CANDY VAN

So, here's what we know: our game last week against Teabaggers was fraking ugly. Like, really fraking ugly. So ugly, in fact, that it prompted me to google image search 'ugly.' Author's note: I don't wish that on anyone. It sort of confirmed that the internet, myself included, is full of terrible humans.

I don't want to dwell too much on that tragic event that we're calling a kickball game, but I will say this: we were the fraking McPoyles. We thought we were looking fiiiine. We thought warm milk was a great idea on that balmy Thursday evening. We even grew our unibrows out for the occasion. We were ALL about the ugly last week. 

Our mustaches bring all the boys to the yard.

This week, we're about grace. This is the week we take our awkward bunch of ducklings and turn into an awkwardly aggressive flock of swans. This week, we play Relax. 

This is pretty much how I guarantee their GMOT will read:

- We're a dynasty.

- We're the best team in the league.

-The last time Candy Van beat us was a total fluke and only happened because we didn't have our good players show up.

- Even members of Candy Van want to play with us and are on our roster.

- KATE!

This might be considered trash talk.

We're not about that. We're above the petty trash talk that comes between so many friendships. I don't need to attack someone and make them sad. Ain't nobody got time to be a hater! Let's be positive! (Just not HIV+, y'all. Safe sex is good sex.) 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Relax, I just want you to know that you don't need to put on such a tough guy front. We know that, deep down, you just want to be loved. You want more than anything for this league to accept you, and we understand that you're used to people only accepting that you're athletic, good at sports, and attractive. You guys are, for all intents and purposes, the Girls with Low Self-Esteem of the league (sans flashing).

Honesty hour: no one really remembers those surfboards in the shot.

I'm here to tell you, Relax, that you can be so much more than that. No longer do you need to be feared, loathed, and even sometimes hated: we here on Candy Van KNOW that you can be better. We know that you are fun human beings who play awesome games like True American until someone falls down. We know that you're so much fun off the kickball field. We're your friends!

In a world where Tom is Lucille and Jay is Michael.

We play you 3 times this season, and we want more from you. We want more from you than you just attempting to beat people into submission. Come to the bar once in awhile. Take a breath! Have a beer! Just take the advice of your name and RELAX! We believe in you guys! Show the rest of the league just how FUN you can be! We love you, Relax. We really do! 

So, we have a challenge for you: Out-America us. Do it. Prove you're worthy of our drunken love, and I promise that I (Valerie… and the rest of the team) will personally hump each and every one of you.

We know you're just playing hard to get.

LOVE,

CANDY VAN