Welcome to the Ghost Man on Third blog, the Worldwide Leader in Austin WAKA Kickball & Social Sports. Posts are player-generated, please email waka.gmot@gmail.com to contribute.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

LHC - Length

Balls. 

Natures hairy walnuts. I've lived my life with a constant fear involving my balls. They've been hit. They've been sat on. They've been sweaty. Any they've been itchy. I thought that this would be my life forever, but on Wednesday, June 15th the clouds parted and the heavens sang to me.

"Hark. Thine testiculades shall herefore and thuns be draped with pillowy softness and caressed by thine own divine glory."

So I said. 

"Huh?"

Turns out the heavens were correct and so I purchased my first HappySac. HappySac is a sack for your sack. It's a cloth pouch with a light elastic band at the top that is made to keep your business covered. All they had in stock when I bought mine was the medium but based on the sizing chart and usage I need a large (keep it in your pants ladies). 

This thing is a goddamn revelation. I put it on and forgot it was there just minutes later. It so gently cradled my dangly bits that it felt like I was ass in the air, spread eagle with my entire team was softly stroking my giblets with feathers.

They did not get sweaty or itch. They were not sat on. And no one hit them (although this was probably because I wasn't around shitty people). I'm waiting for the larger size to come in stock (again, because I've got some meaty clackers) but as soon as they do I'll be buying several more.

If you want to feel like Bea Arthur squatting over a stream daintily dipping your slappers into the cool water try one out. It will change your life.

Love,
Paymon

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day!

I hope you have a great day.  I just want to let you know that I’m thinking of you like you were always thinking of me at the bottom of every beer you pounded.  Like a beautiful lifelong game of cat and mouse, such is your love for me.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t quite live up to your expectations.  You were right to burn me with a curling iron when I botched mowing the lawn.  Putting it in my mouth may have been a bit excessive.  But the secret collections of scars on unexposed areas of my body are a testament to the lessons you’ve taught me.  Except for that acid that burned off my ear.  Hydrofluoric: you’re such a smart man.  It really penetrates to the bone.  I would know that better if I had become a chemist like you, but instead followed my passion for writing.  I really wish you hadn’t thrown my typewriter at mom, breaking her clavicle.

But like you said, you’re a sensitive and passionate man.  And you have so much passion and senses that it’s too much for one family, necessitating a secret family in Winnipeg and another in Grand Rapids.  I hope they’re also thinking of you this special day.

May you have another great year and be proud of me once again - like you were when my adult kickball team won the Austin TX Live playoff tournament.

Love,
Your Son

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Pitche$ B Trippin'

Don't look now, but Pitche$ B Trippin' is #1 in the Music Conference standings! It MAY have something to do with the fact that only 6 of our 18 teams have actually gotten to play a game, but it's also totally possible that we're the greatest team ever assembled on the face of the planet. Don't rule it out.

Unfortunately, one of our captains turned 25 last Sunday, so she's old and not cool anymore. Currently looking for a tall, hot, brunette, but UNDER 25 lady with strong leadership skills to replace her. 

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

After another wonderful weekend of Hardon madness (Kendall’s birthday), we have to sit back and wonder how did this amazing team assemble? Just over 50 people have been fortunate enough to call themselves Hardons. But where did it all start?

One sunny day, 2 Hardons played tummy sticks or dry docked each other or perhaps both (the specific details have been lost over time), and came up with the idea to create a team that would become the biggest party animal team the world has ever seen. After a few seasons this team became so out of control they had to separate into two massive Hardons. Length and Girth.

And to think I was only 6 inches away from making a penis joke.

Penis jokes are so old, I mean cum on.


Large Hardon Collider - Length

Hello my friends, it's 'bout time y'all learned
Of this sweet little move before you get burned
It's certain to keep you rich in friends
If you just give it a try, your embarrassment will end

Well this sweet little move, it's the right thing to do
When it's time to get busy, in your room or the loo
When your partner is ready and raring to go
Don't just ball up your fist and ram it on home

This sweet little move, oh yes, sweet indeed
Push your fingers together and make your best beak
It's the right thing do, I'll say it again
The Courtesy Beak: Your new best friend

Aerodynamically true, lube you shant need
The design of this beak is the best thing we've seen
Now do not forget this when you set down beside 'er (or him, but that doesn't rhyme)
For we will be watching
Love,
Large Hardon Collider  ( uu==Length==D~~ )

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Pitche$ B Trippin'

The forecasters were wrong last week (well, 2/3 wrong), they can be wrong again this week!


Sadly due to not realizing that 7/8 of our permanent refs are all on the same two teams, I had to ref another game while my team was playing. BUMMER. Somehow, I was still able to become the MVP of the game when I called off play in the 5th inning due to the lightning getting too close. Unbeknownst to me we had given up 2 runs in the top of the 5th to go from a 2-1 lead to a 2-3 deficit, and were in the bottom of the 5th, so when the final score reverted to the end of the 4th inning we got a weird win!  

Of course, we had Richie "Mr Clutch" Fischbach up to kick and runners in scoring position with 1 out, so it's pretty much guaranteed that he would have kicked a 3 run homer or something to walk it off.

So with the W, and only one run allowed, and two teams not getting to play ... FIRST PLACE!

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Here's a Hardon bedtime story for the kids:

Once upon a time there was a young scientist who was very smart. He was so smart that he could pick any disease and surely be able to cure it. He couldn't decide! AIDS, cancer, diabetes, heart disease- the list goes on and on. Everyone begged him to help them, but he didn't know who to help. He definitely couldn't help everyone.

One day, a man in a shiny suit and some real cool hair knocked on his door and told him of a terrible thing that has been happening all across America. Men of all ages were having difficulty getting erections and they couldn't figure out why. They would look at super awesome porn and hire very limber ladies of the night, but nothing would work. The scientist was in disbelief and, for the first time in his life, questioning how he could solve a problem. He wanted to help, but expressed his uncertainty to the man in the suit. Well he dumped a truckload of money at the scientist's feet and he was instantly off to find a cure!

After toiling away with pipettes and test tubes, the scientist found that pills and injections did nothing for these poor men. What a disaster! He was so ashamed. Everyone was disappointed and the scientist went into hiding. He wouldn't get out of bed until one night when he had an amazing dream. A wet dream! And there were 50 super good looking people in it that caused everyone to get instant boners. He had his idea!

So he went into his laboratory to create 50 super boner-inducing mutant individuals and these boys and girls would play kickball. There were so many of them active that their team had to split into two different teams. And they would wear skimpy outfits and act very lewd in public places, but everyone they encountered would get erections whether they wanted them or not. He had done it! Men would see them and run home to finally pound one out in the wives they settled for after years of impotence. All was well in the world. He even gave them fake belly buttons so no one would be racist towards them or limit their point-scoring abilities.

They did super cool themes, camping trips, boat parties, pub crawls, and even murdered the scientist at one point to prevent any new science experiments. They did everything together! They never aged and certainly never got too old to act like idiots and make people super jealous of their undeniable boner powers.

The end.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Pitche$ B Trippin'

So apparently we haven't even started playing yet and folks are already beefin'.

Here's the deal: the Freeballers core of players are from the circa 2013-2015 era Pitches be Trippin', and apparently we're encroaching on their IP and sullying the good name of their former team.

Our response: SUCK IT.

Pitches be Tripping is literally the 2nd most common team name in the country after Balls Deep. It's like getting pissed because someone named their kid John when you named your kid John first. So yeah! Circle that game on the schedule. After we win, we can show you how to celebrate a victory without tearing your 2nd baseman's ACL.


Sorry if thats a sore subject Michelle. Get it? Sore subject? Because your knee is sore from when Scott jumped on your back and tore your ACL? Too soon?

Love,
Stephen

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Dear [Name Redacted],

Please accept our sincere apologies for repeatedly telling you to eat shit.  We were only joking and not actually wanting you to eat shit.  It was a humorous mantra that we all shit eatingly got hooked on and was essentially meaningless.  Perhaps we are the shit eaters.  But do not label us as shit eatey eaters of shit.  Sure, we have eaten our fair share of shit in the shitty past, but we admittedly shat the bed.  “Eat shit!,” we would say, not knowing the shit eating consequences.  Sometimes we ourselves were wanting to shit eat, but we were projecting that shitty desire to hide our true shit eatingness.  We hope you take the time to unwrap your mouth from whatever non-shit item it contains and give us another shit eatterly chance.

Sincerely,
Large Hardon Colliders - Length

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - TX Live

Good ol' Robert Chody. A real moderate. You could say he sits right square in the middle. When it comes to police work, he's no dick, and he DEFINITELY ain't no butthole. You might say he's somewhere right in between.

Vote Chody, and don't get cheap with the balls.


Thursday, February 25, 2016

Papa Stephen's Babies - TX Live

Of course we deliver on the field, but did you know we can deliver for your team as well? Babies delivering babies: talk to your friendly Baby agent to learn more about distracting opposing pitchers at affordable rates! More nudity guaranteed in our version.


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - TX Live

I believe it was the great Steve Shubin who once said, "Necessity is the mother of invention." He then immediately went on to create the Fleshlight, because that's what innovators DO.

I'll call it THE FLESH...LIGHT.

Thanks Steve, I'll take it from here.

Like Dr.Von Shubin, we are innovators. We single-dongedly changed the way the city of Austin thinks about kickball. In a league shattered by a severe lack of partying, and lack of fun, we dressed up like 6th street hookers and got all of the competitive teams' deadbeat Dads to come back home and tell them he loves them.

You're welcome, Slumpbusters

And this season, being the true innovators that we are, we set out to revolutionize the way GMOT posts are consumed. Cold hard facts: Nobody is reading them. They're boring. TL;DR. And most importantly, much like our giant, inflatable penises, we were pouring our heart and soul into something that just wasn't penetrating the way we needed it to. Our ideas were just too big, too risky, and our humor too dry for the standardized reader to easily welcome into their bodies.

Here. This should help.

Thus, the short, random GMOT post was born. So immediate and awe-inspiring was its impact that teams from all over the zip code began copying us.

Just kidding. Keeps copies me.

Oh man, this must be what it feels like to be Steve Jobs, yet another Steve-based innovator!

Short. Masterful. HILARIOUS.

So don't fret if the beauty and consummate genius of our posts haven't quite sunk in yet. Like your deadbeat Dads, it'll come around eventually. Especially if we're dressed like hookers. ...Which we will be.


Thursday, February 18, 2016

Pitch Please - TX Live

What's it like inside the Pitch Please Huddle? It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way. I'm gonna be honest with you, it smells like pure gasoline. According to our rankings, 60% of the time, it works every time.

video

Papa Stephen's Babies - TX Live

This is a post about callin' folks on their BS.

#1 A lot of talk about someone else on the team sending in GMOT writeups, but no action. Looks like Papa's gotta take care of this shit himself! 

#2 Of course, I can't really be too mad. Not posting anything is just a SLIGHT step above the effort behind most of the posts below this one.  Here's my impression of a Winter 2016 GMOT post:



Hope y'all didn't hurt yourselves stretching your creative capacities to the limit there, I probably spent more time posting that picture to the blog than you did emailing me the link.

#3 I don't know if it's something in the water this Winter, but much like that alcoholic racist uncle at Thanksgiving there's something in the room we're just not talking about. There is an epidemic of loose butthole in the league.




Don't get me wrong, the vast VAST majority of folks in the league are the tightest of tight butthole. So tight. Unfortunately, there are a few folks who just get so loose butthole that they loosen all the buttholes around them, and the game devolves into one, big, gaping, loose butthole.  Nobody wants that. Typically it's about something silly that happened in the game that people get too competitive about and somehow people lose track of the fact that they're playing KICKBALL and devolve into alpha male apes hurling their feces at each other.

I just don't get it. Anaheim Ducks goalkeeper Ilya Bryzgalov expressed my confusion eloquently:



Some of the insults and yelling and name-calling I've heard this season make it seem like we're on stage at a Republic primary debate instead of on a kickball field. Come on people! It's time to Make Kickball Great Again and we need only look to the immortal words of two of the greatest Americans I've ever known: Bill S. Preston, Esq., and Ted "Theodore" Logan. 

I beseech you: heed these words! Live this credo! Only then can we have truly non-bogus kickball.

*AND*

Large Hardon Collider - TX Live



Sunday, February 14, 2016

At Least We're Having Fun - TX Live

Kickballs are red,
Our t-shirts are blue,
We really like butt stuff,
THE HAVING FUN CREW!

~~ Happy Valentines Day to All Our Fellow Teams!
    
          From: At Least We're Having Fun!

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Mid-Season Survey Highlights

You asked, I'm answering! Questions are from the anonymous comments in the mid-season surveys, answers are from Stephen.

Q: Sandbox scores are a joke.
A: Ok, kinda harsh. But you're right, they weren't working the way we intended, and we've done away with Sandbox Scores as of last week. Still be nice to each other though!

Q: "1st to 3rd line rule is stupid and dangerous if you have to wait until the ball is kicked to move. One should be able to approach once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand. This eliminates the play that happened last game where I (3B) ran full speed into our catcher. We could both have been seriously injured."
A: Without the encroachment line, a defender could begin running forward as soon as the ball is released and just stand directly in front of the kicker and block anything they kick, which is entirely game breaking. Bunting would be eliminated entirely by a good defense. The solution here is simply to communicate with each other and call each other off, no different from a pop fly between two players where communication is necessary to prevent the defenders from colliding.

Q: "While I love Corner Bar (especially the staff), I feel that for the Thursday night league it is just too small. There isn't a ton of room for the bar game and you usually have to ask people to move to participate."
A: I feel the same conflicting emotions. While there's certainly much more to partnering with a bar than just picking one and showing up, I'm always open to suggestions for more suitable solutions! Corner Bar is great in that we essentially own the place on Thursdays, the staff love us and treat us well, and they've got really great prices. Obviously it's small and parking is limited. What I look for in a bar partner is Size, Atmosphere, Prices, Parking, Location. Unfortunately it tends to be a "pick three" situation. Right now we've got atmosphere, location, and prices. Email me at stephen@kickball.com if you have suggestions!

Q: "i'd like to see less, but larger teams. For the past few seasons, its been a ride on the struggle bus to get people to show up. I get its kind of the nature of social sports to run off new players, epsc girls, but we have two girls on our team who have never showed, and that makes things difficult to field."
A: I have to advise changing the way you look at things on this. It is by no means the nature of social sports to run off new players, look at teams like Pitch Please or At Least We're Having Fun! Big teams with tons of women on them that have a great time every week and come back for more. If you put the focus on winning and then don't win, it's not fun. If you put the focus on having fun, then losing doesn't have to be a negative experience that turns people off! Big teams are big because a lot of people want to play with that group, not because they need a bigger pool of players to churn through as people not having a good time leave. We've struck at the 16 player minimum with 6 of each gender minimum to be the right balance over hundreds of seasons of experimenting. Looking for more players for next season's team? Come out to the pick up games before each season to recruit new players! (Side note: Stannis doesn't approve of your grammatical choices. Sorry can't help myself!)

Q: "The start times aren't guaranteed, the cones and bases remind me of PE ... the refs are just there to keep score ... , and the lack of uniforms during cold weather makes it hard to differentiate a teammate next to a base versus a bystander standing nearby."
A:

  • Start times can be delayed up to a 15 minute grace period for late arrivals per WAKA policy, but if games are starting later than this please notify me directly at stephen@kickball.com so I can take care of it. Your game should NEVER start later than 15 past the hour so that you can get the full 45 minutes without cutting into the next game's time slot.
  • It should remind you of P.E., that's kind of the point. We're playing kickball! While the baselines always start out straight, throw down bases tend to move around a little during play. Don't be shy about fixing them if you notice one has gotten knocked askew!
  • All of your refs have passed the Rules Certification exam with a 100% score, and generally speaking are the most knowledgeable people about the rules in the league. This of course doesn't guarantee they'll get every single call right, but talk to them if you have questions!
  • Uniforms under jackets are just part of the game in cold weather. It would be unfeasible to require players to wear their WAKA shirts on top of jackets, and prohibitively expensive to produce cold gear uniforms. Fortunately, March is just around the corner!

Q: "Bar games seem to happen too late."
A: Bar Games happen when our Social Coordinator arrives at the bar, and while she's super awesome about everything sometimes her team has a 9 PM game and they can't get there until 10:15 or so. Easy guideline: check to see when Pitch Please is playing, and count on bar games starting an hour and a half after their game starts!

Q: "Stephen got me pregnant too. He jacked me, big time, and now there's a baby growing in my belly. (Is that how it works?)"
A:



Thursday, February 4, 2016

Sportsmanship!

Hello boys and girls! Wanted to take a minute to give a shout out to the whole league for how awesome y'all have been so far this season with treating each other and the refs with respect. There have been a few moments of bristling, but on the whole this has been a great first half of the season with a really positive vibe.

As the season goes on, it's totally natural to get a little competitive. Even when it's something as silly as kickball it's still a competition, and winning is fun! Tight plays are going to happen, and here's the tidbit that we all really need to come to accept: Refs are going to get calls wrong sometimes, and that's OK. 

Until such time as we raise registration costs 44327784% to pay for high speed multi angle cameras and instant replay booths, we're going to be relying on the human element to make calls, and mistakes happen, and it's gonna feel like it's not fair when it's not in your favor. I'm not immune to that feeling, I got called out at home last week after sacrificing my body on a sweet corgi-kigurmi-clad slide and immediately got hot with the ref, because


But after a few seconds I calmed right down and shook hands with everyone and hugged it out with the ref, because he called it like he saw it and that's the most you can ask of a ref! A couple hours later I was reffing a game, made an out call at first base on a close play, and I'm ashamed to say the guy I called out handled it way better than me:



So take it easy out there, be respectful to the refs, and buy them a beer after the game to thank them for volunteering their time to improve your kickball experience! Plus you get 25 social points if you take a pic and post it on the Facebook Group with a #reflove hashtag and your team name in the caption!

Pitch Please - TX Live

List of 2016 Nobel Peace Prizes Candidates:

Pope Francis
Donald Trump
Edward Snowden
Women's Cycling Team from Afghanistan
Greek Island Groups Welcoming Syrian Refugees
Pitch Please