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Thursday, July 21, 2016

Playoff Picks


Finish the season a hair under .700, once again failing to hit my arbitrarily set goal for the season. And I was doing so well! Now for the real shit: PLAYOFF PICKS!


Regular Season Record: 39-15-7 (.696)


CAPITAL BRACKET

Ro8 1: Caesar Kickerman vs At Least We're Having Fun
Caesar Kickerman -5.5

Ro8 2: A Nu Start vs Slumpbusters
Slumpbusters -3.5

Ro8 3: They Tyrannical Teabaggers vs Fresh Bru
Teabaggers -4.5

Ro8 4: $hit Circu$ vs The Legendary Red Rockets
$hit Circu$ -2.5

Semifinal 1: Caesar Kickerman vs Slumpbusters
Caesar Kickerman -2.5 

Semifinal 2: The Tyrannical Teabaggers vs $hit Circu$
The Tyrannical Teabaggers -1.5

Capital Championship: Caesar Kickerman vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
It may be the boring and expected championship matchup pick, but it sure as hell seems to be the likely one in this field. Kickerman is looking towards Founders Cup with this roster, which leads me to believe they're going to be in championship form for this game.
Caesar Kickerman -2.5 

MUSIC BRACKET

Play-In 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Do You Even Kick, Bro?
Alcaballic Rex -3.5

Play-In 2: Blue Bandits vs Sons of Pitches Kickin' the Punt
Blue Bandits -2.5

Ro8 1: Large Hardon Collider - Girth vs Alcaballic Rex
Alcaballic Rex -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Ro8 2: Red Ball & Vodka vs Gary Kick Jr.
Gary Kick Jr -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Ro8 3: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Blue Bandits
Large Hardon Collider - Length -2.5

Ro8 4: Pitche$ B Trippin' vs Freeballers
Pitche$ B Trippin' -1.5

Semifinal 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Gary Kick Jr
Gary Kick Jr -1.5

Semifinal 2: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ B Trippin -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Music Championship: Gary Kick Jr. vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Everyone is all too aware of the promotion to the Capital conference that comes with a Music title, which accounts for many of the upsets seen in this bracket: managerial decisions to play sub-optimal lineups in order to have a good time but not go all the way. The team with the most pride goes the furthest! After PBT got spanked last week I predict they'll be unable to "turn it off" and go full bore to the title, consequences be damned. Gary Kick Jr. is one of those teams that gets crippled by one or two errors all too often, and I see the same thing happening in the final.
Pitche$ B Trippin' -1.5

Final Power Rankings


Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A
Literally doubled their runs scored for the season in their last game.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A
Winning the ones that count, even if it actually kind of hurt them with the way the bracket shook out!

3 - Slumpbusters - N/A
They end up with the five seed, which puts them in the same position as last season of having to go through the champs in the semifinals in order to win the tourney.

4 - $hit Circu$ - N/A
Charged up the standings late to secure the 3 seed and get on the (presumably) easier track to the 'ship.

5 - A Nu Start - N/A
I think they got some of the terrible play out of their system last week, which is good because they're going to need to be overachieving to advance: their first round opponent Slumpbusters are definitely better than their #5 seed indicates.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A
They had no idea everyone makes the playoffs and assumed they wouldn't make the cut. I may have to pick them to upset a high seed just for giggles. Spoiler!

7- At Least We're Having Fun - N/A
There are teams in this conference they can hang with, and teams in this conference that they can't hang with. Last week they ran up against the latter, and unfortunately they face the 1 seed in the first round.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - N/A
Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?






9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A
Finishing strong, clearly in control.

10 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - 
↑2
Completely dismantled Pitches be Trippin early, and then cruised through a clean error-free game for an easy win.

11 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1
Didn't look good in an ugly loss, but it was very much an outlier based on the rest of the season.

12 - Blue Bandits - ↑3
Look at these guys! Charging back into relevance.

13 - Alcaballic Rex - ↓1
Two steps forward, one step back will still eventually get you to the top right?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - N/A
No shame in losing to the best team in the conference.

15 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓4
A precipitous drop in quality games here, 13 runs allowed to the last place team?

16 - Freeballers - N/A
For all their trouble they get a first round bye and then a matchup with my pack of delinquents to kick off the second day of playoffs.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - 
N/A
Really couldn't find a more difficult spot in the bracket to be in.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A
Finished the season hot! They go up against the surging Blue Bandits in the first round though.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

TX Live Week 9 Picks


Back under .700 after a week of two ties, missing on an upset I picked, and two upsets I didn't see coming. CURSES! These are your last regular season picks!


Regular Season Record: 33-12-7 (675)


THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Blue Bandits
Alcaballic Rex -2.5

Game 2: At Least We're Having Fun vs Caesar Kickerman
Kickerman -5.5

Game 3: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Freeballers
Freeballers -1.5

Game 4: Fresh Bru vs Legendary Red Rockets
Fresh Bru -1.5

Game 5: Gary Kick Jr vs LHC Girth
LHC -2.5

Game 6: Slumpbuster vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
Teabaggers -1.5

Game 7: LHC Length vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ -1.5

Game 8: Red Ball and V0dka vs Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt
Red Ball -4.5

Game of the Week: $hit Circus vs A Nu Start
This is a sneakily big game for the Circus. Due to a week 2 forfeit from the Slumpbusters they have a good chance of sneaking in at the three seed and staying away from Kickerman until the Final, and have been paying more attention to the standings than any team ever (otherwise I wouldn't know about this). ANUSTART had a down week last week but tends to play up when challenged to do so, so as usual this game is going to come down to errors. If the Tarts don't go on tilt they can be more consistent, but the Circus seems to have more speed and savvy.
$hit Circu$ -1.5

TX Live Power Rankings - Week 9


Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A
Played big in a big game, and hold on to the top spot.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A
Keeping up with their latest trend of just being playground bullies, they win 16-3 over the Rockets.

3 - Slumpbusters - 
N/A
Well fought game, but came up short. (This did not change from last week, still true).

4 - $hit Circu$ - ↑1
Gettin er done and has a legitimate shot to go into the playoffs well positioned for the tournament.

5 - A Nu Start - ↓1
I'm starting to think these guys play to the level of their opponents, be that up or down.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A
We may have found the right ranking for this group.

7- At Least We're Having Fun - ↑1
Big game last week and almost pulled off the big upset, they still get props.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - ↓1
Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?






9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↑2
The only team in the conference truly rolling with the Pitches faltering last week.

10 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1
Ran up against a truly solid defensive team and couldn't get late runs to seal the deal.

11 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓1
I know they had an offense around here somewhere...

12 - Alcaballic Rex - ↑2
Coming on strong in the late season and getting back into form.

13 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓1
The torch has truly been passed. Maybe girth really is better than length?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - ↑1
Two really strong games, putting them solidly middle of the pack.

15 - Blue Bandits - 
↑2
Pulling off the comeback after being down 6 runs in the 4th would have been amazing, but they couldn't quite finish.

16 - Freeballers - ↓2
Well that's what happens when I pick a dark horse I guess.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - ↓1
They need to hit the gym and kick some more.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A
For justice!

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

LHC Girth: House of Coreys

He was a Corey fan at heart, its clear
He searched and found a Corey hair
He spent 10 long years and built a cloning machine
And now he’s accomplished his wonderful dream
To make a house of Coreys
Its a House of Coreys

Corey #16: Token Corey


He only reads his own literature and comes up with all his own sex moves.

Corey #15: Female Mason Corey


The name is insulting enough.

Corey #14: Clipboard Corey


Actually shows up and is fun.  Fails to set an example for this group.

Corey #13: Invisible Corey


She’s all around you.  Just kidding, she’s inside you.  In your butt.  Your butthole.

Corey #12: Goatee Corey


It’s like sitting on a guinea pig.

Corey #11: Blonde Corey


Blonde.

Corey #10: Psyche Corey


Get analyzed and figure out the dreams about your mother fellating a lawn dart.

Corey #9: Hispanic Corey


Spicy and absentee.  Classic.

Corey #8: San Antonio Corey


Tuberculosis free since 2016.

Corey #7: Curious Corey


She wants to get in all your nooks and crannies.  Because she’s curious, you see.

Corey #6: Hat Corey


Who is this guy?

Corey #5: Coreyette


She does basically all Corey stuff, but she’s a girl so it’s socially acceptable.

Corey #4: Creatine Corey


Get blasted in the mouth.

Corey #3: Face Plant Corey


Enjoys drinking in moderation.

Corey #2: Caveman Corey


Hairy, aggressive, and territorial.

Corey #1: Chameleon Corey


Easily Blends in with his surroundings and is often mistaken for Corey #16.

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

I'm here to make a public service announcement! 
Is pokemon go affecting your life negatively? 

Are you:

- Addicted
- Feel like your entire day is being consumed by catching little animated non-existent creatures
- Losing touch with all of your friends
- Stopping in the middle of the street to collect said creatures
- Running across dead bodies 
- Getting mugged by teens
- SIngle
- A Male
- Grant Larsen

If you answered yes to any of these, then you have a serious problem. But fear not because I have the remedy for you.

Nick Offerman's 5 rules for being a male:

1. Take a bite of steak
2. Wash it down with some whiskey, preferably single malt scotch
3. Find a socialist and punch him in the face
4. Hand craft a small wooden boat (out of cedar preferably... obviously)
5. Make love to a partner of your choice (preferably someone who is accepting of your advances) and upon climax, withdraw your firearm and unload some rounds, laced with double entendre, into the night sky.

If you are a woman, disregard this message. You are allowed to play pokemon go.

Love,
Mason Heath

Thursday, July 7, 2016

TX Live Week 8 Picks


Redemption! 10-1-1 last week to get my average back up. No picks from week 7 due to being on my honeymoon, sorry if you missed me!


Regular Season Record: 26-9-5 (.7125)


THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Gary Kick Jr vs Large Hardon Collider - Length
LHC Length -3

Game 2: Fresh Bru vs Slumpbusters
Slumpbusters -3

Game 3: Blue Bandits vs Freeballers
Freeballers -2

Game 4: $hit Circu$ vs Fresh Bru
$hit Circu$ -1

Game 5: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Blue Bandits
LHC Length -3

Game 6: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Large Hardon Collider - Girth
LHC Girth -2

Game 7: Alcaballic Rex vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ B Trippin' -1

Game 8: The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs Legendary Red Rockets
Teabaggers -3

Game 9: Gary Kick Jr vs Red Ball and V0dka
Red Ball -3

Game 10: A Nu Start vs At Least We're Having Fun
 A Nu Start -4

Game 11: Freeballers vs Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt
Freeballers -5

Game of the Week: Caesar Kickerman vs Slumpbusters
The matchup so good we did it two weeks in a row! This was probably the best game of the last seasons playoffs, and the 3-1 battle from last week didn't disappoint either. Slumpbusters will have the advantage of a warmup game this time around, and I'm calling the upset!
Slumpbusters -1

TX Live Power Rankings - Week 8


Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A
The 6:30 time slot doesn't appear to be their strong suit as they nearly dropped a game to the surging anus tarts, but they showed up to play against Slumpbusters.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - ↑1
Their new thing appears to be scoring a lot of runs against lower ranking teams. Like a LOT.

3 - Slumpbusters - 
↓1
Well fought game, but came up short.

4 - A Nu Start - ↑2
After starting slow the Bluths are coming out of nowhere with huge performances. Last week they had a double header where they almost toppled Kickerman and then blanked Fresh Bru. Look out!

5 - $hit Circu$ - 
↑3
Another team very much reversing their fortunes. Things looked bleak rolling into lass week with a goose egg in the win column, but double header wins against the Rockets and At Least We're Having Fun have them in contention again.

6 - Fresh Bru - ↓2
Trending in the wrong direction, and it's do or die time this week with games coming up against Slumpbusters and Shit Circus.

7 - Legendary Red Rockets - ↓2
Where have you gone, Rockets of the first half of the season? They're playing in a primetime 8:30 matchup against the Tea Baggers, and a win will flip the script in a big way.

8- At Least We're Having Fun - ↓1
They should have listened to Han Solo after that first win, things haven't gone so well since then.







9 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - 
↑3After their loss they're on a 3 game streak with a +10 run differential.

10 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓1
Call them #9b.

11 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↑4
They have emerged victorious in the Collider collision and take their rightful place above their brethren.

12 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓2
Gotta wonder, did they let their little brother win?

13 - Freeballers - N/A
This may look weird with the standings being what they are, but I'm confident tonights games prove me right about this ranking.

14 - Alcaballic Rex - ↑3
Coming on strong in the late season and getting back into form.

15 - Gary Kick Jr - ↓4
This is a result of me bumping them too high on a win, they're actually doing alright.

16 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - ↓2
I suspect they may be much better than this, but they keep losing close ones.

17 - Blue Bandits - 
↑1
They have emerged from the basement!

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - ↓2
Well tits.


LHC Length - TX Live

Time Magazine:  Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to talk to us today.

Cody/Artie:  No problem, it’s our pleasure.  We are great admirers of your publication.

Time Magazine:  So how does it feel now that you’re nationally famous for your amazing Independence Day photo?



Cody/Artie:  I’d say it’s business as usual.  You know, that’s nowhere near our best work.  In fact, it may be the least impressive thing we’ve ever worn.  Or pose we’ve ever done, for that matter.

Time Magazine:  I think you’re being a little modest.  You did, after all, make it on the front page of the national WAKA website.  That’s no small feat.

Cody/Artie:  Yeah we thought that was great.  It was a big honor to be posted next to the group picture of the team with two American flag leis.



Time Magazine:  That was a great picture.

Cody/Artie:  And don’t forget the photo of the team with two American flag shorts and other various trinkets.



Time Magazine:  Incredible.

Cody/Artie:  Yeah I know, right.  The greatest country on Earth has granted us the social and economic freedom to play drunken kickball and spend our disposable income on booze and costumes.  And you knock it out of the park and buy not one, but two American flag items AND small accessories to boot?!  It’s difficult to compete these days.

Time Magazine:  I know.  Many other teams just saw how insurmountable the competition was and didn’t do anything.  They saw the e-mails and thought ‘there’s nothing we can do so let’s just wear our regular shirts and pretend like e-mails don’t get distributed.  Also America sucks.'

Cody/Artie:  I don’t think they hate America.  They just hate fun.  And expression of said fun.

Time Magazine:  Speaking of fun, I heard you’ve enjoyed some stardom since your hoist to fame, so to speak.

Cody/Artie:  We both quit our jobs.  We went on tour doing that pose in the costumes.

Time Magazine:  And how is that going?

Cody/Artie:  Not well.  Apparently there isn’t a market for it.

Time Magazine:  Surely you make some money taking pictures for people.

Cody/Artie:  We were supposed to offer photos?  Damnit.

Time Magazine:  You were just doing that pose and expecting people to give you money?

Cody/Artie:  Um, no.

Time Magazine:  How have you been surviving without jobs?

Cody/Artie:  We give out hand jobs at city parks.

Time Magazine:  How much do you charge for those?

Cody/Artie:  We’re supposed to charge money?  Double damnit!

Time Magazine:  You clearly have no business sense.

Cody/Artie:  Do you have any money for a hand job?

Time Magazine:  No.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

LHC Length - TX Live

When we can't decide on a topic to write about, I just end up opening the flood gates on what could be considered a terrifying stream of consciousness. So, enjoy:

There have been a lot of bad people that have lived and died on this great big, blue planet that we call Earth. There have been people who raped, murdered, committed genocide, convinced people that immunizations and gluten are bad for you and your kids, you name it. Bad, bad people. We've all read the history books. We've all read Buzzfeed. We've all read and posted whatever random, shitty, partisan, skewed web site article that feeds into our current popular fanaticism (Actually, I misspoke, that's you that does that, not me. Stop doing that. It's awful and makes you look ignorant, not smart.)

Today, however, I'd like to bring up a type of person that tops them all. A person that fills me with such hatred that I hope they just get hit by a bus, or better yet, a train, because trains can literally only travel along train tracks, and it would just prove how stupid these people are by getting hit by a train. That's a wonderful thought, but I digress. Ah yes, as I was saying, the worst person in literally the entire world, and across all time and all potential multiverse iterations: The Spoiler.

We all want to talk about our favorite forms of entertainment with like-minded individuals. We want to find out about nuance we may have missed, or the latest conspiracy theories associated with the newest episode, because it's fucking fun and gets us through the work day. But The Spoiler is different. The Spoiler only cares about themselves and doing anything and everything to make themselves look cool. The Spoiler takes to social media and gives away plot points that other good-natured people have been waiting, sometimes weeks, to experience. "Oh man, people will think I'm so cool if I show that I watched a show! It's going to be so cool and funny! I bet I'm the first person to ever watch this!"

Well I'm here to tell you that it's not funny, and you're not cool. In fact this is probably why your Dad left when you were a kid and also why dinosaurs are extinct. What you do is pointless and ruins other people's days. You are the taint-biting mosquito of social media. You are the gum on the bottom of a shoe that's getting tracked all over everyone's carpet. You are both the dog shit and the shitty dog owner who doesn't pick up said dog shit. I'm sure even Donald Trump is disgusted at the thought of you.

So think twice before putting your idiotic notions on blast for all to inadvertently see, Spoiler. Instead of living in your stupid internet world of fantasy, how about contributing to society by talking to people in person, and/or getting a job, and/or being a decent person and/or friend (and/or).

Unlike all of the people in the first paragraph, the path to redemption for you is an easy one, Spoiler. You can come back from this and pretend that your life never went down this path to begin with. All you have to do is shut your stupid, virtual mouth, or fingers...or whatever. I mean, not being a dipshit isn't going to bring your Daddy back, or the dinosaurs, but it may, just may, help you hold on to your few remaining friends. Maybe.

Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - TX Live

There are 26 letters in the alphabet, but the only three I care about are U S A

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA



USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA 



USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA


I wish you all a Happy Fourth of July. I hope your weekend is full of extremely cold and extremely domestic beers. May your hot dogs and hamburgers be plentiful and your ignorance to the rest of the world be #1 - the same number as the greatest nation on earth, if not the universe.
One more time for good measure

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

Thursday, June 23, 2016

LHC - Length

Balls. 

Natures hairy walnuts. I've lived my life with a constant fear involving my balls. They've been hit. They've been sat on. They've been sweaty. Any they've been itchy. I thought that this would be my life forever, but on Wednesday, June 15th the clouds parted and the heavens sang to me.

"Hark. Thine testiculades shall herefore and thuns be draped with pillowy softness and caressed by thine own divine glory."

So I said. 

"Huh?"

Turns out the heavens were correct and so I purchased my first HappySac. HappySac is a sack for your sack. It's a cloth pouch with a light elastic band at the top that is made to keep your business covered. All they had in stock when I bought mine was the medium but based on the sizing chart and usage I need a large (keep it in your pants ladies). 

This thing is a goddamn revelation. I put it on and forgot it was there just minutes later. It so gently cradled my dangly bits that it felt like I was ass in the air, spread eagle with my entire team was softly stroking my giblets with feathers.

They did not get sweaty or itch. They were not sat on. And no one hit them (although this was probably because I wasn't around shitty people). I'm waiting for the larger size to come in stock (again, because I've got some meaty clackers) but as soon as they do I'll be buying several more.

If you want to feel like Bea Arthur squatting over a stream daintily dipping your slappers into the cool water try one out. It will change your life.

Love,
Paymon

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day!

I hope you have a great day.  I just want to let you know that I’m thinking of you like you were always thinking of me at the bottom of every beer you pounded.  Like a beautiful lifelong game of cat and mouse, such is your love for me.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t quite live up to your expectations.  You were right to burn me with a curling iron when I botched mowing the lawn.  Putting it in my mouth may have been a bit excessive.  But the secret collections of scars on unexposed areas of my body are a testament to the lessons you’ve taught me.  Except for that acid that burned off my ear.  Hydrofluoric: you’re such a smart man.  It really penetrates to the bone.  I would know that better if I had become a chemist like you, but instead followed my passion for writing.  I really wish you hadn’t thrown my typewriter at mom, breaking her clavicle.

But like you said, you’re a sensitive and passionate man.  And you have so much passion and senses that it’s too much for one family, necessitating a secret family in Winnipeg and another in Grand Rapids.  I hope they’re also thinking of you this special day.

May you have another great year and be proud of me once again - like you were when my adult kickball team won the Austin TX Live playoff tournament.

Love,
Your Son