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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Pitches Be Trippin

Pitches Be Trippin are undefeated!?  Didn’t see it? Well either did we…literally, thanks to the lights shutting off  and too many gas station $.99 tube shots.   After our captain trade raped the entire league and picked up a new pitcher and our catcher off the disabled list and ….we are looking to improve last season’s performance. 

Meet the Pitches!

Kimberly, el Capitan
“Adam is the ying to my yang... I miss my co-captain!”

Adam, ex Co-Captain

James, Catcher
“Yo momma…”

Geoff, First Base
“Where’s my beer?”

Michelle, Second Base
“MWHAHAHA!!!” *signature laugh*

Amy, anything but shortstop
“I need more glitter!”

Justin aka Dos, Outfield
“I’m not Mexican… my name’s just Dos, is that confusing?”

Robert, Catcher
“Add songs to the playlist”

Ricky, Outfield
“The gas stations around here don’t have Bud Ice or 99¢ tube shots… fail”

Warren, Utility Player
“Teamwork makes the dream work”

Kelly, New Player
“What did I drunk-eat last night?”

Galicia, New Player

Britt, Second and designated drinker
“Work hard, play hard”

Cristina, designated dancer
“I go hard”

Jessica, New Player with the Afro
“Don’t hate me, cuz you ain’t me”

Relax and Let It Happen

Remember the time Justin flipped out because Ty got to 1st base? That was fun. Big shouts to “The Battery” – Alex “Catchin Ain’t Throwin“ Gagarin, Shannon “Hot Hands, Hot Ass” Davis, and Kate “Pitches Be Cray” Rutkowski -  who closed last week’s final inning without hesitation or concern. Were we 100% perfect? No. But we kept it fun and fresh and we got the job done. Many thanks to Kyle ___ who helped us look our very best.  – OMG THIS HAPPENED:

me:  val
Valerie:  kate
me:  ok
kyle what
this guys name
on the team i played last week
Valerie:  tsdtksdlthskldt
me:  tall dude
brown hair
kickball staple
his name is kyle i think
Valerie:  kyle trzaskalski
me:  stfu
is that really a name
Valerie:  yes
big calves dude
me:  prove it
i dont see him on facebook
omg i see him
you are not lying
Now we’re coming up on one of the greatest events of each season - Relax vs. Candy Van. Candy Van is a likeable team, filled with upstanding guys and gals with a lot of great talents and admirable traits. They’re fun to be around and I’m proud to call them my friends. Well, at least the ones whose names I know amiright?

And now I must ask something of you. You - the people of the Democratic Republic of the Capital/Live/Music League of Austin.  For some of our kickball brethren, this is a tough week. Tom, Huntley and Joey don’t know which team to play for. They’re at a proverbial fork in Morality Road. Do they turn their backs on Candy Van? The team that nursed them from the teat, teaching them what kickball, and thus what life, is all about? Or do they shed their new found allegiance to Relax, proving that they’re not really committed to a life of greatness/tyrannical douche-ness? To the great citizens of this league, please take heed. Try to understand the awkward, traumatic decision that lies ahead for these great men. Whichever they decide, be kind and walk a mile in their shoes before you pass judgment. They’re only doing their best, and that’s all anyone can ask.

And to the athletes/competitors/all around superior humans of Relax and Candy Van – let’s go out there and be great on Thursday. Whatever the circumstances, whatever the rosters, let’s give these people the game they pay $72 each season to witness. Love to us all. Smooches, y’all.

Monday, June 24, 2013


So, here's what we know: our game last week against Teabaggers was fraking ugly. Like, really fraking ugly. So ugly, in fact, that it prompted me to google image search 'ugly.' Author's note: I don't wish that on anyone. It sort of confirmed that the internet, myself included, is full of terrible humans.

I don't want to dwell too much on that tragic event that we're calling a kickball game, but I will say this: we were the fraking McPoyles. We thought we were looking fiiiine. We thought warm milk was a great idea on that balmy Thursday evening. We even grew our unibrows out for the occasion. We were ALL about the ugly last week. 

Our mustaches bring all the boys to the yard.

This week, we're about grace. This is the week we take our awkward bunch of ducklings and turn into an awkwardly aggressive flock of swans. This week, we play Relax. 

This is pretty much how I guarantee their GMOT will read:

- We're a dynasty.
- We're the best team in the league.
-The last time Candy Van beat us was a total fluke and only happened because we didn't have our good players show up.
- Even members of Candy Van want to play with us and are on our roster.

This might be considered trash talk.

We're not about that. We're above the petty trash talk that comes between so many friendships. I don't need to attack someone and make them sad. Ain't nobody got time to be a hater! Let's be positive! (Just not HIV+, y'all. Safe sex is good sex.) 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Relax, I just want you to know that you don't need to put on such a tough guy front. We know that, deep down, you just want to be loved. You want more than anything for this league to accept you, and we understand that you're used to people only accepting that you're athletic, good at sports, and attractive. You guys are, for all intents and purposes, the Girls with Low Self-Esteem of the league (sans flashing).

Honesty hour: no one really remembers those surfboards in the shot.

I'm here to tell you, Relax, that you can be so much more than that. No longer do you need to be feared, loathed, and even sometimes hated: we here on Candy Van KNOW that you can be better. We know that you are fun human beings who play awesome games like True American until someone falls down. We know that you're so much fun off the kickball field. We're your friends!

In a world where Tom is Lucille and Jay is Michael.

We play you 3 times this season, and we want more from you. We want more from you than you just attempting to beat people into submission. Come to the bar once in awhile. Take a breath! Have a beer! Just take the advice of your name and RELAX! We believe in you guys! Show the rest of the league just how FUN you can be! We love you, Relax. We really do! 

So, we have a challenge for you: Out-America us. Do it. Prove you're worthy of our drunken love, and I promise that I (Valerie… and the rest of the team) will personally hump each and every one of you.

We know you're just playing hard to get.



Dundersaurus Rex

Well league, here we are in week 3 but it’s the first game of the season for Dunder.  We strategically requested bye weeks the first two weeks of the season so it doesn’t feel so disjointed.
In this week’s matchup, we get ‘Pitches Be Trippin’ who has been in the league awhile and know what they’re doing.  Thanks to Stephen and his incredible nerdiness around t-shirt distribution methods, I have reviewed the roster of this team which is posted online.  Now I thought this was Liz Gruenwald’s team but it appears not … is this the remains of that original team or some new group of people playing under that alias?  Was there some sort of kickball ideological shift on the team causing players to leave (or be removed)?  No Liz, no Justin Harris, no Tim Faulkner?  I don’t know what’s going on nor do I care.  Dunder will have to spend a few innings knocking the rust off but then we’ll get down to business, play our game and take care of these punk kids (note:  taking care of business is still theoretical for Dunder at this time).
Dunder history:  Dunder has been in the league so long that we were there when WAKA was running the gambit of various bars – to only then get “kicked out”.  I’m a bit fuzzy about the exact order:  I blame the large amounts of adult beverages consumed.  Let’s take a trip down memory lane and look at the various bars:
·         Freddie’s … WAKA kicked out for people peeing in the creek
·         Cedar Door … WAKA kicked out for a bottle fight on the patio.  There was also a case of a female Dunderite being involved in a human puke-o-rama in the ladies room but we contend it was the bottle fight.
·         3rd Base (originally) … only lasted 1 season at that time.  People felt it was too far so instead Dunder spent the season at G&S.
·         Jovita’s … WAKA constantly in trouble for people bringing in “outside beers”.  That one bartender would get up on the bar and yell at everyone … too funny.  All that guy wanted to do is go home, smoke up and watch cartoons.  And then we couldn’t play flip cup there anymore … and then they were busted for drugs – WTF.
·         Back to 3rd Base … it was okay I guess.
·         Then that hipster duffas bar on the east side with crappy parking
·         Then back to G&S where we’ve been for 3(?) seasons now.  It’s vastly improved.  The owner isn’t nearly as surly as he used to be.  I once saw him chase someone out the door.  And once, yelled at me for taking too long to order – while the place empty.  He appears to have mellowed and he’s pretty cool now. 
Dunder Biographies:
I decided to open up our biography section with two about the same person, Ben Hegleson.

He wrote his own but then one was also submitted for him by another player.  So one is an autobiography and the other is a biography.   Enjoy. 
Ben “The Red Viking” Helgeson (auto biography) - Ben started playing on Dunder by accident.  He had been told repeatedly by friends that he should be playing kickball.  But it turns out, the season he signed up, his friends did not.  Luckily for him, Matt, Tim, and Wilcox played with these same friends the season before and the only other person from that team, Rachel, were all playing for Dunder in the upcoming season.  So no brainer, Ben started playing for Dunder.

Ben spent his first season picking up kickball and being genuinely horrible at everything but drinking. The next season Pro-Alkies reformed under some new name. Ben, Matt and Rachel went to their team and an odd thing happened. Ben was having more fun watching Dunder games and drinking with Team Dunder than playing for the Alkies. The next season he rejoined Dunder, brought a few Alkies with him and has never looked back. He's been inconsistently finding the strike zone for Dunder or playing some shoddy form of first base ever since. He's good for a couple big kicks a season; some incredibly slow yet typically effective base running, and the surprise big guy bunt single or two every season. 
 Ben “The 5th Level Red Viking Warlock”  Helgeson (unofficial biography) - Ben has kickball coursing through his Viking blood, tracing his family lineage back to Helgör, Norse god of kickball. For those who are unaware of kickball’s history, kickball started as a Viking ritual to appease Helgör by kicking the skulls of vanquished foes throughout the town square. Fun fact: the headband was invented by a Viking who impaled a sheep on his horned helmet to sop up sweat during a kickball game. While some of the historical statements just made may not be supported by archaeological or sociological research (though now validated by being published in the GMOT, a well-respected, peer-reviewed scientific journal), we feel it’s safe to say that there is, to use one of his favorite adjectives, a sh!t-ton of evidences that proves Ben Helgeson is an awesome kickballer. Evidence as follows: captaining the good ship (rrrrrr) Dunder throughout many stormy WAKA seasons; umping, line-reffing, keeping the peace; calling base runners out for the unsportsman like conduct of yelling when people try to catch fly balls; crafty, veteran pitching; marauding on the base paths; surprise fat guy bunts; social ambassador. Unlike his Viking ancestors, Ben is gracious in victory or defeat and, rather than kick the skulls of vanquished opponents across Gillis Field, is one of the Dunder players most likely to party with other teams after the bar. You might think that Helgör would be disappointed, but what Ben’s forefathers did not know was that Helgör never cared much for skull kicking, he just wanted everyone to have an awesome time.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Relax and Let it Happen

I’d like to take this moment to discuss one of my favorite topics, the great Andre Rogers. I’ve highlighted him in GMOT’s past, but I wanna talk about him again and you can’t stop me. Dre is a complex man. He’s a strong, majestic stallion riding into the night. He’s a sincere, sentimental soul with a listening ear and a comfortable shoulder to rest your head upon. He’s a family man. A man of dignity. And he’s also a gigolo. A player. Much like his forefathers 50 Cent and Sean “Puffy” Combs aka Puff Daddy aka P. Diddy aka Diddly Doo, Dre wears his stunner shades on the daily and makes it rain on all bitches. Dre, aka Chocolate Heat aka Dark Lightning aka Electric Shadow, has a way with words and embodies the traits of an English gentleman.

There are multiple females in this league who consider themselves to be Dre’s #1, his main honey dip, his primary boo child. And that’s just the way Dre rolls. Call it what you may. I call it flavor. And I couldn’t be more proud to have a dash of that spicy goodness sprinkled on this otherwise prominently vanilla team. Can’t wait to see you out there tonight, Dre. I know you will make us proud. You do it every single day. Smooches y'all.

PurpleSaurus Rex!

The Purple-Off was a raging success, so much so that we mostly forgot to take pictures of things because we were having too much fun. I know there are group photos out there somewhere, but those who took them have yet to come forward with the goods. I did find a few things on Facebook that are worth posting, such as this ring of RAWRgyle socks:

The real gem of the evening was finding this on my phone the next morning: 


Next up for the good guys is One Kick Wonders, a team that PurpleSaurus has historically owned (1-0 is a valid sample size right?). Scott and his horde will do that thing they do, PurpleSaurus will kick away and yell about kool aid, and then we will all go to the bar to watch the Spurs clinch their 5th NBA Championship of the Duncan Era.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Better Red than Blue Balls

Same old name, completely different team. After years of high roster turnover, merged teams and completely missed seasons, last season we finally got our shit together and formed a decently competitive team. Bodes well for this season, right? Nope. All of four players return for summer session and the cycle continues.

So we picked up fifteen free agents and start anew.

Luckily for us, our first game could not have gone better. Pre-game communication was solid, people showed up mostly on time (impressive for a 6:30pm first game) and we played 5-innings of shut-out kickball which featured two impressive catches by rookie female kickballers.

But even more important, we had perfect attendance at G&S afterwards and a strong showing at the Friday kick-off party.

We have all season to work on our kickball fundamentals, but we're already in mid-season drinking form. It's going to be a fun season.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


Let's get real for a second: the ladies of CV brought it to the table in that purple-off. Tutus? Check. Glitter? Check. Tiny, adorable glittery hats? Check. Natalie in a bikini? CHECK.

In addition to all that sex appeal, the ladies did the heavy lifting in that 8-1 non-bunting game vs. PurpleSaurus.  Here are some highlights:
  • Danger burned the left fielder LIKE A BOSS.
  • Amber ran the bases like a crazy person. 
  • Carrie showed Luis how to make catching a ball look easy.
  • Natalie distracted all of the dudes at home plate AND kicked like a pro down the third base line.
  • Valerie did that douchey thing where she fielded the ball at pitcher and ran it to first base instead of throwing it to the male first basemen.
  • Hayley kicked the CRAP out of the ball against her other team.
At one point during the game, Huntley actually yelled, "let the dudes play!" because the ladies were not only bringing the offense, but they made the majority of the defensive plays. Let's be real: we may creepy, but we are also phenomenal athletes. That's right: PHENOMENAL. 

So here's to the ladies of CV. We probably looked this good doing it, too. 


We play the Teabaggers this week. We ain't scared. They're old news, after all, and we're still looking good wearing purple tutus while they're eating prunes to stay regular. 

BUT they ARE our friends, after all, so we want to make them feel comfortable during the creeptastic event we're going to call a kickball game on Thursday. So, you tyrannical teabagging sons (and daughters) of nice women, we want to make you a promise: we won't bring too much sexy (because we're pretttyyyyy sure James can't handle it), but we will bring these sweet, sweet 80s dance moves to you  just to make you feel like you can jump right in. (because you're old*. GET IT? DOES THE PRUNE JOKE MAKE SENSE NOW?)

Here's us just getting our warm up on:

Our obliques are very strong.

Here's Tom doing a sweet spin move after a home run:

The only thing missing is the subsequent fall after that side-to-side.

And finally, here's Hutch getting alllllll the ladies on your team pregnant:

If you're not aroused right now you might be dead.

We love you, Teabaggers. And we really can't wait to find new and interesting ways to creep you out on Thursday.


*FUN FACT: Most of the Teabaggers are younger than the members of Candy Van.

Run Home Jack

Winning is easy as cake!

The Lost Boys found themselves down 2-0 in the bottom of the fourth when something delicious happened:


(Post submitted on behalf of Run Home Jack without express permission of Peter Banning)

DunderSaurus Rex

A Brief History of Dunder    by Dr. Stephen Hawking

Many kickball teams in WAKA enjoy espousing how long they’ve been in the league, how much beer they’ve drank and how hard they partied over the years however all pale in comparison to a true veteran kickball team such as Dunder.

How long has Dunder been playing?  Let’s put it this way:  you must be 21 to play in WAKA.  If you are not at least 27 right now, Dunder has been playing longer than you’ve been allowed in the league.  If you’re 23, Dunder was playing when you were just getting your driver’s license.  If you’re 21, Dunder was playing when you were trying to talk your parents into buying you that cool Puch Moped.  So yes, Dunder has been around for a while.

Dunder has 3 people on their roster over 50, 4 people over 40, a good mix of mid 30s … and just to keep themselves youthful they have some “punk kids” in their late 20s to round out the roster.  Now you may say to yourself, dang that’s a team of old fogies … and chronologically, you’d be correct.  But upon closer inspection, you’ll find that they sure don’t act their age and they can still field a semi-competitive, semi-coherent, semi-sober team.  Their goal every season:  a 0.500 record, to hang out with friends, drink some beverages, play some kickball and have a good time.

As the season progresses, the GMOT will contain the expanded history of Dunder as weekly installments.  These write ups will also contain a summary of that week’s game, a bio or two of Dunder players and maybe even the announcement of the coveted “Golden Douche Bag Award” if someone has earned it that week.  So without further ado, here’s the first lesson.

Lesson 1:  Dunder:  The Team Name
Every season, Dunder changes the team name … however the word ‘dunder’ is always in there someplace though there has been an exception (noted below).  Here’s a quick look at the various team names they’ve assumed over the years:
Summer 2007 – Dunder Mifflin All Stars
Fall 2007 – Dunder Mifflin All Stars
Spring 2008 – Dundercats
Summer 2008 – Dundercatsss
Fall 2008 – Pro Alkies*
Spring 2009 – Dunder Siege
Summer 2009 – Dunder Siege II: Dark Territory
Fall 2009 – Mad Cox: Beyond the Dunderdome
Spring 2010 – Mad Cox II: Return to the Dunderdome
Summer 2010 – Dirty Deeds, Dunder Cheap
Fall 2010 – Dunder the Influence
Spring 2011 – Dirty Dunderpants
Summer 2011 – Dunder Cuva Brothas
Fall 2011 – Dumb and Dunder
Spring 2012 – Dunder Bunnies
Summer 2012 – Dunder presents:  The David Wilcox Hose Explosion
Fall 2012 – How WAKA got her Dunder back
Winter 2012 – The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers
Spring 2013 – DunderSaurus Rex

Wow, that’s a lot of different names but the core of the team is always there.

So if you have the good fortune to face Dunder this season, get ready to play a fun game and have a few drinks.  And if you’re smart, you’ll pay attention to how the old timers do it and maybe … just maybe you’ll be lucky enough to receive an invitation to try out for Dunder … just remember, they card at the door … those under 25 need not apply.  Damn kids, stay off our lawn.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Welcome to the GMOT!

Listen up kids: it's business time. If this is your first time perusing this mighty beast we call the Ghost Man on Third (GMOT for short), WELCOME! This is a player-contributed blog meant to serve as an outlet for anything you want in regard to kickball, your team, your costumes, or any general awesomeness you feel like sharing. To make sure our fun is good and clean(ish), we have some guidelines:
  • No hate speech. This means attacking someone on the basis of their gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else along those lines.
  • No nudity. People usually read this blog on Thursday while they're killing time at work wishing they were playing kickball instead. Keep it SFW!
  • No excessively harsh language/cursing. It's ok to drop a bomb here and there, we're all adults, but that also means we don't just call each other names.
Now, why (aside from being awesome/entertaining) would you ever want to contribute to such an amazingly fun blog? Because we 'gon get you DRUNK. There will be a special bottle of PREMIUM liquor at the end of season party, and each team that submits a write up every week (not including this week, it's ok, you didn't know) will get to line up and do a shot of it with your league rep!
Sounds BALLER, right? Just send an email to waka.gmot@gmail.com to make a submission. Our GMOT Czar Kimberly Fortunely will be checking the account every Monday and posting all of the emails in there, so make sure you get something in by the end of the week if you want it to appear in the next week's blog! If there are any other hopes and dreams you hope the GMOT can fulfill, don't hesitate to ask!

If you have pictures to include (you will!) try and just send us the URL of where it's hosted rather than emailing the file, it's a lot easier to just hotlink rather than download it and then re-host it on the blog!

Stephen & Kim


Think back to the Fall of 2010. Something glorious happened that season. You might not have known it at the time, but there would be a team forming that would win your hearts, minds, and respect. And they'd do it in Purple:
We probably should have named our team: 100% Sex Appeal.

Here's a fun fact: our first idea for a team name before we settled on Candy Van was Grimace. Why? Because we wanted to wear purple. We wanted to wear so much purple you'd think we were on the cover of Prince's next album. Purple defines who we are as a team. Sometimes we have a little romp with Purple's slutty little sister Pink, but we always come back to our sweet, sweet Purple.

I mean, think about all of the characters of color from history. This color is clearly for us.

Obviously there's this sexy mother f***er:

I'm pretty sure he'd be cheering for the Candy Vanners if he's promoting stuff like this on his show:

This is obviously how we all brush our teeth.

Let's not forget The Count:

Math is so hot right now.

This former Texas A&M Tight End:


This former cross country runner at Claremont McKenna college:

This one's for you, ladies.

You might be wondering where the previous, incredibly glorious picture came from. Purple off 2010: Candy Van v. Weekend Warriors:

That's right. We've been here before. We've already won one purple off in our career:

We won the game and your hearts.

This is my sexy face.
There's no way to describe how great this is.

It's a Purple Off, folks. I hope Purplesaurus understands what they're up against.

Relax and Let It Happen

Manifest Destiny. A concept known well by anyone who took some sort of American History in high school (hopefully that’s all of us). A concept lived and breathed by Relax and Let it Happen. For years we have dominated the Capital league and allowed the rest of you peasants to exist in it, living off our good grace and generous spirit. But the time has come for us to put our foot down. “No more!” we say. “No more.”

It’s now time to stride toward our 2013 Vegas Championship like our forefathers blazed the Oregon Trail. We’ve got a competitive fire raging in our souls and we will not be stopped. Some of the lowly paupers of this league have wised up and traded their previous allegiances for a brighter future. A better quality of life. We’ve got Slob, Joey, and Tom on this season’s roster, and while we’re not sure why Huntley’s email is “Ryan_TheNuts” we’re happy to have him, too.  Add in the fleet of foot Andre Rogers who has decided to stay by our side, and our roster is unstoppable.

We are Columbus, and you are the Indians. Years from now, people will tell tales of how we all sat around and made nice over dinner, but we will all know the terror that actually happened. There are several other examples of mass genocide and tyranny that I could now mention, but let’s not even go there. Let’s just all understand that Relax is taking over this season. We’ve got the best talent in the league. We’re going to get what we want, and we’re not going to be nice about it.  Here’s to hoping you can all still find a way to have fun as we stomp any aspirations you had for a champion season.  Smooches y’all.

PurpleSaurus Rex

"What say we settle this on the kickball field ... Val-Suck-Ass?"

"Are you challenging me to a Purple-Off ... STUPID-ephen?"

Raging Dinos

Community Edition

April 20th 2013… Quaterfinals- Raging Dinos!! Vs. That Kick Cray

4th inning 3-2 Raging Dinos.. Tom Hallock comes up to kick..

Letting loose one of the greatest kicks ever seen in the history of kickball; a line drive dropping millimeters away from the outstretched hands of the devilishly good looking left fielder.

Scoring 2 runs and prematurely ending the season for the Dinos. 

Initially there was sadness…

Then Anger..

Then resentment...

Another kickball season ended and we went into the longest drought without Thursday kickball that any person should ever have to endure.  Going back to our normal lives, we waited for our next season to start.

But it finally it happened… Kickball starts again!

Cue the Music
Raging Dino’s return for another season WAKA kickball with a newly revamped team featuring sexy girls..(They deserve three GIFs to underline the fact)

Manly Men..

And Luis..

We’re putting the whole league on notice; we’re playing for keeps this season.

No matter whom Stephen schedule’s us against.

First up is Red Rockets. I could come out and say something like this.

Moreover, the game will be something close to this.

But it’s week 1 and we’re all excited that kickball is back so will see you on the field and the whole experience will be something closer to this.