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Thursday, April 26, 2012

GMOT Entry of Shame

Big League Chew

The Bad News: We got stomped in our last game. Can't blame is on defense when our pitcher gets ROCKED like that. I have honestly not seen a ball kicked that far... ever... and Tom Hallock is on one of my teams... Big League Chew suffered a huge blow, and some would say, are officially out of the running. Its gonna take some serious effort if we are going to find our way back to the promise land... or we could just have our whole team show up for once, but lets be serious.

The Good News: This team is resilient! Our pitcher took advantage of the off week to hone his skills. Studying his release point, adding a new pitch to his arsenal (the cricket pitch), and generally striving to improve himself in any way. And by that I mean he sulked for a day or two, drank too much, and eventually got over it. To Marie, there is NO way you could have got to that ball. Just keep being the best female outfielder that WAKA has ever seen. To Elizabeth, get back to flirting with the other team. Distracting 3rd base coaches is a good way to get someone thrown out at home. To Stephen, you're key to our team morale, but try harder to to dress in appropriate theme attire. The theme wasn't Jamestown, it was Pirates/Ninjas. To Chicks Dig Big Kicks, be prepared, because tonight is gonna get ugly.

PurpleSaurus Rex

Also, hoping for our first win tonight!


Walk of Shame

ATTENTION! IF YOU'RE THE OWNER OF A WHITE, WINDOWLESS VAN, PLEASE CALL AUSTIN TOWING CO. Your van was illegally parked in front of the Walks house of Shame.

After all that clever photoshopping. All that clever trash talk. All the new players. All the hype....

 You should apologize.

What does your picture have to say now Valerie? Did you really bring Luis brought in to stop the Walks? Hahaha! Ain't gonna happen.

We don't need to say much more. Scoreboard, Biatch!

Walks and Billy Dre Cyrus (Your father Hannah... comin for you) 2. Candy Van 1.

P.S. Slampieces... Hey, unlike Relax, we aren't going to write an article about how much you suck. We aren't assholes. You'll get better. We thought you people were quite nice. We hope the one girl is okay. And any of your first 3 kickers is welcome to join our team anytime. We could use the speed upgrade. Talk to us at the fields sometime.

Awful Waffles

After a disappointing tie last game to kind of a big deal, the waffles need to get back to basics. What happened was old school waffleball at its finest: (1) Give up two quick runs in the first. (2) Don't get anyone on base for multiple innings. (3) Scrape by with a tie. We can do better.

I'm not going to say that we've joined the dark side or anything. We're still your fun loving, flip cupping, beer drinking, high giving waffles. But we're ready to go. Kicks like Jesus is just a boot begging for mercy with a crown of thorns on Alderaan. The waffles are the death star. And I don't think there are any Luke sky walkers in WAKA. Or han solos. Or even princess leias. So I think you all know what's going to happen.

your awful waffles

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Toot It Says...

If you had the privilege of watching us win in OT against Chicks Dig Big Kicks, you wouldn't have been able to take your eyes off of us, it was simply beautiful. For one, we were breakin' necks and cashin' checks all game.... 2 double plays, a strike-out by our very own Robert N. (who also scored not once, but TWICE, BOOYAH), BEN H. kicked it over the hills and far away getting us 3RBI's (he's the ginger that ref's your games, so make sure to give him a hell yea next time you see him). We also had Shaini, the sweetest and cutest girl you've ever seen touch home, Anders K. made it all the WAY and scottie2hottie scored 3 times!
It might be that we played dress up that game or that Anders made us all jello shot syringes that we shot in eachother's mouths ever so sexually or it just might be that we have a bunch of gingers on our team. Either way, something was in the air that night (TOOT IT) and its comin' back for round 2 (BOOT IT).

Hannah Montanah

The actors in the Hannah Montana Sex Tape is a little confused. Our defense is skipping foreplay and going straight to the ass by letting in 3 runs in the first inning. No way to start a sex tape. We then decide we aren't ready for that type of action and SQUEEZE down the D and start to play some kickball. After our defense has tightened up, we held strong for the rest of the taping (game) and never got penetrated (scored on) again. Maybe we need a few solo sessions (practice) to figure out how to come out of the gates lubed up. Our offense has always failed to really live up to our potential. We can never seem to get into the moment and typically fail to get anyone off. In short, Hannah Montana's Sex Tape needs to get hardcore again. No one wants to watch a handjob on tape, we need to start scoring. Maybe then, we can have a great money shot.

 Slutty as Always,

PurpleSaurus Rex

Well, we got PurpleSaurus Wrecked. I think this squad has officially moved into the "at least we got drunker than the other team, and we're clearly better looking" zone in order to try and validate our on-field performance, but the fact of the matter is that I cried myself to sleep in a pirate costume last Thursday night, and our opponents were all highly attractive athletes. Balls Deep is a fine organization and I'm proud to have shared the field with them, so let's never speak of this again so I don't have to murder anyone.

Tip o the hat to Tom Hallock, who wins the lifetime achievement award for throwing the ball further than it has ever been thrown before in a failed attempt to peg a runner at third, rounding out an in-the-park home run off of three infield errors, the elusive anti-triple play! How our defense can manage such ineptitude is only made more mystifying by the fact that just an inning earlier, we pulled off an ACTUAL triple play when Carrie picked off two unassisted at first base and then gunned it to Marion at home plate who tagged a runner attempting to score.

This week will be interesting. I'm like 80% sure there are going to be enough people to play, but with me and Nate leaving for Tennessee, Carrie and Lundy otherwise engaged, and Tom double booked and committed to the Candy Van game (what idiot makes these schedules anyway?), Whiskey Kick is going to see a seriously depleted roster, but I have faith in the underdog upset story. Happy Thursday everybody!



Awful Waffles

Hi there everyone,

It's time for a confession. We, your awful waffles, are an "older team". I mean, we're not ancient but our average age is probably in the late twenties. Which firmly puts us into the late-80's early 90's age demographic. It's not our fault, it's just when we were born. So, justifiably, when we are feeling nostalgic we think back on these times with fondness. Hence, our name, awful waffles which if you remember, is taken from the great 1991 Nickelodeon tv show salute your shorts.

So sometimes we get a little crotchety I guess. And while anchorman was definitely a funny movie, it's not like those classic movies. Like beetlejuice, wayne's world, or weird science. Or even moreso, the care bears movie. Now stick with me:

The care bears movie was always on the Disney channel growing up. And the bears were a team of individuals that came together to achieve a common goal of fighting back against auntie freeze or dark heart. There are definitely analogs between the waffles and the care bears. Cheer bear could be saucy waffle. Good luck bear is bit waffle. Grumpy bear is cowboy waffle. The list goes on. So this is what's going to happen:

Kind of a big deal, prepare to be decimated by a care bear waffle stare! Your ever loving awful waffles will be playing at 915. Come and check us out. And flip cup to follow as always.

awful waffles

Relax and Let it Happen


Dear Slampieces,
We get it. When playing against a dynasty such as ourselves, teams tend to do one of a few things:

1. Try hard, and ultimately take their ass whipping like a champ.
2. Give up after the first inning and ultimately take their ass whipping.
3. Bitch. Complain. Cry. Embarrass themselves. Come up with excuses. Watch us during the next game quietly talking shit while taking notes at how we do things at the same time.

Sadly, Slampieces, you chose to go with #3. Incessantly complaining about a team bunting is old and all around pitiful. Not to mention, dumb. Didn't you realize that the only run you guys scored on us in our 9-1 game, was started by a fast guy who bunted and ran the bases well?

As we ran around the bases and celebrated, your first basemen, who seemed like a nice guy, asked me if we had any fun. I told him that a heavy dose of bunting is the reason why we're having fun. You bunt, you speed to first, maybe there's an overthrow, you run to second, shit gets crazy. You try to kick the ball as hard as you can, you jog to first while someone yawns and catches your pop fly. This isn't Rocket Science?!?!

But to the Slampieces, it was. Which sucks because ya'll have a nice batch of athletic guys, and some of your girls weren't bad either. And we're not the only team that bunts. We used to be, but people got tired of losing. So, please, keep watching us, and keep taking notes. The Teabaggers did it. CandyVan did it, and look at them. They'll never be as good as us, but they've definitely improved. They learned how to bunt and they recruited fast players.

In closing, please get to know us. We come off as douchebags but we just like to win. Want to roll the ball and see how far you can kick it until someone inevitably catches it? Go to zilker and play with some hippies. Or maybe even ASSC. Until then, just Relax and Let it Happen.


p.s. Suck My Kick, you tried hard and took it like a champ. Well done.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


As I was thinking about what kind of trash to talk to Walk of Shame, it donned on me: I don't need to talk trash to Walk of Shame. My house is called Walk of Shame on foursquare. I'm the mayor (obviously) of both the residential and mobile Walk of Shame foursquare venues. So, really, their name is a tribute to me. Which is really sweet! Thanks, guys!

So, to thank them for honoring my many achievements in kinetic chagrin, I will honor their captain, Dre, with a new line of trading cards: Dre of Shame. Collect 'em all!


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Big League Chew

Out to prove that our first three games were a result of growing pains, Big League Chew used the time off to improve an already stellar defense. Through a total of zero practices during our hiatus, matched with plenty of drinking, we corrected our faults and turned all the 1 run losses into 1 run wins.

 Needless to say, We Don't Even Like Kickball didn't have much hope. In addition to seducing half of their team, Elizabeth "My boyfriend plays first base" Medlin caught everything sent her way, and the team defense that we're becoming known for brought home the 1-0 shutout victory. Stephen "Ice-Box" Moursund deserves credit too! Without his purplesaurus punch, we would have been left thirsty, sober, and in desperate need of sugar.

 Defense wins championships, and defense is one thing that Big League Chew has. That being said, I'm looking forward to an offensive explosion tonight when BLC faces its first live team, Whiskey Kick. Win tonight, and our 0-3 start will be follows by a 3-0 winning streak!

CANDY VAN: REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Edition

1. Candy Van is creepy.
2. Candy Van creeps ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the Candy Van is to flip out and play kickball.


Candy Van can creep on anyone they want! Candy Van parties ALL the time and doesn't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this Candy Vanner who set his beer on the side lines. And when some dude knocked it over the Candy Vanner humped the whole team. My friend said that he saw a Candy Vanner totally uppercut Jay just because the kid yelled "You're out of the league!"

And that's what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't believe that Candy Van has REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will hump your head off!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.

Candy Van is sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Candy Van is fast, smooth, cool, strong, powerful, and sweet. I can't wait to start kickball next year. I love Candy Van with all of my body (including my pee pee).

Q & A:
Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about Candy Van?
A: Candy Van is the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they're wasted, but on the other hand, Candy Van are great athletes.

Q: I heard that Candy Van is always cruel or mean. What's their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, Candy Van can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What does Candy Van do when they're not humping off heads or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent creepin', but sometimes they RAGE. (Ask Captain DBAG if you don't believe me.)

(If you don't get this reference, it's from The Official Ninja Webpage. Also, if you didn't get this reference, come and see Valerie and let her know so she can chop you right in the face.)

We've Got Throws

We had our best game ever last week! At the end of the game we were tied which is gigantic improvement from our first game's 15-0 loss. But the most impressive part is that we started the game with only 3 guys and 7 girls. Our 4th guy finally got there with the beer partially through the 1st inning (Seriously, if you are in charge of bringing beer, you should not be late!!). Jay was an awesome ref, and, although we lost the game in overtime, I think we won the flip cup after the game which is what really matters.

 While our girls are obviously awesome, we clearly need a few more guys to join our team. We are looking for fun, good-looking guys that are good at flip cup. We will be taking applications Thursday at the tables by field A after our 7:15 game by means of a flip cup challenge. See you at the fields.

Awful Waffles

Yay! Kickball came back with a vengeance and the waffles were out in full force overwhelming waka Texas rangers. And since there was a holiday the next day all of the waffles went out in full force and as a result, details got hazy around 10 pm at Liberty. Things remembered were broken beer bottles and many high fives over a game well played. Things forgotten were probably numerous for all waffles. But I figured that this was just a typical drunk night. I was wrong.

 Waking up the next morning I seemed to remember phish waffle loudly exclaiming herself to not be "the drunkest girl at the party" (which was false and wrong) and everyone having a big laugh over that. Then I happened on this photo from a third party which I'll try to explain to all of you:

 So the best I can gather is that one of the waffles must have at some point made it over to a local bar to proclaim her undying devotion to the trash waffle at the bar. Since the dude has one sinister looking 'stache he apparently wasn't having any of this even though she brought him flowers. And a mariachi band. And was singing this song (with apologies to Rick Springfield):

 The trashman is a friend
Well he's not really a good friend of mine
But when I go to the bar its so easy to see
That he really needs a girl and I need it to be me.
And he's watching me with those eyes!
And I want his hairy trash carrying body
And for him to hold me in his arms late late at night.
 You know I wish I was the trashman's girl!!
You know I wish I was the trashman's girl!!
Where can I find a waffle like that?

 Somehow he was apparently not swayed by this and I'm not sure if any waffles are now allowed back or if we even should try. Way to go team. Anyway, your ever loving awful waffles are playing we've got throws (THROWS!) at 7 followed by dizzy bat flip cup immediately to follow. Come find us if you want to play! 

eternally yours,
awful waffles.

Relax and Let it Happen

Finally, we were able to play the game that we enjoy and love and respect and are really good at. The great game of kickball. It seemed like it had been about 3 months since we last played, and it showed. Not only were we missing some key players, but we were a tad rusty. We played Candy Van and tied them 3-3. It should've been 3-2 or 3-1 but shit happens, and we're not perfect...YET.

 Next week we play Suck My Kick and Slampieces in a double-header. As always, come by and take notes on how to become a dynasty like us. It won't actually happen to you, because you don't have the athletes or the overall dedication to the game like we do, but at least you'll see how it happens. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

PurpleSaurus Rex!

Another week, another ... tie? Shit. That's not how this is supposed to work. I thought this team was good! Well at least our record still looks pretty solid. What's that? We haven't won a game yet? Oh man, 0-2-2? What is this soccer? We can't even get high fives right!

Luckily our tiny arms are enough to lift cup to mouth, and we'll continue plowing through the PurpleSaurus punch in an effort to forget about our dismal record and lure our opponents into a false sense of security.

This week were going dino-balls deep against the #4 team in the league. I hereby invite Balls Deep and anyone else who so desires to partake in the bounty of our cooler and experience the pleasure that can only come from reaching the botom of your purple cup. I have a bunch of people asking what the hell is in this stuff, to which I always respond:

Thursday, April 5, 2012


6:15 p.m. Field 1B.
Pretty sure you can trust this guy.

PurpleSaurus Rex!

It's just been so long. I've had two separate instances in the past month when I ran into someone on my own goddamn team and didn't recognize them right away. My heart is so swollen with the ache of loss and pain that I don't even know how to react to the prospect of actually playing kickball tonight, and the only response I've been able to muster is unintelligible gurgles of excitement. In honor of my regressed ability to communicate, here's an image of the PurpleSaurus captain displaying his early dino-love:

Tonight, we dine on the flesh of Drunk Again and Looking to Score!



Awful Waffles

So something bad happened. It is a given that there has not been kickball in a looooong time. And it's been longer for us. Bye week then SXSW then the two lost weeks. The terrible news is that our mascot waffle (who alway has been a bit of a party animal and just simply wrecks fools) has not returned yet. If you see him please let him know we will be beating waka Texas rangers on Thursday. Much appreciated.

awful waffles

Big League Chew

Heartbroken. There is no other word to describe my feelings over the loss of the next 2 kickball games. Granted, we did have a bye week scheduled for this week.... and happy hour sounds fun... and it will give our injured players a chance to heal up... BUT I HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT KICKBALL! My wife, my job, my kids. Every day is exactly the same. Oh sure, I go golfing on Sundays, but I hate golf. Don't blackball me, WAKA. Please.

 I realize you aren't actually blackballing us WAKA, but this is gonna be tough. On a more positive note, BLC got its first win last game! It was a great effort in terrible conditions. Yes, the other team had to play a man down after a horrific accident slipping on first base, but the conditions were too nasty to allow us to kick away, so we are excited with the win. I was hoping we might end up 5-3 overall after we run the table, but I'm not sure how many games we will lose with these two weeks out. We'll have to wait and see! Next Up: I DON'T KNOW!

 Things you can count on:

1. BLC will continue to consume copious amounts of shredded bubble gum. It is borderline disgusting...
2. BLC will be playing the straw game at any WAKA party this season. "I'm not playing" is not an option.
2(a). If you aren't familiar with the straw game, come and ask us. But once you ask you are immediately entered.
3. Nate will cry himself to sleep every Thursday night without waka 4. Stephen will walk and play kickball again, I BELIEVE! More next week!

Awful Waffles

What you see here is total domination. Taking the theme of beach night to heart, this waffle is simply enjoying a Mai Tai, on a surfboard tethered to its two trained pet killer orcas (named Willy and Shamu of course. And these are not named after those whales of lore, they actually are them). Amidst the relaxing backdrop of The Great Wave off Kanagawa by the esteemed ukiyo-e artist Katsushika Hokusai, the waffle, clearly the most awesome of breakfast type foods, is thoroughly wrecking the oshiokuri-bune boats of the dreaded and evil whiskey kicks. Their faces of fright as they evacuate both their safe haven and their bowels are evident. Sheer terror and distraught.

forever yours,
awful waffles