League, please proceed into this week of January 31, 2013 Year of Our Lord with caution and care. Grab a hand when you cross the street. Measure twice, cut once. Don’t put your drink down. And above all things, DON’T get in the Candy Van.
These people are NOT good for you, and now that Cutie McMuscles is off the team, there’s literally no reason to even be tempted by them. You know those guys that want to take your mom out on the town and feed her a steak dinner too? These people want to do that – to your little sister. It’s terrifying and awful and I’m sorry to be the one to say it. But please, HEED THE WARNING. Tom Hallock spins a web of noodle arms, and once you get caught you can never escape. Joey Thomas is NOT the friendly giant on the green beans can. Miss Gleason has been known to dress as Peter Pan, but her tree house full of little boys isn’t on the majestic peninsula of Never Never Land –it’s in a swampy cave on Whore Island.
Because this league reveres Relax so whole-heartedly, we’re going to do our very best to take these monsters down for good. It shouldn’t be hard, but as CV founder Jerry Sandusky would say, bottoms up – anything can happen. Come out and watch as good destroys evil once again. If you end up fraternizing with the members of CV, that’s your prerogative. But in the good name of Relax, be safe, know yourself, and make good choices.