Friday, August 22, 2014

Responses to Summer 2014 Survey Comments!

Hey Folks!

Did this a few seasons ago, and it's time to bring it back! I really really value your feedback (both positive and negative!) in the surveys as it helps to focus attention on what needs to be improved about the league, where your priorities are, and what we're doing well! What follows are a few excerpts from your survey comments, followed by how it's being addressed! Feel confident that your surveys are read and valued. I high five myself when I read a good one, and sometimes cry myself to sleep when someone tells me I am LITERALLY HITLER. Here we go:

"I enjoy Saturday playoffs much more than Thursdays."

This is not an uncommon sentiment! While Parks & Rec has repeatedly declined to give us Gillis Park on a Saturday citing the need to keep neighborhood parks available for neighborhood use on the weekends, Gillis is not the only option. I'm going to look into holding the playoffs at South Austin Recreation Center just down the street on a Saturday, a solution that's worked out very well for us in the past! Stay tuned for more updates on this.

"I will keep repeating this, so you know how much we enjoy it. I love the no bye weeks."

For those of you who have never experienced bye weeks, in the past TX Live would accept as many teams as we could possible register, necessitating a few teams having a bye each week as there just wasn't enough room and time for everyone to get a game in. I now limit registration to 18 teams each season to give us our nice, neat, 3 field / 3 time slot schedule at Gillis, and haven't continually gotten overwhelmingly positive feedback about it. This will not be changing, you can count on your no bye weeks! THAT BEING SAID, there will still be instances where external events force us to take a bye week such as SXSW, a major holiday falling on a Thursday, or for example October 9 this season will be a bye week as 4 teams will be in Vegas for WAKAPalooza Weekend.

"Please keep enforcing dogs MUST BE ON LEASH. There is one medium sized dog that is never on a leash and it's very disruptive to my dog who is."

This is a great reminder of the Gillis Park policies which are in place. It DOES NOT MATTER how good your dog is off leash, some dogs are more introverted and can be fearful or distressed by your friendly off-leash dog running up to it while it's stuck on a leash and getting up in their business. It's a leash-only park and everyone should be able to bring their pup without having to worry about whether another owner who is breaking the rules is going to ruin their dog's night. I'm going to be much more diligent about enforcing paper forfeits for violations of this next season.

"Less Facebook. More Email and/or Google+ for communication."

This is a tricky wicket. While I would love to send you guys an update every time there's something worth sharing, getting a ton of emails from your league rep is viewed as very spammy by a lot of people. The one email a week format is what we've settled on as sufficient to get the info out without being too annoying. Google+ is not something I've looked into before, but since this isn't the first time I've gotten that request I think it's time to explore what this G+ thing is all about. Hopefully I can link posts across multiple platforms so that I don't have to post everything 3 times? Will update soon. Also up for consideration is using the GMOT blog as a platform to do a weekly post recapping the week that I'd write over the weekend. This way we get more content and communication without overloading peoples inboxes, and I don't get a flood of OMG UNSUBSCRIBE ME JERK emails.

"I never learned about league parties until a couple of days before (other than the boat party) and usually could not go with such short notice."

This is a big one! The dates for our league parties are set BEFORE THE LEAGUE EVER STARTS. If you go check out the league website right now you'll see September 27 and November 22 marked as our party dates. This info is also included on the social schedule given to your captains at the captains meeting the day before the season starts. A Facebook event is usually created 2-3 weeks prior to the event and the party details are noted in the weekly league emails for the two weeks leading up to the party. Do yourself a favor and go mark those dates down on your calendar NOW so you know you won't miss them!

"I really dislike Gibson as the team bar", "DO NOT HOLD POST GAME AT GIBSONS.", "We need a new bar.", " I love Gibsons as a bar but it's not very big to fit the whole league.", "Too many freaking seasons at Gibson = lame."

So I'm hearing that you guys love Gibson and want to stay there forever, right? JAY KAY. Message received, action taken: this season we will be partying after games at Midway Field House located at 2015 E. Riverside Dr. This is a full-on large-scale dedicated sports bar with TVs everywhere, TONS of parking (check out this parking map), lots of room, and I've negotiated some KILLER specials. $1 PBR, $2 Miller Lite, $3 well cocktails, and an as-yet TBD special on Dewar's Highland Honey which will be settled on later. The only thing about Thursday nights in the Fall is a little thing called Thursday Night Football, which means that place is going to be HOPPING every week! We'll be concentrating our presence in the upstairs area where we can pretty much take over (enough WAKA jerseys in one place and people just get out of the way), and you dog owners can enjoy the fenced patio outside the bar where there will likely be an inflatable screen for the game. Good? Good.

"The policies are something that should be enforced all of the time, not just when it is convenient or inconvenient for Stephen. There are weekly occasions when people use random substitutes from outside of the league and their team to meet minimum requirements."

For the past 5 seasons or so, TX Live has had the following league policy listed on the league website: 
  • Substitutions are allowed in regular season games ONLY when fewer than the minimum number of players are available (4 men and 4 women), and ONLY as many subs as is necessary to reach the minimum. No subs are permitted during the playoffs.
This policy was enacted to prevent teams from being forced to forfeit games when short a girl, which was happening all too often, and the minimum number of women on each roster was also increased to 6 to address the same issue. Forfeits = everyone's least favorite thing in the world. Worse than hitting your funny bone, or getting a sweaty hug from Stephen, or getting slobbered on by one of Rock's giant Newfoundlands. However, this policy was also enacted when Live was explicitly a Social Only league with no Founders Cup eligibility. With the dissolution of the Capital league due to poor enrollment, Live was made FC Eligible so that at least one league could send our best and brightest to Vegas every year, and it may be time to re-examine this policy. Removing this league policy and adhering to the standard WAKA policies throughout the regular season will almost certainly lead to an increase in games forfeited, but this commenter is absolutely right that having inconsistency in the application of policies is questionable in a league where a good percentage of our players enjoy playing in a competitive manner and wish to have the level playing field that the rules are intended to provide.

In fairness to those who are keen on having things by the books (and this is not asking a lot at all from those who couldn't care less), the following policies are going to be adhered to for the Fall season:
  • Substitute players will not be permitted at all. Your players must be registered and on your roster. If you're pretty sure that an ineligible player is playing, feel free to challenge it, I can check their ID and reference it against my player roster from my phone.
  • Kicking orders will be exchanged prior to each game. This is a simple matter of writing a second copy of your kicking order down on a scrap of paper and handing it to the other captain, and will give you the ability to do something about it if your opponent is being a fun-sucking filthy cheater and kicking out of order to gain a competitive advantage.
  • WAKA shirts of the appropriate color must be worn for a player to be eligible. You can modify your shirt to your heart's content so long as you don't obscure the logo or make it the same color as another team. This will resolve problems like having two navy blue teams playing each other or having a guy hanging out in the infield that you thought was a ref because he was wearing the wrong color shirt field the ball you kicked at him.
ADDITIONAL NEW POLICY I'M TRYING THIS SEASON

The balance between competitive teams and "just for fun" teams waxes and wanes from season to season, but it's safe to say that we have heavy enough elements of both in this league and enough teams to justify separating them. This has been tried before, and unfortunately culminated in a "competitive" division of only 3 teams, and a bunch of really really good teams pot hunting in the lower division for easier wins. Here's what we're going to try out this season: two 8 team divisions with independent schedules and inedepent playoff brackets. Only the upper division will be FC eligible and win a trophy, the lower division winner will be rewarded with bubble wands and a bar tab. How will it be decided who will be in what divisions? Why, you of course! And no, you will not be saying "we want to be in this division". Once the teams are set, all of the captains will be asked to rank every team in the league #1-18. I'll provide basic stats for each team like years they've ben together, past championships, and last season's results so if you're not familiar you can make an educated ranking. These rankings will be averaged to find a fair, peer-assessed ranking and the top 8 teams will be put in the upper division with the bottom 8 teams in the lower division. You'll play every team in your division exactly once over the course of the season. Elegant! Simple! Will it work out? I hope so!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Rainouts are the WORST. Looking at today's forecast and seeing more potential 'scattered thunderstorms' (the same forecast we've had the last couple of times that we got goddamn monsoons on Thursday nights), I can't help but remember the feeling of crushing disappointment I've gotten everytime that I've stood out on Gillis Park half an hour before games are supposed to start, WILLING the rain to stop, and it just doesn't work.


I start with stoic patience, the belief that it's gonna stop, we're not gonna get rained out.


This in turn becomes anger. How DARE this rain fall!?



But ultimately reality sets in, and I become overwhelmed with sadness.


Leading to resignation and the complete death of my spirit.




Then again, it's only a 40% chance today. Maybe it won't rain! My reaction would be a bit different if presented with actual kickball games tonight.




CANDY VAN - TX Live

Let's keep this GMOT simple, shall we?

Babe Truth:

I DRINK IT UP.


Purplesaurus:

EAT A DICK.


BOOYA.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

P.E. Credit - TX Republic

We participated like champions last night, coming up with the W in the bar games


As well as a W in our Red vs Blue matchup with SKEET SKEET
Artist's rendition.
Now that the semester is over, we just need Tom to sign off on this sheet to give us our grade. From what he tells me, you gotta give him a BJ to get an A+, a handie only gets you an A. 

CANDY VAN - TX Live

This is how I felt about the Purple off being rained out last week:


This is how I feel about a 6:30 game:


This is how I feel about the weather this morning:


This is how I feel about the theme (even though it's exactly *5* months until Christmas, STEPHEN):


This is how Stephen feels about basic math:


This is just my life view in general:


This too:


LOVE,
CANDY VAN

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

This first part goes out to you, Tom. Yes, YOU. Mister “8 to 1”… Mister “Heat so Weak”… Mister “They don’t stand a chance”. 8-1? Eight to ONE??? You know what I say to you, sir?

That’s what.

“Wait a minute,” you say. “So was it a close game?” Uhhhh, HELL YES. I said last week that every game we play against Hannah can be nail bitingly epic, and this week was no different. No less than three or four times Hannah had players either rounding third base or just a few steps from home plate. It was good defense - and some fantastic throws – that kept this from being the 8-1 game predicted, or at least a tie game.

For the second time this season, we’re going up against SMK. We’ve been going strong lately, and we plan on keeping our momentum going this week and into the start of playoffs! There won’t be a repeat of Game 1!

Thursday, July 17, 2014

CANDY VAN - TX Live

From days of long ago, from uncharted regions of the universe, comes a legend. The legend of Candy Van: Purpliest of the Purple. A mighty team, loved by good, feared by evil.

As Candy Van's legend grew, envy spread across the league. In Stephen's loins, a new purple team was conceived: Purplesaurus Rex. Alliances shifted and players swapped sides, but the goal to spread purple love throughout the league bonded these teams. Together with Candy Van, they strived to spread purple love throughout the universe until a new horrible menace (jealousy of Candy Van's purple superiority) threatened the alliance. After a season in a different league, it was clear what TX Live was missing.

Candy Van was needed once more.

This is the story of the superforce of purple creepers, specially trained and sent by Paul Reubens to bring back Candy Van: Purpliest of the Purple.

IT'S A PURPLE OFF.

Anonymous - TX Live

Hey guys, let's do a pyramid picture! Busted, Pitches be Trippin'.

video

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

OK OK…I know I say this every week, but this time it’s doubly-true. Kick James and Faceballs were a TON of fun to play with. It was a great time all around, and both teams had some really awesome players.


 There’s definitely some hidden talent on Kick James and Faceballs, and it's just a few games away from emerging and becoming some team’s nightmare. This week, we’ll be going against Hannah Montana in a super mega, balls-to-da-wall Game of the Week! Our two teams been going at each other for a while now, and each game has been fantastic. I see no reason why this won’t continue this season. For visual reference on potential game epicness, please see below:


 We’ll be looking to keep our mojo going and notch another win in our belt. See you on the field Hannah!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

CANDY VAN - TX Live

Well, we got rained out last week. BUMMER. Most likely the sky crying like a baby because its favorite OG CVers, OMGAMB and OMGJOZ are leaving this fair city to motorboat the mountains of Colorado. I can't blame them, though, because Colorado has some nice scenery (and I'm not just talking about the landscape). I'm guessing they're mostly moving there so they can legally party with Snoop Dogg/Lion. THEY HAVE RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA STORES NOW, GUYS.

This post is obviously all about those weirdos, 'cause we're really going to miss them.

JOZTRON: DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE

Look at these cuties singing Weezer to each other.

SAY IT AIN'T SOOOOOO.

Amber looks great in this photo, but who's that with her in the mustache?

MUSTACHE MUSTACHE MUSTACHE

Luckily, we won a 'ship before they moved away. It'll definitely be hard to do it again without these cuties.

GET IN

First we lost Foxy to Dallas, now we're losing Joz to Colorado, which means the percentage of exposed thigh on the team will be at an all-time low.

'cause AMERICA.

We'll miss you guys. Have fun in Colorado and don't be surprised when all of us show up at your house for snuggle time with Charlotte.

gross

LOVE YOU GUYS.

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Ouch. Once again, it seems like Snappin’ da Base may have bitten off a bit more than we could chew in a 2-5 loss to P.E. Credit last week. It hurt, but it could have hurt a lot worse…..Just ask Brazil. BOOM!

 (…..too soon?)

We started off at a good clip, and things seemed to be going our way. But then everything started to go wrong at exactly the right time.


And I give credit where credit is due. P.E. Credit is an awesome team. It took a little time to get ourselves together, and then we began to rebound, making some great plays and keeping the fight going until the end of the game.

The highlight of the game? A rather bizarre chicken fight at the pitcher’s mound. I can’t exactly remember what started it, or who initiated it. All I know is that it began with a beer can flying through the air…and ended with two grown men wrestling on the ground.


Yeah, it was pretty much like that. This week we have a double-header, going up against Kick James first and then topping off the night with a bout with Faceballs. We’re hungry for some wins and we’ll be aiming to get them this week!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Week 5

This made the rounds back in April, but in case you missed it, this kickball team email that Deadspin posted will forever give significance to Week 5!

Good morning gentlemen,
I'm assuming that when this is read, you'll all be waking up, hence the greeting.
I hope we all had a good time tonight. I certainly did. We have a very talented team. We're most likely going to win out the season, and if not, we'll buck up and win the tournament at the end of the season. We're really that good.
But it's time that I introduce you all to a very important rule, which if we don't follow will cause us the season. It's called the five-week rule.
You'll notice that only the men of [team name] are receiving this email. It's because this rule only applies to you. I know, it's sexist. It's not fair. But it's the way it is.
Winning on the kickball field is based on three things. How well the men play, how well the women play, and if the women show up. Literally, leagues are won and lost on whether or not enough women show up towards the end of the season. Everyone thinks kickball is a great game, they all want to play, then towards the end of the season, attendance tapers off, and you're begging and pleading for people to show up to fill out the team, and it doesn't happen, and you forfeit, and you're pissed, and it sucks. SUCKS.
The main reason for this, is screwing. No joke, you bang some chick, she's ashamed, maybe you sucked at it (none of us, obviously) and she doesn't want to see you, therefore she doesn't show up again.
So, this rule has been created, not to hinder us, but to help the team. Think of it as an extended challenge. The slow roll. The long con.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.
Is that clear enough? I can say it again if necessary, but I think it was pretty clear.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FUCK ANYONE ON THE TEAM UNTIL AFTER WEEK FIVE.
There, I said it again anyway.
Failure to adhere to this rule will result in your exclusion from the lineup, public hatred and disdain, death, dismemberment, ball-kicking (not kickballs), and, on the good side, getting laid. I don't think the latter is worth the former.
Please be a team player, wait a few weeks. If you're that good, it won't matter anyway. Don't break up the team because of your dick.
Thanks,
-H


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Nu Start - TX Live

Well, we're back after another quick brush with the law. Apparently asking your little girl to help daddy get his rocks off is frowned upon? The whole thing was QUITE the ordeal.

We were outplayed by Babe Truth last week, which was rather unfortunate for us. We were aching, even throbbing to win, but they simply handled their balls much better than us and were able to finish strong.


But alas, we will move on to face our next opponents, The Tyrannical Teabaggers, head on. They certainly are a mouthful! Hopefully we won't get caught with our pants down again.


Until then, we'll be putting on our war paint


and singing happy tunes to prepare for our sweaty rendezvous.


'cause you know what they say: if there's grass on the field, play ball!

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Alright! Alright! Snappin’ Da Base has officially gotten our heads on straight! Like our favorite sports movie, we started out with a lovable bunch of inexperienced newbies, and with a bit of coaching and ambition, we have morphed into the kickball team that we always believed we could be.


We believe in you too, coach. We believe in you, too…

Dream Crushers are definitely going to be a team that given the right game, will emerge as a real threat. They kept us focused with some surprisingly quick runners and smart kicks that had them knocking on the front door of home plate. And our runs came from a couple of lucky kicks early on in the game. Once they recovered, they were tenacious in keeping us from getting in any more runs.


This week we’ll be squaring up against Faceballs. Get ready! We're looking for win number 2!

Monday, June 23, 2014

The Infield Fly

I want to take a moment (and by a moment I mean a whole blog post) to examine a oft-misunderstood rule in baseball and kickball that continues to cause high concentrations of grumbling, rabble-rousing, and general consternation throughout the WAKA world: the infield fly.

Now, for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the official MLB rule which many players assume is also in place in WAKA Kickball:

An INFIELD FLY is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort, when first and second, or first, second and third bases are occupied, before two are out. The pitcher, catcher and any outfielder who stations himself in the infield on the play shall be considered infielders for the purpose of this rule.
When it seems apparent that a batted ball will be an Infield Fly, the umpire shall immediately declare “Infield Fly” for the benefit of the runners. If the ball is near the baselines, the umpire shall declare “Infield Fly, if Fair.”
The ball is alive and runners may advance at the risk of the ball being caught, or retouch and advance after the ball is touched, the same as on any fly ball. If the hit becomes a foul ball, it is treated the same as any foul.
If a declared Infield Fly is allowed to fall untouched to the ground, and bounces foul before passing first or third base, it is a foul ball. If a declared Infield Fly falls untouched to the ground outside the baseline, and bounces fair before passing first or third base, it is an Infield Fly.

In truth, there IS NO INFIELD FLY RULE IN PLACE IN WAKA KICKBALL! The rationale behind this is certainly up for debate, but the argument against the rule is that A) people drop easy pop-ups all the time and B) making a judgement call like what constitutes an infield fly puts too much of an onus on the referee to make a questionable judgement call. As it stands that's just how it is, there is no infield fly rule.

So what we get is a situation in which, if a team is both savvy enough and skilled enough to pull it off, they can act like complete, astounding, unmitigated douchenozzles and abuse this lack of an infield fly rule in order to pull off cheap double (or triple!) plays in a manner entirely contrary to the spirit of the game (and common decency).

Is it within the rules to do this? Absolutely! It's also technically within the rules to peg people in the face as hard you can while they're sliding, intentionally walk kickers, and various other douchey moves that put winning a kickball game ahead of fun and safety! If you do stuff like that...


So people. Don't be that guy. Don't be that team. Pulling intentional fly ball drops in order to turn them into double plays shall henceforth be deemed an OFFICIAL PARTY FOUL, and violations will be met with extensive write-ups in this blog detailing your personal failings in manners of character, honor, personal hygiene, fertility, and social grace, all highlighted with a collection of unflattering photographs (photoshops will be created if no photographs can be uncovered).

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Transverse Fracture of the Radius: A Love Story

If there's one thing you never want to see on a kickball field, it's an injury. Sadly, when you combine booze, a neighborhood park, a children's game, and a bunch of people who probably need to admit that they aren't in the same shape they were in college but will be DAMNED if they stop flying around like MLB players, you end up with a few bumps and bruises. And ACL tears. And bone lesions. A compound fracture or two. It's a brutal sport y'all.

Of course, the world is a dangerous place and the potential for injury is not just limited to the kickball field. As it turns out, if you try and take a work call on your cell phone while simultaneously riding your bicycle down Mary Street after leaving Corner Bar at 10:45, there's a very high probability that you will fall down and absolutely wreck your shit. SHOCKER, I know!

Such was the scene as I left the bar last night headed to Jake's car for a ride home. Smack in the middle of the road we've got a crumpled Jason Pilon lying next to his bicycle and clutching his forearm in pain. Super heartwarming to see a pair of complete strangers stop to help (I'm pretty sure they actually saw him eat it), but we assured these good samaritans that he was WAKA family and we'd be taking care of him.

Seeing an elite athlete like Jason injured is heartbreaking. It's like seeing a bird of paradise with its wings clipped. I mean look at this glorious bastard:


Ladies, take a moment to pull your panties up. I understand that they probably just dropped without you even realizing it.

A plan was immediately put into action to rescue and repair this glorious creature, and after an inexplicable attempt to fashion a splint out of some scrap cardboard and a couple of t-shirts, we got him over to the new Emergency Medical Clinic on S. Lamar and got acquainted with the staff as we settled in to set things right.

Now, Jason may be writhing in pain at this point, but that's not going to stop him from spitting game. While one of the med techs on duty was a grumpy crone that was not amused by us, Angela was a whole different story. Bedside manner for days y'all. Good looking blonde, great smile, and ready to pump delightful drugs all up in herr.


That's a connection y'all. She's only wearing gloves so that she won't be shocked by the electricity dancing between them. At first it was just sidelong glances and smiles, but once the morphine started flowing, the Jason game came alive and the compliments were plentiful. He asks for her number, she blushes and giggles, almost like she knows something we don't. A few milligrams later, there's a marriage proposal. I'm pretty sure he was only half kidding, you could see it in those starstruck eyes.

Brief aside, he really did break the shit out of his arm. Check this shit out:



Anyway, eventually Jason and Angela had to part ways. It was 3:30 in the morning, we had a vicodin prescription to fill and needed to get this guy to bed after Angela hooked him up with one last shot of morphine. A roadie, if you will. 

But the romance was not over. We're maybe two minutes out the door when Jason's phone lights up with an incoming text. Odd for almost four in the morning. I assumed that it was his drug addled brain just trying to make sense of the text through his shattered phone screen that gave him such pause, but then he passed the phone to me. Here's the text:

From: Angela Tinder
So, I don't suppose you've got a shattered phone screen and broken arm do you?

That's right, these star-crossed lovers had already connected on Tinder, exchanged phone numbers, and had some solid banter going before he ever walked into her clinic. Truly, this is destiny. Marveling at the wonder in the universe, we got Jason back home safe where I can only assume he popped a couple vikes and started sexting.

We're all anxiously awaiting the wedding invitations.

JASON + ANGELA 4 EVA

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

CANDY VAN - TX Live

Here's what I think about Ball So Hard: top notch humans. Originality of team name? Weak. Strength of mustaches? Depends on Rock's face. If it's anything like this rare photo, I would say he's probably getting at least 3 dudes pregnant this week:

Come on in; the water is fine.

After I created that picture and sent it out, I had a bit of a laughing fit at the reactions of those who were lucky enough to receive it in an email entitled "You're going to regret this." This was pretty much me:


In other news, Corey and I are back to being BFFs. We bonded during our horribly embarrassing 21-0 skunking at Bags (or Cornhole for you weirdos) at the Plant Your Flag party. Rekindling our friendship was a highlight of the night. Losing at Bags was not. 

We finally broke out our matching outfits, though.

I really have nothing else to say for this GMOT. I'm kind of just watching MacGyver and for some reason, I'm really craving some chocolate.


See you on the fields, cuties.

And Money Maker Mike.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Oh man! Snappin’ Da Base got Skeet Skeeted last week! (Yeah took me, like, five minutes to think of that).


We started out strong and it seemed like we were all set to get our first notch in the win column, but alas, the Beast was not ready to be unleashed quite yet. But to watch victory get snatched away at the last second…well, you might understand if some of us got a bit emotional.


But it’s all good. This week we have another shot at victory as we go up against Dream Crushers. I’m gonna go ahead and throw down the gauntlet, and say that we’ll be the ones crushing dreams Wednesday night!


Thursday, June 12, 2014

CANDY VAN - TX Live

I have some bad news, y'all: Corey and I broke up as BFFs. It will probably be awkward on the fields when we don't know if we should acknowledge that we saw each other or just act like the other person doesn't even exist. It's just part of being a preteen in America's 2014, I guess. Anyway, I'm on to bigger, redder things so don't even feel bad for me (pity him, though). That's right, Red Rockets: I'm looking at you in all your weirdly erect glory.

The Legendary Red Rockets are some of the best people I know. Each and every member of their team is a combination of Zoolander's really, really good looks, Hansel's carefree and go-with-the-flow attitude, and Matilda Jeffries' incredibly sexy brains. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM. And yes, I'm hitting on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. They're also the only team I know that will take our weird challenge to a Denim-off and EMBRACE IT TO THE POINT OF CHAFING. That's dedication. I think it's time to escalate this situation to THREAT LEVEL DENIM.

If there's one thing I know, wearing as much denim as possible is not only the most comfortable summer attire for Texas weather, but also the sexiest. I'm pretty sure all of these celebrities agree:

Hey girl, I like how that denim fannypack looks with your jorts.

WARNING: Viewing this photo while female causes ovary explosion.

WARNING: Viewing this photo pantsless causes pregnancy.

This isn't Candy Van's first tangle with a Denim-off. I don't even remember the team we were playing, but we decided the theme was Canadian Business Time and this is what happened:

WARNING: You're pregnant now. Sorry that I'm not sorry.

Do you know why I look so unhappy in the following family photo? 'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE ROCKIN' THAT DENIM.

Cardinals fan since the day I was born, yo.

Look. Denim is our past, present, and future, and it's time we start showing our love for that durable fabric by wearing as much as humanly possible.

Your reaction when you see my old lady denim outfit.

See you on the fields, y'all. Don't forget the vaseline!