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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dillon Panthers

So I was trying to think of GMOT material for this week, and I thought maybe a post on the history of kickball would be informative material to give the League.  So, like any good law student, I hopped on Wikipedia as the beginning and end of my research.  What I discovered was somewhat disturbing.  Kickball, invented in 1917 by gym coach Nicholas C. Seus (great uncle of the famous children’s book author*) was designed in order to help young people learn the basics of...... baseball.

You read that right.  Kickball, a fun, fast-paced, social, game of champions was invented to facilitate the rise to dominance of America’s most boring and competitively imbalanced sport.  I sort of always assumed it was the other way around.  For those not totally appalled by this revelation, here are a few quick reasons kickball is better than baseball:

1.   Boston Red Sox pitchers (who weren’t even pitching that day!) got criticized for drinking in the clubhouse.  “Field beers” are encouraged in kickball.
2.  Baseball spreads 54 outs over a three hour game.  That’s one play every 3 1/3 minutes. Can you imagine if something only happened in football or basketball every 3 1/3 innings?  People would freak out.  How does baseball get away with this!  The Dillon Panthers would be embarrassed to spend 3 1/3 minutes in the field for an entire inning.
3.  Baseball has jerks like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, John Rocker, and Alex Rodriguez.  The worst it gets in kickball is when somebody gets a little excited and argues a meaningless call or crowds people at the plate while they’re trying to hit.
4.  Baseball made Brad Pitt sad in that movie because it tricked him into not going to Stanford, and then they wouldn’t let his team win in the playoffs.  Kickball would never do that to Brad Pitt.
5.  Every baseball game is 20.2 times less important to your overall season winning percentage ((1/8)/(1/162)).  In fact, you could lose every game for like a month in baseball and still make the playoffs (the Astros exclusively do it this way).
6.  The best evidence that baseball is boring is that baseball movies usually only get made these days when implausible stuff happens to jazz up the plot.  Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Little Big League, Major League, Air Bud Seventh Inning Fetch... all entertaining baseball movies because implausible stuff happens.  Sure there are some exceptions, and they all star Kevin Costner or Dennis Quaid, but the good ones were made decades ago, when people had lower standards for entertainment.
7.  Baseball teams are named after things like non-predatory birds, colored socks, lame regions of the country, or people who came from the same sperm/egg combo.  Kickball team names are constantly updating to the times with clever commentaries on pop culture or puns on baseball terms.

I could go on, but I’m sure I’ve already exceeded the GMOT word count.  Speaking for the Dillon Panthers, which I am of questionable authority to do, I say it’s time to move kickball out of the shadows.  With the NBA lockout never-ending and baseball season (finally) over, it’s time kickball took it’s spot as one of America’s true big three sports.

*Not really.


PurpleSaurus Rex

PurpleSaurus has had a rough season. Byes, weeks off, work conflicts, holidays, and general shenanigans make it feel like we haven't had two consecutive weeks of kickball the entire fall! That changes right ... wait what? No kickball next week for Thanksgiving? Well balls.

Regardless, the violet therapods pulled out a tie against a Capital team with half of their roster away in Tennessee and are back this week to show Pumped up Kicks the true meaning of loss and pain.

We've taken our time off to address our offensive shortcomings, and made a few important changes.

Yeah. Lasers. You're pretty much f***ed.


CANDY VAN does it for the kids!!

CANDY VAN: Charity Style

When Candy Van does charity jello shots sales, we do it in the only way we know how: weird. So bring your dolla bills, because Captain VAG is not afraid to bully you into buying jello shots. I mean, it's for the kids! Who doesn't love kids? AMIRIGHT?

This week's jello shot buffet includes:
Cherry Watermelon
Pineapple Orange (with a hint of Cherry because we ran out of pineapple vodka)
Strawberry Pineapple Banana
Cherry Lime

Happy drinking!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Awful Waffles

Another big win for the waffles last week...9-2 over sit on my base.  They're a good team with a really funny catcher with a phenomenal mustache.  You should check them out if you can.  It was a return to form though for us...giving up two runs and scoring a bunch of runs.  And our pitcher struck out a dude.  Swinging.  Might have broke his ankle, it was hard to tell, since it was getting dark.  
What's really fun about this week is that, for the first time this year, we have a game during the theme week.  We had byes during saved by the bell and Halloween and that sucked.  So we all have cowboys and Indians costumes of some sort, and they should be epic.  See ya there.  Oh yeah, and we play another good team this week.  But it should be more of the same for us.

with great tenderness,
awful waffles

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Did you know that EVERY week at Third Base we give out 2 pitchers of beer?!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! Show up this week to win the bar game and win your team 2 pitchers of beer!


Awful Waffles

So maybe we lost last week. Kick in a Box played well and we didn't score our usual 200 runs. It happens.  But no hassles... even though we far outmatched them on paper, that's why you play the game.  And honestly, I could see us getting a bit cocky out there. But after a week of soul searching we're back and ready to go stopwatches in hand!

awful waffles

Relax and Let it Happen

Last week we played the Teabaggers and for the first time in like a year they gave us a good game. Looks like all the times you spy on us and come watch our game has finally paid off. It ended in a 0-0 tie that went into extras and it was a fun game to play in. We couldn't bunt for shit off Justin who finally decided to be relevant in a kickball game by pitching the game of his life. Would he be able to do that on a field that had grass and doesn't go downhill? I don't think so, but that's for another day. It was an old fashion pitcher's duel with good pitching and even better defense to back it up. Barrett played as well as we've seen him play, his catching was absolutely impressive. Well done Teabaggers, well done!

Shout out to Andy for playing his first game. May your career be both fruitful and victorious.

This week we play BCBC and OMG did they get they get screwed for having to play us after a game that we didn't score any runs. I won't be there but I'll be sending some long distance "black up" from Minnesota. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Candy VAN

These are the things that happened last week in our game: 
1. We stopped paying attention a few times and let 3 runs in. 
2. Our offense finally woke up and we put 9 or 10 runs on the board (We stopped counting). 
3. Dre got pissed off. 
4. Dre lost to a team captained by a girl, a feat he claimed would never happen. 
5. Dre earned the new nickname Captain Shambles. 
6. Tom and Valerie squatted and lunged at and around anyone who stood still long enough to allow it. (You're welcome, Alex!) 
7. Jay let his man crush on Tom show. 
8. Dre continued to be pissed off. 

This week we're playing Brown Chicken Brown Cow. We'll be themed out to the MAX and drinking more than we should for a team in Capital at a 6:15 game. So, you know, normal behavior for us. 

Pray tell, dear CV GMOT Author. what is this theme of which you speak? 
Oh, well, it's the best theme ever, of course: Drunk Injured Valerie. That's right: Candy Van will be honoring (is that the right word?) their captain by wearing bandages, braces, and a trucker hat and mumbling and stumbling around the fields/bars/life. Look for such classics as "Creepy humping motion and accompanying face" and "She can't make eye contact... is she okay?" Valerie has even promised to sport a cape just like old times. Who says you can't black out for a 6:15 game?

Relax and Let it Happen

Well as promised here is the picture of the winning pumpkins:

The one on the left is obviously your typical house design, executed nicely. Great carving ability but the creativity of having the template included in the box just doesn't do it for me. The one on the right is a personal favorite and obviously more creative. It is the seal of the mighty New Mexico Lobos. Some might argue that if you have to explain what it is, it's kind of like that halloween costume that only one person (the one wearing it) thought was awesome and to you, I say (in the most polite way possible) "Fuck You". Others might be saying "New Mexico Lobos? Aren't they the worst team in football right now?" well the answer to that would still be "Fuck You." buuuuuut you may have a point. Feel free to vote on your favorite pumpkin, as long as it's for the Lobo, otherwise shut your stupid face and keep your opinion to yourself.

Back to kickball this week, we play the Teabaggers. Should be a good Capital match up but in the end I think we know who will come out on top.


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Hoeloween/Halloweek/Creepoween/Hallowheezy aka Best Holiday Ever

Last week, Halloweek, was a blast..I saw Snoop Dogg on top of all the holiday festivities. Epic! It was such a blast that yesterday, on the actual day, I went to sleep at 8 p.m. no joke. After 4 different costumes and 5 Halloween parties, I was officially exhausted. I saw so many great costumes last Thursday at kickball. Great job guys! Here are a few of my favorites:  

Kyle and Kyle
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle
I see you, shakin' that ass

Candyvan does the best creepy

Sour Patch Kids

So yeah, we are a bunch of weirdos and I love it. Things got a little out of hand at Ego's on Thursday. However, JB and I were totally on our guard and came up with the best roofie protection tower. It was complicated and obvious if you tried to touch it and remove the cups. I like to think of it as the roofie protection boobie trap. That's effing team work right there! The one below is also a contribution made by JB at our mid season party. He is really on his 'don't get roofied' game. Props dude...

Do not get near our drinks!

So excited to see yall Thursday. I can't believe it's November already. I forgot my interns birthday at work today...oops. But November seriously snuck up on us! Have a great day and see you Thursday for beautiful weather and great times at the field and third base. Pres out.

MM: 11-1-11