Don't worry, we'll pick up your kids from school. And we have free candy, so we're totally legit. Don't believe me? That's fair. You don't know us. But once you do, you'll see that we're just a charming bunch of hooligans, diligently searching for the hottest playground in town.
If you want to meet us, we'll be the ones mastering "The Creep." and stretching in inappropriate ways. Feel free to yell "what up, pervs" as we take our YOG (that's candy van for jog) around the fields. And if you really want to get to know us, find our table at Third Base tonight for our Second Annual Candy Van Creeper Awards. There's even a surprise award for everyone's favorite d bag - Joey Thomas!
This year's creepy roster:
Alli "Gator" B. - Don't be fooled by how innocent she looks. She won our sexy off AND she actually works with children for a living. Plus her nickname is GATOR.
Megan "MmmReilly" R. - Resident hot blonde. Everyone needs one, and we got her back after she took the summer off.
Natalie "Nat Attack: R. - She'll be wearing nothin' but a tutu and bikini top. The less she's wearing, the better she plays.
Valerie "Captain VAG" G. - One half of the creepiest captain team ever to hit the fields of Gillis Park. She'll be the one with the perma-creep walk due to double-MCL sprains. Also acceptable ways to describe her walk: skeletor, slow-motion t-rex, or robot.
Telina "Still needs a nickname" G. - Our newest female on the Candy Van roster, she may de-thrown Valerie as most competitive girl on the team. We'll see. And we just hope she's ready for her Friday morning hangovers.
Megan "Skankbot McLunderson" L. - Fanny pack? Check. Hot pink party hat? Check. Always in costume? YEP. That's the one. You may know her from such films as "she runs the league" and "she'll make you slap the bag." The one and only Lundy!
Luis "Caramel Bear" O. - He'll be the one acting like he's creeped out by everything we say. But I predict by game 4, he'll be the one helping Foxy stretch.
Tom "Captain D Bag" H. - The White Steve Urkel of the Candy Van squad, the other half of the creepy captaining duo, and not actually a douche bag. Also most likely to dress up as Jessie Spano and sing "I'm so Excited" at you during the Saved by the Bell theme night.
Matthew "Foxy" F. - If this were Teen Girl Squad, he'd be the cheerleader. Just because he's so hot and he always has a guy stretch him out before the game. Also likes to wear small, pink tank tops.
Matty "Matty A" A. - His uniform consists of a cape and pink underwear. Also a possessor of the more power with less clothing characteristic. You'll just be jealous you don't have abs like him.
Ryan "Dog Owner/The Nuts" H. - The true bruiser, you won't be able to tell if he's walking up to you to hug you or put his fist through your cheek bones, and that's why we love him. WILD CARD! (He's not really violent.)
Ryan "Moosetard/Pitbull" M. - He'll be the guy in a cast barking at you. Or WHOOP!-ing like a dementor. If you're still not sure, we'll all be yelling MOOOOOOOOOOSE at him.
Patrick "Chapa" C. - Our resident Mexican, he'll be the one doing sweet dance moves/falling over and trying to salvage it. He'll also be the one hoping he'll live that down at some point.
Stephen "Kenneth" R. - Possibly the sneakiest creeper of the team. He looks so cool with his C-walking ways and then BOOM! transition to the creep.