LAST WEEK v. Stride of Pride
I'll give you this, Stride of Pride: you tried your darndest. You gave about as much effort as Tanker does failing to get laid. The only problem is that the actual outcome was the kickball-equivalent of Tanker receiving a sad OTPBJ in a dark alley from a snaggle-toothed prostitute. (We know those weren't tears of joy, Tanker.) But keep your head up, Stride of Pride: you're sure to hit a home run sometime. (Tanker, you might be stuck on first, buddy.)
And Tanker, this is what I meant when I told you that you're the new Dre:
The same weird girl who brought you the Dre of Shame trading card series is proud to announce this exciting new spin on shame: The Shame Tank! Collect 'em all!
THIS WEEK v. Awful Waffles
I really can't talk trash to the Waffles. I mean, why would I? I'm a former Waffle myself, and once a Teenage Mutant Ninja Waffle, always a TMNW, right? Now, I know you don't want to play us (we ain't mad at ya for that), but we have a promise for you: we won't be gentle.
It's nothing personal, Waffles, but when a certain WAKA Regional Manager, who shall remain nameless (RHYMES WITH FUNDY), sends us an email demanding that we, CANDY VAN, purveyors of all things WEIRD and FUN, be fun for this game.... well, ya know, we don't take that lightly.
So Waffles, we'd like you to meet this week's new and improved Candy Van: CV TEAM 6.
In times of war and uncertainty there is a special breed of kickball team ready to answer TX Capital's call.
A common team with uncommon desires forged by adversity, they stand alongside Austin's finest kickballers to serve their league, the American people, and protect their Way of Life.
We are that team!
Our loyalty to Kickball and Team is beyond reproach. We humbly serve as Enablers to our fellow Kickballers, always ready to drink for those who are unable to drink for themselves. We voluntarily accept the inherent hazards of our state of inebriation, placing the welfare and security of others before our own.
We will NEVER Quit!
We persevere and thrive on adversity. TX Capital expects us to be physically harder and mentally stronger than our enemies.
We are NEVER out of the fight!
We demand discipline. We expect innovation. The lives of our Teammates and the success of our mission depend on each one of us, our technical skill, tactical proficiency, and attention to dougie-ing.
We will NOT fail!
So Awful Waffles, it's simple: don't dress like terrorists if you want to live.