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Friday, June 24, 2011

Better Red than Blue Balls

It’s only fitting that a team made up of privileged Town Lake kids, still living at home and sucking on daddy’s trust fund teat, named their team after a rape euphemism. We hope that your team captain is qualified to comprehend the bigger words in this post thanks to the remedial ACC English course he is taking for the third time. We’ll try to keep it simple, just in case.

Ladies (and very likely, gentlemen), when facing Relax, it is better to just lay there and "let it happen," than it is to fight back. Because then you'll probably get backhanded. After a flurry of short, systematic "bunts" (remember, you are to lay there like a dead fish as they jackhammer away), it'll all be over.

Afterwards, they'll smack you on the ass and tell you "good game" and "I'm totally not gay, bro." So long as you keep your mouth shut, this should be your only encounter with Relax until the playoffs: where the games mean more and the Rohypnol is stronger.

In regards to the bitch kicks, all we're saying is that chicks dig the long ball. But small ball is cool too. We understand; your feelings are perfectly natural. That shit totally occurs in nature. And I'm pretty sure it's legal in Nevada, which probably explains why you guys want to get to Las Vegas so badly.

Credit given where credit’s due, you guys had a game-plan, executed very well, played error-free kickball and steamrolled (some may even say … raped) us with ease.

We may be 0-2, but the scheduling hasn’t done us any favors, having played two solid Capital teams in Relax and Waffles. We’re definitely looking forward to playing Live teams the next couple games to break in our fifteen players new to WAKA.

To the other teams, every team we play from this point forward will get to enjoy the five innings of bliss that is spending time with genuinely nice people. We will share in many things like dangerous amounts of alcohol consumption, laughter, sportsmanship and other joys of the consensual sort. We look forward to the pleasure.


  1. Hahaha wow! You are probably the first person to call out Westlake kids and I guess attempt to make fun of us for our parents having money? Really original, success is definitely something to be ashamed of... So not only are you too stupid to reference Westlake calling it "Town Lake", but you even screwed up that Town Lake is now Lady Bird Lake, get your sh*t straight. As far as your attempt at the ACC remedial thing, most of us, as you saw are so physically gifted that our talents paid for scholarships to 4 year universities. The only thing that held any relevance here was: " Credit given where credit’s due, you guys had a game-plan, executed very well, played error-free kickball and steamrolled (some may even say … raped) us with ease." That's all you had to say, and we appreciate that

  2. Bahahahahahahaahahahahaha! Game, set, and match: Jay Russell!

  3. If by "game set and match" you mean he completely confirmed the accusations of poor literacy skills, I'm with you. That comment reads like the unedited thoughts of a poorly educated 3rd grader.

    They weren't mocking you because your parents have money. They were mocking you because of the bro-tastic, blue blooded echo chamber you guys live in that makes you think rape jokes are funny and that being good at sports makes you better than other people.

    Look around the league. There are plenty of blowout games where both teams have a good time, yet somehow whenever Relax curb stomps someone there's resentment and bitterness. Here's a hypothesis: people don't dislike you because they're jealous of your kickball skills, they dislike you because you're abrasive, rude, and arrogant.

  4. I am going to try my best math here with my ACC education....

    Relax and Let It Happen = rape reference

    Rape jokes = not funny

    Therefore.... we aren't joking, we will rape you and it won't be funny

  5. Let me start by apologizing for my lack of formal writing usage when posting on a blog. I saw a post last week without a period at the end of their sentence, if you can post again with your name I can forward you her contact info and you can tell her what a horrible person she is.

    That brings me to my next point(transition phrase), it's ok to let people know who you are, don't worry I won't hold a grudge, and we can still be friends after this.(run-on, I know I'll work on it)

    Next(transition word), what specifically upset you about our game? Was it just the fact that our 1B heard you talkin sh*t and decided to call you out on it in our write up? The only thing that you mentioned pertaining to the game was that: 1) you didn't stand a chance, 2) we bunted and 3) we told you good game, seems awful...(ellipsis, probably not the most formal usage but then again please refer to sentence 1 of paragraph 1. Hopefully it gets my condescending tone across)

    In closing(transition phrase), you need to look at our write up again. The 3rd sentence clearly states, it's the first time in a while that we've seen a bitter opponent. There are plenty of people who like us. Those who don't, like yourself, have no idea who we even are. If we wanted you to like us, you would, it's that simple. Now can we move on and just agree to be rivals?

  6. Just so you know Jay, the periods come AFTER the parenthesis. You are not to be forgiven for this egregious error. I vote to remove Relax from all competition henceforth!

  7. There’s not really much to say about a 10-0 loss.

    The post was supposed to be perceived more as witty than full of vitriol.

    The privileged upbringing quip could have been removed, but it served as a great segue to get to the rape jokes. Throw in some kickball/rape parallels, a bro-rape reference (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/140739/bro-rape - in case you aren’t familiar), a bit of a reach trying to tie small ball, Las Vegas and homosexuality together only to circle back with a final rape reference (one could say a proverbial cherry on top… which you popped. See what I did there?)

    I’m sure Relax is full of good people, we all say things in the heat of the moment. And we can probably all be friends and hang out, so long as you guys don’t show up with backpacks full of black dildos.

  8. Oh no. Look what I started. I hate that I had to go to L.A. for work right after I wrote the Relax write-up that caused all of this fun back and forth.

    Michael and whoever wrote the original post for the team (which I'm assuming is Michael), you sound like you have things figured out. These posts shouldn't get too malicious, and wit and sarcasm is what makes them fun. Our posts make this league better and add to the fun each week. Let's keep it up.

    The person who needs to check their shit is whoever wrote the Anonymous response at 3:11 p.m. I know it's hard for you to believe, but when people hang out with us at the bar or after the game, they usually like us. The people who dislike us (few and far between) are the people who judge us solely off our antics on the field.

    We're abrasive and arrogant because that's the role the league needs us to play. It helps us get up for the game, and it helps to have a team to beat. Throughout the years, many teams have been put together just to beat us, and that brings more money and more excitement to the league. What would wrestling be without the villains? We're not like that ALL the time. We don't walk out of the ring and RAPE people. That's gross!

    Your hypothesis lacks research. We've played a bunch of games and resentment and bitterness aren't a part of all of them. Only when people make up their minds before getting to know us.

  9. NEW RULE!!!! Rape is absolutely not allowed on this blog anymore. Any references to it or the word itself will be removed. Although I laughed my ass off at all of these comments, it's actually not ok to joke about. Love you all and keep up the good work.

  10. WAKA Kickball Austin quote:

    "Although I laughed my ass off at all of these comments, it's actually not ok to joke about."

    84 MILLION people may disagree with you and that rape is actually OK to joke about...