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Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Large Hardon Collider

Ladies and gentleballers, we have upped the ante. Again.



You may or may not have seen a giant Artie penis running around the bar last week. Wait, let me clarify…Artie dressed up in a giant penis costume. Let me introduce to you our newest, and most lovable/hilarious, weekly ritual:

LVP (Least Valuable Player)


That’s right folks, at the end of each game we put up nominations for who made the funniest, worst play, and for their reward they get to be the most popular person at the bar.



So when you see King Dong drinking the pain away, feel free to console them in any creative way possible because they probably did something like this:



As an aside I would like to quickly give a shout out to all the teams we’ve played this season. All of our games have been super fun and everyone has been a great sport. All of our refs have been top notch as well. Give yourselves a pat on the back!


Also don’t forget that it’s Week 5 and thus officially approved to bang your favorite, willing teammate!



Good luck to you all. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Large Hardon Collider

Hey Everybody! Rodney Dangerzone here, sliding in as the Large Hardon Collider publicist this week. Week 4 already?! Wow, time flies when you’re humping all over the world! Last month I red-rocketed my way down to South America for a quick Peru/Bolivia pelvic breaching. My keepers made sure to document the festivities, so here are some of the throbbing highlights!



The elevation had me feeling extra flaccid, so I decided to spank things up a notch with a quick rip of that sweet, sweet Bolivian nose candy. It burned a little going down, but had me fully engorged lickety-split! With that Prince Albert-esque headache gone, and a confusing but miraculous curing of my Hep M-Q, I was ready to FLLLYYYYY! HOP ON BOYS!



Of course 30 minutes later it was limp city all over again. All good erections must come to an end, so I set out to find some new travel buddies. One only has to open their eyes in order to feast on the majesty of all sorts of indigenous hardons.



Twinsies! This buddy was a little rough around the shaft, but we were docking in no time flat. He quickly introduced me to some other like-circumcised individuals that were a real hoot!




Caption: I think the one on the left said he was from Canada.

Now to think that ol’ RDG was all sightseeing and no play is just plain ludicrous. Why, here’s a picture right here of a nice little lady seeking the pleasures that I had to offer. Only…it was slightly…complicated.


Rodney always finds a way though, and this Bolivian beauty was no different. The trip wasn’t all slip-sliding into bear traps though. You might even say in this little sexcapade I found the perfect fit!


I’ll leave you with that nice juicy image to remember me by until Thursday, when you can come over and introduce yourself. Try not to confuse me with that dick-holster, Gregory. He’s led a charmed life, and I…well I’ve been through some shit. Dark things that no fledgling wang should ever have to slog his way through. You’ll notice me by my slightly deflated, but cheery smile. Kick on sweet ballers.

-Rodney Dangerzone

KickInThePUNT

It's Kickin the Punt representing from New Orleans this week. Captains are off for a vacation so well timed they will get all of their Bourbon Street drinking and debauchery done and out of the way without even missing a game. It's hella hot here(like in Austin) but with a heat index making you feel like a puddle after a few minutes in the sun.

The trip overlapped with a wacky red dress event(literally thousands of people wearing red dresses..and being drunk fools) that made us just miss our fellow red-ball loving team and league! Don't y'all worry, we will come back and be more than ready to kick your punt!

Alcaballics Rex

This merge has been showing to be a a very smooth and seamless transition and nothing but GOOD TIMES. Bumping our jams, shaking our tutus and killing it out on the field. Last week, playing the Hardon's was a blast, as we decided to call it a tie and play sexy slippery game of Slosh Ball instead, equipped with a slip & slid and human size pizza & penis, water & dish soap. This combination resulted in a silly good time. 
So far the merger has resulted in an undefeated team, (with an unofficial win against the Hardons) then playing a closer game against Sons of Pitches winning 0-1 we are PUMPED to keep the good vibes rolling.
Denver has been chilling stress free getting boozy at my bar confident that no one would be stupid enough to try and steal him again.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Large and In Charge - TX Live

Slumpbusters, we tried to go about this the nice way. Last season, we wrote you this http://austinwaka.blogspot.com/2015/07/large-and-in-charge-tx-live.htmlYou know, a gentle nudge in a better direction. Alas, our subtle prodding and offering of motherly love was cast by the wayside and Slim Jim McGrouchy Grumps is back and grouchier than ever. 

Last season we had real concern for Slim, we figured he'd lost his way, lost touch with reality. But, on this historical political night, we realize he's not lost, he's living in his own reality, HE'S A REPUBLICAN! Slim isn't just any republican. He's not toiling at the kiddie table with Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry and the rest of Texas Music. He's on the big boy stage, front and center, he is the man himself, Donald Trump. Just like Donald doesn't want any policy questions, Slim can't handle any questions about his coaching. Mention Donald in a negative light and you better be ready for a cascade of name calling to the tune of "loser", "dope" and "dummy". Say anything to Slim and you best be ready for a torrent of F bombs.

But, we aren't a bunch of Fox News watching, Apprentice loving, let's build a wall citizens who have signed on to blindly follow Trump to the pits of hell. We see through his charade,  and Slim, we see through yours as well. You talk about being a member of the all mighty Legit, a team that travels the Circuit to play kickball around this country. Last we checked, Legit was the laughing stock of the Circuit and you spend most of your time sitting on a trashcan on the sidelines. But you are great in your eyes, and that counts for something. Like Donald on the big stage, we set the odds of Slim's complete implosion tonight at -110. Come check out the action on Field 2 at 7pm. Until then... May God bless you and May God bless Large and In Charge. 

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

KickInThePUNT

Game two and still no chant! Punts need a chant y’all! The captains have tried for the last few seasons to teach one, make up a new and original one, begged the team to make one up themselves and to no avail! There aren’t too many words that rhyme with “punt” and become a good (PG) chant……Regardless, the team still rocks. This week alone there was some serious showing of costumes, a trip to see Phish in concert, a Bangers event, and a boat ride! See how fun we are?!

Speaking of Banger’s…..remember that fun Banger’s brunch/ Rainey street take over last season? We think that needs to happen again. Do I hear a whoot whoot?

Till next week my pink- winged friends, stand strong on that one leg. 

Inline image 1

Alcaballics Rex


image1.JPG

This picture was supposed to accompany last weeks post.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Top Five Songs about Hardons - The Large Hardon Collider

Top Five Songs about Hardons - The Large Hardon Collider

We thought we would start the season off with a banging playlist, Large Hardon Collider style. 

And as immature adults with a collection of music at our fingertips, there was no reason not to 

share with the rest of the league the best songs dedicated to the best team in kickball.  

Based on a private study by 17 Hardon Colliders, they concluded that the following are the top 5 

songs about hardons. Enjoy!!!

5. Detachable Penis by King Missile

The first line of this song goes as follows: “I woke up this morning with a bad hang over, and my 

penis was missing.” This song seemed appropriate as a dedication the beautiful Rodney 

Dangerzone… rest in peace.



4. Magic Stick by Lil’ Kim

Let me take you back to early 2000’s and the inspiring lyrics of Lil’ Kim. She knew how to rock 

that stick. 



3. Peacock by Katy Perry

I have to admit, I was not familiar with this song at first, but it is growing on me as I continue to 

listen to it over and over and over again. 


2. Dick in a Box by Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg

Possibly the best tandem in comedy/music history. I was pulling for this to be number 1.



On a side note, did anybody check out 7 Day of Hell? 

1. Anaconda by Nicki Minaj

With on fleek lyrics such as “Pussy put his ass to sleep, now he calling me NyQuil”, it’s no 

wonder why Nicki is queen supreme of the Hardon playlist. 



If anybody is interested in the complete Large Hardon Collider playlist, check out our spotify 



KickInThePunt

And KickInThePunt is off to a fantastic start of our third season and the bright pink team. We hear there was an attempt from others to maybe take on our color so we are relieved that even with the waiting to put together a new team with half newbies we didn’t lose OUR color.

Speaking of newbies, we love them! They arrived with some serious motivation and proved their worth with some awesome kicks and catches all while trying to figure out the silly game we play on Thursday nights for some odd reason. They also brought along a few cheerleaders in human and canine form. Sons of Pitches may think they had the first place for the number of dogs on the sidelines but we are after that spot now! So much so that the pups became the inspiration for the first team photo at the bar.


Expect great things from us this season y’all, cuz here come the punts!

Alcaballics Rex

What's that I hear? A drunk dinosaur dancing to Ludacris?????? YEP. 

Looks like there has been an epic merger between the Alcaballics and Purplesaurus. Tutus and tequila shots, people! It's gonna get weird. Actually shit already got weird on week ONE. We are coming for you Hardons.  Life of the Party is not safe any more. 

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. 

An open letter to the petty malcontents who have absconded with Denver

I have been informed that Denver, the PurpleSaurus mascot and physical emblem of my legacy with TX Live, was purloined in bad faith from his rightful caretakers as they executed their duties of providing for the emotional well being of the league at The Park this past Thursday by hosting bar games. This is unacceptable. This is the work of children who value nothing but themselves and the fulfillment of their own ill-conceived dreams of lasting glory, and instead cover themselves with the stink of shame. I have these words for them. They have created this fraudulent Facebook Account to chronicle their reprehensible deeds.

Dear Malicious Captors,
I know you're holding Denver against his will. You thought you were real clever posting June 11, 1993 as his birthday didn't you? All you've done is given yourself away. Denver has nothing to do with Jurassic Park. Those toys were total shit. Ooooooo "battle damaged" T-Rex? FUCK YOU KENNER-HASBRO.
Denver comes from an age when men were men and toys were toys: made out of rock hard plastic. When dinosaurs weren't just dinosaurs, they were dinosaurs with frickin laser beams attached to their frickin heads. When Valorians regularly triumphed over Rulons. When Questar could always be counted on to outwit the sinister Emperor Krulos.
Denver's birthday is October 1, 1988 you fucking clowns. You two-bit posers. You pale, unsubstantial, hopeless, entitled children.
Of course, his namesake hails back to an even simpler time (about three weeks before his birth), when a young group of California youths could pal around with their rock star dinosaur buddy and travel back through time with the assistance of a fragment of eggshell. As was the style of the time.
The 80s. When shit was real. When Tyco made the greatest goddamn toys ever created, strong enough to endure 25 years unharmed and take on a sweet coat of purple paint and spray-on glitter and find new relevance in this god forsaken world where a group of right-minded pioneers of badassery could appreciate his form, function, and history, passing him to one another as a talisman of awesomeness in reward for herculean accomplishments in the field of fun.
All that, only to be abducted by some halfwitted chuckling Gomers who don't deserve to share a fucking room with him, let alone hold his sacred form. You think yourself champions? BOO. You treat him like garbage, because thats what you are: the Champions of Refuse. So here's to you, you pieces of shit. Here's to the Champions of Slime, the Champions of Filth, the Champions of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo.
I expect Denver returned to his rightful caretakers this Thursday, or left on my porch if you're too cowardly to face those who you've disrespected in the open.
Love,
Stephen

Saturday, July 11, 2015

TX Live Spring 2015 Life of the Party Final Standings

The results are in folks! After NINE weeks of partying (Y'all got some extra party nights in thanks to rainouts. How's that for a deal?), thousands of pictures, epic bar game performances, incredible costumes, and another season of kickball awesomeness, we have the final scores available.

First, I must point out with a heavy heart that we have a few party poopers among us. There are four teams that scored nary a social point this season. Not one GMOT entry. Not one bar games attempt. Not a single picture posted for nearly three months of kickball. These are their names:

Sit On My Base


Seaholmies


Do You Even Kick, Bro?


ANUSTART


SHAME!

Now on to the winners! In the final week of the season, PurpleSaurus couldn't be stopped and was propelled to the weekly victory on the strength of the entire leagues need to click the like button on pictures of my speedo clad American-ness, but one big week was not enough to catch the leaders.



Kickin' the Punt, the reigning champs of the Party Belt, put up awesome numbers all  season long and made DAMN sure I knew it when I miscounted something. While they only won the belt outright two weeks of the season, they were ALWAYS among the top two or three in scoring and made a late push that took the championship to the brink! They basically invented themes all season long, and have made a case for several new types of bonus points with their shenanigans.



In the end, it wasn't enough to overcome the newcomer and party juggernaut of the season: LARGE HARDON COLLIDER. From the outset, this team was destined to be great. Sometimes the child outgrows the parent, and such was the case with this party seed that floated from the PurpleSaurus tree, found fertile loam in which to spread it's roots, and because possibly the most perfect embodiment of a WAKA party team that TX Live has ever known. Themes every week, inflatable dicks everywhere, lots of skin, lots of booze, and a flood of awesome pictures every week to make sure you knew exactly how much fun you were missing out on by not being on this team. Not to mention their preternatural bar game skills that netted them big points every week and quality GMOT writing. With a grand total of 1,988 Party Points, the new TX Live Party Champions are Large Hardon Collider!


View all the final standings here, with notes for how all the points were scored! (At least for week 3 and after when I started doing that).

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Large Hardon Collider - TX Live

Are we STILL writing GMOTs? The rain giveth and the rain taketh away, and just when I thought we had this shit wrapped up, here I am trying to figure out what we’re going to do to one-up those damn Punts again. Let it be known that in the normal 8 week season we are the true winners of the Belt. I feel this is like one of those weird baseball homerun record controversies where if I knew anything about sports I could give some actual examples. Babe Ruth something something Mark McGwire something something Sammy Sosa? Does anybody even care about this? Anyways, I digress.



This weekend is fucking ‘Murica week and I’m super fucking excited. This is probably my favorite holiday because 1) I don’t have to give anybody a present 2) we live in the greatest fucking country in the fucking world. This paragraph is extra fucking ‘Murican based on how many times I can work “fuck” in there. How much more ‘Murican can this blog post get?

BOOM!

Yeah, that just happened. That is yours truly acting like a jackass in the most ‘Murican way possible: in uniform. How drunk am I? I don’t know! How much water does it take to fill up Lake Travis? How exactly does a posi-trac rear end on a Plymouth work? Nobody knows. Need some more?

BOOM!

Yeah, that’s right. Because sometimes ‘Murica comes in the form of swimming through a mud-filled underwater tunnel with a bunch of gear on. One more for the road?

BOOM!
See, I took ya for a turn there. Even my badass cat, Magnus, likes to get dressed up for 4th of July just to show those fucking Redcoats who’s boss. When I see that sweet ass bowtie all I can think is fuck your taxation without representation and fuck your tea! Does he hate it? Fuck yeah he does, but this is ‘Murica and we do what we gotta do to show the world what a great time we’re having despite all their bullshit.



So enjoy your weekend, fellow kickballers, and celebrate the amazing country we are lucky enough to live in! I’m gonna be fucking ‘Murica’ing the shit out of mine via shooting guns and listening to Bruce Springsteen. Probably at the same time! FREEDOM.


PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Tonight is the rescheduled Tight & Bright theme night, and while I did spend some money on neon leggings and fishnet gloves and sweatbands and other stuff for neon night, there's something more important happening. A little something called the birth of our nation. EVER HEARD OF IT!?

This week, PurpleSaurus goes America all over everybody's ass.


Whitney Houston will be signing the Star Spangled Banner to kick the game off, and then the new and improved AMERICA MIX will blast us through a night of celebrating the best goddamn nation on Earth, along with the most patriotic outfits known to man. USA chants are inevitable. Oh and apparently we're good at soccer too, so we stole that from

Big shout out to Pitches be Trippin, our opponents tonight. Apparently they're bored with beating the bejesus out of everyone and want to play with fun rules, so we're going #nobunting and #backwardsbases tonight. I can't wait to see Rob totally forget about that rule and run the wrong way every time he kicks, it never gets old!

We're holdin down the late game tonight, which means bar games gets a late start too as it's gotta wait until I get there. Look for washers around 10 at The Park!

Love,
Stephen

Large and In Charge - TX Live

Guys. We played Sit On My Base last week and we’re just so concerned for their pitcher. I don’t know his actual name so I’m gonna just call him Slim Jim McGrouchy Grumps for now. If you guys could make sure this gets to him, I’d really appreciate that.

Dear Slim Jim McGrouchy Grumps,

Are you okay? It’s just kickball. And I come from Relax so this should be a real red flag. What happened to you? Don’t do this, McGrouchy Grumps. Don’t do this to your league. Don’t do this to your teammates. They love and respect you. You’ve got a lot to be proud of. You’ve got a nice physique and not a spare pound on that Slim Jim body of yours. And I’m willing to bet you have at least one or two other positive attributes.

Just take that intensity/grouchy-grumpiness and turn the dial down a notch or two. That’s all we’re saying. A notch or two is all you need to change yourself, to change the league, to change the world.

Don’t cry. Don’t be sad. You are young and beautiful. You’ll bounce back from this, I know it. And if you need someone to talk to, I can be there. That’s something I can do for you. Shhhh. Mama knows.

All we want is the best for you.

We love you so much. All we have is love for you.

Most sincerely,

LAIC

Kickin the Punt - TX Live

As we think about finishing up a killer season, we have a few videos to share that may help entice new players!

A:


B:


and another


And this is what playoffs should look like from now on!


Large Hardon Collider - TX Live

Last week we lost, but we’re all winners in the eyes of our Moms. We celebrated that by dressing up as rockstars and doing a lot of things that our Mothers probably would not approve of.



Best rock ‘n’ roll movie ever? I’d say Rock Star featuring Marky Mark MINUS the Funky Bunch.

Steel Dragon is an obvious upgrade.

It’s just too bad that he wasn’t actually singing. Jeff Scott Soto was the ripper behind the scenes on that one. Stand up and shout!
I would say my second favorite is probably Airheads. If you don’t agree, let me refer you to The Buschemi.



As you can see, the season wears thin and I’m getting sick of talking about partying. All this partying has inflated our Dad Bods to new and less-than-exciting heights.



This partying feud must come to end. Kick in the Punt, lay down your flamingos and step aside for the new champions. This week it shall be cemented in history forever. Long live Large Hardon Collider.

Scene from The Park last week.

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Board Game Night

I wish I could capture in words for all of you what board game night looks like when you're a Purplesaurus.
Mostly it looks like this.  But, ya know, more... purpley.

There are many different sorts of game nights in the world.  Poker.  Backgammon.  Shooting flares at bottles.  Normal stuff.  Last week, game night consisted of poorly drawn cuddling and very well drawn asteroids.  A little too well drawn.  We have a thing about asteroids.

You kind of had to be there.

(When stick figures cuddle it looks like they're doing a whole lot more than cuddling.  Maybe you didn't have to be there.)

There was also a great game of... something that seemed like a cross between charades and taboo that somehow involved the Jeffersons.  It got a little weird.
Jealous?  Its okay.  You don't have to answer that.
PurpleSaurus
#RaveToilet

Thursday, June 18, 2015

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Dinosaurs are super cool y'all.

Jurassic Park was, bar none, one of the most important moments of my LIFE. In 1993 I was 9 years old, and at the height of my dino-literacy and enthusiasm.

I still have the toy version of that T-Rex on my lunch box. I spray painted him purple and we made him a tutu and call him Denver now.

My 4th grade teacher literally let me teach segments of the dinosaur unit in science class, and always asked me how to pronounce the names of the various dinos we were looking at. I had read my Dad's copy of Jurassic Park so many times that the book fell apart and I taped it back together with duct tape, and my Mom had never read Michael Chrichton so thought it was totally harmless when I grabbed Sphere next and read some seriously bizarro sex scenes that I comprehended very little of other than  thinking Crichton really likes to describe nipples.



So when I find out Jurassic Park is going to be a MOVIE that Spring I went absolutely bananas. I re-read the book like twice and honed by dino-knowledge, carefully referring to the illustrated timeline poster I had wrapping around the walls of my room that showed what dinosaurs lived during which time periods, and carefully following up on the various dinos that appeared in the book so I was fully prepared for the majesty.  June 11, 1993, my Dad takes me to the theater on opening day, and I saw the GREATEST MOVIE EVER TO BE PUT ON FILM. Holy shit! Those were DINOSAURS! They were REAL! People use this as a reaction gif all the time, but it is literally how I felt watching that shit:

My parents probably invested a few thousand dollars into merchandise in the following year, and I will never replicate the unadulterated childlike joy I felt in that theater watching the T-Rex eat Generro while he's sitting on the shitter.



Fast forward 22 years, and I still love dinosaurs. PurpleSaurus Rex dances around with t-rex arms and roars every week, and you can bet your sweet ass that we had a team outing to go see Jurassic World on opening day. Actual opening day, not bullshit 7 PM showing on Thursday because thats when movies open now so they can inflate the opening weekend numbers, we went on Friday like AMERICANS. Bought out an entire row at the Drafthouse Ritz, fought our way through the ROT Rally crowds with our pal Denver in tow, and we rocked that shit. If I was another party in the theater, I probably would have raised a card to alert them of a rude table because we were having way too much fun. I like to think we were all 9 year olds again watching with wide eyes and giggling like idiots. After the film, Denver stalked the theater as some clever PurpleSaurs projected his profile on the big screen for all to bask in his majesty.


And not once did I point out that Velociraptors are really the size of turkeys, and the dinosaur that most closely resembles those that appear in the film is Deinonychus. Also Ankylosaurus should have gotten more screen time because he's the best dinosaur. BULLSHIT how fast he got wrecked by the Indomitus.




Kickin' the Punt - TX Live

I suffered an unfortunate accident while being awesome that has me sidelined for the rest of the season. I know we all signed up for WAKA solely because for the love of the game of kickball and nothing like the parties and friends so this news should be devastating...

Kickball is actually pretty awesome even if you can't play, for the following reasons. You can drink more, you don't have to worry about dropping a ball or striking out because you had too much to drink when you're on the sidelines. You get to hang out with the mascots, I heard a certain celebrity sheep, La Dy Bah Bah was going to make an appearance at tonight's game. You can still hang out at the bar and play the bar games, except that fruit dangle game it looked exhausting.. You don't have to worry about your wig falling off or having a wardrobe malfunction while playing in your crazy costume either. And finally you still get to go to the parties. And don't forget about the blackmail opportunities, when every one is playing you've got the perfect opportunity to take a bunch of photos that could be used a variety of ways. I'm pretty sure our team captains weren't already married, we have some amazing photos to add to their wedding video montage.

I'm still waiting to see how long I'm going to sidelined, but I will be signing up for next season regardless because Kickball is Awesome Even If You Can't Play.

Ann from Kickin the Punt