I awoke in a daze on a bathroom floor, eyes and lips plastered shut by the seed of a dozen truck drivers, and thought to myself: it's time to make a change. 2017 will be different. 2017 will be better.
1. Let's get more truckers in the mix this year. They don't make them like they used to. Cleanly shaven and intelligible- how disappointing. History has taught us that quantity can't replace quality, but history has limited itself to DPs and 3Ps. History is Bea Arthur's pristine hymen: a fleshy DMZ.
2. Condoms are stupid. You're constantly reminded not to hand plastic bags to your baby so why would you suffocate your first-born mouth to feed. The hog's gotta eat and a dental dam ain't no South Beach diet. Which brings me to my next topic-
3. What's for dinner? Let's eat more butts. What else are they there for, decoration? Probably should bedazzle my butthole, but I won't give that a separate bullet point.
4. Butts are a two-way hole and, therefore, very much a two-way street. Let's get our butts eaten more. And don't phone it in- really get in there and hit all the crannies. These things are nature's, well, buttholes. You come up with a good butthole simile. Sitting there judging me. Fuck you, motherfucker!
5. Put up with less shit from you. That's right. You've been a cocksucker from the start. I can't wait till your bitchface gets mouth cancer. Trump's America!
6. Positivity. Let's get real zen in 2017. Tell people we're spiritual and just work on ourselves. The universe is a swirling toilet around us and really wants us to figure something out.
Well that's about it. 2016 has killed and 2017 will kill even more. Let's agree to grab it by the pussy!