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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

PurpleSaurus Rex

The predators in purple came out with one goal last week: out-fun the shit out of people. Stupid hats were everywhere, purple punch was flowing like an endless fount of performance-enhancing nectar, spirits were bolstered by a party playlist which was alleged to be so bumpin to have caused time to slow to 1/10th its normal speed while listening to it at work earlier in the day, and our good friends Adam and Pitches be Trippin were on the menu. RPS is for chumps, so I challenged Adam to a leg wrestling match instead. While I feel a little bad because he seems to be at the acute disadvantage of not knowing what the fuck is going on, this set the tone for the entire night:

A few victory roars later we took the field as the home team and promptly gave up a run to some stellar baserunning by turkey hat there, but remained unfazed. Returning vet Johnny Mitro anchored the defense from behind the place while newcomers Colin and Rob took to kickball like plesiosaurs to the Jurassic seas, and we held our own for 3.5 innings before blowing it open in the 4th with a big run to take over with a strong 4-1 lead that we never gave back. Afterwards, the general mood could best be described with the following gif:

It was, in the immortal words of Ruby Rod, SUPER GREEN. Also purple.
Those of you who shared in the joy of the Purple Punch, I hope you felt better in the morning than I did, and know you are always welcome to partake! Wily veteran Scott Hudnall chose to ref our game last week in order to scout us for this week, but all that did was assure him that we’re a lot better than him. Read between the lines in that GMOT entry. He’s scared. Shaking in his cleats. Prepare to face the cuddly, friendly ferocity of PurpleSaurus Rex, resident apex predator.


DISCLAIMER: I'm not a horrible person, but Tanker has refused to obey the rules. He DID turn in his GMOT before the deadline, but he neglected to attach the images to his email and further refused to submit the images by 10 a.m. So, anywhere it tells me to insert an image, I've taken the liberty of inserting some lovely photos of bronies I found on the internet.

So Teabaggers, what say you? That was an outright thrashing if we do say so ourselves. You and your national ranking taken down by 6 kickball virgins? No runs after the first inning? A unicorn? That's embarrassing enough as it is, but the loss wasn't even the most embarrassing part of the night for you, was it? No sir.

And that's why we need to bring back the GMOT's most beloved old section: Dbag of the Week. Whatever happened to it anyways? Did Joey just win so many times it got retired? Jay got tired of being nominated as his sidekick? At any rate, I'm bringing it back for the day to recognize our normally very mild-mannered, friendly ally in the fight against the evil squad of Relax, who just went rogue for a night.

So congrats to this guy on his award:

Or is it Captain Fupa?

Or I don't even know what to call this:

On a related note, Stride of Pride found themselves a new catcher. The position won't be anything different from his personal life (HA!), but Jordan tore it up back there (again, a common theme in his life). In addition, Leeho inexplicably forgot he was playing a real team and went for a unicorn, but even more baffling was when he safely did cross the plate. So thanks to Slob who we sent over as a double agent to break up the dynasty. You're doing great. Teabaggers are no 0-2 against former Walks.

Anyways, we can't wait to see you all in our cheering section Thursday, big Tanker heads and all.

P.S. Suck it, Whiskey Kick.

Raging Dinos

The DINOS are back and reh ta GO!!

We took our bye week seriously and sharpened our skills

Look out tight and bright, the DINOS are gonna

all over your pretty little parade.


I write this GMOT with a solemn tone, for something weighs heavy on my heart. We have had a dark cloud following our league for years, and it's time to put a stop to this vile habit. We, as a league, must stand together to stop the Relax point from becoming an epidemic.

It may seem harmless at first, but just one point spreads across the league faster than Tanker's mom's legs or herpes at Jay's family reunion. You may not think it affects you, but take it from me: it can happen to anyone. As a recovering pointer, I can only guarantee that the road to recovery is difficult, but my life is better now that I no longer point at the camera. That's why I so fully support this cause.

Join us today. Do your part to stop the point.

I'd like to thank to Jason G. for his editing and support in my times of need, and Jessica D. for filming my testimonial and slapping my finger when I relapse. I couldn't do this without you guys.


Starting this week WAKA is doing a raffle with the proceeds going to Kick-It, a group dedicated to raising money for cancer research for children. We will have better prizes than this:

 We will have multiple drawings for different prizes including a gift card to McDonalds, free pizzas from Mr. Gattis, a gift card to P. Terry’s, free icecream from Amy’s Icecream, and a gift card from Magnolia CafĂ©. The grand prize winner will get half of the cash! Tickets are only $1 each so bring your dolla bills to the fields. We’ll be selling this week and next week at the fields and the drawings will be done at the midseason party on Feb 8th.

Relax and Let It Happen

League, please proceed into this week of January 31, 2013 Year of Our Lord with caution and care. Grab a hand when you cross the street. Measure twice, cut once. Don’t put your drink down. And above all things, DON’T get in the Candy Van.
These people are NOT good for you, and now that Cutie McMuscles is off the team, there’s literally no reason to even be tempted by them. You know those guys that want to take your mom out on the town and feed her a steak dinner too? These people want to do that – to your little sister. It’s terrifying and awful and I’m sorry to be the one to say it. But please, HEED THE WARNING. Tom Hallock spins a web of noodle arms, and once you get caught you can never escape. Joey Thomas is NOT the friendly giant on the green beans can. Miss Gleason has been known to dress as Peter Pan, but her tree house full of little boys isn’t on the majestic peninsula of Never Never Land –it’s in a swampy cave on Whore Island.
Because this league reveres Relax so whole-heartedly, we’re going to do our very best to take these monsters down for good. It shouldn’t be hard, but as CV founder Jerry Sandusky would say, bottoms up – anything can happen. Come out and watch as good destroys evil once again. If you end up fraternizing with the members of CV, that’s your prerogative. But in the good name of Relax, be safe, know yourself, and make good choices.

Tight and Bright

Last week TnB did an incredible thing. After being shamed by a nasty, ill-willed results projection, we battled the odds to beat Whiskey Kick 6-1. I could turn it into a heroic tale where we miraculously pulled through in a nail-biter, but that would be a lie. We showed up, some of us blacked out, and we still beat WK without qualm or query. We then took it to G&S lounge where we impregnated the entire league with our awesomeness. We’re not sorry, and on Thursday, we fully intend to do it again.

This week we play Raging Dinos, and I already hate them. But don’t take my word for it. Please read up on current events, and then make your own informed decision.
  • TnB contacted the Dinos  on Sunday January 27, 2013 to propose a no-bunting, and 50% girls pitching game. The Dinos have yet to provide the courtesy of a response.
  • Dinos enthusiast “Pretty” Bruce Pomerleau is leaving his capital team high and dry. Strides of Pride will play shorthanded this week so that Bruce can contribute his self-acclaimed worth to the Dino’s pathetic attempt to destroy the glory that is TnB.
  •  The Dinos scheduled practice this week, but had to cancel due to inclement weather conditions. A Live team? Practicing? Shame.

The decision is yours to make, but I’m going to go on the record and say this - Raging Dinos, you’re terrible. We’re going to beat you, and we’re going to be obnoxiously cool doing it. 

Peace and love, 
Tight and Bright.

Better Red Than Blue Balls

We knew coming into Week 2 that our game against District 5 would
provide an early forecast for how the rest of the season may play out.
And even with some confusion over the rules, a couple mental
breakdowns on defense and losing track of which inning it was, we were
able to keep it close and competitive the whole game. Sure, we may
have come up one run short in the end, but doing so against one of the
more premiere teams in TX Live is a good look only two weeks into the

This week we have a bye, but we will return next Thursday to,
hopefully, return to our winning ways against Menace to Sobriety.
Maybe we'll even use the off week to practice.

The Tyrannical Teabaggers

Well last week sucked.  Kudos to Stride of Pride for living up to their Capital potential.  We'll have some practice and get things straightened out.

This season won't be the same without Walk of Shame in the league.  We rarely do GMOT's, but we would usually pull out the ol' thinking cap and make fun of Dre and company when we played them.  We have a bye this week, but instead of playing nobody, we're going to pull a Teo and talk shit about our opponent this week, Walk of Shame.  But because we're lazy we're just going to bring back the classics.

One Kick Wonders

After opening up in crisis mode with some last minute roster rotations, a decent Snappin' Da Base team managed to get on top us early, again. They kept the pressure on for most of the game, but we managed to even it up in the later innings. We get through the top of the final inning unscathed & head up for our last chance. The strategy is clear... small ball or bust. Jamie steps up manages to lay down a beautiful bun & run to start us off right. Justin follows with the same thing. Man on 1st & 2nd and up comes Cody in a later slot because he was a late arrival that contributed to the last minute confusion to start the game. How does he respond? Boomstick!... over the left field players.... everyone comes around for what was officially a 6-5 comeback win from 2 down. Too close for comfort, but hopefully we've learned a little more about our own ability to execute a strategy.

This week we'll be up against a deceptive Purplesaraus Rex team that has a capable infield core crew that'll be tough to consistently get on base against. Don't take these guys lightly, but take them we will. If our TX Live president, Stephen, keeps up his habit of never picking against his team, then his win/loss ratio is about to suffer another loss. Let's make it another fun night!

Peace, Love & Balls,
One Kick Wonders

Balls Against Humanity

Last week we scored 19 runs! Nineteen!! It was awesome. I think that’s more runs than we scored in all our games combined last season.

We have a bye this week (our muscles are still recovering from running the bases so much last week). But I wanted to share with those of you who don’t know where we got our name. It’s from this card game, Cards Against Humanity. It’s basically like Apples to Apples but the cards are awkward, hilarious, inappropriate, and offensive. Here are some things we’ll be entertaining ourselves with during our off week:

PurpleSaurus Jason

A few individuals pointed out that I “forgot” to include our charger Jason Casey in our roster when introducing everyone last week, but these allegations are perfectly false. The truth of the matter is, the majesty that is Jason Casey cannot be contained in a single line and a clever nickname, NAY! This man deserves his own GMOT entry.

Jason was a chance addition to our team last season, as another kickball rep mentioned that he was looking for a “fun” team in the South league, and was a “pretty solid” player. I added him to (then Get Drunk, Kick Away, now PurpleSaurus Rex)’s roster without ever meeting the guy, and was prepared to convert another one of Cameron’s cheeseball friends to to the true ways of kickball. It only took one week to realize that he was probably the best player on our roster, move him to charger, and have him anchor the kicking order every week. But Jason’s qualities don’t stop with his kickball prowess, oh no. More than that, he is an Adonis among men. Jason is a quiet and a very calm person. His interests include philosophy, learning about new technology, and personal organizing. His hair is so thick and flowy when he lets it grow long that his female friends call him by his alter ego-- Chadwick Pennington III (aka The Chad, who is scheduled to make a reappearance within the next few months). Other than kickball, which he has been playing regularly for four years, he also plays roller hockey as a defenseman.His favorite foods include spaghetti, Korean bulgogi, and ice cream. He enjoys watching movies and taking long walks along the beach. He has a poorly-behaved cat named Boo who he frequently picks up an uses as a Laser Cat.

Now I hate to come in with the bad news after I’ve worked the ladies in the league into a collective froth but Jason joined our team shortly after marrying his lovely wife Kristie, so try and keep it in your pants when you see those romance-novel-cover locks and steely good looks on the fields. In conclusion: I’d like to introduce Jason “MVP” Casey:

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers

Last week was the first game of our season. We played Rekickulous, our favorite non-Dunder team. We went in expecting a close game and that it would be our game to lose. We were kind of right.

Every other game or so we have what we've grown to call the "Dunder Inning". It's the one inning in a close game where the wheels come off. No matter what we do, we just can't seem to get it right. It's the inning where the ball is slightly misplayed and dropped on an otherwise typical catch. It's the inning where normally easy throws are just slightly missed. It's the inning where the ball gets held a little too long and the runner that should have been gunned down scores easily. It's the inning where someone decides they can throw and get the runner that is being lazy getting back to base out and instead throws it into the outfield. It's the inning that all of the booze we've been drinking hits us all at once. Basically, it's the inning where Matt's hair turns grey.

We had a hell of a Dunder Inning last game. Our new players all were kicking major ass. Our veterans were playing well and having some fun. Our O was getting the job done and turning heads. Our D was doing well and getting out of jams. Rekickulous was playing exactly how we anticipated they would. We seemed to be easing into a small margin victory and then it happened. The ghosts of Dunder past showed up and we suddenly couldn't get anything right. We turned a small lead into a 7 to 2 deficit. The Dunder Inning had reared it's ugly head. We got a couple more runs on the board after, but the first Dunder Inning of the year shat all over our hopes and we lost 7 - 4.

This week we play the Wolverines. They're a group of Michigan alums. A lot of Dunder are from the Ohio State. We're coming off a tough loss. A lot of Dunder can't wait to yet again prove Ohio dominant over Michigan. There will be no Dunder Inning this week.

How to Write a GMOT Entry

Look: I'm not trying to act like I'm a GMOT deity here, just your loving Czar who wants nothing but the best for the GMOT. You certainly don't have to follow this advice, but I wanted to provide it for anyone that wants it. I'm a professional writer in my real life, so you can sort of trust me.
  1. Pick a subject or theme. Game recap? Sure. Creative trash talk? More, please. Ridiculous photoshopping? F* yeah. You can write about anything you want! You can find a lot of ideas from browsing the older entries, too. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, right?
  2. WRITE IT. Just write and write to your heart's content. If you get stuck, come back to it later. Don't be stressed out about your content; people aren't really judging you that much.
  3. PROOFREAD and revise. Every once in awhile I write solid gold on my first take. The other 99% of the time I've gone through a few iterations. Know this: the GMOT Czar gets a lady boner whenever she reads a typo-free submission.
  4. Add a visual. Want to really hit it out the park? ADD A PIC! Whether it's a photo of Drebraham Lincoln or your team logo, there's always a place for your beautiful art in the GMOT!
  5. SUBMIT IT! When you're ready to submit, copy the text to an email and send it to waka.gmot@gmail.com. If you're including visuals, simply add a note (ex. [insert image 1 here]) where you want the image and then attach that image to the email. Easy, right? Make sure you have your entries complete by 10 A.M. on Wednesday to make the week's entry!
Now, I know this can't be easy for any of you GMOT virgins, but we wanted to do what we could to help ease your nerves. We here at the GMOT were lucky enough to document the experiences of a real-life first time GMOT author in the critically-acclaimed documentary WRITING A MIRACLE: The WAKA Austin GMOT Story. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but most importantly, you'll feel better that you're not alone in your fears.


Thursday, January 24, 2013

PurpleSaurus Rex

The Rex has returned, and as the apex predator in this timid, trembling league of prey animals, we extend the warmest greetings our powerful, knife-lined, slavering jaws can offer. Rikickulous apparently didn't get the memo that we are not to be trifled with and beat us 4-3 in 6 innings, but we are unfazed. Like seriously unfazed. This is what happens when you beat our team:

It doesn't even register. The Purple Punch is making it return, and keep this on the DL but I'm keeping the ABV low for the first few weeks to lull everyone into a false sense of security before bringing it back to death levels around mid season and restoring it's full panty-dropping potential.

Next up? Pitches be Trippin. I've already challenged Adam to leg wrestling in lieu of RPS to decide home field, and since he's already accepted I'll share this image of my last victim:

Prepare yourself! I actually think we might lose this game by 30, but I fully believe we'll be sharing punch and funsies with these folks pre-game, during-game, post-game, in the alley by G&S, my place for a night cap maybe? Damn those would be good looking babies.

I feel like the Purps need an intro, being that its a pretty new lineup, so lets take a look at the roster!

Stephen "Look How High I Kicked It" Moursund - Captain, 1B, Awesome
Andrew "Sorry for Partying" Cox - P
Kristen "Sex Kitten" De Yoe - 2B
Ashley "Is It OK if I Bring My Dog?" McKemie - OF
Kelsey "Foxy Coxie" Hill - OF
Erica "I'm Gonna Ride Your Boyfriend" Diaz - 2B
Kim "Buns Out, Wiener" Vozar - SS
Colin "Hasn't Showed Up Yet" Heneghan - OF
Rob "Tiny" Jaskula - 3B
Kristie "Sometimes Bunts" Kelly - SS
Megan "Probably Won't Ever Actually Play" Lundquist - 2B
Sterling "I Stayed Up Until 3 Watching the Australian Open Last Night" Shrader
"Johnny Mitro" Mitrowski - C
Falesha "Feesh Balls" Thrash - 2B
Alex "I Have to Raid at 7:30" Mitrowski - OF
Alex "I Got It!!! ... Shit!" Morris - OF
Amy "Brunhilda" Brunner - 2B
Eric "Forced Entry" Ormsby - OF
Clayton "I'm Too Nice to be Made Fun Of" Porter - OF
Hayley "Rub it Out" Fojtik - OF

So it turns out there are a ton of people on the team this season, awesome! Look for the ORIGINAL dino-themed team in purple tonight, we'll be hanging out in the back of the park all night and then taking care of business at the bar until late.

Stephen and PurpleSaurus Rex

Balls Against Humanity

The cat below sums up how we feel about week one. Sometimes you just
get the shaft, and shafted we were. A narrow loss (3-2) vs “Kickin’ It Easy”
was about turn into a serious beating until our game was cut short due to
pesky things like field lights and the slooooooow Capital game prior to
ours. Anyway, like Lance Armstrong, we’ll be drowning our sorrows in
booze this week. But we’ll get over it and take our frustrations out on
Menace 2 Sobriety in week two.

Love, BAH!

Better Red than Blue Balls

After a couple season hiatus, including a season where we were merged
with another team, Better Red than Blue Balls is back for another
go-around – this season featuring plenty of new and unproven talent.

Last week we played the Wolverines, a brand-new Capital team that is
apparently only composed of Michigan alumni. Fortunately for us, they
have continued a long-standing Michigan tradition: losing.

We kept it close for a bit before busting the game open with a
seven-run third inning. Never ones to make it easy on ourselves, the
Wolverines clawed back and had us against the ropes with the bases
loaded in the top of the fifth, but we were able to close out after
only sacrificing one run. Definitely an exciting end, with the good
guys coming out on top (much like in the South Carolina bowl game).

For a team not necessarily known for their offensive prowess, it
was nice to be able to get 8 runs on the board. If we can continue
that success and tweak some of our defensive schemes, we might end up
being a team that surprises people this season.

This week we play the team formerly known as Slampieces, Smokeshows
and Bros, who should serve as a good test in evaluating where we stand
in the league: a close game should prove that we are headed in the
right direction.

The Tyrannical Teabaggers

We could've written about a lot of things this week....how we played such a shitty game last week....the new faces on our team....but instead we will write about identity theft.  This is a serious issue.  It's not like identity theft is a joke or anything.  They even made a movie about it.

We, The Tyrannical Teabaggers, have become the latest victim of identity theft.  A team in Live took the name The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers this season, which is a clear case of copyright infringement.  The Teabaggers have been around since 2009 and we have built up a solid brand name for ourselves.  Our brand recognition is on par with McDonald's and Apple, so for it to be sullied by another team is just not acceptable.  Why would they steal something so near and dear to us?  Is it a sign of respect?  Do they want to be the AAA team to our major league team?  Is is the first salvo of a war?  We assume it is the latter, and should the scheduling gods allow it, we look forward to destroying our new found enemies on some future Thursday night in what can only be called......The Tyrannical Bag-off!

Until then we look forward to getting back to our winning ways this week against Stride of Pride.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

One Kick Wonders

We came. We saw. We squeaked by with a one-run, comeback victory over some good friends of ours... Balls Against Humanity. BAH has had the return of some wily veterans & some promising new blood. Look out for these guys this season.

Cody gets the accidental play of the night for scoring a homer when he was obviously only trying hump the ground. We had great first outings from the new kids on our team. After a shaky start, we managed to get it together and turn it around just enough to win. We'll be looking for a better start out of the gate this week against Snappin' da Base. Here comes the fun!

Peace, Love & Balls,
One Kick Wonders

Relax and Let It Happen

Relax has a bye this week, but that’s no reason to waste a GMOT writing opportunity. This week we’d like to propose something to the League. If we’re being honest, this is really for the ladies, but guys, if you want to and think you’ve got what it takes, I say go for it.

We’re not here to ask anything of you, we just want to take the time to make sure something is very clear. We’ve got a textbook stud walking the proverbial halls of this league, and we’re not sure he’s getting the glory and attention he deserves. After nearly a year of unemployment and buying his late night Domino’s with Daddy’s credit card, this man tricked one of our nation’s finest non-profit organizations into giving him a job. He boasts an impressive 5’5” frame, filled out with a cuddly 50/50 split between attempts at working out and evidence of that nightly pizza delivery.

Ladies (and maybe, just maybe the right flavor of gentlemen), this man is Andrew Tanker, colloquially known as “Tanker”. I’d like to be able to tell you what team Tanker is on, but in the past year alone it has become a bit complicated. Tanker used to play with a Texas Capital gem “Walk of Shame”. He then jumped at the chance to improve his resume after receiving a pity invite from Austin’s true pride “Relax and Let it Happen”. I guess he got tired of feeling like the kid brother to star pitchers Andre “Chocolate Heat” Rodgers and Jay “White Stallion” Russell, so he gathered enough of Austin’s homeless to start his very own team “Strides of Pride”.  Call it wishy-washy, call it traitorous, call it social climbing… call it whatever you may. Bottom line is, Tanker is the league bicycle.

This brings us to our final point – Andrew Tanker is a man among boys, a God among men – and he just may be Austin’s most desired and available bachelor. If this total package (and average-sized package) sounds good to you, graze his hip at the Lounge. Approach him on the field. A lady who talks shit is guaranteed to get his little buddy to stand at attention. Do whatever you need to do, but do it with confidence ladies. If there’s one thing I can assure you it’s this – he will not say no. So this week’s GMOT is not meant to inspire our team, it’s meant to inspire all of you. Put that hair up in your cutest pony and secure your role as the Tanker h/u of the week. Go get him ladies; we’re already proud of you.

Tight and Bright

Texas Live, we’ve got an incredible opportunity on our hands, and its name is Tight and Bright. For me personally, TnB is a new and exciting frontier. I imagine the anticipation I feel is comparable to what Tanker felt during his first male on male experimentation. I’m stimulated, I’m nervous, I’m a little bit scared even… but I’m confident that it’s going to be an incredible experience that I’m not going to regret.

At this point, the few things I know about this team, I like. For example, I had to sacrifice an entire week of 3PM Whole Foods Cookie Bar money to pay for “uniform enhancements/flair”. Like. The team boasts an international roster. Like. There’s a girl whose last name is basically Veggie Burger. Like. What was left of this week’s budget went to the alcohol for the season (see below). Like.

Am I approaching the gates of Heaven? The only thing that I’ve seen so far that hasn’t been dead on is that we are predicted to lose this week. Lose? I mean, seriously, lose? Stephen, might I remind you that TnB were league champions last season? Might I remind you that they’ve obtained some quality recruits? Might I remind you that your first week’s picks absolutely sucked? Do what you need to do, but DON’T expect to have success with misguided selections like this.

Here’s to kicking this league’s ass both in kickball, and in awesomeness. Peace and love, Tight and Bright.

Hannah Montana

Hannah Montana returns to Live kickball for their triumphant return to the minor leagues!


Couldn't hang in Cap?


Wanted to beat up on some "easier" teams?


The reality? We are no longer the dirty sex tape we used to be.  This season alone we lost 9 regulars on the Hannah Montana squad.  With that many new people filling it, it was time to put away the production cameras, and shoot down and dirty, Amateur style.

So while we are thrilled to join the teams in Live, you may need to take it easy on the newbs! With only 2 people left form the original Hannah Montana team, it is hard to tell if we will ever return to our former selves, but for now- who cares! We are going to enjoy the trip and hopefully have a few too many drinks along the way!!!

We will be re-instating our long tradition of "Pre-game Drinking Race" for Home Field advantage.  If you wanna have a boat race with 3 vs. 3, we are in! If you wanna have a shotgun race with 10 vs. 10, we are in!

We missed you Live...


Hannah Montana


I don't normally dwell on the previous week's game for my weekly entry, BUT I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY.

LAST WEEK v. Stride of Pride
I'll give you this, Stride of Pride: you tried your darndest. You gave about as much effort as Tanker does failing to get laid. The only problem is that the actual outcome was the kickball-equivalent of Tanker receiving a sad OTPBJ in a dark alley from a snaggle-toothed prostitute. (We know those weren't tears of joy, Tanker.) But keep your head up, Stride of Pride: you're sure to hit a home run sometime. (Tanker, you might be stuck on first, buddy.)

And Tanker, this is what I meant when I told you that you're the new Dre:

The same weird girl who brought you the Dre of Shame trading card series is proud to announce this exciting new spin on shame: The Shame Tank! Collect 'em all!

THIS WEEK v. Awful Waffles
I really can't talk trash to the Waffles. I mean, why would I? I'm a former Waffle myself, and once a Teenage Mutant Ninja Waffle, always a TMNW, right? Now, I know you don't want to play us (we ain't mad at ya for that), but we have a promise for you: we won't be gentle.

It's nothing personal, Waffles, but when a certain WAKA Regional Manager, who shall remain nameless (RHYMES WITH FUNDY), sends us an email demanding that we, CANDY VAN, purveyors of all things WEIRD and FUN, be fun for this game.... well, ya know, we don't take that lightly.

So Waffles, we'd like you to meet this week's new and improved Candy Van: CV TEAM 6.

In times of war and uncertainty there is a special breed of kickball team ready to answer TX Capital's call.

A common team with uncommon desires forged by adversity, they stand alongside Austin's finest kickballers to serve their league, the American people, and protect their Way of Life.

We are that team!

Our loyalty to Kickball and Team is beyond reproach. We humbly serve as Enablers to our fellow Kickballers, always ready to drink for those who are unable to drink for themselves. We voluntarily accept the inherent hazards of our state of inebriation, placing the welfare and security of others before our own.

We will NEVER Quit!

We persevere and thrive on adversity. TX Capital expects us to be physically harder and mentally stronger than our enemies.

We are NEVER out of the fight!

We demand discipline. We expect innovation. The lives of our Teammates and the success of our mission depend on each one of us, our technical skill, tactical proficiency, and attention to dougie-ing.

We will NOT fail!

 So Awful Waffles, it's simple: don't dress like terrorists if you want to live.


Candy Van

Stride of Pride

Here's a quick recap of Stride of Pride's first glorious game:

We started by explaining the rules to half the team. The bases are run in a counter clockwise direction. The ball has to bounce twice. Etc.

Even the newbies figured out that Val sucks and made fun of her for 48 of the 50 minutes of the game.
We scored a run. It was almost two, but we feel we got robbed by the tyrannical ref, Cameron Jr. (<--- that's you, Jay).

Kate, Zach, Trevor, Leann, Jordan and Eddie played admirably.

But old-timer Mizzy R. stole the show with some amazing catches.

Fireball wuz had.

Still nobody likes playing against Candy Van cause when they're up 10-0 they're still in crush mode.

And this week we have Carrie G. to help continue our dominant reign atop the league.

Does that cover everything? I think so. We'll just continue to walk home carrying our head's up high at 7 a.m. wearing what we wore last night (all leaving from Kate's house) until we see you again.

P.S. Suck it, Teabaggers.

The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers

The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers had a bi-week.

Some of us came out and watched the Rikickulous / PurpleSaurus Rex game. A couple of us ref'ed the game. It's not like we were pulling for anyone, but would like to mention that 5 of their players have played multiple seasons on Dunder in WAKA or ASSC, have played tournaments with Dunderers, or played in the first generation of Thorzday Ballers with a couple of us. It would be pretty fair to say their our favorite non-Dunder team.

These guys are going be good once they get used to WAKA rules. However, since the Rex refuses to bunt, our game against them tonight will feature their first game with WAKA-style bunting, we're still not sure they're going to adjust well out of the gate. They've got a beast of a catcher and a damn good charger, but we're not sure they know what they're in for. We've seen the strong majority of the team and
know what they're capable of. We know who to play in and who to play out for. We know who to avoid kicking towards.

Now, Rikickulous can say the same for most of Dunder as well, but we've got a few new players they've never seen. We've already got the basics down. We've already made all of the adjustments long ago. As long as Dunder manages to knock some rust off early, gel with the new Dunderites and we avoid our every-other-game standard Dunder-inning it's our game to lose.

The Big Leballskis

The Big Leballski's started the year off with a bang!  Even before the eventual 6-1 victory got underway the Interim Captain of the LeBALLski's celebrated the first Rock, Paper, Scissor victory. Thinking it was over; he pumped his first only to be shut down by the Ref when being told it was a best 2 out of 3 game.  The captain for The Bruce is Loose disposed of our captain in the next two R,P,S rounds and took home field advantage.

It was the last loss The Big LeBALLski's would be handed by The Bruce is Loose (side note: inexplicably known as Creme de Caca for this game only). 
The victory was in doubt in the first 3 innings as a series of Fair/Foul rulings went against The Big L's.  Fittingly for our team's namesake, it was an "On The Line" fair call that caused the most consternation.  Our team froze when a ball was called on the line (not knowing that it also meant the ball was fair) and let a run score in the process. We were able to keep our cool, be Dude-like, and were not defeated by the Walter Sobchack-esk "Over the line" call. After the tense inning we were able to discuss the fact that this was not Nam and there are rules...  we are still just learning them, however.

Over the last 2 innings we did not dabble in pacifism and scored 5 unanswered runs to take home the first victory of the year.  We had a great time and really enjoyed our first outing as a team.
Special thanks to the ref for putting up with us and for The Bruce is Loose/Creme de Caca for performing the "infinite loop" congratulatory good game hand slaps, as we hope to make that a tradition.

About half the team was able to make it to the bar for a celebratory White Russian. When our team is at full strength next week we hope to have more than just a few.  Until next week....

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Raging Dinos

Get your popcorn ready. Tonight is the battle royale. Grunska vs. Grunksa: Who ate my mother F-ing sandwich?

Let’s review their stats: Geoff scares small children.

Christopher loves kids.

Geoff = Boring

Christopher = total bad ass

Geoff = Still boring

Christopher = Victorious

There’s really no contest. It’s time for Dino Domination!!! RagING!!! BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNTHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to the GMOT!

Listen up kids: it's business time. If this is your first time perusing this mighty beast we call the Ghost Man on Third (GMOT for short), WELCOME! This is a player-contributed blog meant to serve as an outlet for anything you want in regard to kickball, your team, your costumes, or any general awesomeness you feel like sharing. To make sure our fun is good and clean(ish), we have some guidelines:
  • No hate speech. This means attacking someone on the basis of their gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or anything else along those lines.
  • No nudity. People usually read this blog on Thursday while they're killing time at work wishing they were playing kickball instead. Keep it SFW!
  • No excessively harsh language/cursing. It's ok to drop a bomb here and there, we're all adults, but that also means we don't just call each other names.
Now, why (aside from being awesome/entertaining) would you ever want to contribute to such an amazingly fun blog? MOTHA F'N PERKS!
  • Every team that submits 8 or more GMOTs will receive tickets for a round of shots at the End of Season party.
  • The GMOT Czar will be awarding weekly prizes and accolades at the fields. These awards might include silly hats, high fives, and/or a free drink at the bar.
  • The most creative/awesome GMOT writers will get the privilege of sporting the GMOT LEGEND sash and will also receive a commemorative certificate that will be worthy of hanging in your office or on your parents' fridge.
Sounds BALLER, right? Submit your entries by 10 a.m. every Thursday to waka.gmot@gmail.com. And if there are any other hopes and dreams you hope the GMOT can fulfill, don't hesitate to ask!

The GMOT Czar*

*Oh hey. My name is Valerie and I captain the Capital team Candy Van. I love the GMOT A LOT. Let's love it together. I hope that sounded creepy, because that was my intent.

The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers

The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers are back for more average kickball and above average fun.

First, congratulations to team award winners from last season:
Ben H.  – Male MVP
Alli B.  – Female MVP
Jennifer D.  – Most Improved
David M.  – Play of the Year

Second, out of the over 40 names submitted at our EoS party, The Tyrannical Dunderbaggers won.  Though it did have some serious competition from such names as:  Will Trade Sex for Kickball Registration; Tim Barnhart’s Enormous Dunder Sack; Dundertakers; Enchantment Dunder the Sea and several others.  Team vote is how we determine the name people, no one said democracy was pretty.

Finally, we have some new blood on the team this season … ready to be indoctrinated in the ways of Dunder-dom.
Sandy M.
Kathy G.
Stephanie G.
Robert N.
Mike M.

PurpleSaurus Rex

Fossil records indicate that the PurpleSaurus went extinct in the Spring of 2011, but through a productive partnership with my friends at Ingen, we have developed a technique of cloning the majestic beasts by extracting their DNA from rims of solo cups which have become trapped in amber, and then filling in the holes in the strand with the DNA of world-class athletes. The scientists tell us that the resulting PurpleSaurs are completely controllable and unable to reproduce, but I have my doubts after I got a mysterious voicemail from Jeff Goldblum last night saying only "Nature finds a way."

Already they are beginning to show signs of erratic and unpredictable behavior, I fear the worst. Oh, the hubris! To think that man could play God! What have I unleashed on this world? I can only hope that you all survive the coming season, but I make no promises. Beware the PurpleSaurus, when they finish consuming their Purple Punch they will consume your very livlihoods. BEHOLD THEIR FEARSOME VISAGE!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


New season, same creepy team full of weirdos, same over-zealous GMOT author. After I realized how fun it was last season to spread my photoshoppin' love to Jay to create that Gator Hunter picture, I thought it might be fun to include both Jay AND Dre in my latest vision: a photo montage of the now allies timed to the smooth tunes of Diana Ross & Lionel Ritchie's "Endless Love."

After spending about 40 minutes trolling the WAKA Austin facebook page for pictures of them together, I got bored and realized no one really took photos of them. So instead, I made a photo slideshow of our team, because we're fun and stupid and weird and creepy, and apparently that makes for entertaining photos.

Yeah. I know that face at the 1:32 mark was immediately deposited in your spank bank. 

And I couldn't let Dre joining Relax go unnoticed, so I made this, too:

Candy Van

Relax and Let It Happen

After what seems like our billionth league championship, Relax is back for another season to show you guys how this game should be played. That draft mumbo jumbo would’ve been fun – each Capital team could’ve inherited a small number of Relax players/coaches/trainers/purebred elite athletes. We would’ve donated our time to give some individual, focused attention to each player in this league, making all of you better and improving the overall quality of Capital. But alas, the powers that be wanted to give another team the chance to go be embarrassed by how they don’t even compare to us in Vegas. It’s whatever, we look forward to helping you guys out whenever this draft does happen. Feel free to swing by if you have specific questions this season, I’m sure one of us will take a moment to help you out, for the good of the league.

We’ve got some newcomers that we’re excited about. This chick Jen, who has a volleyball trophy for every time Tanker has not sealed the deal with a hot girl, some dude named Nolan who hails from Poughkeepsie NY (SO DOES SNOOKI), some dude Kye which rhymes with Ty and who happens to be Ty’s friend, some dude named Jeb who is Ryan Logue’s friend and thus, the wildcard, and……. OMG……. AND……. The esteemed Mr. Andre Rodgers. A man full of so much shit that he changed his middle name to Hussein on Facebook just to see who was racist enough to judge. A man who has talked more shit to Relax than any other person out there. A man who himself now exemplifies the sage words, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Well done Dre, we’re already proud of you.

There are a few things I can promise you this season. #1, we’re going to have some laughs and have some fun. You guys are gonna get beat but just put a smile on and have fun with it – you’ll be okay. #2, we will win our billion-and-oneth league championship. And #3, we’re going to shit all over that new “team”, “Strides of Pride”. Goodnight and god bless, everyone. As ONE of our black friends would say (we have two now), smoochies and coochies y’all.