Note: The images in this blog post have been digitally altered to protect the identity of the innocent, and to keep you from making out with your computer screen.
Due to an acute lack of game-time sobriety on my part I'm really not all that sure what happened last week, but a few significant happenings stand out in my mind.
1. We allowed somewhere between 10 and 40 runs.
2. Jay struck out looking at three consecutive pitches.
That's right. 3 pitches, 3 strikes, no swings. Despite this phenomenal lack of kickball IQ and the glaring distraction of pasty white thigh-flesh refracting sunlight into the defenses eyes every time I was at bat. Relax somehow pulled out a miraculous victory. It was down to the wire, but in the end they were just slightly better.
In more important news, the event that we've been waiting for since changing our name at the beginning of the season has finally arrived: the distribution of the August edition of Austin Monthly. At first glance the edition may seem innocuous enough with a cover story about Mac Brown rebuilding Longhorn Football, but then you reach the table of contents and BAM! You're hit with this:
I took one look and was immediately just as wet as the hunk of man climbing out of the lake. My first instinct was to gouge my eyeballs out as I was sure I would never see anything more beautiful, but luckily I resisted that premature notion. Page 86, the table of contents told me, began a photo expose of Austin's top 10 eligible bachelors. Could it be? Were there more images of masculine perfection? I turned to page 86. Ex NFL linebacker? Blah. ESL teacher? Lame. Dirty hipster who works at Home Slice? Not interested. Old dude restaurateur? Yuck. Then I moved on to Page 92.
NOW i can safely gouge my eyes out, because I've seen everything I need to see in this life. I know this man has been receiving dozens of nominations for the Love Connection column and ducked the interviews, so here he is ladies.
{Name Redacted}: UT Men's Rowing Head Coach, Financial Advisor, triathlete, cook, and savior of dying puppies.
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