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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Sons of Pitches - TX Live

WHAT? The Sons of Pitches are two games in to the season and (technically) undefeated? You better believe it. How can this be? What sort of sorcery is happening here? It isn’t magic people, it’s called skill. All skill. Pure, unadulterated skill.
Sailor Moon Dance photo 


Yeah…we pretty much look that awesome out on the field. Okay, so maybe not THAT awesome. But it still feels pretty damn good. How good you may ask? This good:
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That’s right. It’s like wanting a hot dog, then being showered with hundreds of them. All over your face. Raw. You don’t even need the mustard. Seriously, we’re excited. We broke our 12-20 game losing streak (but who’s counting) with an all-out win, then backed it up with a tie. We may have lost our #18 spot in the Live Power Rankings but that’s okay because we still have these:

And now, it’s time for a little segment I like to call, “Conversations with Drunk Pitches.” After an amazing win (or a no- longer-so-upsetting loss) the Sons of Pitches like to head over to the bar for a little post-game celebrating with adult beverages and even more adult conversations. After our first win in a while, we got a little over zealous and may have enjoyed a few too many liquid refreshments. We began discussing the finer points of resume building…for pimps and drug dealers. If you are, in fact, a pimp or drug dealer who is looking for a new career (kudos to you) then feel free to use the following list of skills to spice up your resume and enhance your “professional” image. • Entrepreneurial spirit with a drive to build a profitable business. • Ability to build and maintain excellent client relationships by providing high-level customer service. • Strong marketing and canvasing skills especially in back-alleys, crowded clubs and school districts. • Excellent managerial skills and not afraid to use the pimp-hand when hoes get out of line. • Years of cash handling experience and ability to spot a fake bill on sight. • Large network of high-end clients and suppliers who will do anything I ask in order to maintain secrecy. Certifications and achievements include: Master of the Pimping Arts, Back-Room Cashier Level III, Hoe-Handlers License, Defense Against Abusive Johns Level II (currently working on Level III certification), Basement Meth Lab Certified, Highest Grossing Dealer Award 3 years in a row, Lowest Hoe Attrition Rate 5 years in a row and last year’s winner of Lowest Percentage of STD’s Transmitted.


You’re welcome.

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