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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Candy Van (Redux)

I know that I already wrote something for this week's GMOT, but all this talk about what kind of girls Relax and Walks are made us a little jealous. So, let us go ahead and tell you what kind of girl Candy Van is. Because we're damn proud of who we are.

Candy Van is the drunk girl at the bar. You know the one: leaning on the bar, looking half-asleep and half-dead, but still trying to convince everyone that she's really not that drunk. At some point in the night, she'll mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and return 10 minutes later, triumphantly proclaiming that she puked and now she's ready to rally. She probably has vomit in her hair and toilet paper stuck to her bare foot (because her feet were starting to hurt from her heels), but that won't stop her from trying to make out with everyone at the bar. 

At some point she'll get sad that everyone is treating her like a drunk girl and she'll demand that everyone stop treating her like she's wasted. Then, she'll anger-dance it off either in an open area or on a table. After dancing off her anger/forgetting about it, she'll go back to her friends and slur some combination of the words best, friends, night, fucking, and love. At around 1:50, her friends will find her making out with some random guy at the bar. When they try to pull her away, she'll fight them saying that she really likes him, nay LOVES him, and wants to go home with him because he seems like a really great guy AND he watches It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Her friends will remind her that about 20 minutes before then she said, "I'm gonna make out with that guy, but I don't want to. Don't let me go home with him." Drunk girl will have completely forgotten this, but she will begrudgingly go home with her friends anyway. 

She'll wake up in the morning wearing the same clothes she had on the night before wondering why her mouth tastes like a combination of garbage, vodka, vomit, and Whataburger. And then she'll vomit again and try to shower off her bar stank, but not before realizing she won the honor of wearing the Drunkest Girl At the Party sash and tiara. Again. 

So WAKA, meet Candy Van: the drunkest girl at the party. 

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