Sing this in your head to the tune of Run DMC’s song, “Tricky”:
We are the Sons of Pitches,
We’ll make you all our bi*ches,
We’ll kick and punt and f**k you up,
And leave you needing stiches.
That’s right, we have our own cheer. Why? Because we’re badasses like that.
We haven’t made an appearance in the GMOT in quite some time so I would like to introduce you to the awesomeness that is The Sons of Pitches (the original Pitches). I asked the Pitches to present me with a short bio for the GMOT…some did, some didn’t. Those who didn’t were warned that their bios would be filled in by me. See if you can spot the differences.
You may know her as the girl who yells really loud and makes everyone uncomfortable, but there is so much more! In addition to her Shih Tzus being the cutest Shih Tzus ever to grace WAKA, her ability to fall down for absolutely no apparent reason is unparalleled. Not sure of the score? Don’t ask Abby! She was drunk before she even left her house to head to the fields. Don’t know what inning it is? Again, she has no idea. Seriously…no idea what’s going on at any given time.
Erika had hung up her cleats for retirement but she has dusted them off to give it another go. Let’s see if her skills haven’t stayed in retirement. (We’re actually really excited to have Erika back – she’s pretty much the best female pitcher in the league.)
Lisa is a kickball-aholic. She could quite possibly be the only legitimate baby boomer on the team (she has Chuck Taylor high tops older than the rest of the team). She’s been playing kickball since the Johnson administration. Lyndon, not Andrew. Lisa drives a cab at night and, yes, everything you can imagine, good and bad, has probably happened in that taxi. She’s a total word nerd (Scrabble, anyone?), a passionate Libertarian and a fiddle player. Lisa is married, has three grown sons, one newly teenaged daughter, two dogs and three cats. If she doesn’t answer her cell phone, it’s probably because she’s at the movies. Look for her on the fields! (Maybe get her digits, you may need her taxi services downtown sometime.)
Nobody knows where Ben is from. Seriously, he’s told us about 12 different times (we may have been white girl wasted at the time) and, much like Abby on any givennight, we still have no idea. But, he’s got some kind of magical leg power and is great at getting us some runs on the board so we decided to keep him.
Walker has been with the Son’s of Pitches since the day they became the Son’s of Pitches. He may not be the fastest on the field but he can hold down 1st and 3rd base like a Lion holding down a Gazelle (if the Gazelle were actually running directly towards the Lion, of course, not the other way around). Walker may have “accidentally” nailed a girl in the face with a kickball one time, but it was only because she was about a foot shorter than he thought she should have been (whoops). You can find him on the field with his fabulously decked out rainbow kickball cup filled with Irish energy juice. Come say hi! (I’m Walker, the one writing this GMOT entry…you’re welcome.)
Arwin’s super-speed and ability to catch high-flying balls in the outfield have given him high ranks within the SOP’s. His Mohawk may, in fact, contribute to his ability to outrun his opponents. Don’t let his stature fool you when you’re up to kick and sizing up the field. If you kick in the Tiger’s face, the Tiger will bite.
Emily has quickly become a valuable asset to the SOP’s with her awesome kicking abilities and questionable morals. If you need an announcement made in a packed bar, she’ll make it happen. Can’t get that bottle of wine open? She’s got it. Need a floor put in? Don’t worry, Emily’s on it. She may be quick to do the Sloppy Swish with any (ANY) hottie that comes her way but we don’t judge her for that.
Kickballin’ since 2009…2 legit 2 quit. (Real talk – we all luv Aida. She’s small and sometimes easy to miss. If youmess with her, you mess with all of us.)
Raven (like James – see the rookie section below) may not be our strongest athlete, but much like a wart on the back of our hand, she’s grown on us (whether we wanted her to or not). She’s loud, she drinks weird beer, she gets handsy when she’s drunk (easy lay anyone?) and her morals are questionable. Raven is on our team though…so, we have to keep her.
We told Kyle to run down anything at the catcher’s mound and he hasn’t let us down since. He may not know exactly what’s going on but he’ll chase down a ball or a runner with no reservations. Whiskey runs through his veins and sweats out his pores. He recently cut off his long, flowing locks and now he looks like a well-adjusted young man. Ladies, you may think you want to hit on him but be warned, his wife (and former SOP) is a Derby chick…draw your own conclusions.
Steven has come back for his second season with the Sons of Pitches. His hobbies include collecting Care Bears (Funshine Bear is his all-time favorite), prancing around like a Unicorn (with attached horn and long, flowing tail) and attempting to bring honor to his family (so far…it’s going). He’s part Chinese (seriously, his eyes look like they’re bowing to each other) but don’t let that fool you, he’s not exactly what you would refer to as “book smart” or athletic. But, Steven’s one of our own and drinks beer so that makes him cool to us.
Many wonder, but few truly understand what it takes to be James Shirley. To reach the unparalleled narcissism, unequaled cynicism, and unsurpassed apathy that James routinely displays, one would have to train with Tibetan monks for decades. James managed to achieve it with just a few years of substance abuse.
While his kickball skills are questionable at best, James still manages to make himself the center of attention through sheer volume and terrible displays of athletic prowess. He can frequently be found yelling at players of various teams (sometimes teams he is not currently playing against) while the ball slowly and gently glides past him, and the runner is quickly making his/her way along the baselines.
Despite these glaring and obvious failings, James has been accepted into the folds of the Pitches for a second time. He hopes to outdo himself and consistently be drunker and louder than before; a feat scientists would have previously considered nigh impossible.
He’s not an ambi-turner but much like Miley Cyrus, he too came in like a wrecking ball.
Jacob…he once failed at a 72 ounce steak challenge.