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Thursday, July 28, 2011

{Name Redacted} and the Less Eligible Bachelors

Note: The images in this blog post have been digitally altered to protect the identity of the innocent, and to keep you from making out with your computer screen.

Due to an acute lack of game-time sobriety on my part I'm really not all that sure what happened last week, but a few significant happenings stand out in my mind.

1. We allowed somewhere between 10 and 40 runs.
2. Jay struck out looking at three consecutive pitches.

That's right.  3 pitches, 3 strikes, no swings.  Despite this phenomenal lack of kickball IQ and the glaring distraction of pasty white thigh-flesh refracting sunlight into the defenses eyes every time I was at bat.  Relax somehow pulled out a miraculous victory.  It was down to the wire, but in the end they were just slightly better.

In more important news, the event that we've been waiting for since changing our name at the beginning of the season has finally arrived: the distribution of the August edition of Austin Monthly.  At first glance the edition may seem innocuous enough with a cover story about Mac Brown rebuilding Longhorn Football, but then you reach the table of contents and BAM! You're hit with this:

I took one look and was immediately just as wet as the hunk of man climbing out of the lake.  My first instinct was to gouge my eyeballs out as I was sure I would never see anything more beautiful, but luckily I resisted that premature notion.  Page 86, the table of contents told me, began a photo expose of Austin's top 10 eligible bachelors.  Could it be?  Were there more images of masculine perfection?  I turned to page 86. Ex NFL linebacker? Blah. ESL teacher? Lame. Dirty hipster who works at Home Slice? Not interested. Old dude restaurateur? Yuck.  Then I moved on to Page 92.

NOW i can safely gouge my eyes out, because I've seen everything I need to see in this life.  I know this man has been receiving dozens of nominations for the Love Connection column and ducked the interviews, so here he is ladies.

{Name Redacted}: UT Men's Rowing Head Coach, Financial Advisor, triathlete, cook, and savior of dying puppies.


Very sorry for our big GMOT fight,
A smart decision avoided our sight.
Gaining maturity is a goal for us,
Insisting on ourselves not to cuss.
Nobody was supposed to be insulted,
Again, sorry for the events that resulted.

Just Kickin It

Figured it was about time Just Kickin It put out a GMOT, especially since I had to hear that there is no way we will beat Hanna Montana XXX Tape last night at the bar crawl. We’ve been flying under the radar all season, maybe because we are a kinda new team or we apparently have not had the most stellar schedule, but week in and week out Just Kickin It puts out a strong effort in the field with stifling defense and along the way scrounge up enough offense to put up the W. Were aware were in for quite the game this week and are the underdogs to the more established Hanna Montana’s but something tells me Hanna Montana will be the Oklahoma to our Boise State, Apollo Creed to our Rocky Balboa, The 1980 Soviet Olympic Hockey Team to our 1980 Olympic US Hockey team, Michigan to our Appalachian State…. Umm im out of examples. Ill just end this entry with some inspiring words from Brian Dawkins.


“They think that 6 weeks of dominant kickball aint who we is… Take IT!”

And if you still don’t know who we are this is us.

Here is our post for GMOT this week:

Wassup kickball peeps! After our epic FIRST WIN of the season, we decided to keep it humble and give our 6th game to our worthy opponent In Yo Base. But while we were busy losing, we were hard at work using our "summer" dress-up theme to take kickball partying to new heights. We submit to you... the snorkel bong!

Step 1: Dig out that disgusting, dirty snorkel that's been rotting away in your garage for 2 years.

Step 2: Insert mouthpiece into mouth.

Step 3: Pour beer into snorkel.

Step 4: CHUG!!!

Lies of Shame

DOMINATION. The Walks don't play. After a 40-0 victory over Candy Van, WoS marches on to bye week after bye week, after bye week, after bye week....As a matter of fact, I don't think the Walks have another game until 2013 with this schedule. 

Back to the game at hand though. Ryan led off with a 3-run homer (yes, it happened) and was followed by a solo shot by Alex, a double by Tanker and a grand slam by Andre, despite having only one man on base. Things went on like this for five innings, only stopping to pity the poor Van. It was an incredible offensive power display all 45 minutes long until Candy Van's hapless captains pulled a Roberto Duran and said, "NO MAS! Having played on the field you graced with your presence was just as good as a win!" The Walks didn't agree with that statement, but shortly thereafter, made Lundy's dreams come true when they took their talents to Ego's. 

This week the Walks will be hitting the weights, bulking up for what will either be a long playoff run, or no playoff run at all due to a forfeit since 37 players have already RSVP'd as a "no." It's ok though because even Luis knows that the rest of the league is playing for second place. Sorry TX Live, you guys simply cannot compete with us. Here's some advice. You won't be able to beat us if you're dressed on the kickball field in the same shorts you wore to see your favorite garage band play at SXSW. Take off those tight ass denim shorts. It's not sexy, funny, or attractive. It's also really hot outside and your dick stinks.

Since only one game is on the schedule from now until August 27, the rest of the league won't have a chance to see the Walks game, but I'm quite sure they'll be making a strong showing at the bar anyways. 

Until then,

On a personal note from Tanker: Thanks to everyone in WAKA for the past year. I will now be bored to death on Thursdays...Skype me in! I hope to see everyone either in Vegas or next year, but in the meantime, would SOMEBODY please take down Relax while I'm gone?

RELAX and Let it Happen

"But there is no joy in Mudville - mighty Casey has struck out."

Yup, struck out, 1, 2, 3, didn't swing, whoops. In other news though we won the game 19-0 against Bachelors, here's some stuff I took from the game:

1) I expected them to be way better looking
2) The National Champion doesn't wear her ring everywhere.....idiot
3) Something happened to this team and they went from decent to door mat
4) If your catcher wants to play for us tell him to email me, we'd love to have him

Other than myself and our big douche 1B we played great. We then took it to the bar where we also played great and won the bar game, I think.. I'm starting to think that there is nothing we are capable of losing. At this point in the game Relax is even better at fun than everyone.
This week we play the Teabaggers, as always it'll be fun to play them.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Ok folks. The blog is officially out of control. Look, I like to have fun just like the rest of you. In fact, MORE than most of you. However, I am 28 years old (ouch!) and most of you are somewhat near my age. It is RIDICULOUSLY inappropriate to be writing any word that your mom would wash your mouth out with soap for at the age of 5. This blog is PUBLIC. Aka, anyone could potentially find it and see what you wrote. (ex: your boss, your mom, your future wife, etc) Any body parts, any cuss words, much less seriously talking smack about fellow kickballers is NOT allowed. Obviously making fun of Dre in good fun is allowed but let's be real here folks.

Most of us have real jobs and are "grown ups." Please start to act like one or your blog posts will be removed.


Better Red than Blue Balls

A tie against a solid Capital team (Bachelors) followed by a bye week
means we haven't lost in two full weeks. This whole not losing thing
is a bit weird.

During a miraculous 5th inning rally against the Bachelors, a teammate
asked if "I smelled that." It smelled of sweat and LoneStar. This was,
apparently, the scent of "comeback." I always figured comeback would
smell of Lavender & Vanilla. I am kind of disappointed. I only hope
that winning smells like a Country Meadow or Jasmine & White Rose.

During our bye week, the two other winless Capital teams decided to
step their game up and pull ahead of us in the standings. That's cool;
we'll save the winning for playoffs... I hope.

This week we play Hannah Montana's XXX tape. We plan on making a
sequel on the field tonight, only to a jury of our peers, it'll
probably only be referred to as "Exhibit A." All we're saying is that
we'll be these sensual fellows in the video; Hannah will be our

Weiner of the Week

For those of you who don’t know, this award is reserved for the player(s) on the other team or your team who redefines the word “power-douche”. Whether it’s a girl getting too drunk or a dude who is just way too pro’ed out. So without further adieu the winner of the Wiener of the Week award is… Amog and the Jiminy Kickits. From what I hear, Amog lost it on the pitchers mound from the first bunt from BCBC (bunting is allowed) to the end of the game when he refused to shake the other teams hands. At one point, Amog threw his sunglasses on the ground, walked back onto the pitchers mound leaving them there, and then pondered why it was so bright. A BCBC player even picked up the fabulous shades and hung them on the fence for him, how nice. At the end of the game, in his most embarrassing 6th grade fit of rage, Amog kicked the ball from the mound over the backstop and had to run and get it. Just sad to watch such a breakdown of a normally reasonable team. The Jiminy Kickets were butt-hurt the entire game (and clearly still are after seeing their GMOT) and made it really un-fun for people to play and witness. What, would you have preferred BCBC take it EASY on you? Pshhh, that's what I thought. Guys, you were #1 in Live last week, there was no excuse for you losing, you beat yourselves. Please never take kickball (the elementary school game) that seriously ever again, remember perspective - we are all there to have a good time, and join Capitol already so you can fit in with a few other notorious sore losers. 

We can’t be everywhere at once so if you see someone actin’ a fool (hitting girls hard with the ball, being too drunk at the bar, screaming at an official/the other team, or if someone just flat out rubs you the wrong way) please email 'The Mug' the story with a name to jr0780@hotmail.com

Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors

Thorz Day stared into eternity, and eternity blinked.  In a universe of infinite possibilities eventually the room full of monkeys with typewriters is going to produce the entire works of shakespeare, which I think we can all agree is an apt metaphor for our inexplicable loss last week.*

Relax has offered to make this a training game and answer questions as we go along, so I've prepared a few before we start.

#1  Is it hard to talk with no chin?
#2  Seriously though, your team name a (BANNED SUBJECT DELETED) reference, right?
#3  Where can we buy those jerseys so we can all be as cool as your 1B?
#4  Why can't I quit you?
#5  Does this look infected?

I'm sure I'll think of some more once we hit the field, but feel free to educate us in the comments section.

*Seriously though y'all were awesome, great win.  Of course, in the words of Matt Lienart, "I still think we're the better team."**
**No I don't.

RELAX and Let it Happen

Well we came, we saw, we conquered. Last week was business as usual, minus a pinata, flip cup table, and cookie cake. The Walks put up a good fight going down 2-0. Bless their hearts they just don't have the offense to compete, doesn't mean we didn't have a great time though Walks. Plus I think it's the first time I've ever seen a ref walk off the field, that was incredible, I mean I knew Dre could complain, but that was impressive. 
Relax is excited about this week's game because I think it's the first time we've ever played the artist formerly known as UKP, even though they've been in the league for 2 or 3 seasons they've somehow managed to avoid us. Well all of the adonis talk, national championship talk, and quality gmot entries later we finally face off. They come into this game on a two game losing streak which doesn't look good, because if you can't beat everyone else in the league let's be honest how do you really expect to compete with us? We are going to use this game as a training game so Bachelors feel free to ask questions as we go, we're happy to help!


We took the field, hoping for a fun kickball game,
Knowing the sport was enjoyed from Hawaii to Carolina.
Thoughts of kicking, running, and scoring flew through our minds.
We had no idea our opponent would play like a huge gaping (word removed by blog administrator)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Grupo Dangeroso

Grupo - we CAN do more than drink!

Well, our team motto used to be "Winless in kickball, undefeated in life" but that's going to have to change because we finally got our first win! We decided long ago that there weren't nearly enough theme days in this league, so we took it upon ourselves to change that...even if no one else does. This week was Pirates, so armed with eye patches, swords, and most importantly, rum, we got a 7-4 victory, and it was against a Capital Team! We'd like to dedicate our win to the power poll writer(s) for deservedly keeping us out of last place this season and also fueling our competitive fire with all of your non-believer talk - we hope we did you proud this week (also, we think this calls for a move up the ladder)!

We're now on a quest to start a winning streak, and we invite you to come out and cheer, sing, heckle the other team, drink in our dugout, volunteer to take our weekly group pic, send good vibes our way, or just come hang out - seriously, we dare you not to like us! Also, this is for Eric, our team DJ - Don't Stop Believin'...WE DIDN'T!

Walk of Shame

Last Thursday's game against Relax...hold up, ENCROACHMENT AGAIN? Ok well anyways, we were playing really well and...ENCROACHMENT!!!! Ah hell. Like I was saying though, the 2-0 defeat was a bitter pill to swallow, but the admirable effort showed where the Walks stand in this leag---ENCROACHMENT!!! Dammit.

Super. Well now that the ref has quit mid-GMoT, I can continue. So a first inning run gave Relax a boost of confidence, but their offense was completely shutdown following that...until ENCROACHMENT!!! Yeah. That was the other run. Walks had some base runners, a few chances to score and ended up with Jay owing Alex two shots following the game for betting against the Walks offense (never a wise choice). Tough break to end the game as Tanker was a step too slow to beat a throw home that would've brought it to 2-1 with Bruce on 2nd, but the point was made. Playing without about 9 players, the Walks came thisclose to victory (or at least a tie) against the the best the league has to offer.

This week: Candy Van. Hopefully we have enough globetrotters to play. Got one coming back from Germany and one from Switzerland, France, Belgium, Italy and about 12 other countries. Candy Van is praying for late arrivals/no shows because they know what's coming for them. 

Watch out, Live. Walks are on a mission for ring No. 2.

See you Thursday,

P.S., just some advice for all the pitchers in the league: DON'T encroach. It's strictly enforced.
P.S.S. Lundy/Val/Tom are going down. And since you like to wear the apparel from the opposing captain's alma mater, I just want you to know that Huston-Tillotson's rival is Wiley College. Our gut is telling us they probably don't have a bookstore, and certainly not one online. 

Kick in a Box

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?  IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?  (cue the Gladiator music)  http://youtu.be/FsqJFIJ5lLs  We didn’t want to do it, but you didn’t leave us much choice.  21-0 may have been a bit excessive, and in all honesty, the game got out of hand so quickly that we didn’t have time to realize it, so our apologies do go out to the opposing team.  No harm meant, we really are supporters of Plan B (pun intended).  That said, the real blame should fall on Mr./Ms. Power Poll Master.  You expressed your disappointment in us, you threatened our weekly poll position, and you had to go out and get our captain all riled up.  He may or may not have borrowed one of Jay’s motivational videos, called a practice during the bye week, possbily even had the team running wind sprints, but at least it finally got us to flex some muscle.  Shit, you even got us to submit a GMOT entry for the first time in...ever?
Our schedule has been a little tricky so far, easily the toughest Live schedule outside of the Walks 4 Weeks From Hell (man, they did y’all dirty, did you guys switch leagues and piss some people off or something?)  But we make NO EXCUSES (Hi Dre :)  2 losses though, by a total of 3 runs, to 2 teams from the top half of the Capital table, is nothing to be ashamed of.  And don’t forget the other Capital team we did knock off.  2 words for you:  battle-tested.  We’ve been around long enough to know that a pretty little 8-0 or 7-1 regular season record doesn’t win you shit.  We’ve got our sights set on one thing, and one thing only:  playoffs.  PLAYOFFS?!?  http://youtu.be/p3-eavMSBnk  Yes, playoffs.  Now we know Hannah is legit, and Where My Pitches At? and Red Rockets have been looking good.  We know the Walks are still the top dogs...for now.  But KickInABox as the 8th best team in Live???  Said in a voice just like everyone’s favorite foul ball dropping first baseman, “C’MON SON!!!”  


I have a dream that one day this team will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "Everything is better in the Candy Van."

I have a dream that one day on the fields of Gillis, the players of Candy Van and the former players of Candy Van will be able to sit down together and mock all other teams for not being as awesome as us.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Texas, a state sweltering with the heat of drunkenness, sweltering with the heat of the debilitating hangover that follows that drunkenness, will be transformed into an oasis of creepiness and damn good kickball.

I have a dream that my little Candy Van teammates will one day play in a league where they will not be judged by the color of their shirt but by how well they play even when intoxicated.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, on the Walk of Shame sideline, with its cocky players, with its captain having his lips dripping with the words of "dominance" and "we don't lose to teams captained by girls" -- one day right there on that sideline little Candy Van boys and Candy Van girls will be able to point and laugh at little Walk of Shame boys and Walk of Shame girls as we show them what pain and suffering feels like.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every game shall be exalted, and every base and base path shall be made clear, the kicks we make will go far, and the runs will be piled on; "and the glory of the Candy Van shall be revealed and all the league shall see it together."

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to Gillis Park with.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Varsity Brews

Well, what can we say, but man that was an awesome win.  We finished the game 13-3.  The bachelor/bachelorette party was a huge success, even if we didn’t have any strippers out there.  However, we did have plenty of boob and penis themed decorations and food.  The boob cupcakes were a success and any that our team didn’t finish players from other teams were more than willing to help out.  The penis cake sure did look like he could use a towel, which is maybe why no guy would have a slice of it, even though once you cut the slice, it just looked like regular cake, not a giant penis.

So we have co-MVPs for this game.  Ashley definitely had her greatest kickball game to date.  She made some key plays out there in the field, and made it to base every time she was up to bat.  Chris “The Bachelor” kicked his first every kickball home run.  Next time we see him, he’ll be a married man.  Chris, don’t spend all your energy on the honeymoon, we need you to have enough left over for some more home runs when you get back.  Matt “plays always at first” Russo got some big RBIs to help with our domination over Capital.

To the guys who make the standings.  While we’re super happy to be back on the list (as we should be with a 13-3 win against a Capital Team) our point was simply that GIRLS CAN CATCH THE BALL.  In last week’s standing you implied that the only team in Live that had a girl that could catch was Booze on the Green and that even they just had the one girl that could actually catch.  Our point is you simply may want to open your eyes a bit.  There are plenty of girls out there each and every week who can catch a friggin ball.  Turns out they are normally caught with two arms and zero penis. I know, shocking.  I have yet to see even a dude out there grab a fly ball with his scholong.

Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors

Last week's game was 4 innings of well executed and formidable defense followed by one inning of baffling ineptitude and comic missteps.  The Bachelors have never been much of an offensive power house but we did manage to put 3 on the board, and when you take a 3-0 lead into the bottom of the 5th you've got to feel pretty good about your chances.  "Pshaw!" we collectively said. "We can totally blow this, even if they can't get a ball out of the infield!"  And blow it we did, ending up with a 3-3 tie.

They say a tie is like kissing your sister, which I never understood.  When Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors kiss their sister, it means we're kissing Nate's sister right?  She's totally hot.  I'd way rather do that than tie a kickball game.

This week we're playing Thorz Day, who have always been a blast to play with the last couple of seasons.  We're gonna be severely shorthanded with key parts of the roster either out of town, held up with work obligations, or dying of the plague, but that just means those of us on the field will have to drink enough to make up for those that are missing.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Never expected,
Gonna be a kickballer,
Give me balls to kick.

You run 'til the end,
Up on a cloud of ecstasy,
Never want to stop.

Gonna drink my beer,
Let out a boisterous yell,
You gotta go hard.

Down but never out,
Never gonna let you go,
Gonna kick that ball.

Run from base to base,
Around the diamond we go,
And score one for us!

Desert is field three,
You aren't even aware that
You just got Rick Roll'd!

RELAX and Let it Happen

We're baaaaaaaaaaack! After two weeks off we finally get to come back to Gillis Park this week. Much will be made of this week's game against Walk of Shame. People will talk about "the rivalry". I would just like to clear this up, Relax doesn't have any rivals because no one competes with us. The best comparison for this "rivalry" would be the Texas/Texas Tech "rivalry." It is much bigger on the Tech side, no Texas fan really takes Tech seriously. Tech's where you go if you want to be a whore or a fratastic party boy. To Texas the Tech game in any sport is just another game, UT was 5-7 last year, won one game in the Big 12 South and guess who it was against? If you said Tech you're right. It's not that we don't like you, I mean who doesn't love the two things mentioned above from time to time, but lets just call this what it is...casual sex. It's just another W for Relax. I know there's those fans out there saying "well what about when Tech won with Crabtree?" well you're right there is always that one time... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khauvdb_f8A. 
Dre my coaching didn't stop when Camp Relax ended, here are a couple pieces you can use in the locker room before the game: Walk's Fly Together http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyVF1glhAfk&feature=related and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZR9SQj272Y&feature=related. Now for that extra motivational touch, have your team watch this at least 3 times each and you'll win: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj5X612bqrQ&feature=related

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Team Easy!

You know that moment just after incredible, mind-blowing sex?  You’re euphoric, light-headed, on Cloud 9.  For those few moments life just couldn’t get any better.  But then as you’re lying there in the bed of a Ford Ranger behind a 7-11 you think, “Damn, how *could* it get better than this?”  And so you start to worry.  Have you hit the pinnacle of your sexual escapades so young in life?  How are you going to  top this?  It’s a scary feeling.

Well, that’s exactly how I feel after last week’s pink-off.  If you didn’t notice the rowdiness transpiring in the Pepto-Bismol-colored corner of Gillis last week, then I commend you for how wasted you must have been for being able to block out our debauchery.  There was more pink than Barbarella Glitoris night, gallons pink panty-dropping juice, a few floated kegs, and plenty of women’s attire worn by both sexes.  Not to mention we all woke up the next morning with covered pink star stamps that proved immune to soap, water, and alcohol. 

But back to my point, after all that madness, how do we top ourselves?  There was mention of strippers and a bounce house at second base.  However, we realized that strippers would probably go unnoticed with as much nudity that occurs each week.  And the bounce house was shot down when someone mentioned that other teams are apparently at Gillis to play, kickball?  We hadn’t noticed but we’re taking their word for it.

So here we are, in awkward silence next to the random in the bed of an abandoned pick-up truck wondering, what’s next?  I guess we’ll just have to step up the potency of our PPD juice and let the Easies work their magic!

Where My Pitches At?

I don’t think I have seen a pre party like the one last week before, that’s right, “Where my Pitches at?” & “Hannah Montana” really knows how to throw it down… Between Jenn and Tommy, we had well over 100 Jello shots, the infamous “Flip Cup Table #3” and a keg!! I don’t know if it gets any better than that…I did see other teams trying to compete, and by “trying” I mean, they had pony kegs, umm yeah, everyone can’t be “Ballers” like us, try again…

It must have been the Jello, because in no time our game had started and we were first up to kick. I must first say, “Morgan, learn how to pitch…You throw like a girl…” We ended up losing due to some dropped pop fly’s in the outfield and some kicks that weren’t the best, probably due to the pitching! All in all, we had FUN! We took that game as practice and will defiantly feel sorry for the team we play this week!!

Walk of Shame

Walk of Shame Injury Report (7/12/11) vs. Relax and Let it Happen

Andrew Tanker (Broken wrist)
Bruce Pomerleau (Full body skin graft)
Dre Rodgers (Extra foot bone)
Rich Avila (Staples in dome)

Ryan Hazlett (Misplaced manhood)
Alex Gregarin (Loyalty?)
Louis Huynh (PokerStars.com addiction)
Erin S.F. Shirley (Rehab)
Slob (Possible grudge match vs. Rafael Nadal)

Kerry Ramsey (Hip)
Leeho (Achilles/Hamstring/Knee/Foot/Ankle/Hip/Stomach ache/Rib/Heart/Allergies/Dry, itchy eyes/Bug bites/Exhaustion/Heat/Teeth sensitive to cold liquids/Can't find his left sock/Laundry is still dirty/Drive is too far)
Abby Dalgleish (Foreign affair)
Jonah Mankovsky (Volleyball)
John Butler (MBA)
Casey Mogk (Who ever knows?)

Sons of Pitches

This past week was America Week and the Sons of Pitches were all "F*ck Yeah!" about it. We cheerfully dressed up with the all American colors of Red, White and Blue. There were shinny necklaces, tiaras, and body paint all up and down our magnificent bodies as we came prepared to do some damage. Unfortunately that damage just happened to be in the form of getting drunk. We had frozen Margaritas out of a plastic tub, jello shots in Dixie cups and our normal supply of beer. Well this all sounds wonderful and exciting it did not help with our game of kickball as we also tasted defeat this week. We started off on a strong foot by getting two runs in the very first inning but from there it went downhill. We tried our best and put all of our hearts into it but our opponents Just Kick It were on top of their game and brought us down. The final at the end of the game was 4 to 2.
It was a great game and fun was had by all (maybe too much fun) and we closed the night by sharing some very watery jello shots as we are all Americans... F*ck Yeah!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Candy Van vs. Team Easy


The two out of control pink teams with questionable morals and failing livers will face off tonight on Field 1 at 8pm. Who will prevail? Obviously the drunkest and sleeziest team.



Hey kickball lovers!! Our team has gotten accepted to the kickball games in VEGAS! WHAT UP! As a result we've got to try to win a bunch of stuff. However, obviously that will be super easy for us. :)

Please LIKE our facebook page and help us be more awesome!!

The Bachelors

The Bachelors are considerate lovers, which is why we always start slow and gentle, but we always finish strong enough to leave you seeing stars with a ringing in your ears.  So it was with Cameron's cadre of cantankerous* cohorts.  

You've gotta give a little before you take, and we let them round the bases a couple of times in the first inning just to get the blood pumping.  After that?  Shut down D, nobody was going anywhere.  Catcher Todd "Two Ds" Mattocks toyed with weiner-of-the-week status by encouraging our highly eligible pitcher at max volume from a distance of about 3 feet behind the batters, and outfielder Ryan Ebanks sacrificed his body to lay down an EPSPN highlight reel catch in shallow left.  We tied it up in the 4th, took them 3 and out in the top of the 5th, and got ready to close.

Enter game MVP: Marie Long.  Marie has long been known as the speediest of speedsters, and her speedy speed was showcased as she was almost thrown out at first after driving one to deep left. We advance the runners on a bunt, move her into scoring position on a drive to center, and suddenly were sitting with 1 out and runners on the corners.  Jackie Hatfield lays down the sweetest of bunts down the first baseline, the defenders move to get the force at 1st, and then it happens.  My personal belief is that Marie tapped into the speed force, much like the Flash did in order to defeat Braniac and Lex Luthor. 

Never has someone moved with such alacrity, such aquiline grace, such Usain Boltage as Marie as she raced towards victory.  The outcome was never in question.  Unfortunately she may never be able to go fast again.  If she does, I don't think she's coming back.

Tonight we rock the early game against Better Red Than Blue Balls.  America will be represented, and The Bachelors will prevail.

*They weren't cantankerous, I just really like that word and alliteration is fun.

Varsity Brews

Well, the most important thing to say is that we will be hosting a Wakalicious Bachelor/Bachelorette party on Field 2 at 6:15. There will be penis paraphernalia, boob paraphernalia, and hopefully some Waka players getting into the spirit and stripping for our Bachelor and Bachelorette.  If you are short on some cash, and don't mind singles, come on by and "say hi" to our soon to be betrothed couple (aka give them a show!).  It is their very last game before they tie the knot. Oh, and Off in Left Field - anyone who throws out a bride on her Waka Bachelorette party is officially an a-hole. I'm just sayin'.
MVP of last week's game most definitely went to Ricara "holy cow did that just happen" P.  She caught a deep right ball and made it look like a toddler tossed it to her.  Well done lady.  Emily "the author of Varsity Brews GMOT entries so it's hard to write about how awesome I am because I want to pretend to be humble" H. kicked an in the park home run.  I don't care if the home run was due to a combination of base coach error and fielder error, I still kicked a home run.  Too bad I was so busy celebrating just getting to home base that it took one of my team mates pointing it out to realize that I had been the one to kick myself home.  Fair warning, I will probably talk about my moment of glory (aka a home run) for the rest of my kickball career.  I'm that guy.

Grupo Strikes Back!

So no hard feelings or anything, but since we are getting poked fun of, we will definitely be poking back......and not in a good way, muhahahaha!  So it was written in the power poll for the awful waffles:

"The Grup" has not shown much of anything this season, other than they can drink, enjoy your victory.  What about our team spirit? Our friendly attitudes, and willingness to put out...........amazing pre-game dance moves?  Don't be jealous that we are having more fun than any other team here!  Everyone wishes their team was as good looking and full of awesome people like ours!  What is this league really about? I thought it was about drinking, partying, drinking, making new friends.......drinking.  Oh yeah, and kickball!  
To sum up this rant, our team can kick your teams ass!!  Maybe not in kickball, or in wrestling, or underwater basketweaving, but definitely in drinking, dancing and having a kickass super awesome time!

Be afraid awful waffles!

P.s.  this is from Grupo Dangeroso.....and seriously no hard feelings. :)  love y'all!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Walk of Shame

What a week. 

Up 4-0 with three outs to go and the Walks decided to turn into total and complete nuclear meltdown mode. WTF was that all about? It was all smooth sailing until one out in the 5th inning. Three hundred sixteen errors later, we clung to a one-run lead and two players were in the hospital. For those who didn't see, the collision came on a bunt to first with JB on base...the out was made at first and in came the throw home to try and end the game, but BAM! JB runs straight through our battered and bruised catcher's head (a slide/duck/ side step/jump/dive/spin move/R1 button/anything else might be advised next time?). At least Rich can always say, "Yeah I got staples89 in my head, but you should see the other guy!" Following the play, chaos ensued. There was blood, guts and brain spilling out all over home plate, both girls and guys ripping their shirts off and general lawlessness all around Field 1. I'm pretty sure Rocky Balboa's cut man was even there tending to the bloody eye.

Anyways, after things settled down, the Walks closed it out and stayed on top of the world. I have no memory of what happened before the blood started pouring, so props to all Walks who did something good. Shame on those who didn't (pun intended). 

One down, three to go. 

Up next, the game of the year against the Teabaggers. The rivalry ended up with a total score of 1-1 last year in two games, but this year is different. The Walks are simply superior. In every position. In every way. The game is so huge, Gus Johnson is coming down for the play-by-play and Dicky V and Digger Phelps are on the color commentary. Tune in to the Ocho for complete coverage starting at 8:30 p.m. CST.

See you Thursday.

RELAX and Let it Happen

What a great turn out we had this past weekend at Camp Relax!!! Dre it was my pleasure to teach you how to construct a line up that doesn't max out @ 6 runs/game, Stephen after the hour you spent with GMOT expert JG the sky is the limit for your creativity, and finally Barrett, I really hope that Dave's breathing exercises and yoga experience will release that hatred of white people and women that you hold so close to your heart. I truly feel like the teams in attendance are not only better people, but also better kickball players. 



Where My Pitches At?

Awesome job last week.. 8-2! It should have been more, but whatevs! Big shout out to Jen for the amazing double play and Adam for the amazing save in the outfield. Just a few highlights from our fearless leader! This week we play, Hannah. We tied them last season, so let’s pull it together and whoop em this season. That’s right Morgan, you are going down! All in all, this should be a fun game, flip cup, jello shots, and some music to keep the party rolling….

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors

This is a week of questions.  Who are these enigmatic men and women known as the Bachelors? How do I get Nate Fox's phone number? Does it even matter who they're playing? What is that warm tingly feeling I get in my nethers whenever this team walks by? Where do they get those wonderful toys? How is it possible for such a concentration of talent, speed, athleticism, wit, charm, physical beauty, and excellent oral hygiene to exist on one kickball field without the entire park collapsing into a supermassive black hole of sexiness and kickball prowess?

We're back.  Our star shines so bright that Relax has decided to take two weeks off to avoid having to watch our brilliance, lest they be blinded by it.

This week's opponent makes a poignant observation in their team name: it's not going to kick itself.  You can all rest easy.  We're gonna kick it for you.

Sons of Pitches

For some reason the Red Better than Blue Balls thought they could take their frustrations out on us this week. Now we may not be mentioned in the "power polls" but those who know Sons of Pitches will tell you we are not a team to take lightly. Yes we drink a little, yes we can be loud, and yes we even heckle our own team members but we come to kickball every Thursday to have fun and play a little kickball. With that being said we do try to play the best our inebriated bodies will allow and on many occasions we do succeed and last night was one of those sweet victories. As for the prediction from the press release that Red Balls would conquer us... well we proved that one wrong didn't we :)
To be fair it was a well played game that could have gone either way but our defense held back possible runs with quick throws and well caught balls. We reorganized our players this week and had amazing results. Our pitching and catching were spot on and will only improve from here out. Our infield players held it down with amazing back up support from our outfielders. We were losing in the beginning of the game 1-0 but we not only had good defense but had good offense as well. In one amazing inning we were able to get home a married couple (with awesome socks) and a newbie (very valuable one). We did allow one more run in by Red Balls at the bottom of the last inning but held on to win with our awesome defense. The Red Balls were a good team and we had fun playing them. But a word of the wise, don't judge a team just because they are not mentioned because we are The Sons of Pitches and we just made you our B*tches :)

P.S.- "red balls" you weren't mentioned in the polls either


The cheers needed no translator,
The thrill of victory couldn't be greater.
     After a hard fought bout,
     Kelly 2 caught the final out,
And we didn't fall like that bitch Bradley Slater.

The game was kickball, field three was the place.
Memories of the win, we would always embrace,
     But like an undying ember,
     We will always remember,
The time Bradley Slater fell flat on his face.

We showed up to booze and kick some balls,
Not much offense, but defense like a wall.
      From Amog's mind we rose,
      But everybody knows,
Knox is the best captain and GMOT author of all.

We swarm the field like a drunk horde,
A few runs here and there we have scored.
     But something isn't right,
     We lack a bit of fight,
Because we are without a team mom and clipboard.

There was once a team from "Town Lake,"
Opposing team morale they often shake.
     But their one fatal flaw,
     Was their inclination to jaw,
And now jokes about rape we can't make.

Hannah Montana

Drinking, pitches and stitches, oh my. Last week's game was pretty epic. After being down by four runs, Hannah came back for a rally in the last inning. The forward momentum for a comeback was in full force until BAM - collision at home plate. Fifteen stitches and an ER trip later, JB was unphased and ready for a drink at Egos. Now he's left with a full prescription of Vicodin [currently accepting offers] and three teammates with blood-stained t-shirts.

So while we may not have won, and in turn remain out of the No. 1 seed, our battle wounds are so much better. Just check out the gruesome photos of JB's eye. Totally worth the loss .. or at least that's how we'll justify it for now.