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Thursday, February 27, 2014

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

So if you haven't met us yet, you may know us as that kind of naked dancing team that you had had to get uncomfortably close to when you went to pick up the shirts from my table last week. Well, show some respect folks, you're looking a league royalty. I realized this season that PurpleSaurus Rex is officially a mainstay of TX Live culture, we've been around that long. A brief history of PurpleSaurus Rex:
1989: This commercial hits the airwaves, and somebody had the good sense to turn on the VCR

Spring 2010: After a brief an unsatisfying stint in ASSC, the founding fathers of PurpleSaurus discovered WAKA and created the esteemed Untitled Kickball Project in TX Capital. Little did we know that UKP would be the cro-magnon man of a storied franchise.

Summer 2010: Nucleus of the team joins Untouchaballs, meets Sterling Shrader.

Fall 2010: Still casting about for their one true name, UKP plays their first TX Live season as Ctrl+Alt+Elite.
Remember when we could play flip cup?

Winter 2011: Having trouble finding their identity as a fun team or a good team, UKP returns to Capital under their original namesake. We meet Scotty after Nate moves into a house on Hartham right off West 6th that we absolutely trash every Thursday after going to Third Base
Also Stephen got fat.

Summer 2011: UKP plays their final season, changing their name in week 3 to Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors. It's been a long time since I've shared one of these and I worry that Nate hasn't gotten really angry at me in a while sooooooo:
Table of Contents photo from August 2011 edition of Austin Monthly
Fall 2011: PurpleSaurus Rex is born! Our first ever "seriously we don't care about winning let's get weird" season and first 20+ person roster. Also featured the first appearance of PurpleMan on Halloween.

Kia has no idea what to think of this.

Spring 2012: Unsatisfied with not having a competitive outlet, the most athletic members of the original UKP crew form Big League Chew in TX Capital, but play on PurpleSaurus in TX Live at the same time. I have ankle surgery after a devastating kickball injury and am sidelined for 6 months starting in March. Tom Hallock and Carrie Gilson get their Purple wings.

Summer 2012: PurpleSaurus takes a season off while el capitan is completely unable to play for the entire season rehabbing the injury. Plus it was really hot.

Fall 2012: Still incubating into it's current incarnation, a few members of what PurpleSaurus will ultimately become play on the aptly named "Get Drunk, Kick Away". Jason Casey and Kristie Kelly join the team along with Clayton Porter.

So bright, so tight. How adorable is McKemie?

Winter 2013: PurpleSaurus Rex returns to stay! Huge additions are made that set the tone for the team for the future: Hayley Fojtik, Rob Jaskula, Erica Diaz, & Kim Vozar. Purple does uncharacteristically well competitively, going 5-3 on the season but getting Waffled in the end. New logo and hats get rolled out!

Everything about this picture makes me smile.

Summer 2013: Shits officially getting real. Serena Faruolo, Darcy Lysaught & Ivan Gonzalez all join us. The Purple-Off is revived after several years of dormancy and the departure of the Warriors, leading to this glorious photo:

This picture doesn't show the raw amounts of glitter.

Fall 2013: Purple is the new black. We're everywhere. Huge pickups this season with Ashley Compton, Chelsea Levin, Lori Sternberg, Cody Bond, and Jacob Mackey signing on. They actually started putting us on promotional materials at this point.

PJ night was so comfy.

Spring 2014: PurpleSaurus Rex 6.0 is what you see rolled out before you. Looking through the current roster of teams our tenure is exceeded only by that of Relax and Let it Happen and The Tyrannical Teabaggers, although Sons of Pitches are right there with us. Tonight we dominate (checks schedule) Kickin & Wafflez, and I must say it's good to have a new entrant occupying the Waffle demographic. We will cover them with glitter and shame. From what I understand, Relax is planning on turning tonight into a complete shit show, so get your toosh to Gibson after the game and lets get ready to burn this thing down.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

P.E. Credit - TX Republic

We Came, We Saw, We Brought A Whistle

The first day of class is meant to show up, grab a syllabus, and figure out how many and where the hot people are. P.E. Credit now has shirts, a basic understanding of what positions people are going to play, and learned how to lose by 6 runs. Snappin The Base, had done the summer reading, and then asked the teacher why they forgot to give us homework on the first day. Good job, you were very well prepared, and stuck to your guns no matter how much fun everyone else was having. We found out that there may have been a few kinks in the system, we’ll get it together for the double header we have this week. SMK & The Big Laballskis won’t be ready for the kind of participation we’re bringing their way.

Shout Outs:

Scotty “Take 1, Put 1” Driskill – Highest Pop Fly 1st Place

Alex “I Should Wear A Knee Brace” Mitrowski – Highest Pop Fly 1st Loser

Kevin “They Call Me Cinq Mars” Cinq Mars – HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT DOUBLE PLAY! Award


Frankie “Headband” Arvelo – Didn’t Wear A Single Sweatband

Snappin da Base - TX Republic

As with most things life-changingly awesome, Snappin’ da Base has really been looking forward to the start of another ultimate kickball season.

We went up against P.E. Credit…a team with enough play-making veterans that we were ready for a real battle. But we started the season right with a win, brought some brand new faces to the team, and celebrated the return of one of our super-stars, Jake, from retirement! We also had some fantastic base-running, and great defensive plays.

Next week we’re facing The Dark Side and we hear that they could be a challenge. With a name like "The Dark Side", I could throw out a bunch of Star Wars references…but because this is the Internet, I found a gif instead.  

May the Force be with us!

Sons of Pitches - TX Live

WHAT? The Sons of Pitches are two games in to the season and (technically) undefeated? You better believe it. How can this be? What sort of sorcery is happening here? It isn’t magic people, it’s called skill. All skill. Pure, unadulterated skill.
Sailor Moon Dance photo 


Yeah…we pretty much look that awesome out on the field. Okay, so maybe not THAT awesome. But it still feels pretty damn good. How good you may ask? This good:
 photo http3A2F2F31mediatumblrcom2Ftumblr_me6q45gxtQ1rhi0rbo1_400_zps4156c1c0.gif
That’s right. It’s like wanting a hot dog, then being showered with hundreds of them. All over your face. Raw. You don’t even need the mustard. Seriously, we’re excited. We broke our 12-20 game losing streak (but who’s counting) with an all-out win, then backed it up with a tie. We may have lost our #18 spot in the Live Power Rankings but that’s okay because we still have these:

And now, it’s time for a little segment I like to call, “Conversations with Drunk Pitches.” After an amazing win (or a no- longer-so-upsetting loss) the Sons of Pitches like to head over to the bar for a little post-game celebrating with adult beverages and even more adult conversations. After our first win in a while, we got a little over zealous and may have enjoyed a few too many liquid refreshments. We began discussing the finer points of resume building…for pimps and drug dealers. If you are, in fact, a pimp or drug dealer who is looking for a new career (kudos to you) then feel free to use the following list of skills to spice up your resume and enhance your “professional” image. • Entrepreneurial spirit with a drive to build a profitable business. • Ability to build and maintain excellent client relationships by providing high-level customer service. • Strong marketing and canvasing skills especially in back-alleys, crowded clubs and school districts. • Excellent managerial skills and not afraid to use the pimp-hand when hoes get out of line. • Years of cash handling experience and ability to spot a fake bill on sight. • Large network of high-end clients and suppliers who will do anything I ask in order to maintain secrecy. Certifications and achievements include: Master of the Pimping Arts, Back-Room Cashier Level III, Hoe-Handlers License, Defense Against Abusive Johns Level II (currently working on Level III certification), Basement Meth Lab Certified, Highest Grossing Dealer Award 3 years in a row, Lowest Hoe Attrition Rate 5 years in a row and last year’s winner of Lowest Percentage of STD’s Transmitted.


You’re welcome.

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

It's here! It's here! It's finally here. This week promises to be one of the most momentous in history. It's up there with the signing of the constitution, "I have a dream", and the invention of sneaker skates AKA Heelys. Jay and Shannon are getting MARRIED!

It's a beautiful story really. First, Jay was all like:

And Shan was like, bitch get real:

And then they rode bikes and did other shit too:

Finally, one day Jay was like:

And Shan couldn't resist:

Their wedding will be beautiful. Not quite as beautiful as this:

But legit NOTHING can compete with that. #NALEY #OTH #AlwaysAndForever #AmIRight?

Shan's going to look like this:

And Jay's going to look like this:

And I'll prob look like this as I catch the bouquet and become the next to wed:

Look out for us celebrating in style on Thursday night. We're going to go hard in the paint to kick off the best weekend in the history of ever. To the team we play, "Dirty Mike and the Boys", I am so, so, so very sorry. Relax circa 2009 is coming for you and it's NOT going to be pretty. We really do love you though. Truly, madly, deeply.

Here's one more for the people:

Ooooooooh hot damn! Smooches, y'all.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

TX-Waterloo - Kick James, P!tch

I would like to take a moment to remember a few special things we've lost in the last week.

For a few of us, it's been gone for years

Candy Van's Young Undefeated Season
No we haven't played yet, but it's already penciled into my journal.

Well....you know who you are

Soriano's Knee Cartilage
The field won't be the same without him.  But now there's nothing stopping him from verbally accosting Cap'n Wiz for a full undistracted 50 minutes.

Speaking of....
Head Ref Bio #2
This is Allen. --------> I know, not a great picture.  But this is what Allen's about!  Drinking from trophys and stealing strangers' puppies!  I hope you like new best friends, cuz you're gonna need to make room in your hearts for Allen. 

CANDY VAN - TX Waterloo

We're playing on Tuesdays now.  We wore jorts last week, and we'll continue our antics the whole season.  Fear us (and our white thighs).

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Gilligan's Island - TX Republic

Our first week out on the fields and our fearless leader Gilligan (Gilbo, Gilly, Gilson) led us to our first victory! We were all inspired by her words of encouragement before the game started, "Win or lose, we all get lei'ed" and I'm certain that is why everyone played so beautifully! We are a rag-tag team of free agents, one of the longest WAKA players of all time, and some ridiculous people who like to wear tiny clothes and we couldn't be any happier! We all showed up at the bar, had a great time, and are excited for our next game! Huge shout out to Darren "Sure, I'll kick a home-run in the first inning of the game" Konesheck and Drew Heikes for his amazing tuck and roll catches! 

See you all at the bar this week, we're taking home that belt!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Sons of Pitches - TX Live

Sing this in your head to the tune of Run DMC’s song, “Tricky”:

We are the Sons of Pitches,
We’ll make you all our bi*ches,
We’ll kick and punt and f**k you up,
And leave you needing stiches.

That’s right, we have our own cheer. Why? Because we’re badasses like that.

We haven’t made an appearance in the GMOT in quite some time so I would like to introduce you to the awesomeness that is The Sons of Pitches (the original Pitches). I asked the Pitches to present me with a short bio for the GMOT…some did, some didn’t. Those who didn’t were warned that their bios would be filled in by me. See if you can spot the differences.

Co-Captain: Abby
                You may know her as the girl who yells really loud and makes everyone uncomfortable, but there is so much more! In addition to her Shih Tzus being the cutest Shih Tzus ever to grace WAKA, her ability to fall down for absolutely no apparent reason is unparalleled. Not sure of the score? Don’t ask Abby! She was drunk before she even left her house to head to the fields. Don’t know what inning it is? Again, she has no idea. Seriously…no idea what’s going on at any given time.

Co-Captain: Erika
                Erika had hung up her cleats for retirement but she has dusted them off to give it another go. Let’s see if her skills haven’t stayed in retirement. (We’re actually really excited to have Erika back – she’s pretty much the best female pitcher in the league.)

Veteran: Lisa
                Lisa is a kickball-aholic. She could quite possibly be the only legitimate baby boomer on the team (she has Chuck Taylor high tops older than the rest of the team). She’s been playing kickball since the Johnson administration. Lyndon, not Andrew. Lisa drives a cab at night and, yes, everything you can imagine, good and bad, has probably happened in that taxi. She’s a total word nerd (Scrabble, anyone?), a passionate Libertarian and a fiddle player. Lisa is married, has three grown sons, one newly teenaged daughter, two dogs and three cats. If she doesn’t answer her cell phone, it’s probably because she’s at the movies. Look for her on the fields! (Maybe get her digits, you may need her taxi services downtown sometime.)

Veteran: Ben
                Nobody knows where Ben is from. Seriously, he’s told us about 12 different times (we may have been white girl wasted at the time) and, much like Abby on any given Thursday night, we still have no idea. But, he’s got some kind of magical leg power and is great at getting us some runs on the board so we decided to keep him.

Veteran: Josh
                What ball?

Veteran: Walker
                Walker has been with the Son’s of Pitches since the day they became the Son’s of Pitches. He may not be the fastest on the field but he can hold down 1st and 3rd base like a Lion holding down a Gazelle (if the Gazelle were actually running directly towards the Lion, of course, not the other way around). Walker may have “accidentally” nailed a girl in the face with a kickball one time, but it was only because she was about a foot shorter than he thought she should have been (whoops). You can find him on the field with his fabulously decked out rainbow kickball cup filled with Irish energy juice. Come say hi! (I’m Walker, the one writing this GMOT entry…you’re welcome.)

Veteran: Arwin
                Arwin’s super-speed and ability to catch high-flying balls in the outfield have given him high ranks within the SOP’s. His Mohawk may, in fact, contribute to his ability to outrun his opponents. Don’t let his stature fool you when you’re up to kick and sizing up the field. If you kick in the Tiger’s face, the Tiger will bite.

Veteran: Emily
                Emily has quickly become a valuable asset to the SOP’s with her awesome kicking abilities and questionable morals. If you need an announcement made in a packed bar, she’ll make it happen. Can’t get that bottle of wine open? She’s got it. Need a floor put in? Don’t worry, Emily’s on it. She may be quick to do the Sloppy Swish with any (ANY) hottie that comes her way but we don’t judge her for that.

Veteran: Aida
                Kickballin’ since 2009…2 legit 2 quit. (Real talk – we all luv Aida. She’s small and sometimes easy to miss. If youmess with her, you mess with all of us.)

Veteran: Raven
                Raven (like James – see the rookie section below) may not be our strongest athlete, but much like a wart on the back of our hand, she’s grown on us (whether we wanted her to or not). She’s loud, she drinks weird beer, she gets handsy when she’s drunk (easy lay anyone?) and her morals are questionable. Raven is on our team though…so, we have to keep her.

Veteran: Kyle
                We told Kyle to run down anything at the catcher’s mound and he hasn’t let us down since. He may not know exactly what’s going on but he’ll chase down a ball or a runner with no reservations. Whiskey runs through his veins and sweats out his pores. He recently cut off his long, flowing locks and now he looks like a well-adjusted young man. Ladies, you may think you want to hit on him but be warned, his wife (and former SOP) is a Derby chick…draw your own conclusions.

Rookie: Steven
                Steven has come back for his second season with the Sons of Pitches. His hobbies include collecting Care Bears (Funshine Bear is his all-time favorite), prancing around like a Unicorn (with attached horn and long, flowing tail) and attempting to bring honor to his family (so far…it’s going). He’s part Chinese (seriously, his eyes look like they’re bowing to each other) but don’t let that fool you, he’s not exactly what you would refer to as “book smart” or athletic. But, Steven’s one of our own and drinks beer so that makes him cool to us.

Rookie: James
                Many wonder, but few truly understand what it takes to be James Shirley. To reach the unparalleled narcissism, unequaled cynicism, and unsurpassed apathy that James routinely displays, one would have to train with Tibetan monks for decades. James managed to achieve it with just a few years of substance abuse.
                While his kickball skills are questionable at best, James still manages to make himself the center of attention through sheer volume and terrible displays of athletic prowess. He can frequently be found yelling at players of various teams (sometimes teams he is not currently playing against) while the ball slowly and gently glides past him, and the runner is quickly making his/her way along the baselines.
                Despite these glaring and obvious failings, James has been accepted into the folds of the Pitches for a second time. He hopes to outdo himself and consistently be drunker and louder than before; a feat scientists would have previously considered nigh impossible.

Newbie: Paymon
                He’s not an ambi-turner but much like Miley Cyrus, he too came in like a wrecking ball.

Newbie: Jacob
                Jacob…he once failed at a 72 ounce steak challenge.

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

Yayyyyy! Kickball is fun! We didn’t know how much we missed it until we got out there last week. There was Pitch Slapped, right in front of us. A wide-eyed, baby-faced, supple beauty, bursting with innocence. The smell of sweet, sweet dominance was in the air and the shit talking flowed like a babbling brook. We took Pitch Slapped for the ride of their lives and I’m sure they thank us deeply.

This week we play the IncrediBalls. It could be fun I guess, I don’t really care. What’s more important is that we play at 9. So I’m assuming we leave work at a reasonable hour, get together at El Mercado, slug down 3-4 margs, eat some “Mexican food” that will make us shit fire on Friday, and live our lives. We show up at 9, love the IncrediBalls, love ourselves, and make magic happen for the second week in a row.

Can’t wait to see all you hipsters out there in your weird circus outfits. We’ll be the ones dressed like athletes. We wish we could hug you all forever. Smooches, y’all.

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Today is about one thing: Happy Birthday to Kelley Commeford! She's lucky enough to have her actual birthday fall on a Thursday this Spring! I just headed over to her Facebook to find ridiculous pictures to post of her, and was not dissappointed. Even better, pretty much all her profile pics are from WAKA events!

She's the R2-D2 to my C-3PO:

The elfiest elf on the X-Mas Bar Crawl:

Clearly should have won an award for best makeup at 80s Prom:

And the jumpiest jumper at last season's Photo Scavenger Hunt:

Tonight, she's the birthday girl! PurpleSaurus and Pitch Please will be joining forces, which means an inescapable vortex of sexy will form on the field and at the bar, you will almost certainly feel its pull. We're gonna party, we're going to be dressed weird for Carnival night, there's going to be glitter everywhere, and if things go well maybe a little of this:

Just tell me where you want your gift girl.

Stephen & PurpleSaurus Rex

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Anonymous - TX Live

This video was delivered directly to my physical mailbox in a thumbdrive inside of an unmarked manila envelope sometime late Sunday night. No prints were found, and after sending it to the lab for analysis all they were able to give me was a transcript:

Teabaggers, come out to play...
Hey false champions...
If you ever want to see your trophy again, you will drop off a handle of Fireball to any member of the Walks.
If not, we pee in your trophy.
Then we burn it. So long.

Fortunately for everyone, that is not the TX Live trophy, so nobody needs to worry about the security of our prize. I'll let these folks sort it out amongst themselves. I think they're pretty serious, they already butchered the ransom video by shooting it vertically with a phone...


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Welcome to the GMOT!

Hello all you beautiful kickballers, and welcome to the greatest blog on Earth: WAKA Austin's Ghost Man on Third! Here you'll find all manner of amusing Thursday afternoon time-wasting fodder as you daydream about 5 PM rolling around so you can ditch the office and head for the fields. Or the pre-party, as the case may be.

This whole thing works because YOU send in content for us to post by emailing us at waka.gmot@gmail.com! This is your forum to call out your teammates on their shenanigans, challenge your upcoming opponents to special rules, or anything else you could possibly want! With a few basic exceptions:

1. No hate speech. Slurs, discriminatory language, misogynistic rants, homophobic rhetoric, and anything else along those lines is going to get your post screened right into the junk mail folder. Don't be that person.
2. No extreme profanity. We're all adults here, there's no harm in dropping a couple bombs for emphasis now and then, but use your head. For example:

"We spent the next 2 hours doing Fireball shots at Gibson like it was our goddamn job." - Hell yeah you did!

"That little b**** thought he was going to get on base, but I pegged him right in his f***ing throat so hard his skank girlfriend started crying." - Jeez dude, get therapy and never send in a post again. Also if you peg someone in the throat they're safe. IDIOT. I just made this hypothetical guy up and I still hate him.

Look to the right! There are every-week columns with picks and power rankings for every league! Hooray! The esteemed Kimberly Fortanely will be posting your messages every Tuesday, so if you send one in after that, expect to see it the following week on the blog!

If you have images to include, please insert the URL of the image in the location you'd like it to appear. Don't make us host it for you, we're hotlinking like bandits up in herr. Happy posting, happy kickballing, happy everything! It's kickball season!


Wednesday, February 12, 2014

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Austin's apex predators are back and hotter than ever. Fueled by the delightful combination of grain alcohol and sugar that gives us our name; armed with our usual arsenal of glitter, tutus and tights, the men and women of PurpleSaurus Rex are ready to dance our way into your hearts and beds for another season.  


If there is one thing the history of kickball has taught us it’s that PurpleSaurus Rex will not be contained. You might not hear us before you see us, but damn, what a sight to behold! If you're new to the league this year just look for the team where the men are showing just as much of their humps as the ladies; where our sexy disco dance party and Purple Punch lead to an outdoor bacchanalia that rivals Barbarella; where we playfully boo teammates with the audacity to bunt. Come share in our revelry: although we do bite, PurpleSaurus Rex welcomes all. Pants discouraged.


Veterans of Texas Live will know the drill: you've probably made out with at least one of us over the course of the last 12 months, maybe even woken up next to a sexy Purp. Apologies for the glitter, that's just how we roll. On the heels of Stephen's Carnaval sneak preview we must admit that we're feeling as sexy as ever:


Don't sleep on PurpleSaurus Rex, for we're not some children's show havin', puffy-costumed dinosaur wannabe. Join me as I turn back to the Winter 2013 season to find a Paint image from the run-up to a big clash against Awful Waffles:


That's right, past the halfway point of the season we were in second place in the standings. In the end it was a campaign that we predators raptored our way into the quarterfinals, a high-water mark for the squad on the field. 


Even if our fearless leader ended up going under the maple wave in the end, we proved that "get drunk, kick away" can occasionally be a viable strategy in a game created for eight year olds. 


We're fun. We're drunk. We like to make out. Like Mike Dexter, we are your role models.


Our ladies might kidnap your captain and we'll always kick away. See you on the fields, at the bar and in your beds. ANUSTART -- especially Nikki, Jessi and Matt -- you're on notice for week one as "...first priority is intimidating, distracting, and arousing them with our bodies." Optimism fills the air here in South Austin, making it the perfect time of year for a miracle or two.


Smooches and Fireball,

PurpleSaurus Rex

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Relax and Let It Happen - TX Live

Relax is back, and as always, we’re coming in hot. Apparently we’re playing some new team called Pitch Slapped. All I know is the team’s full of jabronis who think they’re going to be good. And they may be good. Unfortunately for them, we will be better. It’s tough for anyone to come out and face the 8th ranked team in the nation in their first week of Texas Live. Top 8. Did you catch that? In the NATION. And that's being humble. Some would say we're even higher. “But wait… what? I thought this was like, kickball. For fun!” Aww, sorry Pitch Slapped. Sorry we’re not sorry – we were taught to NEVER apologize for greatness. Because we are athletes. We’re the 8th ranked team in the nation, and probably the top 20 humans in this entire league (for our performances at life in general, not just kickball).

Yes, this is coming on a little strong, but we took a season off so we just want to be clear – Relax is back. Not a redesigned, 2.0 version of Relax. Not a “nicer” version of Relax. Not a team with new players and a new attitude. Relax is back, the Relax you know and the Relax you’ve always wished were a part of. Pitch Slapped, we love you already. Can’t wait to see you out there and shit all over your adorable dreams. Smooches, y’all.

TX-Waterloo: Go Home Mother Nature, You're Drunk!

No, we're not playing tonight.  I'm not happy about it either.  Ol' Mother Nature got drunk over the weekend and is having a 2 day case of the "Booze Blues"

But fear not my young Wakateers, we have the gift of booze to warm our spirits and help us forget about the fields for 1 night.
The Mean Eyed Cat will be our new "Clubhouse" (yes girls are allowed...and encouraged *wink *wink)

So come on out, grab some dranks, meet some new friends and make some bad decisions!

Head Ref Bio #1:
<--------- This is Kyle.  He is the unofficial Mayor of Austin WAKA, having played in every league for multiple years.  He is a wealth of knowledge and an absolute BEAST on the dance floor.  He's ALWAYS wearing some sort of West Virginia University apparel so you can't miss him.