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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Relax and Let It Happen

This week Relax plays Strides of Pride. How is it that each week our team is asked to take down Evil once again? Has the entire Capital league been infiltrated by hedonism? We’re just looking forward to next week when we play Teabaggers – xoxo love u guys.

Strides of Pride’s roster includes Tanker and other people we dislike. I’m honestly so sick of Tanker. He’s becoming the Kristin Cavallari of the league. Only difference is, every single person on our team would bang KC given the chance. Tanker, your early presence on Walks was whatever. You were a stupid Junior at Laguna High and we didn’t even know you existed. Then you weaseled your way into our world, fucking up our fairytale life with Stephen Colletti. Hate u. Stephen is a noob anyways – go back to One Tree Hill. We graduated, took a deep breath, and put it all behind us. We packed our pink Louies and loaded up Daddy’s convertible for our big move to LA. We blossomed, grew up, and became who we were meant to be. Now we’re doing us and we can’t be stopped. All was well and it felt like Tanker went away for a while, but all of a sudden he’s back in Season 5. Get off our show!!

One thing’s for sure – Relax may be hot, but we aren’t as classy as LC. We’re not over our time in the spotlight, and we’re not about to hand the whole thing over to you Tanker.

We are Lo. Yes, we can be compared to a Golden Retriever, but loyalty is great and our silky natural blonde hair is flowing in the wind. You guys are fugly/fake Heidi. We’re Brodie - sure we have moments of incomparable douchiness when we launch shows like “Bromance” and date Avril Lavigne, but our dad is Bruce Jenner so suck it. You guys are Justin Bobby. Go shower. We’re Spencer Pratt – we may be batshit crazy but at least we know it, and we’re hilarious. You are Stephanie. Nuff said.

We look forward to destroying you in your trashy white minis and puka shell necklaces. To all the fans, be sure to come out for an incredible time. We’re obviously going to win, but who knows what else might happen out there? The rest is still unwritten.

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