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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Better Red than Blue Balls

Well, that was fast. Only three weeks into our first-ever season, and
with our first GMOT submission, we managed to get the word "rape" and
all references to the act banned from the Austin WAKA blog. Talk about
making waves. Nice, consensual waves. Definitely no funny business.

Possibly our greatest accomplishment thus far, however, is becoming
rivals to the self-admitted villains of the league, Relax and Let it

If Relax are the villains of the league, that must make us… The
Batman. And as long as we don’t leave any Ambien lying around, it
should hopefully make a very lively rivalry. (Too soon?) But only on
the field, at Third Base, we'll be the Gyllenhaal to their Ledger.

And while we may be rocking a goose egg in the wins column, it hasn’t
been for lack of effort… or defense. Offense? Yeah, not so good. One
run in the last game (in an 8-person overtime, no-less) and multiple
stranded runners left on base? We might have a scoring problem.

Hopefully we’ll be able to take some of our frustration out on the
not-even-mentioned-in-the-power-polls Sons of Pitches this week. If
not, we might have to change up our current, grueling, routine of
chugging beers and taking Jell-O shots.

Varsity Brews

 Varsity Brews is officially on a winning streak.  I finally know what Charlie Sheen was talking about with all of his 'winning' ramblings.  And dang does it feel good.  MVP definitely goes to Andre the Giant for not one, but two home runs.  I'm pretty sure he finally manned up and kicked those so that his lady, the lovely Miss Gena, could finally make it to home base.  Insert winking face here. Congratulations Gena on finally going all the way home. Isn't home base a lot more fun than that above-the-belt second base nonsense?  I know Andre enjoyed making it to home base.  I've never seen the man so happy. 
We pulled ahead in the first few innings by quite a bit courtesy of those two home runs, and some other players aggressive base running, but again in our ecstasy at almost being on a winning streak, we faltered in the fifth inning.  Pitches B Trippin staged a rally and scored a few runs on us.  However, Raul "El Suave" caught a deep center kick to end the fifth inning and cement our winning streak.  
Most importantly, I want to invite everyone in the WAKA world to a Wakalicious Bachelor/Bachelorette party that we will be holding next week (July 7th) on field 2 at 6:15.  I know the 6:15 game kind of blows, but come early anyway, come decorated with as much penis/boob decorations as you can round up, and help us send Chris and Ricara off to married life in true Waka fashion. This will be their last kickball game as single people. I'm not saying anyone out there should come on over and strip for them, but I am saying dollar bills may be present.  And of course the bachelor/bachelorette festivities will be moved to the bar with us afterwards.  Off in Left Field, I apologize ahead of time for the copious amounts of shenanigans you will be dealing with that evening.

Grupo Dangeroso

Grupo Dangeroso enjoyed dressing up for wrestlemania so much, that we decided to make every week a dress up week.  Last week was 70’s week and we have several more to come.  Even though our kickball skills may not be the best, our team spirit and camaraderie surpasses our competitors! 
This week is our bi-week but we are still meeting for a game and would love for any of the other teams who also have a bi-week to play us!  We will still dress up and head to thirdbase after our practice game to show off our mad dancing skills!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Team Easy!

I might just be speaking for myself, but it’s been a hazy week of debauchery for Team Easy.  With no kickball game to get in our way last week, we sprinted directly to Third Base for the banana game ... only to be severely disappointed to learn it wasn’t the game we originally had in mind.  After this bait-and-switch trickery, we reverted to what we knew best and set out on a pickle shot rampage down west 6th.  I’m pretty sure Lundy won a “best ass” contest and then there was a tranny show at the next bar.  Couldn’t say for sure since there was no picasa album of shame posted the next morning to remind us of all the good bad decisions we made.

Fast forward to Saturday night’s party where we made Thursday look calm.  I didn’t get back from the river in time to hit third base but from the looks of my teammates at Kung Fu, I’d guess they drank about as much as I did all day but in a 90-minute period.  We drank, we danced, J-rider almost died as I ran around the bar with her on my shoulders, and then there was an epic break-dance fight where I got totally served by some chick that I’m pretty sure was also a ninja.  The night culminated in run a 3am group sprint through the sprinklers of a city park on the way home and we declared the night a vivid success.

We’re looking forward to this week as we break out some tunes and probably die of heatstroke in our 6:15 game.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

RELAX and Let it Happen

Well our normal gmot wiz is on a 3-week hiatus to California, so we are switching it up this week. Last week we took the field against Thorz Day Ballers and we won. We won the game 23-2 and we were not pleased. How could anyone not be happy winning by 21 you ask? Well it's because our Captain Douche pitcher walked the same guy twice and he ended up scoring both times. Also add the fact that Power Douche aka Joey made an error that allowed the second run to score and only got on base once and this was a dismal game for the two Relax douches. Our girls were our only bright spot, for the third week in a row kicking some great kicks and allowing our offense to run like a finely tuned machine. I'm just going to come right out and say it, we won't lose, and we won't be close to losing all year. As always ThorzDay it was a pleasure to compete against you both on the field and during flip cup.

Relax has a bye week the next two weeks, so we have decided to offer Relax Kickball Camp. You and/or your team may attend this camp for a price of only $35/player for Capital or $55/player for Live (time is money) Relax will tutor you to greatness. This is the offer of a lifetime! We will work on everything from kickball skills to how to properly get your abrasive, rude, and arrogant behavior on (please see Red Balls). If you feel shy about commenting that your interested feel free to email our captain at captaindouche@dbag.net. The camp instructors will include both douches mentioned above, Papi (he'll cover strategy not execution), Hutchelotta (specifically for UKP on how to pull off the Adonis jersey), Sarah N (How to keep your team douche in check), Shannon (how to catch better than most guy OFs in this league), Dave (yoga and other weird hippy tactics), and JG (proper GMOT etiquette). This is a one-time offer trying to make you and your team great, don't miss this opportunity!!!!!



The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Austin seventeen that day;
The score stood one to one, with one inning more to play,
And then when Kaitlyn singled to third and Jeff did the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon the drunkards at the game.

A straggling few got up to go get more beer from their multifarious ice chests,
The rest clung to hope that the really drunk chick would show her breasts;
They thought, "If only Knox could but get a kick at that --
Maybe we won't tie for the third fucking game in a row, with Knox at the bat.

Then from twenty some-odd throats and more there rose a drunken yell;
Everyone still remembering the time Bradley Slater fell;
It pounded on the taco truck and recoiled upon the flat,
For Knox, mighty Knox, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in Knox's manner as he stepped into his place;
There was beer in Knox's hand and a smile lit Knox's face.
And when, responding to the cheers, he lightly doffed his hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas Knox at the bat.

More than fifty beer cans sat empty, tossed into the back of his Ford.
Some spectator kept complaining to the ref, clutching purse and clipboard.
Then while the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hip,
Defiance flashed in Knox's eye, a sneer curled Knox's lip.

And now the rubber sphere came hurtling through the muggy air,
And Knox stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there.
Close by the sturdy kicker the ball unheeded sped -
"That pitch ain't shit," said Knox. "Ball one!" the umpire said.

The sneer has fled from Knox's lip, the teeth are clenched in hate;
He lined up facing right field, back and to the left of the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he gives it a flick
And now the air is shattered by the force of Knox's kick.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The iPod is playing somewhere, and somewhere the Miller is Lite,
And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout;

And by the time the game was over, the Kickits had their four to one win;
Everyone in new dark green shirts displayed a winner’s grin.
Heading to Third Base for the night, the drink specials they would reap,
For they just showed their fallen foes that day how they always go BALLS DEEP!

Walk of Shame

Where did we leave off? Ah, yes. Another week, another Live team maimed beyond recognition. The offense was once again clicking in only 4 innings of play with big hits by...well, everyone. This new lineup looks sharp, doesn't it? And despite the fact that we are PISSED we got scored on at all, at least it was only once unlike a certain other team to remain nameless...though if I had to give a hint at their name it would be: calmcalmdown, collect oneself, compose oneself, cool off, ease off, feel at home, hang loose, knock off, laze, letoneself go, lie down, loosen up, make oneself at home, put one's feet up, recline, reposerestsettle back,simmer down, sit around, sit back, softenstop work, take a break, take a breather, take it easy, take one'stime, take ten, take time out, tranquilize, unbend, unlax, unwind.
Anyways, we're told by a little bird at Ego's that this week we're apparently facing our immediate demise by a team that HAS TO and WILL beat us. We'll find out this week, but we're just glad we're in your heads enough for you to be worried about us 5 days in advance while getting drunk to Party in the USA at Ego's. Is there a game plan for this beat down or just going to improvise by blasting that infernal song over and over until we run off the field to protect our ears from permanent damage?

Enough of the trash talk though, we're just going to go out there and give it 110% and try our best. We've got our backs against the wall. Hannah's home field of Gillis is a tough place to play and the intangibles will be the key to the game. Both teams are playing on a high level and we'll just try and take what the defense gives us.
We've got the league's best offense against the league's best defense -- something's got to give. There's been a lot of trash talking and there's no love lost between these two teams. When these two teams get together you can throw out their records. It’s gonna be a war out there.We'll leave everything we've got on the field and stick to the fundamentals. Another sports cliche or 2.

This is the start of a critical four-game stretch for the squad with Hannah, Teabaggers, Relax and Candy Van, so I guess we'll be seeing what this team is all about soon. 

Until then,

P.S.: I'd like to publicly point out that Andre has now beat Vegas' odds and has gone OVER 2 1/2 games without yelling at one of his teammates. All of you who took the UNDER, pay up. Congrats to our fearless leader for accomplishing this momentous feat. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Better Red than Blue Balls

It’s only fitting that a team made up of privileged Town Lake kids, still living at home and sucking on daddy’s trust fund teat, named their team after a rape euphemism. We hope that your team captain is qualified to comprehend the bigger words in this post thanks to the remedial ACC English course he is taking for the third time. We’ll try to keep it simple, just in case.

Ladies (and very likely, gentlemen), when facing Relax, it is better to just lay there and "let it happen," than it is to fight back. Because then you'll probably get backhanded. After a flurry of short, systematic "bunts" (remember, you are to lay there like a dead fish as they jackhammer away), it'll all be over.

Afterwards, they'll smack you on the ass and tell you "good game" and "I'm totally not gay, bro." So long as you keep your mouth shut, this should be your only encounter with Relax until the playoffs: where the games mean more and the Rohypnol is stronger.

In regards to the bitch kicks, all we're saying is that chicks dig the long ball. But small ball is cool too. We understand; your feelings are perfectly natural. That shit totally occurs in nature. And I'm pretty sure it's legal in Nevada, which probably explains why you guys want to get to Las Vegas so badly.

Credit given where credit’s due, you guys had a game-plan, executed very well, played error-free kickball and steamrolled (some may even say … raped) us with ease.

We may be 0-2, but the scheduling hasn’t done us any favors, having played two solid Capital teams in Relax and Waffles. We’re definitely looking forward to playing Live teams the next couple games to break in our fifteen players new to WAKA.

To the other teams, every team we play from this point forward will get to enjoy the five innings of bliss that is spending time with genuinely nice people. We will share in many things like dangerous amounts of alcohol consumption, laughter, sportsmanship and other joys of the consensual sort. We look forward to the pleasure.

Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors -or- (The Artists Formerly Known as Untitled Kickball Project)

It's been two weeks since I last played kickball, and the Bachelors still have another interminable week left to endure before our 2 consecutive bye week banishment is ended.  Due to the hiatus we have a complete lack of kickball related news to share, except for this tidbit:  we have not won a game, have scored no runs whatsoever and haven't even been on the field in two weeks, and yet Jay's power polls have us at #5.  How is this possible?  One word: gravitas.  You can't look upon a collection of athletes as skilled and talented as the Bachelors without being awed to silence.

In scheduling our two byes at the beginning of the season nothing has been accomplished but a delay of the inevitable.  We are not withering, we are not getting rusty.  Like Edmond Dantes in the Chateu d'If we've spent our weeks in the prison of no-kickball educating ourselves on every nuance of the game, honing our skills to inhuman levels.  Our return is imminent.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Varsity Brews

Last week’s (6/16) game was a great one for Varsity Brews. We started off the game convinced we couldn’t lose on the sole basis that 0-2 just didn’t sound good. So, in the spirit of not being ‘those guys’ with a losing streak, everyone on the team definitely stepped it up. To be honest, I have no idea what the final score was, but I do know we won and I do know we had a damn good time doing it.  We pulled pretty far ahead in the first few innings.  Plan B made a valiant rally effort in the fifth inning and scored a few runs on us, but we were able to hold our lead and bring in our first win of the season and our first win under the new team name.
 We were able to pull through with such a great win because of some amazing plays by a lot of our players.  Gena “Don’t Call Me Vagina” Gentile made a bad ass catch at third.  Who says girls can’t catch?  Sam “The Hoss” Hossa made two phenomenal catches in the game.  One was a catch and roll in which he miraculously was able to hold onto the ball as he went crashing into the dirt.  And then in an even greater display of kickball heroism, he managed to pull off a Willie Mays, on-the-run over-the-shoulder catch. How did he not make Sports Center? Andre “The Giant” Fuqua stepped off his normal first base role for a few innings to try his hand at pitching.  Looks like we have a good back-up for when Raul “El Capitan” Rodriguez wants to take a break from pitching (I’ve heard him grumbling recently that he has to put down his beer too much as the pitcher.  He has a valid point.  Beer in hand is more fun than beer on the ground).  Jen “Looks Like New Girlz Got Some Skillz” Diacont made a deep right, almost out of bounds, grabbed with her finger tips catch.  And our last shout out goes to Mike “El Burro (AKA Ass)” Lusto for kicking a triple, which allowed two runners to score.  And Ricara "Soon To Be Zahner" Pearson, well girl, you got on base.  Good job.  You could have made it to second, but you were so very happy with your safe at first that you stuck to your guns and stuck like glue to the base. Next time though, if I'm base coaching you and tell you to take second and you don't...well, I'll probably pick you up, throw you over my shoulder, and take you there myself, kickball rules be damnded.  I'm little, but so are you.  Don't think I won't do it. You've been warned.
 Between the cohesion the old team members bring and the fresh talent of the new guys, Varsity Brews is looking forward to a great season.  We may not have won too much last season, but if I were placing bets on this, then, well, I had better actually pay attention to scores because I’m pretty sure you need scores to determine who wins bets. Oh, and also I would bet on us.  Because we’re awesome.
A special shout out to the opponent, Plan B.  I don’t think in my four seasons of Waka Kickball I have met a nicer team.  They were the first to congratulate anyone on a good play.  Cheers to you guys and great sportsmanship. Maybe ya’ll (with your fifth inning rally) could give some pointers to LeBron James about not “skipping” the last inning. Good game my friends, good game.

Team Easy!

In only 2 weeks we’ve accomplished so much, and I couldn’t be more proud of our flock of floosies.  In my first email to Team Easy, I welcomed everyone to the team that would forever be known as *that* team of the summer.  They sure did take that to heart and earned the cherished “Weiner of the Week” award the first week without me even around to help out.  So proud.  Then week 2 I show up to a 22-person team, 15 designated drunk fans (or DDs if you will), and pink panty-dropping punch that was apparently fermented overnight in god-knows-what.  Add in most of Candy Van hanging around and we had a full-on dance party out there.  

By the time we got to Third Base, there was light-pole dancing, bull-fighting, and what appeared to be a fully-clothed beaver munching.  I know this only because there was an album of not-going-on-facebook pictures that went out the next morning.  You know those type of pictures.  The type of internet gold that usually ends up on the “resident president” page calling you out for making out with the random at Egos.  And I’ll have you know Manda that I justified my matador/grease/white-trash/'wrestling' outfit by the fact that I did indeed wrestle a woman in the fountain of my apartment at 3am that night (no, it wasn’t the Egos random).  But I digress.  

The point is, I think in only 2 weeks we’ve made one hell of a dent in our livers and have no plans on slowing down.  We have a bi this week so we’ll all be switch hitting at Third Base without that pesky game of kickball getting in the way of our drinking.  Enjoy your one week of peace on the fields because we’re doubling down next week!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Where My Pitches At?

First game of the season is over and done with and we are once again having a bye week. (AWESOME) That’s right, not everyone can be cool kids like us…. Big props go out to Tim for donating yet another flip cup table to the cause! I have a feeling that table #3 will last longer than the others, just as long as no one sits on it. If you don’t bring a chair, don’t sit on others peoples stuff! On to the game, we have some new talent playing this season, and I must say we did pretty well! We lost but hey, all winners lose once in awhile. I am proud to announce that we Pitches officially have a mascot, that’s right, a 138 lbs walking around sporting a WAKA t-shirt. What, what??

RELAX and Let it Happen

Last week we played "Better Red Than Blue Balls" and we whooped them just like everyone else. Nothing is new there. What is new is that for the first time in awhile, we faced a team that didn't fully appreciate our greatness. They don't call the trophy the RELAX CUP for nothing, guys. As they sat there getting their ass whooped, they made fun of our bunts, calling them "bitch kicks". We beat ya'll 10-0! You didn't get a person past 2nd base! If anyone was playing like a bitch, it was ya'll. If you want to continue to kick it as hard as you can each time and pop out to people, be our guests. Or just go to the other league. 

They also said we were too serious as if that's the only reason we dominated them. We dominated you because we are better athletes, understand basic strategy (bitch kicks), and are natural born winners. Go back to ASSC and play with a beach ball. This league is social AND competitive. We could also drink all of ya'll under the table, some come holler at us at 3rd base. 

What's sad is that you guys could be good. Let's call a truce. Do what the Teabaggers used to do and come watch our games. Take notes and learn how to play this game beautifully. Winning is fun. We know you haven't had a taste of it yet, but when it happens, it will be wonderful. 

Next week we play Thorzday Ballers. Hopefully we can keep our streak of not letting anyone score on us. Come watch and take notes, until then Relax and Let it Happen. 

Walk of Shame

SLOPPY, SLOPPY, SLOPPY. With a new defensive alignment, the Walks slipped up a bit, but as always, remained victorious. Huge hits by Bruce and Jorge brought home the winning runs, despite a valiant challenge from whatever Live team that was trying to threaten the crown. Also serious question to the dude that kicked it to the other field, HOW DID YOU NOT GET A HOME RUN FROM THAT??? I mean...really? Just goes to show that even with your "A" game and our "D" game, we still cannot be defeated (got that Luis?). 

This week, another Live team, another W. Same old story. This one will likely be a shutout though. Don't get excited by the fact we got scored on last week, it won't be a recurring theme. 

Anyways, we'll keep this short and let our undefeated record do the talking. 

Until then,


The Jiminy Kickits have decided to be progressive. We understand that when you pit a pair of combatants against each other, the popular outcome is to have a winner and a loser. Because of our advanced knowledge of human feelings, we have decided that having both a winner and a loser would be offensive to at least one person on either team. Tapping into the trends of our current society, we have concluded among ourselves that we do not wish to offend anyone due to the problems that come with the aforementioned offending. Our new stance on kickball is that neither team shall be labeled a "winner" or "loser", so we are advocating playing each contest to a tie. Which is why we are undefeated through two contests, and stand neutrally at 0-0-2 in the standings. 

One the other hand, we have taken a team vote and decided to offend our fellow teammate, Bradley Slater. Bradley Slater is the victim of one of the worst at-bats in the two game history of the Jiminy Kickits 2011 Summer TX Live season. Our own former high school varsity bench sitter brought his extensive knowledge of watching batters from the dugout to the plate, and proceeded to combine the rare "swing and a miss" with an attempt to slide into first base that came a Valerie Powell short of reaching the base safely. Not only did the opponent make the force out at first, but also tagged Mr. Slater at the behest of his own team, stripping him of the remaining dignity that clutched to his very soul. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Grupo Dangeroso


So we didn’t get to see the later games, however during the early games we were the only team that dressed up.  Where was everyone else’s team spirit?  We went all out for wrestlemania and can’t wait to show our team spirit again!  I hope to see some amazing photos from the later games that we missed because we were partying hard at Third Base!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Hannah Montana

Surprise, surprise - Hannah is back for its eighth millionth season. We kicked it off with a 5-0 blow out the first week against (I believe) the same team we lost to last year in the playoffs, but.... let's be real... Hannah doesn't win playoff games - we only win when it doesn't count. Or in last week's case tie 1-1, which could have been a direct result of Morgan's miracle juice that had our entire teamed fucked up. Thanks Morgan. Awesome.

And a huge welcome to the new ladies on the team. Hannah officially has more chicks than dicks. But with a team name that reflects a slutty ho bag, it all makes sense. And, oh yea .. welcome, Kevin - the only new dude. Did you know you ordered a small shirt? Ohh.. that was intentional. Got it.


Thursday, June 16, 2011


Untitled Kickball Project's swan song ended up being more like some 1 AM caterwauling at Ego's than the haunting and beautiful elegy I had imagined it would be.  Despite sending our evil double agent ex-player to distract the Walk's star pitcher with her womanly charms, we were wholly unable to kick on him.  As they pointed out in their write up we placed a grand total of 1 runner on base, and that was on an error (On a related note if anyone needs juggling lessons, Dre is the guy to talk to).  Defensively things are looking a lot brighter.  WOS came up with two earned runs and then snagged an extra two on a misjudged fly in the outfield that turned into a triple. Blame the week 1 jitters for the imperfect play, but its a far cry from the 11-1 thrashing we got handed the last time we played them.  Todd is giving us speed at the plate, Nate is reliable as ever on the mound, and our new recruits on the corners showed they had the cannon and the hands to keep their spots.  Two weeks of bye-week practices should shore up our short game, and we'll be back on track for a 7-1 season.

On to more important things. After days of rhetoric and passionate debate, UKP has finally selected a new name.  Henceforth, Untitled Kickball Project will be known as Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors (or simply the Bachelors for expediency's sake).  I should issue the brief disclaimer that Nate Fox was strongly opposed to this, but he should of thought of that before he agreed to be featured in an article for the August issue of Austin Monthly titled "Austin's Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors".  That's right, we're talking full page photo spreads of lovable roguish Nate-charm coming to a print publication near you. Ladies, the line is already around the block but if you take a number I'm sure he can fit you in soon.  Feel free to post below with your affections.

The Bachelors are off for the next two weeks for bachelor-related activities in Belize, but we will return June 30 with Adonis-like tans (the real Adonis, not some douchey 1st baseman with a jersey) and sculpted bodies ready to partake in that which is best in life: To crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and to hear the lamentation of the women.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Play in the 2011 Kickball Games in Las Vegas!

There are a number of very good reasons we're hosting The Kickball Games 2011 in Las Vegas during Founders Cup Weekend, and why those already signed up to attend are so thrilled and enthusiastic about it. But let’s get right to the most important reason. The Kickball Games are all about, the fun and social side of the WAKA kickball experience! 
The best part is, any 2011 WAKA players are welcome to form a team - you do not have to bring an existing team roster. That means, teams can be made up of players from the same league or you can form a team with your friends who play WAKA Kickball around the country. 
Team spots in The Kickball Games are filling up fast and we are expecting a rush for the remaining spots in August after Founders Cup invitations are sent out. Sign up soon so you don't miss out! 
Full event details and a team application are available here: http://www.kickball.com/tournament/kickballgames


Faceballs 3:16 says we just whooped your ass, if you smell what the Zuck is cooking. So except us to bodyslam the competition, and hurricanrana some balls.

This one is for you and your Jeep, Macho Man.

Where My Pitches At?

As the team gets pumped for the new season to start, our fearless leader, (nameless) decided that we needed a bye the first week so that she could attend Bonnaroo.  That’s right “you know who” getting called out on the first GMOT!  Needless to say, we are beyond ready to play and look forward to an exciting season ahead.  Oh and how could I forget…. How is it that we got called out for being “fighters”?  Last time I checked, we were lovers….!  Ok, who am I kidding, on to business; we got a great line up this season and more girls on our roster. That’s right, no forfeiting due to the lack of females…  Hope everyone is ready for us this season, if not you might get pitch slapped!!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


What started out as pregame introductions between a group of enthused locals and the free agents that littered the roster turned into a coordinated effort of ball-cupping and striking that guided the Jiminy Kickits (Jim, for short) into undefeatedness, clinching a 3-3 tie with the oft-mustachioed opponent. Fighting off vagrant squatters, and a tight strike zone, the marauders from the west side and parts unknown stared defeat in the face before shaking hands and agreeing to terms of a draw. 

Solid defense, and a 3-run, 2-out rally, were the keys to the middle of the road. Leaving the fields in neither the guise of defeat or the glory of victory left the spirits of all involved mildly elevated, yet not too elevated that a few couldn't head to Third Base to feign enthusiasm for the NBA Finals. 

This team, this ragtag amalgamation of left-handed nose tackles, former high school bench warmers, pink-haired cheerleaders, eagle scouts, people who previously tore their ACL playing kickball, and even that greatest of athletic knowledge and superiorness: the professional sportswriter, combined to form an effort that has been seen many times before. All in all, it was okay, I guess.

-Will Knox


This Thursday, 6/16 is WRESTLEMANIA!!! Wear your best white trash outfit, your spandex wrestling uniform, or your ring girl costume and let's Wrestlemania up Gillis Park!!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Grupo Dangeroso

Ode’ To The Fallen Coconut

Oh coconut my coconut, so hairy is thee
You rest on the crotch between my partner and me

We wiggle and squirm till you reach our lips
But why oh why, won’t you get off our hips

The boys, they all shout and scream something obscene
But they don’t get our connection, they can be so mean

We are having so much fun, laughing and such
Now the boys want to play but they don’t know much

The sexual innuendos ensue as they both start to move
But our bond is strong, so to them we will prove

We are the best of them all, but they don’t know so
We will show them!  We are Grupo Dangeroso!

Other teams played the game but their skills have some rust
They got to rough with the nut, dropped it and made it bust

Ode to you my fallen comrade, we will miss you dear. Now on to the next, and bring me some beer!

Pitches B Trippin'

Pitches B Trippin is back for their sophomore season... we decided to keep our name in order to build brand awareness for ourselves. Luckily, we got the black jerseys this year. we look extra mean now, and we're serious about losing.

After a much maligned regular season, Pitches B Trippin really stepped it up at the end of the year, winning our first play off game before losing on saturday to the eventual champs. hey, that's a victory for us.

We can't really complain about the first game of the season. we have some new people so our chemistry wasn't exactly there, but there were plenty of great plays made by everyone. luckily it appears that everyone on our team is cool. we came out swinging... scoring several runs in the first couple innings, only to have another signature meltdown at the end of the game. some dude on the purple team can kick it really, REALLY far. he pretty much won the game single handedly for their team. Going into the bottom of the 5th, we were up 6-5, and we ended up losing 7-6 :( oh well. we had fun, drank a lot, made friends, and partied obnoxiously as usual.

as for next week, we have a bye, meaning we will probably show up, drink in the outfield, yell, scream, stumble, kick our balls around, and interrupt a couple games. maybe we'll even show up to third base and beat y'all at drinking games.



RELAX and Let it Happen

Relax and Let it Happen

Last season recap:  Total Domination. We proved that us not winning the season before was a complete fluke. We rampaged through the season and post season and then kind of had a cake walk in the final against the Teabaggers. They're a fun group, but not on our level. 

What's scary about the total domination thing is that believe it or not, we've managed to improve our team. We added two girls who are better than most team's guys. It's kind of ridiculous to improve upon something that's already so lethal...

It's like cloning Dirk 4 times and playing an all Dirk starting 5.
It's like if bears could fly. 
It's like if Stevie Wonder could see. 
It's like if Michael Phelps had gills. 

Last Thursday we played Suck My Kick and we demolished them with our new squad. Our girls played beautifully, defense was stellar, and Jay almost made a poor guy fall on one of his pitches. We beat them 12-0 and they're one of the better teams. It should've been 22 but we wanted to watch the game at 3rd base. 


I swear to God I felt a girl's foot break under the weight of my machine-like legs as I made my way around the bases. So please, protect your feet and step off the bag is when no one is coming. It'll save your feet. 

Next week we play...it doesn't matter and we'll beat em' by a bunch. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen... 

Wiener of the Week

Well after taking a season off, there was an entire team that has basically forced me to bring back the Wiener Award. For those of you who don’t know, this award is reserved for the player(s) on the other team or your team who redefines the word “power-douche”. Whether it’s a girl getting too drunk or a dude who is just way too pro’ed out. So without further adieu the winner of the Wiener of the Week award is…The entire TEAM EASY squad! This team rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. After taking about 10 minutes to take the field we look up and they’ve got 13 players on the field. I don’t ask for much in knowledge of the rules but at least know how many players are supposed to be out there! Some of you may be reading this saying “well we kinda did that in our first inning too”, notice I didn’t specify an inning because it was EVERY inning. The next thing that rubbed me wrong was the multiple shoeless wonders on the squad, come on hippies this isn’t Woodstock, we wear shoes in this game! Wear shoes or don’t but until you do I’ll be praying someone stomps on your toes. To wrap this up, you guys looked like you were having fun, and hey I’m all for that, but lets respect the fact that the other team would probably like to play 5 innings and get your ass on the field with ELEVEN players. Do everyone a favor and please come next week actually prepared to play a game!

I can’t be everywhere at once so if you see someone actin’ a fool (hitting girls hard with the ball, being too drunk at the bar, screaming at an official/the other team, or if someone just flat out rubs you the wrong way) please email me the story with a name to jr0780@hotmail.com

“The Mug”

Friday, June 10, 2011

Field Locations

I had tons of people ask which field was which so I figured I'd post this field map that Mike created yesterday.  Hopefully this helps!!   


Walk of Shame

Is Walk of Shame back and stronger than ever? Was that Relax and Teabaggers we heard shaking in their little boots last night? Appears so.

UKP (maybe the name change will help?) predicted something was going down last week, and it did...a near perfect game. Slob's first inning run was all that was needed to seal the victory, but Jorge's 2-run triple capped off the W. Even Dre got in on the act with his first career RPS win in 3,482 tries, but then quickly reverted to old form with a first inning error that allowed the one and only UKP baserunner all game (and later threw up after chugging a beer). Shame.

With the new additions to the squad (Welcome to the team Casey, Rich, Sean and Matt), does it even matter who the competition is Week 2? Can they get on base? Can anyone? 

Apologies in advance to Live for being innocent bystanders in the Walks rampage, but this team has something to prove.

Vegas titles on our minds,
Walk of Shame

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Untitled Kickball Project

First, UKP is in deliberations now to produce a new team name.  Consistency has it's merits, but those arguments don't hold water when we're a 2nd round exit every season, and there have been grumblings for a change.  Look for a new moniker in week 2 but until then, UKP it is.

The Project has finally begun to utilize the farm system it's had in place since it's inception, as the first group of recently graduated UT rowers have joined our ranks.  One might say, "Hey Stephen, aren't rowers notoriously bad at ball sports?" to which I would respond "Eat my butt."  We strive to disprove negative stereotypes here at UKP and I'm disappointed in your bigoted views, hypothetical heckler.  We're programmed for winning, and that's what's important.  How many NCAA national champions on your roster?  Oh, none?  How many of Austin's top 10 most eligible bachelors (see upcoming August edition of Austin Monthly)?  None again?  That's what I thought.

SUPER optimistic about the upcoming season. The themes nights are stellar, the return of the boat party is looming, and our roster is stacked. What little fat there was has been trimmed, and the lean powerhouse that remains is eager to get back on the field.  Walk of Shame up first?  Bring it on.  Starting at the end of last season we instigated an insidious 'bait and switch' scheme by cleverly losing 11-4 in the quarterfinals to the Walk of Shame which is just now coming to fruition, as Dre and the rest of the Walks have no idea what's coming.  Rest assured, something is going down tonight.  I might even Ice someone just to get us going on the right note.  UKP out!