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Friday, June 24, 2011
Better Red than Blue Balls
It’s only fitting that a team made up of privileged Town Lake kids, still living at home and sucking on daddy’s trust fund teat, named their team after a rape euphemism. We hope that your team captain is qualified to comprehend the bigger words in this post thanks to the remedial ACC English course he is taking for the third time. We’ll try to keep it simple, just in case.
Ladies (and very likely, gentlemen), when facing Relax, it is better to just lay there and "let it happen," than it is to fight back. Because then you'll probably get backhanded. After a flurry of short, systematic "bunts" (remember, you are to lay there like a dead fish as they jackhammer away), it'll all be over.
Afterwards, they'll smack you on the ass and tell you "good game" and "I'm totally not gay, bro." So long as you keep your mouth shut, this should be your only encounter with Relax until the playoffs: where the games mean more and the Rohypnol is stronger.
In regards to the bitch kicks, all we're saying is that chicks dig the long ball. But small ball is cool too. We understand; your feelings are perfectly natural. That shit totally occurs in nature. And I'm pretty sure it's legal in Nevada, which probably explains why you guys want to get to Las Vegas so badly.
Credit given where credit’s due, you guys had a game-plan, executed very well, played error-free kickball and steamrolled (some may even say … raped) us with ease.
We may be 0-2, but the scheduling hasn’t done us any favors, having played two solid Capital teams in Relax and Waffles. We’re definitely looking forward to playing Live teams the next couple games to break in our fifteen players new to WAKA.
To the other teams, every team we play from this point forward will get to enjoy the five innings of bliss that is spending time with genuinely nice people. We will share in many things like dangerous amounts of alcohol consumption, laughter, sportsmanship and other joys of the consensual sort. We look forward to the pleasure.