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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Week 5 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - N/A
Running into a mid-season stretch of weak teams, all part of my secret plan that I just made up to sabotage their chances at FC next week.

Firmly established as the #2 in the league.

3 - Tight and Bright - ↑1
I promised Dre I would move them up in the rankings if he reffed so ... here we are.

4 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - ↓1
I could try and justify dropping them due to an unconvincing win over Plan B, but in truth I just made a rankings side deal with Dre. #integrity

5 -  Plan B - N/A
Not sure how this team is worse than it was last season, but it seems like a little of the magic just isn't there.

6 - Sit On My Base - N/A
Taking it like a champ against the league champs.

7 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A
I don't think anyone even actually reffed the Hardon Bowl, but it looked like fun!

8 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - N/A
Still haven't returned the belt.

9 - Pitches be Trippin' -  N/A
Returned to their curb stomping ways with a 10-3 victory

10 - Jacked to the Kicks - ↑2
Deceptively good team, don't sleep on this crew.

11 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - ↑2
Gave up more than they should have to PSR, but word on the street is Rex had a ringer in the roster last week.

12 - At Least We're Having Fun - ↑1
I feel like this might actually be where this team belongs in the rankings long term. Their game this week will speak volumes.

13 - Booooze on First! -  ↑1
Took care of business with a clean win over SOPKTP.

14 - Brown Guys and Friends -  ↓4
Turns out that as long as these guys have at least an hour to start drinking before the game their performance suffers dramatically. They have no 7 PM games for the rest of the season soooooo...

15 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - N/A
Got me all excited there for a hot minute, but this isn't a revolution. They are we we thought they were.

16 - Red Ball and V0dka - N/A
Hard to judge a loss to PBT really, but they did put some runs on the board?

17 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A
They've got the heart and the will but the execution just isn't there.

18 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  N/A
Actually made the game interesting when they got within 1 in the bottom of the 4th, but gave up 3 in the 5th frame and couldn't convert any runs even with their team Dad attempting to bunt. (Spoiler: he is bad at bunting and kicked away after failing to bunt 3 times) 

Week 5 Picks

Now we're cookin' with bacon. 7-1-1 last week!

Regular Season Record: 26-7-3 (.764)


Game 1: Red Ball and VOdka vs Booooze On First!
Booooze on First -2.5

Game 2: Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt vs Do You Even Kick, Bro?
Do You Even Kick Bro -1.5

Game 3: Sit On My Base vs The Tyrannical Tea Baggers
Tyrannical Tea Baggers -3.5

Game 4: Brown Guy and Friends vs Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names
Kickin' Grass -3.5

Game 5: FRESH BRU vs Large Hardon Collider - Length

Game 6: PurpleSaurus Rex vs Jacked to the Kicks
Jacked to the Kicks -4.5

Game 7: Tight and Bright vs Plan B
Tight and Bright -2.5

Game 8: Finkick Odair vs Large Hardon Collider - Girth
Finkick Odair -10.5

Game of the Week: Pitches Be Trippin' vs At Least We're Having Fun
The best of the worst is always a weird place to be. Everyone in the top half of the Music conference is having a great time winning, but you don't want to be TOO good in case we end up voting next season and people remember getting their asses kicked by you and vote you up to Capital. ALWHF has done a good job of flying under the radar this season, and they do completely fall apart when their manager isn't there to handle kicking order and fielding assignments, but PBT has gone from unstoppable to vulnerable in the last couple of weeks even though they remain undefeated. My guess is the Funsies take their foot off the pedal again to get themselves back down to a middle of the pack ranking, but this is actually going to be one of the most evenly matched games talent wise of the season, barring possibly Kickin' Grass vs Having Fun.
Pitches Be Trippin' -1.5

PurpleSaurus Rex - For Great Justice!

Few things make PurpleSaurians happier than excuses to wear costumes, which makes tonight extra special as we take our rightful place as gods among men as the Justice League! A few confirmed attendees are Batgirl, Catwoman, and Green Lantern, while yours truly will be taking on the important role of Wonder Woman in a reprise of my 2005 debut:

I am not this skinny anymore, and I have not obtained permission to grow that glorious hair back out)

Sit On My Base

It's been a rough couple of weeks for Sit on My Base. After winning our opening match, we've lost or drawn each week since. But that hasn't stopped us from having a blast doing it. This week we were trounced by Finkick Odair, in a game that we knew we were going to lose. This team is warming up in drills before the match, and from what I've been told (and have now seen) are the real deal. Luckily, they're as classy and cool as they are AMAZING at kickball. I've never had so much fun getting the crap kicked out of me. We slapped and chugged box wine, shared plenty of laughs, and it never felt like we were losing anything. Also, I witnessed the most amazing catch EVER. Sara Perez, beer in hand, made a sick catch in center field that I believe will go down in history as the best ever. Thanks Waka for being so awesome that a 13-0 loss feels like a win.


Thursday, September 22, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Nightman - the lyrics!

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)
Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)

Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)
You're a Master of Karate
And friendship
For Everyone

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)
Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)
Champion of the Sun! (ah-ah-ah)
You're a Master of Karate

And Friendship
For Everyone

Dayman (ah-ah-ah)
Fighter of the Nightman (ah-ah-ah)
Champion of the Sun (ah-ah-ah)
You're a Master of Karate
And Friendship
For Everyone!

Week 4 Picks

I got cocky. 9-0 one week. 4-3-2 the next.

Regular Season Record: 19-6-2 (.740)


Game 1: At Least We're Having Fun vs Do You Even Kick, Bro?
At Least We're Having Fun -1.5

Game 2: Tight and Bright vs FRESH BRU

Game 3: Brown Guy and Friends vs Jacked to the Kicks
Brown Guy -1.5

Game 4: Finkick Odair vs Sit On My Base
Finkick Odair -7.5

Game 5: Booooze On First! vs Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt
Boooooze on First! -3.5

Game 6: The Tyrannical Teabaggers vs Plan B
Teabaggers -3.5

Game 7: PurpleSaurus Rex vs Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names
Kickin Grass -4.5

Game 8: Pitches Be Trippin' vs Red Ball and VOdka
Pitches Be Trippin' -4.5

Game of the Week: The Large Hardon Collision
These two teams have been a little off their game playing up in the Capital conference. Out of their element, forced to try and live up to unreasonable expectations, and held back from just swinging their genitals around in wild abandon. That ends tonight, as the Hardon Bowl pits Hardon on Hardon to double penetrate the league's sensibilities. I still have high expectations for this game, but only for the return of their party spirit.
Large Hardon Collider -.5

Week 4 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - N/A
This game was painful to watch. Basically looked like this: 

Took out their frustration from last weeks win by just pooping all over Plan B.

3 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A
Held off T&B, but certainly didn't create a lot of separation.

4 - Tight and Bright - ↑1
Wish I could rank them lower for Andre being a D-yoosh.

5 -  Plan B - ↓1
I hear Ninad went home and rethought his whole life after the beating they took from FRESH BRU.

6 - Sit On My Base - N/A
At first I thought we had sort of a 3 team bottom tier in this conference, but now I'm thinking these guys could maybe beat Plan B? There I said it!

7 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A
A gutsy tie, but lets be real. They're saving it all for their superbowl: Hardon vs Hardon this week.

8 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - N/A
16-2 losses are karma for stealing the Party Belt.

9 - Pitches be Trippin' -  N/A
Clearly this team got together and decided to take their foot off the gas and not be "those guys" in the lower conference, but then they almost lost and got really stressed out but still pulled out a 1 run victory. Mental errors make them no longer the runaway favorite.

10 - Brown Guys and Friends -  ↑4
New contender for least consistent team in the league. Where did a 16-5 win come from?

11 - At Least We're Having Fun - N/A
I blame this loss on the manager, I'm not ready to demote them yet. This week could set a trend that tumbles them in the standings though.

12 - Jacked to the Kicks - ↑3
All around awesome performance that came just short of turning around a huge upset against the conference leaders.

13 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - ↑1
Slowly but surely makin their way.

14 - Booooze on First! -  ↓4
The kickball gods giveth and taketh away. Their paper thin roster is their biggest weakness.

15 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - ↑1
Oh snap! Here they are with the W! Could be a fluke, could be the start of something big.

16 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓4
I overestimated their kickball ability almost as much as I overestimated Caitlin's ability to judge #picoftheweek impartially.

17 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A
Jekyll and Hyde defense and offense. Great short game with really good bunts and smart baserunning for days when they're kicking, then hilari-bad pitching (multiple pitches did not cross the plate) and general tomfoolery while on the field. Did their best but couldn't lose to PurpleSaurus Rex.

18 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  N/A
In week 3 PurpleSaurus Rex septupled their run total for the season, which sounds impressive until you realize they only had 1 run scored through week 2. 

#AllColorsSaurus Rex

Rainbows vs Neon was the hot debate on GroupMe this week, and rather than let our strong opinions about which was a superior theme divide us, we've decided that this week #allcolorsmatter. Nothing says fun theme night like a hashtag that feels just vaguely racist!

Baby night resulted, unsuprisingly, in another #picoftheweek win and BOOMTOWN another belt win for The Rex, putting us at 16 points on the season and officially lapping the incumbent Hardons. I've started posting pictures on behalf of other teams so that they can be part of the fun too, I believe in you guys!

This week's featured violet saurischians include Rugby star and part time kickball player Rob Jaskula, 6 time winner of "best male butt on the team" Clay Porter, and unicorn-riding sexy satyr Jim Duchnowski!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

BabySaurus Rex

One of the big reasons for the PurpleSaurus extinction scare was some key elements disappearing to do the opposite of going extinct: PROCREATING! The fruits of our loins are now big enough to join us at the field, and 7 PM games are now BabySaurus Rex outings for Madison, Sawyer, and Adler. Look for the tiny crawling fresh-out-of-the-egg adorableness on the sideline this week!

As promised, you'll be meeting two more players each week via trading card. This week is PurpleSaurus Co-Captain Heide Danysh and Super-Mom Kristie Kelly!

Week 3 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - N/A
The evil empire shows no signs of decay.

The student has not yet become the master.

3 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A
RE: run ruling the new guys 

4 -  Plan B - N/A
Their strength of victory over LHC Girth is higher than T&Bs was. HMMMMM.

5 - Tight and Bright - N/A
Wish I could rank them lower for Andre being a D-yoosh.

6 - Sit On My Base - N/A
Got in their first "Welcome to Capital" game.

7 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A
Most concerning about LHC is not their lack of scoring on the field, but limited scoring on the Life of the Party front. Has this team lost its way? Has playing in capital changed them that much?

8 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - N/A
The dubious distinction of the first run-rule of the season, but also seem to be struggling to get it up for the party afterwards. What's going on under the hood!?

9 - Pitches be Trippin' -  N/A
Strong scoring game against what I think is going to end up being one of the top teams in the conference, PBT is officially my early pick to run away with this conference.

10 - Booooze on First! -  N/A
As I expected they played well and got their first win with their players actually available to play.

11 - At Least We're Having Fun - N/A
Winning consistently but quietly, doing their best to be good but not "too good".

12 - Red Ball and V0dka -
Just pooped on PSR, but seemed entertained with the on-field shenanigans.

13 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - ↑1
I expect to be able to bump them up even further in the rankings as the weeks progress.

14 - Brown Guys and Friends -  ↓1
Lost a tight one and brought the party, strong contenders for funnest team in the league to play against / ref for.

15 - Jacked to the Kicks - N/A
On the board with their first W, should be something like a .500 team if my gut is right.

16 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - N/A
Two runs is better than no runs.

17 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A
Alright back to their losing ways, but I'm not convinced this team isn't secretly good at kickball. Will report back after playing them this week.

18 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  N/A
Despite their pitcher hurling his best (decidedly average) stuff, there's not a ton of defense available here. Big celebration for their first run of the season though!

Large Hardon Collider - Length

To Whom it May Concern,

We have the Life of the Party belt, and we're not giving it back! After having the belt all summer, it's developed a serious case of Stockholm syndrome, and doesn't want to leave us. You can just take our word on that.

Frankly, we don't think you want it back. After countless nights of partying with some of the most notorious degenerates in the league, the belt has developed a pretty serious case of alcoholism and an insatiable appetite for dirty movies (we're not sure who turned it on to those).

We will, however, CONSIDER returning the belt if the following conditions are met:

- $1,000,000.00 in unmarked bills, or a free beer for LHC captains at Toss after this week's game, whichever comes first.
- The "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy at Toss is amended to include a special "Robbie" clause, in which especially hairy men may enter sans shirt, as long as their chest hair can be mistaken for a shirt from far away.
- LHC-Length and SOP/KTP get a rematch of last week's bar game; not for points, just bragging rights.

If and when these demands are met, we'll meet with the rest of the council of Hardons and discuss the handing over of our precious belt. In the meantime, you can eat our shorts.


The Large Hardon Collider

Week 3 Picks

PERFECTION Y'ALL. 9-0 LAST WEEK. Bask in the glory that is me.

Regular Season Record: 15-3-0 (.833)


Game 1: Tight and Bright vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
Tight and Bright -.5

Game 2: At Least We're Having Fun vs Brown Guy and Friends
At Least We're Having Fun -2.5

Game 3: Finkick Odair vs Large Hardon Collider - Length
Finkick Odair -8.5

Game 4: Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names vs Red Ball and V0dka
Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names -1.5

Game 5: Booooze on First! vs Do You Even Kick, Bro?
Booooze on First! -2.5

Game 6: Sit On My Base vs Large Hardon Collider - Girth
Sit On My Base -.5

Game 7: FRESH BRU vs Plan B

Game 8: Pitches Be Trippin' vs Jacked to the Kicks
Pitches Be Trippin' -4.5

Game of the Week: PurpleSaurus Rex vs Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt
The true battle for the bottom has arrived: a new challenger has appeared! Sons of PItches Kickin the Punt has been comfortably claiming the bottom rung of the TX Live ladder for far too long, shrugging of challengers like it ain't no thang, but this season is something different. Two games in PurpleSaurus Rex boasts a -16 run differential and has only scored one run thus far in the season. Who will prevail in this clash of titans? Insider info says PurpleSaurus is bringing 3 infant cheerleaders to the game, will they even be paying attention? Will SOPKTP have another creepy babysitter theme in retaliation? Stay tuned to find out.
Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt -1.5

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Week 2 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - N/A
Shitting on dreams already.

2 - FRESH BRU - ↑2
Big week one win over the Tea Baggers has vaulted them right into serious consideration as contenders. Insiders apparently already knew this, but the league rep is not an insider.

3 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - ↓1
Stinging loss to the team that knocked them out of last seasons playoffs. New additions to the team need time to gel before they get moving.

4 -  Plan B - ↓1
The scoreboard doesn't represent that they were actually carrying a lead into the 4th and then a gave up a 2 out rally that could have been cut off 7 runs early if not for an untimely error. They'll rebound.

5 - Tight and Bright - N/A
Haven't seen them against the best in the league yet, so leaving them here for now.

6 - Sit On My Base - ↑2
A whole slew of new talent could make this a legit team after a few weeks to learn the ropes.

7 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↓1
Give em a few weeks to remember how to play for realsies, they'll find it!

8 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓1
Gotta capitalize on the winnable games, but with a healthy infusion of new players means they still need to learn the game a bit.

9 - Pitches be Trippin' -  ↑3
Injury ravaged my white ass Scott!

10 - Booooze on First! -  ↑1
These guys took a loss due to a forfeit, but actually looked really good in the exhibition game that I reffed. Once they get their ladies to show up, WATCH OUT!

11 - At Least We're Having Fun - Girth - ↓2
Won on a forfeit but lost the exhibition 8-5, which bumps them down a touch.

12 - Red Ball and V0dka -
Scraped together a 1 run win over SOPKTP, is this the rudderless version of RBV we saw at the beginning of last season? 5 runs is about what they gave up all last season...

13 - Brown Guys and Friends -  N/A
Clean win over this chill AF bros, looks like I had these guys about right.

14 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - ↑3
Newbie contender alert! This team looked legit on their first outing, and I wouldn't be shocked to see them continue to rise.

15 - Jacked to the Kicks - ↑1
While outclassed a bit by the opponent last week, these folks are no shlubs.

16 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - ↓2
Their captain has the best shirt in the league. #fact

17 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - ↑1
Five runs against a top 5 team? New look team?

18 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  ↓3
With a strong -11 scoring differential we have a new bottom of the barrel champion. Move over SOPKTP!