WAKA Fantasy Draft Walk of Shame Preview
I know we're a week late with this since the season started last week, but if the Walks aren't playing, is there really a season going on? Does anyone care about the other teams? No. So here it is, the much anticipated fantasy player-by-player preview broken down into terms you understand.
Andre: Roy Williams - The crafty aging star who has his moments, but you gotta place a big question mark in the hands category. Maybe save him for a mid-round selection.
Bruce: Anquan Boldin - The man with the death wish. No matter how many times Boldin gets crushed by a LB going over the middle, he keeps going back. Bruce will eventually die from a concussion diving for foul balls, but let's hope until then he keeps catching them.
Mizzy: Larry Fitzgerald - She's been around forever and quietly just keeps having All-Star Seasons. Worth the high pick every time.
Leeho: Tony Romo - Will he ever be healthy and live up to his potential? Here's to hoping. No coincidence that he has Romo, Miles Austin, Jamaal Charles, and Mario Manningham on his fantasy team either.
Krystel: Tim Hightower - After a few seasons in the league, she's really starting to hit her stride and show those naysayers what she's made of. Not sure if she has a six-egg chocolate milkshake every morning for breakfast too.
Slob: Maurice Jones-Drew - May not be the flashiest player in the league, but the perennial first round pick always puts up the numbers and gets the job done.
Alex: Adrian Peterson - First off, you're welcome for the Sooner comparison. Secondly, Alex became an All-Star from Day 1 - Andre's second greatest recruit, next to Tanker. Always a good choice for a top 3 selection, without the fumblitis.
Kerry: Peyton Manning - Kerry was in his prime until a devastating injury derailed his MVP dreams. Can he come back and shine again?
Erin: Matt Leinart - Got one hell of a nightlfe! See: http://deadspin.com/5841427/hey-look-more-photos-of-matt-leinart-hanging-out-with-party-girls
Cindy: Bill Belichick - Just a great coach. Always has the right players in the right places. Headed for a Hall of Fame career.
Richard: Brett Favre - Minus the retirement and the "pexts" (Yeah you know what those are ladies. You've probably even gotten a few from Andre) Here's a man that'll play through some pain! Worry about the stitches later, I got some catching to do!
HIP! HIP! JORGE!: Antonio Gates - For a big man, he's deceptively fast. And he's capable of that huge performance that'll win you a game anytime.
Jonah: Adam Podlesh - Cause really, who knew there was a Jew in the league? Sorry for the punter comparison but I'm drawing blanks here.
Louis: Phil Hellmuth - Oh we're doing football comparisons? Sorry, but Louis only speaks poker. He's so sick!
Ryan: Troy Polamalu - You want to mess with him? Thought not. That dude is a crazy.
Jessica: Mark Ingram - Buy high on that rookie! She's on track to be a star (as soon as she can undo whatever she learned at A&M).
Butler: Plaxico Burress - Butler is making his much-anticipated return and should put up some huge numbers. No truth to the rumors that he shot himself though.
Hillary: Nnamdi Asomugha - The most coveted free agent signing of the offseason. Dre has been trying to get her on the team for three years now.
Sean: Stevie Johnson - Came out of NOWHERE and all of the sudden is a huge addition to everyone's fantasy rosters. Take no later than 3rd round.
Matt: Josh Cribbs - Sure does make some exciting plays, right?
Zorica: Tom Brady - Year she plays kickball, but there's also the modeling career on the side.
Erika: Ronnie Brown - Dangerous in the wildcat offense. She can pitch and play the field. No one saw this pickup coming.
So there you have it. Now you're ready for your WAKA Fantasy Draft. Please send your winnings my way after the season.