To Whom it May Concern,
We have the Life of the Party belt, and we're not giving it back! After having the belt all summer, it's developed a serious case of Stockholm syndrome, and doesn't want to leave us. You can just take our word on that.
Frankly, we don't think you want it back. After countless nights of partying with some of the most notorious degenerates in the league, the belt has developed a pretty serious case of alcoholism and an insatiable appetite for dirty movies (we're not sure who turned it on to those).
We will, however, CONSIDER returning the belt if the following conditions are met:
- $1,000,000.00 in unmarked bills, or a free beer for LHC captains at Toss after this week's game, whichever comes first.
- The "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy at Toss is amended to include a special "Robbie" clause, in which especially hairy men may enter sans shirt, as long as their chest hair can be mistaken for a shirt from far away.
- LHC-Length and SOP/KTP get a rematch of last week's bar game; not for points, just bragging rights.
If and when these demands are met, we'll meet with the rest of the council of Hardons and discuss the handing over of our precious belt. In the meantime, you can eat our shorts.
The Large Hardon Collider