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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Dillon Panthers

PurpleSaurus Rex!

PurpleSaurus is straight up on a roll heading into the end of the season, charging up the standings and finally putting up the numbers we always knew we were capable of.  Is this primarily due to the return of certain parties from the PUP list? Not my place to say, but we're heading into the playoffs with a swagger not seen since the days of ... ever for this band of misfits.

Perhaps it simply took this long for us to build up a sufficient tolerance to the sweet sweet poison that fills that blue jug of death every week, but I 100% stand by the decision to have completely wrecked my productivity for the last 10 Fridays with debilitating Kool-Aid induced hangovers. The juice no longer impairs us, it FUELS us! We derive our power from the Kool-Aid, and the Kool-Aid rewards those who put their faith in it.

Last week was a game that almost didn't happen, but fun was snatched from the jaws of disappointment as Team Easier faced the Purple in a game short-handed on both sides. Little did we know the poor souls were playing sober, but that shortcoming was quickly remedied following our post-game tunnel of perpetual celebration. The pink and purple bled together and for a few glorious hours we became ... light purple. Or something. I'll work on that. Magenta?

Tonight will see another unlikely combination of players on the field, as an entirely different half of our roster will be out for office holiday parties, but the power of the purple is like Mjolner: whosoever wears the purple, be they worthy, shall posses the power of PurpleSaurus Rex. Every member of the squad has demonstrated their worthiness through some facet of their person, be it sparkling athleticism, unabashed alcoholism, belligerent douchebaggery, general tomfoolery, or raw sex appeal.

The last victim to be crushed beneath the PurpleSaurus regular season steamroller tonight is Just Kickin It. There are few things that are sure in this world, but these are a few of them: Santa is real, Tim Tebow cannot be stopped, the ginger seal is an abomination and we should not meddle in matters that nature has already sorted out, and PurpleSaurus Rex will win this game.



Walk of Shame™

People keep coming up to me asking how we feel about the loss to Teabaggers this week... A game that we were ahead in most of the way until we gave it away... I couldn't quite articulate how I felt without approaching an assault charge... So I'm just going to let Dennis Green tell you folks, dead on, how the Walks felt about losing to Teabaggers this week...

Instead of playing this week, we are off to party with the other 3 cool kids in Capital. We'll drink our sorrows away with rapists, pedofiles, and sexual deviants. You can probably guess which teams we're talking about. We'll see you next weekend

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Relax and Let it Happen

What do dynasties do? They dominate, take no prisoners and dance on their opponents' kickball graves. Yeah everyone knows that. But HOW do they continue to stay on top for so long, even after people think they have figured them out? They evolve. They make adjustments. Changes. To the naked eye it all looks the same, but that's because the changes are subtle. Relax was at a point where we don't find ourselves that much. We tied two games in a row. We didn't panic like some teams would, we buckled down, made some small changes and then took it out those pervy  pervs from Candy Van. 

They pulled up in their shady van with no windows. They told us it was full of candy, and we actually took the bait. But when we hopped into the van WE were the one pulling the Sandusky. Too soon? Probably. We did a bernie FINE job at jumping on Candy Van early and keeping them down. I won't say they lost their cool when we went up 2-0 in the first inning, but I will say that they started to screw the pooch. Which, ultimately is the same thing. 

Now we have the playoffs and I'm sure we'll see them again. It'll be cold out there, but we'll heat it up. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen. 

Thursday, December 1, 2011

PurpleSaurus Rex!

PurpleSaurus is currently in the midst of an identity crisis. Are we dinosaurs or are we Kool Aid spokespeople?

Are we men or are we muppets?

Are we human or are we dancer?

Whatever we are, we're apparently all to GD popular because people's social schedules have just been FAR to crowded for kickball as the holidays near. I've gotten weak excuses like "I'm out of town for work", "I got hit by a car while riding my bike", "My grandparents are in town for my graduation", "I'm not on your team", "I'm not legally allowed to be within 100 ft of the punch you make", and other less-than-valid reasons for failing to appear at Gillis ready to ball. Regardless of who shows up, we'll put a team together and dominate.

Is it 80s prom time yet? I'm unreasonably excited.


Dillon Panthers

As our regular season wraps up this evening, the Dillon Panthers are bummed that kickball is on hiatus until February.  We had all kinds of ideas for sprucing things up in our Second Season.  We thought maybe the promise we showed in Season 1 would allow us to bring in a more established player to boost our offense like when Parks & Rec got Rob Lowe and the guy from Piranha 3-D (underrated movie if you ask me).  We also JUST figured out that sliding in Gettis park is almost never a good idea and that bunting isn't quite the offensive fix-all we had originally hoped.

We also learned important things about ourselves.  Win or lose, we don't want to do it by more than 2 runs, and the only thing worse than losing is losing when the other team scores all of their runs on one play.  We learned who is punctual (Ashley and DJ), and who is not (Carrie, Jamie, and Reed). We learned that Jonathan and Helen basically just signed up for the cool Waka T-shirts.  Hopefully we did not learn that this $100 bar-tab for writing weekly GMOT posts was a trick they play on new teams to make all the posts.

Either way, we had a great time in the regular season, and after we win tonight and clinch our spot in the Winner's Bracket, we plan to have a great time through a couple rounds of the playoffs.  Or not.

As Coach Taylor would say, "What the hell, you want a hug or something? Get out of here." C.E.F.H.C.L.

Candy Van

Look, folks: I'm going to get real serious up in this GMOT entry. Tonight, Candy Van has the chance to clinch their first ever regular season title. A guaranteed good game full of trash-talk and drunken athleticism. And we couldn't be more excited about it. So excited, that we kind of feel like Peter Pan in the movie Hook. You know, we're the familiar hero (full of veterans) that everyone is excited to see, but Rufio (Relax) is not all about losing their power over the camp. Fights will ensue (drinks will be drank), sides will be chosen, but in the end, Rufio will realize that he needs to align with Pan if he wants to survive. We're pretty sure Relax won't die in the end like Rufio, but we're not fortune tellers. Field 1. 8 p.m. Candy Van v. Relax and Let it Happen. Damn good kickball with a bunch of crazy drunks. BANGARANG!!!!!!

Better Red Balls than Blue Balls

It's been an interesting season for Better Red than Blue Balls. After starting with back-to-back shutouts and a #2 ranking in the Live Standings, we let the success get to our heads and we slacked off. We went from a high-protein, low-carb diet plan to $3.99 Prime Rib specials at Expose; from wind-sprints to lines in a Chevron bathroom with our hobo friend Casper. The only physical exercise we've gotten in the past six weeks was from the transportation and disposal of that hook—err... All we're saying is that if one, hypothetically speaking, were to accidentally come upon a deceased lady of the night and wish to give her a proper burial... I've said too much. Just know that the low water levels in Town Lake aren't doing anyone any favors. Getting back to kickball (hell of a segue), we slacked off and now sit at a bland 3-3 record. The most telling statistic is that in our three losses, we've scored a grand total of 1 run. The good news is that we've never given up more than two runs in any game, so should we ever figure out this whole offense thing (defense wins championships is obviously a lie), we might be a team worth paying attention to. If anyone has recommendations for increasing runs, we're all ears. We've tried the whole horse steroids route, but that doesn't react well with our pitcher's STD medication (guess which one in the comments and win a beer!) Is the secret squats? Because I don't think I can do those on my Bowflex. After a bye week and Thanksgiving, it'll be a nice return to kickball as this week, in a battle for mediocrity, we play Just Kickin' It (who are also 3-3). We've both lost to Balls Deep and beaten Balls & Dolls this season, so there's no real takeaway from the shared schedules; we're just hoping for a good game, a victory for the good guys and copious amounts of drinking.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dillon Panthers

So I was trying to think of GMOT material for this week, and I thought maybe a post on the history of kickball would be informative material to give the League.  So, like any good law student, I hopped on Wikipedia as the beginning and end of my research.  What I discovered was somewhat disturbing.  Kickball, invented in 1917 by gym coach Nicholas C. Seus (great uncle of the famous children’s book author*) was designed in order to help young people learn the basics of...... baseball.

You read that right.  Kickball, a fun, fast-paced, social, game of champions was invented to facilitate the rise to dominance of America’s most boring and competitively imbalanced sport.  I sort of always assumed it was the other way around.  For those not totally appalled by this revelation, here are a few quick reasons kickball is better than baseball:

1.   Boston Red Sox pitchers (who weren’t even pitching that day!) got criticized for drinking in the clubhouse.  “Field beers” are encouraged in kickball.
2.  Baseball spreads 54 outs over a three hour game.  That’s one play every 3 1/3 minutes. Can you imagine if something only happened in football or basketball every 3 1/3 innings?  People would freak out.  How does baseball get away with this!  The Dillon Panthers would be embarrassed to spend 3 1/3 minutes in the field for an entire inning.
3.  Baseball has jerks like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, John Rocker, and Alex Rodriguez.  The worst it gets in kickball is when somebody gets a little excited and argues a meaningless call or crowds people at the plate while they’re trying to hit.
4.  Baseball made Brad Pitt sad in that movie because it tricked him into not going to Stanford, and then they wouldn’t let his team win in the playoffs.  Kickball would never do that to Brad Pitt.
5.  Every baseball game is 20.2 times less important to your overall season winning percentage ((1/8)/(1/162)).  In fact, you could lose every game for like a month in baseball and still make the playoffs (the Astros exclusively do it this way).
6.  The best evidence that baseball is boring is that baseball movies usually only get made these days when implausible stuff happens to jazz up the plot.  Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Little Big League, Major League, Air Bud Seventh Inning Fetch... all entertaining baseball movies because implausible stuff happens.  Sure there are some exceptions, and they all star Kevin Costner or Dennis Quaid, but the good ones were made decades ago, when people had lower standards for entertainment.
7.  Baseball teams are named after things like non-predatory birds, colored socks, lame regions of the country, or people who came from the same sperm/egg combo.  Kickball team names are constantly updating to the times with clever commentaries on pop culture or puns on baseball terms.

I could go on, but I’m sure I’ve already exceeded the GMOT word count.  Speaking for the Dillon Panthers, which I am of questionable authority to do, I say it’s time to move kickball out of the shadows.  With the NBA lockout never-ending and baseball season (finally) over, it’s time kickball took it’s spot as one of America’s true big three sports.

*Not really.


PurpleSaurus Rex

PurpleSaurus has had a rough season. Byes, weeks off, work conflicts, holidays, and general shenanigans make it feel like we haven't had two consecutive weeks of kickball the entire fall! That changes right ... wait what? No kickball next week for Thanksgiving? Well balls.

Regardless, the violet therapods pulled out a tie against a Capital team with half of their roster away in Tennessee and are back this week to show Pumped up Kicks the true meaning of loss and pain.

We've taken our time off to address our offensive shortcomings, and made a few important changes.

Yeah. Lasers. You're pretty much f***ed.


CANDY VAN does it for the kids!!

CANDY VAN: Charity Style

When Candy Van does charity jello shots sales, we do it in the only way we know how: weird. So bring your dolla bills, because Captain VAG is not afraid to bully you into buying jello shots. I mean, it's for the kids! Who doesn't love kids? AMIRIGHT?

This week's jello shot buffet includes:
Cherry Watermelon
Pineapple Orange (with a hint of Cherry because we ran out of pineapple vodka)
Strawberry Pineapple Banana
Cherry Lime

Happy drinking!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Awful Waffles

Another big win for the waffles last week...9-2 over sit on my base.  They're a good team with a really funny catcher with a phenomenal mustache.  You should check them out if you can.  It was a return to form though for us...giving up two runs and scoring a bunch of runs.  And our pitcher struck out a dude.  Swinging.  Might have broke his ankle, it was hard to tell, since it was getting dark.  
What's really fun about this week is that, for the first time this year, we have a game during the theme week.  We had byes during saved by the bell and Halloween and that sucked.  So we all have cowboys and Indians costumes of some sort, and they should be epic.  See ya there.  Oh yeah, and we play another good team this week.  But it should be more of the same for us.

with great tenderness,
awful waffles

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Did you know that EVERY week at Third Base we give out 2 pitchers of beer?!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! Show up this week to win the bar game and win your team 2 pitchers of beer!


Awful Waffles

So maybe we lost last week. Kick in a Box played well and we didn't score our usual 200 runs. It happens.  But no hassles... even though we far outmatched them on paper, that's why you play the game.  And honestly, I could see us getting a bit cocky out there. But after a week of soul searching we're back and ready to go stopwatches in hand!

awful waffles

Relax and Let it Happen

Last week we played the Teabaggers and for the first time in like a year they gave us a good game. Looks like all the times you spy on us and come watch our game has finally paid off. It ended in a 0-0 tie that went into extras and it was a fun game to play in. We couldn't bunt for shit off Justin who finally decided to be relevant in a kickball game by pitching the game of his life. Would he be able to do that on a field that had grass and doesn't go downhill? I don't think so, but that's for another day. It was an old fashion pitcher's duel with good pitching and even better defense to back it up. Barrett played as well as we've seen him play, his catching was absolutely impressive. Well done Teabaggers, well done!

Shout out to Andy for playing his first game. May your career be both fruitful and victorious.

This week we play BCBC and OMG did they get they get screwed for having to play us after a game that we didn't score any runs. I won't be there but I'll be sending some long distance "black up" from Minnesota. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Candy VAN

These are the things that happened last week in our game: 
1. We stopped paying attention a few times and let 3 runs in. 
2. Our offense finally woke up and we put 9 or 10 runs on the board (We stopped counting). 
3. Dre got pissed off. 
4. Dre lost to a team captained by a girl, a feat he claimed would never happen. 
5. Dre earned the new nickname Captain Shambles. 
6. Tom and Valerie squatted and lunged at and around anyone who stood still long enough to allow it. (You're welcome, Alex!) 
7. Jay let his man crush on Tom show. 
8. Dre continued to be pissed off. 

This week we're playing Brown Chicken Brown Cow. We'll be themed out to the MAX and drinking more than we should for a team in Capital at a 6:15 game. So, you know, normal behavior for us. 

Pray tell, dear CV GMOT Author. what is this theme of which you speak? 
Oh, well, it's the best theme ever, of course: Drunk Injured Valerie. That's right: Candy Van will be honoring (is that the right word?) their captain by wearing bandages, braces, and a trucker hat and mumbling and stumbling around the fields/bars/life. Look for such classics as "Creepy humping motion and accompanying face" and "She can't make eye contact... is she okay?" Valerie has even promised to sport a cape just like old times. Who says you can't black out for a 6:15 game?

Relax and Let it Happen

Well as promised here is the picture of the winning pumpkins:

The one on the left is obviously your typical house design, executed nicely. Great carving ability but the creativity of having the template included in the box just doesn't do it for me. The one on the right is a personal favorite and obviously more creative. It is the seal of the mighty New Mexico Lobos. Some might argue that if you have to explain what it is, it's kind of like that halloween costume that only one person (the one wearing it) thought was awesome and to you, I say (in the most polite way possible) "Fuck You". Others might be saying "New Mexico Lobos? Aren't they the worst team in football right now?" well the answer to that would still be "Fuck You." buuuuuut you may have a point. Feel free to vote on your favorite pumpkin, as long as it's for the Lobo, otherwise shut your stupid face and keep your opinion to yourself.

Back to kickball this week, we play the Teabaggers. Should be a good Capital match up but in the end I think we know who will come out on top.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hoeloween/Halloweek/Creepoween/Hallowheezy aka Best Holiday Ever

Last week, Halloweek, was a blast..I saw Snoop Dogg on top of all the holiday festivities. Epic! It was such a blast that yesterday, on the actual day, I went to sleep at 8 p.m. no joke. After 4 different costumes and 5 Halloween parties, I was officially exhausted. I saw so many great costumes last Thursday at kickball. Great job guys! Here are a few of my favorites:  

Kyle and Kyle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
I see you, shakin' that ass

Candyvan does the best creepy

Sour Patch Kids

So yeah, we are a bunch of weirdos and I love it. Things got a little out of hand at Ego's on Thursday. However, JB and I were totally on our guard and came up with the best roofie protection tower. It was complicated and obvious if you tried to touch it and remove the cups. I like to think of it as the roofie protection boobie trap. That's effing team work right there! The one below is also a contribution made by JB at our mid season party. He is really on his 'don't get roofied' game. Props dude...

Do not get near our drinks!

So excited to see yall Thursday. I can't believe it's November already. I forgot my interns birthday at work today...oops. But November seriously snuck up on us! Have a great day and see you Thursday for beautiful weather and great times at the field and third base. Pres out.

MM: 11-1-11

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Dillon Panthers

The Dillon Panthers, full team name “The Dillon Panthers circa 2006,” are very confused by the previous GMOT post from our supposed rivals.  As everyone knows, East Dillon High School was disbanded decades ago due to poor educational quality and crumbling facilities.  Our only rival is Arnett Meade.  They vandalized our fieldhouse.

As to Tim Riggins being too drunk to save us, anyone who knows anything about Dillon knows that Tim Riggins is NEVER too drunk to do anything, but he is upset that you woke him up this early. Texas forever.  

Plus, Carrie “Smash” Winsett has been injecting steroids for weeks now to impress college scouts, so we’ve got that going for us.

We will admit to being embroiled in a bit of a pitching controversy between Justin “Voodoo” Morgan and DJ “7” Engle, but hopefully that will sort itself out in a pre-game speech or something.  It always does.

One thing we can agree with these “Lions” on, though, is that tonight would be a good night to get Tim-Riggins’-estranged-father drunk and hit some golf balls into pastures.

Anyway, these East Dillon Lions, whoever they are, are going down.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

East Dillon Lions

Due to the fact that PurpleSaurus Rex has temporarily (for the duration of you reading this blog post only) changed it's name to the East Dillon Lions, this has officially become RIVALRY WEEK!

I don't even know these Dillon Panther losers, but two consecutive bye weeks has got me missing kickball so much that I've built this game up in my head to the point where it can be nothing short of LEGEN...(wait for it)...DARY. I hear their coach is this cocksure young guy who pushed out Coach Taylor with some BS political maneuvering, just because he thought the head case freshman QB he'd been training should start instead of a real leader. What a dick! You're going down Dillon Panthers! Tim Riggins is too drunk to save you!

Can't wait to see my fellow Purplesaurs ... ahem ... Lions in their amazing halloween costumes, and look out for the debut appears of the Amazing Purple-Man! Halloweek is officially upon us, and there is no reason to do anything short of getting stupid tonight.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to Googling pictures of Minka Kelly.


Relax and Let it Happen

Well our normal GMOT writer is being lazy this week so I'll give it a whirl. Last week we played Pitch Slapped! At first glance you see their name and think, are they really promoting domestic violence, they can't be cool. But then we got to know them, and I would have to say out of the 50 or so new teams that Relax has played this team is our absolute favorite. They are the first new team in the history of kickball not to complain about bunting or taking it too serious (also known as winning). Even though this team was getting beat like they stole something, they still maintained a positive attitude throughout the whole game. Once we were up 12 they asked us if we would start kicking so they could work on catching the ball!! This is the type of team that new teams need to strive to be. Therefore, I would like to throw a HUGE shout out to Pitch Slapped!, you are welcome in the Relax circle of trust any time you'd like to come.

Since I don't really want to write about a 13-3 game, I'll write about a 14-3 game that took place over the weekend. This past weekend the Relax franchise took home another title in the 7th Annual Bobby Bones Tournament. Leading up to the tournament a certain kickball delegate was talking non stop about how they were going to beat Relax. I'm not sure if he really believed it or if he was just trying to sike himself up to make himself believe it but in the end we beat them twice in one day. I (Jay) will also be holding tours for $5 from 4-7 on Saturday's if anyone wants to visit the shrine of trophies on display in my living room, just call ahead. 

Relax wasn't invited to the Halloween party tonight at the fields so naturally we hope it rains and nobody gets to play. The one dress up night that Relax supports we don't even get to participate in!!! Thanks Lundy, you're getting punched in the ovaries next time we see you (seriously, you're getting punched)! Instead we've decided that we need to compete in something on Thursday so we are having a Pumpkin Carving contest/pot luck dinner/best time ever. Next week we will send in a picture of the champion pumpkin carver. 



Kickballers, Roboapocalypse deniers, and robot haters: The Roboapocalypse is coming, whether you believe it or are ready for it. Last week's episode of Always Sunny even mentioned it, and we all know that everything we see on TV is true/comes true at some point. So what's a bone bag like yourself supposed to do to survive the fiery fate of the human race? Well, if you're like me, you'll get a robot brand on your body to prove that you are a robot sympathizer. Or you can go all motha' frackin' Gaius Baltar on the humans and give our security codes away to some hot blonde Cylon skin job. Both of those options too extreme/nerdy? TOO BAD. Just kidding, there's a third way: make yourself a handy dandy robot costume to throw on when the robots rebel! I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you how to make a robot costume (google that shit). I do, however, have three other tips to help you after you've created your disguise:

1. Say "affirmative" instead of "yes." (Unless you know the other robot really well.)
2. Perfect your robot dance. (No brainer.)
3. Start pillaging old people's medicine and consuming it in large quantities. (Robots eat old people's medicine for fuel.)

So, there you have it: your robot costume, your tolerance for viagra, and your sweet, sweet robo boogie should* save you from the roboapocalypse. 

*Robotkicks does not guarantee that you will be spared during the robotic uprising. 

Candy Van

CANDY VAN: Endorsed by John Waters since 2010

Candy Van had a close loss against the Teabaggers last week.  Some may say they still walked away with a victory, as another Eskimo Brother was added to the team (even though he happens to be on the Teabaggers… whaaattt??).  Here’s a preview of tonight’s game against Walk of Shame: blah blah blah, Candy Van wins 6-1, Dre whines about something, blah blah blah, then BOOM, this outside your bedroom window the rest of the night: 


P.S. Kate Rutkowski, you can run, but you can’t hide.

What a Capital GMOT Might Look Like

This is all speculation since I've never seen any sort of writing from most of these teams, but in lieu of ACTUAL submissions to the GMOT I've decided to make some crap up for all of you. If you feel like you're being represented unfairly then, well, write me something!

Relax and Let it Happen - Yeah, we did it again. 14 runs against a pack of scrubs like whoever it was that we played isn't even scratching the surface of the potential beat down we could have put on them, but we honestly just got bored. It was much more interesting to stare off into space and think about how awesome we are than to focus on the game, so I think I can speak for most of us when I say we were too busy giving ourselves mental HJs to be bothered with things like keeping them from scoring a few runs. We're off this week, and then we play the next team to lose to us. (Edit: Relax emailed me a writeup before I posted this, but I'm leaving this in.)

Candy Van - Actually wrote a GMOT! You go Candy Van!

Brown Chicken Brown Cow - As evidenced by our game last week, the most exciting thing that can possibly happen in kickball is a TIE. It's not easy being a tie-machine, but we make it happen. Man, LOVE ties. Too bad we're not playing this week so we can't tie somebody else.

Tyrannical Teabaggers - Try our new cocktail: the Tyrannical Sweet Teabagger. 2 parts Firefly sweet tea vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 2 parts sprite, poured over MY BALLS.

Walk of Shame - We admit it. We are but a shadow of our former glory without Tanker. Why Tank? Why have you left us? Luckily Dre's stellar play at 1st has kept us in contention this season.

Hangers and Bangers - We didn't really understand what the deal with these seemingly semi-pro kickball teams was in weeks 2 and 3, but I can tell you now, I GET IT. Winning is flippin awesome and fun. We're gonna try doing that from now on, see how that strategy works out.

Thorz Day Ballers - Unfortunately we have a bye this week, so our next game is March 3rd.

Suck My Kick - We're generous lovers. So far this season we've sucked 14 kicks while only getting our kicks sucked 11 times. Eventually we're gonna get ours.

Dbags - Look, there's only one way to win in this league, and ... well we haven't figured out what it is yet. But when we do, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

Pitch Slapped -  We're like Obi Wan after Vader cuts him down in the first Death Star. (Vader = Relax). We have become more powerful than you can POSSIBLY IMAGINE. I guarantee we will not lose this week. Yes we have a bye. Shut up.

Yeah WHATEVERs - So this guy was making the Power Polls and talked some shit and we were like yeah WHATEVER.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Awful Waffles

Last week, your awful waffles had a first.  A substitute at pitcher, Carrie B threw the first shutout in team history, and against a decent team! Amazingly,  game ball doesn't go to her but Cole who caught everything in sight in the outfield and smashed a dinger.  Way to go team.

And there's another big event at the kickball fields and another bye week for the waffles.  Great.  And that's unfortunate because we all love halloween.  There's really no reason not to:
1) a reason to wear costumes that would usually get you arrested otherwise
2) you get to act like an idiot without real repercussions
3) the possibility of free candy
4) the most crowded night ever in Austin where you can barely move anywhere!
(ok that last one isn't too cool)

In compiling this list though it seems that those first three are pretty much occurring every kickball day so I guess we'll make an appearance if not at the fields then at third base.  So as to not spoil the surprise, no hints given to our costumes but you'll be impressed.

truly, madly, deeply,
awful waffles

Monday, October 24, 2011

Kicks Like Jesus

Consistent winners of having fun, and soon to be consistent winners at
kickball, Kicks Like Jesus finally broke into the W column after three
disappointing weeks.  They apparently saved all of the awesome kicks
and home runs for this one game.  Three home runs and a number and of
jello shots later, the team did what they do best and partied hard.
The triumphant return of Travis Hemphill AKA "T-Hemp" started things
off with a tremendous blast to left center field to score the first
few runs.  Travis would do so again at his next at bat, as would Nick
"Superslick" Pronsky, the team's pitcher.  Paul Bobba Fet almost got
thrown out at first for showboatin' too hard, but the excellent refs
threw him a bone and said the play was dead.  Big thanks to the refs,
for they have a thankless job.  Madeleine "Mad Dog" Christiana was
forced out of the game after being bitten by a rabid and apparently
ferocious Chihuahua, and Callie, Natina, Jenny, Laura, and Leslie
played some crazy defense, as did Suresh "Brown Sugar" Thomas at
short.  Kick Like Jesus followed up the game, as they always do, in
Mickey Avalon style.  Not by giving out manjobs for drugs, but by
playing mean bar games, and generally being awesome all over

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Dillon Panthers

Our team reporter Jamie is too drunk to write the team entry this
week. He apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause. He will
sober up for next week.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Relax and Let it Happen

Last week we played the DBags and beat them 3-0. Don't let their name or the score fool you – Joey is still the team's only Dbag (because Hunter probably already quit) and the only reason we only beat them by 3 is that everyone was still a little hungover/burnt out on kickball from our Vegas escapades. If you didn't hear, we, the best team in Texas got knocked out in the elite 8. We had a lot of fun, there was a lot of sex, and there was a lot of fun sex so that pretty much means Vegas was ALMOST a success. We definitely did better than last year and the sky is the limit for that team. 

Ask Jay about how a drunk guy tried to attack him after he kicked the ball. Also, this chubby hoe called Shannon's sister (a professional sand volleyball player) fat. I don't know if you've ever watched an upper level volleyball game, but fat and volleyball don't go together. 

This week we play whoever and we'll beat them by whatever. Please someone give us a challenge because this shit is starting to get boring again. Real talk. 

Shout to Alex Victor for getting into Dr. School or whatever happened. He's a smart kid and one day he'll be delivering babies, doing brain surgery, or sticking his fist up your asshole. I'm not sure what kind of doctor he's going to be but I think it's one of those.

Until you let Alex tickle your innards, Relax and Let it Happen. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Awful Waffles

Hi gang,
Another week and another hard fought win, this time 4-2 over hangers and bangers.  A live team.  That's right.  A win over a Capital team.  Which might not be too surprising since we were a Capital team a long time ago (last season).  Guenther gets the game ball with a three run triple which was only slightly sullied with him being thrown out at home.  
Wait thats not right. Actually it wasn't that great of a game.  Our team kinda regressed to years past performance (probably due to the two week bye...thanks schedule maker!). We couldn't score runs and our defense was mostly "let them load the bases and them get outs at home".  So like all teams struggling we went to camp.  Not a kickball camp per se but a camp nonetheless:

A bar crawl like that really clears your head!  
This week we're refreshed and ready to rock Balls and dolls.  I don't know much about them but thinking we'll be ok.

Yours forever,
awful waffles

Monday, October 17, 2011

PurpleSaurus Rex!

PurpleSaurus is entering the second of two consecutive bye weeks, and we've been forced to find alternate forms of entertainment in lieu of kickballing, such as knocking bones:

And going over the top on Sly Stallone:

Mid-Season partying was as epic as expected, although a few PurpleSaurs got a little too tipsy, unexpectedly transformed into Dinobots and started yelling things like "Me Grimlock! Me no bozo! Me KING!" before pounding tequila shots.

Still got our eyes on Dillon Panthers next week, we look forward to devouring you soon!


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dillon Panthers

Well the Dillon Panthers are running out of GMOT material a little bit.  We don’t have a rival to talk trash to, and we are still in the nickname development phase.  So for this week’s post I will resort to a poetic style that is both sophisticated and concise.  I give you, a Dillon Panthers acrostic.

Power shortage: The Panthers await their first outfield hit.

Aging well:  The Panthers had 3 times as many runs scored on them in the first inning of the season than the following 14 combined.

Not acknowledged:  Despite a rapid climb up the standings the Panthers remain unranked in the Power Polls.  Marc Stein would never allow this!

Tagging up: A concept we are struggling with a bit.

Halloween: Is soon.  Just a reminder.

Economical:  With a level of thriftiness appropriate for our current times, the Panthers have won 2 games by a combined 2 runs.

Riggins, Tim: The Panthers model for both in-game excellence and pre/during/post game drinking.  Also hair.

Sandstorm:  The Panthers get ready for games by blasting this 90's Finnish trance hit.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Awful Waffles

Ahhhhh field four.  We knew we'd be stuck with you eventually but not so early in the season.  No bother though, we just continued on like we always do.  15-2.  Decent win but I think it was clear to everyone that our pitcher, Big Gunth, didn't really have his heart in it.  Which is understandable since it was 15-2.  Me being blind in one eye wasn't a hindrance nor was our social chair and our art director being MIA due to some founders cup thing and First Thursday. Highlight was Alyssa, captain that she is, going over to yell at the dudes at the other fields not to touch our balls when we kicked onto their fields.  Now for those of you who don't know her, she's a feisty one that's short with a wicked thick New York accent.  I don't even think the guy she was yelling at understood her but he looked frightened to his core.  Needless to say, he didn't risk touching our balls again.  And then after the game, we rocked jello shots with pumped up kicks since we're not douches...just winners.  
This week we look to be full strength in a clash against capital team Hangers and Bangers. I'm thinking more good things are headed our way. 

Sincerely yours,
awful waffles

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

PurpleSaurus Rex

When losing a kickball game badly the only truly sportman-like way to respond is to get super drunk and start making fun of opposing players' haircuts, so we did exactly that. After a vicious 6-0 beat down at the hands of Sit On My Base, I think I have discovered the fatal flaw in our team's composition:

Big head + little arms = not so great at kickball.  But I have a solution.  After secret meetings with the evil and diabolical artificial intelligence known as Robotkicks, we have developed this highly technical drawing of the new technology that is to be the salvation of PurpleSaurus Rex.

That's right, ROBOT ARMS.  It will take a few weeks to develop our mechanisms of kickball domination so we're on bye for a while, but know that you will all rue the day you mocked us!  Practice your rueing.  Especially you Dillon Panthers, you're next!

In other news, due to the horribleness of what was happening in Dallas on my TV this past Saturday, I decided to go in the other room for an hour and make freakin sweet hats for my teammates. Behold, the PurpleSaurus HAT!

In situations like this, it's normal to seeth with envy and wish you could have such an awesome awesome hat, so don't feel bad. All you need is a few bucks for cheap-like-free hats from amazon, some inkjet iron-transfer paper, and to quit being jealous weenies and make your own hats. All the cool kids are doing it.

No Kool-Aid related jokes this week, I just love dinosaurs too much.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

PurpleSaurus Rex!

Riddle: What's purple, has 2 fingers on each stubby little arm, and is going to devour Sit On My Base like a helpless prey animal tonight?

This animated sequence from the Discovery Channel should be a good hint:

If you guessed PURPLESAURUS REX, congratulations!  You win free Kool-Aid! Come by field #2 tonight to claim your prize.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Walk of Shame™

Dear Relax and Let it Happen,

It has come to our attention that some of you aren't pleased with the Walks GMOT from last week. It was thought to be too mean and harsh. We would first like to say, we absolutely won the GMOT war last week.... While we still don't care what any of you personally think, we must put league above all. So with that in mind. This is an official "Our Bad" write up... So... Our Bad, even though JG told us we...

-Were Smelly

-Had a "triple gap"?

-Below average

-Had "bitties"?

-Not doable

-Had no leadership

For those of you who don't know Dre. Let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm Dre. And I can't let anyone just talk about us like this. It just doesn't go down like that. I don't care if you beat us by 52. And Relax knows this.

However, since Relax is going to the Founders Cup tournament (that we were excluded from thanks to some backroom, corrupt WAKA shenanigans), we know their sensitivity level is very high right now. We want you know that we are cheering for you. That you can compete with the other pretty girls. And that no matter what they say about you... You ARE somebody! You ARE special! And don't you forget it.

And as a peace offering, we will let you folks have an opportunity at your very own Walk of Shame this weekend at Founders Cup. Our very own Walks Goddesses, Erin Shirley and Mizzy Rodriguez will be yours for one weekend. Don't get any funny ideas. You can't steal them. However this weekend, consider them as a show of our good faith. We expect them back... unharmed.

Another thing, we're not above basking in your glory, so if you do win... We'll dance under the Texas flag with you. So can we love each other again?

Our Bad,
The Walks

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Dillon Panthers

The Dillon Panthers are new to semi-pro kickball.  Like any predator entering new territory, we have spent the first two weeks of the season sizing up our competition and getting the lay of the land.  Other than the extreme volatility in the application of the “pitch slower to girls” rule and the Japanese baseball-like emphasis on small ball, I’ve come to a major realization as official scribe of the Dillon Panthers: semi-pro kickball is like the Real Worldvs. Road Rules Challenge.

For those unfamiliar with this excellent bit of programming (a group as mysterious to me as the Two and a Half Men fan base), The Challenge originally pitted veterans of MTV’s two major reality programs against one another.  As the years went on, and producers mixed up the format, competitions became increasingly intense and patterns of behavior began to emerge—patterns that remind me of our league.
  1. The same core people keep coming back.
Wes. Coral. CT. Paula. Abe.  It’s not a Challenge if these people aren’t around pulling each others’ hair and becoming eskimo brothers and sisters.  These returners give successive seasons a sense of continuity and create a cast of characters you watch the show to see.  Same seems true in our league.  Reading through GMOT, it seems like many of the teams have been around for years and have all kinds of fun internal rivalries and story arcs that we can follow as the season goes on.  I can’t wait for the reunion show.
  1. “Rookies” are initially discounted and rarely win.
Rookies typically do not do well in Challenges.  The veteran people have a major advantage in developing chemistry with each other and getting good at the unique athletic demands of the Challenge.  It seems like there is a lot of talk about veteran teams doing the same in our league.  The Week 2 power polls suggest the same.  In the most recent Challenge, newcomers LeRoy and Michael were counted out early but hung around long enough to finish third, a major Challenge coup.  The Dillon Panthers are LeRoy and Michael… though we plan to do better than third.
  1. Slutty people.
Hard to determine the relative chastity of the league at this point, but in our first game a girl ran directly from second base to home.  What a hussy.
  1. Extreme (athlete) host in wild clothing.


So, there you have it.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

PurpleSaurus Rex

Turns out last weeks video wasn't as accurate a prediction as a violet therapod might have hoped.  The evil Robotkicks somehow managed to take Skynet online, and began their extermination of the human race with Field #3 at 8 PM last Thursday.  There were no survivors.

Highlights of the night included an empty cooler of PurpleSaurus Punch, Lundy dropping a fly ball in the outfield (MVP), and my minions helping me to sell $105 worth of jello shots to all the awesome kickballers that wanted to add 'gelatinous' to the list of adjectives that could describe their night. I don't want to toot my own horn but thats a pretty SOLID number (TOOOOOT!) and the gauntlet has been thrown down for anyone to beat it.

PurpleSaurus is on the two steps forward - one step back plan of progression to their first WAKA title. Create PurpleSaurus and then win our first game in classic fashion? Two steps forward. Lose a well-fought ame on one great kick* from a Candy Van ringer? One step back, and a baby step at that. One might even call it a step forward because we ALL knew that the Robotkicks' delicate sense of self-worth hinged entirely on their performance that night, and mercy is one of the true marks of greatness.

There appears to be a lot of talk about what sort of lady various teams are, so I'm going to go with the established motif here and educate you on what kind of girl PurpleSaurus Rex is:

It's 1:50 AM and you're in full on anything-with-a-pulse-will-do survival mode when you spot her over in the corner. This girl is a BEAST. Beady eyes, leathery skin, she probably weighs a ton or more. "Slump-buster" you think and move in for the kill. You walk up, hand her the drink you bought at last call and lay down your best lines about who she's going home with tonight, while she murmurs and grunts in what can only be agreement. You look deep into her eyes and see exactly what you were hoping for: hunger. This girl wants it, and you're going to give it to her. Suddenly your tongues are intertwined and you're grasping at each other with a ferocity you never thought possible. Blood is running down your chin as her talon like teeth gnash at your lips ... wait WHAT?  Too late you realize you're MAKING OUT WITH A F***ING DINOSAUR and she rips open your belly with one fell swipe her powerful hing leg. You can hardly hear yourself screaming in terror as you spend your last moments thrashing helplessly while watching PurpleSaurus Rex devour your glittering entrails.

*Quick note on that kick: DAMN. I know you couldn't see it Tom because you were already rounding 2nd base, but that thing was still on the way UP when it went over the right fielder; you were home long before she ever pulled it out of the church parking lot. Go play in Capital and quit shitting on our dreams.

Candy Van (Redux)

I know that I already wrote something for this week's GMOT, but all this talk about what kind of girls Relax and Walks are made us a little jealous. So, let us go ahead and tell you what kind of girl Candy Van is. Because we're damn proud of who we are.

Candy Van is the drunk girl at the bar. You know the one: leaning on the bar, looking half-asleep and half-dead, but still trying to convince everyone that she's really not that drunk. At some point in the night, she'll mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and return 10 minutes later, triumphantly proclaiming that she puked and now she's ready to rally. She probably has vomit in her hair and toilet paper stuck to her bare foot (because her feet were starting to hurt from her heels), but that won't stop her from trying to make out with everyone at the bar. 

At some point she'll get sad that everyone is treating her like a drunk girl and she'll demand that everyone stop treating her like she's wasted. Then, she'll anger-dance it off either in an open area or on a table. After dancing off her anger/forgetting about it, she'll go back to her friends and slur some combination of the words best, friends, night, fucking, and love. At around 1:50, her friends will find her making out with some random guy at the bar. When they try to pull her away, she'll fight them saying that she really likes him, nay LOVES him, and wants to go home with him because he seems like a really great guy AND he watches It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Her friends will remind her that about 20 minutes before then she said, "I'm gonna make out with that guy, but I don't want to. Don't let me go home with him." Drunk girl will have completely forgotten this, but she will begrudgingly go home with her friends anyway. 

She'll wake up in the morning wearing the same clothes she had on the night before wondering why her mouth tastes like a combination of garbage, vodka, vomit, and Whataburger. And then she'll vomit again and try to shower off her bar stank, but not before realizing she won the honor of wearing the Drunkest Girl At the Party sash and tiara. Again. 

So WAKA, meet Candy Van: the drunkest girl at the party. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Walk of Shame™

Okay so we lost. It's happened before, it won't be the last time either. But we know what you're going to do here. You're going to tell us what "girl we're like". But that's boring. We're going to tell you about the kind of girl you are.

You see, Relax is like that girl in high school who everyone thought was good looking when you looked at her. All the guys wanna hit it. Little did they know her looks were covering up a truly sick woman. She has a drug habit. Her two front teeth are fake. She performs fellatio on math teachers for passing grades. Her parents are bankrupt. Her life is in shambles and no one is taking notice. Then one day she goes to Hollywood to hit it big and be a model. She ends up doing nude pictures for a guy she met at In and Out Burger. He promises to make her a star. He takes polaroids of her. She finds out the only way to success when she's out there is to do porn. Now she's doing blow and sucking off men wearing gold chains. After 10 months, no one ever hears from her again until she comes back home "born again" and now sucks off the youth minister at a church, only now it's acceptable as she's married to him.

This is the metaphor for what's going to happen to you in Vegas. You guys think you're hot shit, but you're not. No one actually cares that you beat a team from Florida in a tournament that wasn't even sanctioned by WAKA. Let's be honest here. Florida is only cool if you're going to Nickelodeon or Universal Studios, so you get no love for that.

Also, you're thieves. Half of your wack ass roster for Vegas is stolen. Will didn't play on your team. You stole him. Alex didn't (and still doesn't now) play on your team. You tried to steal her. Let's see who else? Oh Clay. Yeah, his ass didn't play for your team. He was an orphan boy after his brother left town. So you stole him. Sarah Nelson was an transplant from Maine. How could I forget! Tanker! Yeah, our pitcher. You are "borrowing" him for Vegas. The funny thing about this pickup is that he's actually BETTER than your current starting pitcher. You don't believe me Jay Russell? Ask your teammates they'll tell you. Go ahead. Ask Hutch. Ask Joey. They'll tell you.

You see. Appearances my friends. On the outside, it's all good. But when you peel back the layers, you're just an easy lay. A cheap thrill. When you go and see the other pretty girls in Vegas, you'll go back to doing what you know how to do best- and that's lie down, Relax... And Let it Happen.

(Shannon... Call me) ;-)