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Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - TX Live

Since our last game against relax we've taken some notes on how to win like them:

1.  Pedialyte!   Those guys chug it like they've had the shits for days with the exception of Joey who's 90% antifreeze from all the fireball he's consumed.  Beer is great for hydrating the rest of us but "real" champions quench their thirst from the baby food aisle.

2.  Bench your teammates!   That's right, drop a ball and you get to cheer your bestest friends on from the sideline because hey, that's what kickball is all about right?

3. Have a team dictator!  Nothing inspires team chemistry like a tyrant on the mound.  Don't get us wrong,  he's no Castro or Bin Laden, but nobody inspires "team building" like Jay.

So relax Relax.  We don't have these key attributes to compare ourselves to you and we don't want to shit on anybody.   We're too busy having fun with our balls in your mouths.

Seriously though, someone call poison control for Joey.  

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Snap Lords - TX-Republic

Well, this time the squirrelly-squirrel was kinda on me…and my team mates let me know it too.  How was I supposed to know that getting walked was so taboo?! (j.k. I should have known better.)

But in my defense, I wasn’t trying to get walked. I was waiting for just the right pitch to launch one into right field and become a game hero. (Hell yeah!). Yeah, no. Instead, I get out rounding third-base in a clearly foolish attempt to make it home. I didn’t even get hit with a ball! They didn’t even tag me out at home plate! Hell, I wasn’t even close! Everyone just knew I wasn’t going to make it. I ran my ass off, but they all knew anyways. That’s how much all of that sucked.

Anyways, besides that little mishap, the game with Team Livestrong was a good one. The very first kick was launched into the outfield and, bam: Livestrong is 1 point up. WTF?! It hasn’t even been five minutes!! Livestrong definitely surprised us initially, but we recovered, started making plays that counted, and had us up 6-3 at the end of the game. Total shout out to Bear with his two home runs!! “Who is this Bear?” you ask? Well, some of you may know him by another name…….Star Lord.

his week, we face Kickamunga! I predict this will be a tight game. I've noticed that their games have been much closer than their current standings might indicate, so we’ll be ready for a throw down that may last until the final minutes! We’ve learned our lesson from underestimating teams. I refer you to last season's attempt (see: epic fail) during playoffs. Never again!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Snap Lords - TX-Republic

What’s this?! More squirrely squirrel shenanigans?!?

Come on!!!! Now I won’t hesitate to give props to a team that beat us (and yes, Hannah Montana made some great plays that held the game and probably sealed the win). And I won’t hesitate to acknowledge when we’ve cooked our own goose (there was definitely some sloppy fielding out there and our kicks can occasionally leave something to be desired). But I also have to declare when “IT” happens. People who played that game knows what “IT” I’m talking about, and I can only describe “IT” as:

But whatever. Regardless, that was still a fun game to play (as per our usual bouts with Hannah Montana)!! Besides, it’s only the regular season. Very soon now the regular season will be over and then it’s on to all the glory that is PLAYOFFS.

(Yes, that is my alma mater and we show our happiness with Bernies.)

After a week off for ACL, we’re back in the saddle and ready to win against Team LIVESTRONG. And I just want to be clear on this: if Lance Armstrong does NOT show up (or at least does a ride-by) to the game, I shall consider your team name to be a form of trickery and seek revenge on you for making me act like an obnoxious fan girl.


Laura N. Carr

Thursday, October 2, 2014

#suckitharris - TX Republic

Once again Harris dropped the ball, picking us to win a game against the Toejammers which we of course got dominated in instead. We're making it official y'all, the domain www.suckitharris.com has been registered. We've got the tech team working on a wordpress blog that will aggregate all instantiations of #suckitharris on various social media platforms, and allow everyone to really get in on the fun.

In other news, it turns out that the all-female infield wasn't the best competitive decision, and that Andrew is actually a huge cheater because I'm pretty sure we only had 3 dudes on the field for a couple of innings. He TOTALLY made up for it with an awesome in-the-park home run with two outs in the top of the 5th, which was really just a shallow fly to left field that he decided to stretch into a triple (seriously people that guy is just not going to stop running unless there's a runner in front of him), evaded the throw at third with his patented Cox-first slide, and trotted in.

So basically, exactly what you like to see out of a P.E. Credit performance: plenty of silly errors in the field, overly ambitious baserunning that works about 30% of the time, and about 8 pitchers of pre-game beer downed at G&S prior to making our way to the fields.  We're all about Just For Fun kickball, which is why we play in the explicitly non-competitive, no-bunting, non-FC eligible league and do shit like seeing who can kick it the highest, base our kicking order on who shows up first, and put people at seemingly random positions on the field. Oh and talk endless amounts of smack to each other and the other team. 

If you're taking this league too seriously, let me tell you a little secret: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. If you're carefully crafting your fielding and kicking assignments for maximum efficiency instead of sharing equal playing time, kicking "not bunts" that are slow grounders down the third base line intended to do the exact thing bunts do, throwing crazy spinning pitches at the ladies on our team who are pitching silver platter meatballs to you, or in any other way generally being a hyper competitive douche nozzle acting like a big bad ass fish in the smallest pond you could possibly find, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF YOU AND YOU DESERVE IT. Besides, before you even step on the field you've already lost to us in the following categories:

1. Being attractive.
2. Not being unattractive.
3. Personal hygiene.
4. SAT verbal scores.
5. Having more ladies than guys on the team (Relax Bitches notwithstanding obvi)
6. Participation.

And thats what really counts.
P.E. Credit

Relax and Let It Happen - TX Live

Teabaggers are that “friend” that you pretend to be nice to but you actually hate. No matter what you want to do – a night at the movies, house party, hittin the clurb… some of your friends will be out, some will be in. Teabaggers are ALWAYS in. 

You’ve tried to send a not-so-subtle message. Beating them game after game, year after year. Don’t they get it? Stop trying to hang with us! You aren’t on our level and you never will be. But they are oblivious to your efforts. They have a 3 second rebound rate - they’re upset and sad and mad that they lost, and but a moment later they’re back in your face again, trying to hang.
Last week we really stepped out of the box – it was our last attempt at getting through to them. Shitting all over their dreams at 9-0. Maybe after this they’ll stop considering themselves as a legit, actual opponent to us and accept their true destiny .Relax to Teabaggers is crisp, fresh, organic Washington apples to moldy, imported, 3rd world oranges.

Teabaggers – we don’t care that you like us and we don’t care that you’re going to cramp our style in Vegas. Seriously, have a blast. Enjoy. Just stop claiming to be comparable to us. It’s not even close. 

Also, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING LETTING DRE ON YOUR TEAM? We thought we had taken one for the league with our last misstep, alerting all that allowing Dre to play with you is a horrible mistake. Teabaggers, that one is on you. We can only help so much.

Some people are champions. To everyone but Teabaggers, love you guys. Smooches y’all.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Snap Lords - TX-Republic

Last week, Snap Lords came into our game with Toejammers riding pretty high. We’d gotten a win over SMK, everybody was firing on all cylinders, and we had our new shirts! We were ready to notch another win in our belt of glory and look awesome doing it!

…And then the game started. Sometimes the fault lies with us not playing the way we should, and in some ways this game was no exception. There were plays we should have had and definitely mistakes we made. But I’m not gonna lie…some squirrely things happened at that game.

Regardless of the squirrely-squirrel, this game was basically a battle of the defenses. And like most defense-heavy games, it all comes down to whose defense gives in first. They were able to hold us from the win, but it was a single surprise kick launched into another field by Toejammers that sealed the tie.

This week we have a chance to redeem ourselves and then some! We’re facing off against another team that we constantly trade wins with: Hannah Montana’s XXX Tape! And like with SMK, these games are usually wild and clutch! This season Hannah has been DESTORYING their opponents. But not this game! It may be close, but we’ll be looking to hand Hannah their first loss of the season!

Those high-fives could get awkward….