Dillon Panthers

The Dillon Panthers are new to semi-pro kickball.  Like any predator entering new territory, we have spent the first two weeks of the season sizing up our competition and getting the lay of the land.  Other than the extreme volatility in the application of the “pitch slower to girls” rule and the Japanese baseball-like emphasis on small ball, I’ve come to a major realization as official scribe of the Dillon Panthers: semi-pro kickball is like the Real Worldvs. Road Rules Challenge.

For those unfamiliar with this excellent bit of programming (a group as mysterious to me as the Two and a Half Men fan base), The Challenge originally pitted veterans of MTV’s two major reality programs against one another.  As the years went on, and producers mixed up the format, competitions became increasingly intense and patterns of behavior began to emerge—patterns that remind me of our league.

1. The same core people keep coming back.

Wes. Coral. CT. Paula. Abe.  It’s not a Challenge if these people aren’t around pulling each others’ hair and becoming eskimo brothers and sisters.  These returners give successive seasons a sense of continuity and create a cast of characters you watch the show to see.  Same seems true in our league.  Reading through GMOT, it seems like many of the teams have been around for years and have all kinds of fun internal rivalries and story arcs that we can follow as the season goes on.  I can’t wait for the reunion show.

1. “Rookies” are initially discounted and rarely win.

Rookies typically do not do well in Challenges.  The veteran people have a major advantage in developing chemistry with each other and getting good at the unique athletic demands of the Challenge.  It seems like there is a lot of talk about veteran teams doing the same in our league.  The Week 2 power polls suggest the same.  In the most recent Challenge, newcomers LeRoy and Michael were counted out early but hung around long enough to finish third, a major Challenge coup.  The Dillon Panthers are LeRoy and Michael… though we plan to do better than third.

1. Slutty people.

Hard to determine the relative chastity of the league at this point, but in our first game a girl ran directly from second base to home.  What a hussy.

1. Extreme (athlete) host in wild clothing.

Lundy.

So, there you have it.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

PurpleSaurus Rex

Turns out last weeks video wasn't as accurate a prediction as a violet therapod might have hoped.  The evil Robotkicks somehow managed to take Skynet online, and began their extermination of the human race with Field #3 at 8 PM last Thursday.  There were no survivors.

Highlights of the night included an empty cooler of PurpleSaurus Punch, Lundy dropping a fly ball in the outfield (MVP), and my minions helping me to sell $105 worth of jello shots to all the awesome kickballers that wanted to add 'gelatinous' to the list of adjectives that could describe their night. I don't want to toot my own horn but thats a pretty SOLID number (TOOOOOT!) and the gauntlet has been thrown down for anyone to beat it.

PurpleSaurus is on the two steps forward - one step back plan of progression to their first WAKA title. Create PurpleSaurus and then win our first game in classic fashion? Two steps forward. Lose a well-fought ame on one great kick* from a Candy Van ringer? One step back, and a baby step at that. One might even call it a step forward because we ALL knew that the Robotkicks' delicate sense of self-worth hinged entirely on their performance that night, and mercy is one of the true marks of greatness.

There appears to be a lot of talk about what sort of lady various teams are, so I'm going to go with the established motif here and educate you on what kind of girl PurpleSaurus Rex is:

It's 1:50 AM and you're in full on anything-with-a-pulse-will-do survival mode when you spot her over in the corner. This girl is a BEAST. Beady eyes, leathery skin, she probably weighs a ton or more. "Slump-buster" you think and move in for the kill. You walk up, hand her the drink you bought at last call and lay down your best lines about who she's going home with tonight, while she murmurs and grunts in what can only be agreement. You look deep into her eyes and see exactly what you were hoping for: hunger. This girl wants it, and you're going to give it to her. Suddenly your tongues are intertwined and you're grasping at each other with a ferocity you never thought possible. Blood is running down your chin as her talon like teeth gnash at your lips ... wait WHAT?  Too late you realize you're MAKING OUT WITH A F***ING DINOSAUR and she rips open your belly with one fell swipe her powerful hing leg. You can hardly hear yourself screaming in terror as you spend your last moments thrashing helplessly while watching PurpleSaurus Rex devour your glittering entrails.

*Quick note on that kick: DAMN. I know you couldn't see it Tom because you were already rounding 2nd base, but that thing was still on the way UP when it went over the right fielder; you were home long before she ever pulled it out of the church parking lot. Go play in Capital and quit shitting on our dreams.

Candy Van (Redux)

I know that I already wrote something for this week's GMOT, but all this talk about what kind of girls Relax and Walks are made us a little jealous. So, let us go ahead and tell you what kind of girl Candy Van is. Because we're damn proud of who we are.

Candy Van is the drunk girl at the bar. You know the one: leaning on the bar, looking half-asleep and half-dead, but still trying to convince everyone that she's really not that drunk. At some point in the night, she'll mysteriously disappear to the bathroom and return 10 minutes later, triumphantly proclaiming that she puked and now she's ready to rally. She probably has vomit in her hair and toilet paper stuck to her bare foot (because her feet were starting to hurt from her heels), but that won't stop her from trying to make out with everyone at the bar. 

At some point she'll get sad that everyone is treating her like a drunk girl and she'll demand that everyone stop treating her like she's wasted. Then, she'll anger-dance it off either in an open area or on a table. After dancing off her anger/forgetting about it, she'll go back to her friends and slur some combination of the words best, friends, night, fucking, and love. At around 1:50, her friends will find her making out with some random guy at the bar. When they try to pull her away, she'll fight them saying that she really likes him, nay LOVES him, and wants to go home with him because he seems like a really great guy AND he watches It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Her friends will remind her that about 20 minutes before then she said, "I'm gonna make out with that guy, but I don't want to. Don't let me go home with him." Drunk girl will have completely forgotten this, but she will begrudgingly go home with her friends anyway. 

She'll wake up in the morning wearing the same clothes she had on the night before wondering why her mouth tastes like a combination of garbage, vodka, vomit, and Whataburger. And then she'll vomit again and try to shower off her bar stank, but not before realizing she won the honor of wearing the Drunkest Girl At the Party sash and tiara. Again. 

So WAKA, meet Candy Van: the drunkest girl at the party. 

Walk of Shame™

Okay so we lost. It's happened before, it won't be the last time either. But we know what you're going to do here. You're going to tell us what "girl we're like". But that's boring. We're going to tell you about the kind of girl you are.


You see, Relax is like that girl in high school who everyone thought was good looking when you looked at her. All the guys wanna hit it. Little did they know her looks were covering up a truly sick woman. She has a drug habit. Her two front teeth are fake. She performs fellatio on math teachers for passing grades. Her parents are bankrupt. Her life is in shambles and no one is taking notice. Then one day she goes to Hollywood to hit it big and be a model. She ends up doing nude pictures for a guy she met at In and Out Burger. He promises to make her a star. He takes polaroids of her. She finds out the only way to success when she's out there is to do porn. Now she's doing blow and sucking off men wearing gold chains. After 10 months, no one ever hears from her again until she comes back home "born again" and now sucks off the youth minister at a church, only now it's acceptable as she's married to him.


This is the metaphor for what's going to happen to you in Vegas. You guys think you're hot shit, but you're not. No one actually cares that you beat a team from Florida in a tournament that wasn't even sanctioned by WAKA. Let's be honest here. Florida is only cool if you're going to Nickelodeon or Universal Studios, so you get no love for that.


Also, you're thieves. Half of your wack ass roster for Vegas is stolen. Will didn't play on your team. You stole him. Alex didn't (and still doesn't now) play on your team. You tried to steal her. Let's see who else? Oh Clay. Yeah, his ass didn't play for your team. He was an orphan boy after his brother left town. So you stole him. Sarah Nelson was an transplant from Maine. How could I forget! Tanker! Yeah, our pitcher. You are "borrowing" him for Vegas. The funny thing about this pickup is that he's actually BETTER than your current starting pitcher. You don't believe me Jay Russell? Ask your teammates they'll tell you. Go ahead. Ask Hutch. Ask Joey. They'll tell you.


You see. Appearances my friends. On the outside, it's all good. But when you peel back the layers, you're just an easy lay. A cheap thrill. When you go and see the other pretty girls in Vegas, you'll go back to doing what you know how to do best- and that's lie down, Relax... And Let it Happen.


(Shannon... Call me) ;-)

Candy Van

Well, it looks like Candy Van was comin' in too hot, because we don't have another kickball game until October 13. Since I'm pretty good at telling the future, I have a few guesses of some events that will transpire in the next few weeks:

- Captain DBAG will marry a stripper he met in Vegas.

- Captain VAG will go for her first post-MCL sprain run. (No really, it's exciting, guys!)

- Chapa will return from Mexico.

- Matty A will return from China with new tiny clothing items to wear to kickball.

- We'll finally come up with a nickname for Telina.

- MmmReilly will continue being hot.

- Dog Owner Ryan H. will get kicked out of Third Base at some point.

- Nat Attack will point and laugh at Valerie as she drunkenly fan-girls all over Sims and tries to tell him about her "bad ass" rap persona, Vuhjyna.

- This will happen again at least twice:

Just picture THAT playing you in kickball. Or in the Candy Van. Whichever. Happy bye week, kickballllaaaas!

Relax and Let it Happen

Usually after we dominate the Walks, I make the "we made you take the Walk of Shame" joke. But I can't even joke right now. This is f***ing serious. Walk of Shame used to be an average to above avg team. What happened? Did Tanker mean that much to your team?  He was a good pitcher and people had to earn their way on base, but damn!!! These days, anyone can get on. They had 3 to 4 different pitchers against us and each one was worse than the person before them. 

You guys could never really produce runs, but you were good at defense. Why would you put Dre in the outfield?! Who made that decision? There needs to be some accountability on this team because it's slowly going to the shitter and it's sad. No leadership! No direction! Why are you guys going in the wrong direction as a team? 

Walk of Shame is like that girl that is slowly blossoming into a good looking girl. She was the smelly girl in elementary school, but in middle school she started to shower, sprouted some bitties, and got braces to fix the triple gap she was sporting. You think to yourself, one day, this below average chick will grow up to be doable. You even mark it on your google calendar to holler at her in 2 years. Then all of a sudden, you come back to school after summer and BAM, she's all fugged out all over again. Her youthful boobs are sad and droopy. She smells bad again. She ate popcorn and drank coke everyday with her braces so now her teeth are just gross. Like the Walks, she showed so much promise at one point, but now she's a sad sight. You IMMEDIATELY delete your google calendar reminder. 

You know there's a pretty girl under the matted hair and pimples, but you'll probably never see it again. Get it together Walks! Dre get your team in order! Alex, jump ship before you drown! Drowning is not fun! 

Shout out to Sam, the newest member of Relax adding to our already stellar collection of superior athletes. Where do we keep finding these people? Don't answer that question it was rhetorical!

Wish us luck in Vegas. We're currently ranked #1 in Texas and #4 in the world. Come watch our games to help get your team better. Ask the Teabaggers, it works! Kinda. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen

Pitches B Tripping

Today is a special day. This is the earliest in a season that we've ever won a game! We usually wait until the 6th or 7th game of the season to turn on the heat -- just in time to get creamed in the playoffs -- but we pulled out a great win last night.

Refereeing was questionable. 2 runs were pulled off the board due to close calls at the plate, but from my biased point of view, we scored. too bad i can't say the same about my bedroom conquests later on in the night. my leg got torn up a bit sliding into second and home (one of the runs that was called back).

The saved by the bell theme was a big hit. I found a cat. cats like me.

I would also like to take the time to extend a challenge to any and every team out there. we will beat you in any bar game you choose. if you think you're better than us, prove it. my guess is you aren't.

Dillon Panthers

After a tough loss in their first contest as a team, the Dillon Panthers gathered around Captain Becca Henken for a post-game wrap-up.  Knees were bloodied.  Pitching arms were sore.  Beers were spilled. Spirits were low.  Captain Henken, reminded of a time when another new team* had suffered an early defeat before rising to greatness gave the following speech:

‘I wanted everyone’s friends and family to be in here to hear this, gentlemen and ladies. I have never been more proud of a kickball team than I am right now. I am in awe of each and every one of you gentlemen, and ladies. (Long dramatic pause) You played average to above average kickball tonight. This is the game that people are gonna talk about for years to come. This is the game you are gonna talk about. There’s not a single person in this room that’s ever gonna be the same. You be proud of yourselves. Because gentlemen, and ladies, you are champions.’

Second base-woman Christine Fallon was a little confused by this speech.  She was confused because there were no friends and family around, and she was confused because she was fairly certain people would not be talking about what had been a rather uneventful kickball game for years to come.  Mostly, she was just confused because she had never seen NBC’s nonfiction documentary, “Friday Night Lights.”

Fallon was certainly not the only one on the team who hadn’t seen the documentary, and for those who hadn’t, this post-game speech understandably came off a little weird.  For those who had, tears wet the dusty ground of Gettis Park.

Next week, we will be sure to introduce the Panthers and let you find out a little more about your 2011 league champions.  Until then, always remember:

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

* Ok so in that case it was the East Dillon Lions and not the (West) Dillon Panthers.  It was still Coach.  Cut me a break.

Robotkicks

If there's one question I've often considered, it's this: Can Robots Play Kickball? (Yes, I said often considered. But I also think a lot about robots. Too much, probably...) But if you're like me and wonder if Robots can play kickball, wonder no more! At the end of this entry, you will be convinced that yes, our mechanical brothers and sisters can, and will, succeed in WAKA. And they'll look shiny doin' it.

Top 5 Reasons Why Robots Kick Ass at Kickball
5. They won't let emotion hold them back from total annihilation. Just ask the boy who couldn't cry.
4. You can program them to win. If they're programmed to win, all they'll do is win because it's all they know.
3. Consistency, consistency, consistency. Every kick/play they make will be text book. There might be a small margin of error, but it's minimal in comparison to humans. And just think about how awesome they'll be at flip cup with that level of consistency!
2. Strong, Enduring, terror-inducing, loveable: If I've learned anything from watching Battlestar Galactica, it's that robots can evolve and be very versatile. They also can trick humans into falling in love with them and take bad ass shots with rocket launchers.
1. Robots make fun drunks, even when belligerent. Case in point: Bender.

This week: Robotkicks v. Purplesaurus Rex. The Future Villian v. The Extinct Villian. Lundy "The Fanny Pack" v. Esteban "The Cargo Shorts." When you're making your bets on who's going to win this match, keep this in mind: cargo shorts are NEVER the answer.

Candy Van: After School Special

So, we played a kickball game last week. We won. That was neat. But really, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. What DOES matter, however, are the amazing awards that our Candy Van pervs doled upon each other at Third Base. We laughed, we cried, we reminisced. But mostly, we drank, had fun, and crept on anyone/thing we could. Here are the awards:


Alli "Gator" B. - Best Nickname EVER, Hot Teacher
Luis "Caramel Bear" O. - Most Likely to Steal the Mexican Award from Chapa, Most likely to wear a bandana
Matt "Matty A" A. - Least Clothing, Drunkest Girl at Gillis, Best Stance at Bat in a Cape
Matthew "Foxy" F. - Best Pre-Game Stretch, Best Play while Wearing a Small, Pink Tanktop, Best Female Body
Megan "Skankbot McLunderson" L. - Lifetime Achievement Award, Most Makeouts Caught on Camera
Megan "MmmmReilly" R. - Hottest Girl, Most Likely to Give Us Blue Balls from Taking a Season off
Natalie "Nat Attack" R. - Least Clothing, Best Hot Pants, Most Likely to Appear in the Local News in a Tutu
Patrick "Chapa" C. - Top 3 Mexican, Most Likely to Have a Dance Move Named after Him
Ryan "Dog Owner/The Nuts" H. - Most Likely to Own a Dog, Most Likely to Appear in the Local News,
Ryan "Moosetard/Pitbull" M. - Best One-Armed Pitcher, Most Likely to Own a Cat
Stephen "Kenneth" R. - Most Likely to Each Sausage Instead of go to Playoffs, Best Dance Moves
Telina "Needs a nickname" G. - Newest Girl, Most Likely to be More Competitive than Valerie
Tom "Captain DBAG" H. - Most Likely to Makeout with Me, Fourth Hottest Girl on the Team, Yogging Champ, Biggest Penis, Most Likely to Receive a Fake Award
Valerie "Captain VAG" G. - Most likely to brag about that time she caught a ball kicked by some guy who doesn't respect women, Drunkest Girl at Gillis, Best MCLs (actually going to NOT Valerie)


And of course:
Joey Thomas, formerly of Relax fame and now captain of the D Bags - Biff Tannen's Endorsement for Meatiest Head


And to Edgar and the rest of the Suck my Kick squad, never forget: there are always kicks to suck in the Candy Van!

Sit On My Base

Alright, here is our attempt to recap last week’s game against Team Easier.  The problem is, our team’s theme was ‘blackout rave’ ...hence the reason our memories are like inverted Swiss cheese.  

Just before the game began, Butts, Four and Sack rolled in with a cooler so big an Eskimo could live inside.  Thanks to Four, this KingKong cooler was filled to the brim with golden goodness and peppered with various flavors of FourLoko (a SOMB tradition & partial cause of the memory lapse).  With her clipboard and whistle, Captain Casey shepherded our band of misfit morons as we engaged in glowstick acquisitions of epic proportions.

From the beginning the outlook was bleak for Team Easier as SOMB roared through the bases, scoring an unanswered 6 runs in the 1^st inning.  Lawyer Leak rocked the mound like the rubberman Roy Munson and Wildman Donny yelled gibberish explicative’s as if he were Animal from the Muppets.  The terrifying trio at 1^st, home, and the mound, engaged in a marvelous ballet of "retrieve the bunt and knock a fool out,” with a little help from the Aussie on 3rd.

The Grim Reaper made a showing at the end of game to root for the black team because he considers that Pepto Bismol pink team a joke.  Turns out he was right; SOMB won 6-0!!!  MVP goes to Cranchdressing who cherry picked a pop fly right out of the sky like old school Rodman on the rebound.  

Bring it on; we are ready to kick some more balls. Not sure who tomorrow’s game is against, doesn’t matter... we won’t remember them and they won’t be in the championship anyway.  #SOMBblackout

Awful Waffles

Hi GMOT.  First time writer but long time reader.  We are the awful waffles, previously of Capital but now ready to party it up Live style.  After a decidedly average three season stint in Capital and the loss of many good kickers to a variety of reasons (stupid Boston taking away all our players) we've landed in live and trying to have a little bit more fun this season. You might have seen us last week on the basketball courts doing an emergency tye dye session for shirts and socks

and then caught us beating Kicks Like Jesus (they don't, Jesus was really phenomenal at kickball).  But probably not because our game lasted until 1030 pm.  Either way you'll be seeing more of us this season.

Unfortunately, WAKA doesn't appear to want to see much of us at the fields since they gave us a bye during saved by the bell week and then no games the week after.  But whatever, you'll find us still at third base ready to rage.  

I could give a line-up run down but that just seems trite at this point.  We'll just let our kicking feet and drinking arms speak for themselves.

Sincerely yours,

awful waffles

Walk of Shame™ (Now quit using our S**T!)

WAKA Fantasy Draft Walk of Shame Preview

I know we're a week late with this since the season started last week, but if the Walks aren't playing, is there really a season going on? Does anyone care about the other teams? No. So here it is, the much anticipated fantasy player-by-player preview broken down into terms you understand.

Andre: Roy Williams - The crafty aging star who has his moments, but you gotta place a big question mark in the hands category. Maybe save him for a mid-round selection.

Bruce: Anquan Boldin - The man with the death wish. No matter how many times Boldin gets crushed by a LB going over the middle, he keeps going back. Bruce will eventually die from a concussion diving for foul balls, but let's hope until then he keeps catching them.

Mizzy: Larry Fitzgerald - She's been around forever and quietly just keeps having All-Star Seasons. Worth the high pick every time.

Leeho: Tony Romo - Will he ever be healthy and live up to his potential? Here's to hoping. No coincidence that he has Romo, Miles Austin, Jamaal Charles, and Mario Manningham on his fantasy team either.

Krystel: Tim Hightower - After a few seasons in the league, she's really starting to hit her stride and show those naysayers what she's made of. Not sure if she has a six-egg chocolate milkshake every morning for breakfast too.

Slob: Maurice Jones-Drew - May not be the flashiest player in the league, but the perennial first round pick always puts up the numbers and gets the job done.

Alex: Adrian Peterson - First off, you're welcome for the Sooner comparison. Secondly, Alex became an All-Star from Day 1 - Andre's second greatest recruit, next to Tanker. Always a good choice for a top 3 selection, without the fumblitis.

Kerry: Peyton Manning - Kerry was in his prime until a devastating injury derailed his MVP dreams. Can he come back and shine again?

Erin: Matt Leinart - Got one hell of a nightlfe! See: http://deadspin.com/5841427/hey-look-more-photos-of-matt-leinart-hanging-out-with-party-girls

Cindy: Bill Belichick - Just a great coach. Always has the right players in the right places. Headed for a Hall of Fame career.

Richard: Brett Favre - Minus the retirement and the "pexts" (Yeah you know what those are ladies. You've probably even gotten a few from Andre) Here's a man that'll play through some pain! Worry about the stitches later, I got some catching to do!

HIP! HIP! JORGE!: Antonio Gates - For a big man, he's deceptively fast. And he's capable of that huge performance that'll win you a game anytime.

Jonah: Adam Podlesh - Cause really, who knew there was a Jew in the league? Sorry for the punter comparison but I'm drawing blanks here.

Louis: Phil Hellmuth - Oh we're doing football comparisons? Sorry, but Louis only speaks poker. He's so sick!

Ryan: Troy Polamalu - You want to mess with him? Thought not. That dude is a crazy.

Jessica: Mark Ingram - Buy high on that rookie! She's on track to be a star (as soon as she can undo whatever she learned at A&M).

Butler: Plaxico Burress - Butler is making his much-anticipated return and should put up some huge numbers. No truth to the rumors that he shot himself though.

Hillary: Nnamdi Asomugha - The most coveted free agent signing of the offseason. Dre has been trying to get her on the team for three years now.

Sean: Stevie Johnson - Came out of NOWHERE and all of the sudden is a huge addition to everyone's fantasy rosters. Take no later than 3rd round.

Matt: Josh Cribbs - Sure does make some exciting plays, right?

Zorica: Tom Brady - Year she plays kickball, but there's also the modeling career on the side.

Erika: Ronnie Brown - Dangerous in the wildcat offense. She can pitch and play the field. No one saw this pickup coming.

So there you have it. Now you're ready for your WAKA Fantasy Draft. Please send your winnings my way after the season.

WAKA Shame

The WAKA Shame and the Hookup Waiver

The WAKA Shame, its not just a clever and popular team name. If you are new in your kickball career, you may not be aware of it yet but there is a very real thing called the WAKA Shame. If it hasn't happened to you yet, statistics show that it more than likely will happen to you sometime soon. WAKA Kickball is notorious for creating the perfect catalyst for romantic encounters and by romantic encounters we mean good old fashioned dirty hookups. This leads to the the WAKA Shame.

Similar to the Walk of Shame, the WAKA Shame is a common occurrence the morning after kickball and is easily identified by the fact that you are wearing your kickball t-shirt and gym shorts from the night before. The WAKA Shame is most often followed up by calling in sick to work.

This phenomenon has the potential to cause some uncomfortable situations, especially if it happens too early in the season. We here at the GMOT are fully in favor of a drama free environment so we had our crack legal team* work up a document that should help you if you ever find yourself in a situation that could lead to a WAKA Shame.

The Hookup Waiver

Upon signature of this document both individuals involved in a hookup hereby agree to the following stipulations:

1. Parties agree to not be bothered if the other party does not call or contact them in any way.
2. Any contact that is made shall be conducted over text messaging or in person at the bar during last call with the sole purpose of instituting another hookup.
3. Additional hookups shall not be expected, anticipated or looked forward to and should only happen in instances of spontaneity when neither party can find anyone better to hook up with.
4. Both parties agree to not be bothered if either party chooses to ignore the other, spend time with other parties or hook up with other parties.
5. Both parties agree to be discrete and act as if nothing ever happened while in the presence of other non-involved parties.
6. Details of the hookup shall not be discussed with teammates or anyone else you may ever see near a kickball field, kickball sponsor bar or anywhere else that kickballers may be found.

This waiver shall be considered legally binding and any violation of this waiver shall result in legal action in a court of law.
**This document is not legally binding in any US State, US Territory, Commonwealth Nation, Nation recognized by the UN or any other place on Earth. Use at your own risk.

Our crack legal team also suggests that any conversation that has the potential to lead up to a WAKA Shame should start off with, "Hey there. So, you want to sign a waiver with me?". Hopefully this document can help you get through any possible uncomfortable situations that may result from your WAKA Shame.

Captains, please be responsible and be sure to print out several copies and keep them with you at all times. It is important to have this document on hand for use by your team members when they most need it.

*We can not verify that our legal team is, in fact, a team of attorneys but they do wear suits. Ok, so the suits are old and ratty and smelly. In fact, our "crack legal team" is actually just some crack heads but they were hanging out near the courthouse so it is entirely possible that they were either at one time attorneys or at least have some inside knowledge of how our legal system works.

Yours truly,

Lundy

Relax and Let it Happen

At first it was fun. It didn't come as a surprise, but beating Joey's team with ease and grace brought smiles to all of our faces. Through teamwork, superior athletes, and overall knowledge of the game, we were proving to Joey that kickball is indeed a team sport, and that no single man can win a game on his own. His loudness, jokes that are usually only funny to himself, and 3rd grade level taunting didn't faze us, because we were all used to it. We know a lot of them. Some of them are good athletes, but they weren't ready to play against a team like us. Which brings me to my next point....

All of a sudden, the happiness turned to sadness.  Everyone on our team couldn't help but notice the look on his teammate's faces. Shell shocked. Confused. Scared. Why would Joey put these people in the middle of his weird experiment? Why would Joey lead these people into believing they had even the smallest chance to win vs. one of the highest ranked teams in the nation? And then it hit us ... the only D Bag on the team was Joey. The rest of them (other than Hunter) were nice/fun people who just wanted to try something new. They weren't ready for Jay's pitching, Clay's kicking, or Ty's classy play at 1st. They weren't ready for bunting, charging, or chasing down perfectly placed kicks by me (JG). 

To make matters worse, Joey walked off the field after getting shut out and proudly proclaimed, "That's the last time ya'll beat us!" It was a sad moment. Did he believe it or was he trying to make himself believe it?  Was he trying to pick up the moral of his team? The looks on his teammates faces were priceless. Why did they sign up to be apart of Joey's quest to prove that he is the mightiest kickballer ever?

Shout out to Dodd and Ashley for joining the team and to Nicole for gracing us with her fake boobs and genuine smile. 

Now for phase 2 of kickball, the bar games. We were greeted at the door with a gift card for winning last seasons bar game championship and in true Relax fashion we weren't satisfied with the past. We came out and dominated at the bar games like we always do (we were winning before I had to leave to make curfew). I had to stick my face in between Jay's legs to pop a balloon but since that's one of his biggest fetishes we were both really good at it. Next week we play... who cares and we'll probably beat them by a lot. 

PurpleSaurus Rex

The intrepid members of PurpleSaurus made it through the quagmire of ACL traffic and arrived at Gillis just in time to get prehysterically purple on the Power Bottoms and deliver a 5-2 beat down. I had sort of forgotten what winning was like, it's way fun!

Artist's rendering of the victorious therapod:

Things we learned this week:

• 7% ABV on the PurpleSaurus Punch might have been a little over ambitious based on my severely diminished cognitive abilities from 7 PM  onward and the headaches everyone is texting me about. Owwww.
• 6:15 games still suck.
• Val and Tom are awesome, thanks for reffing!
• Newbies Dustin, Bobby, Janelle, Kim, Elizabeth and Jennifer are all stone cold badasses.  You guys were fantastic in your WAKA debut. Next week I may even remember to explain the rules to you.
• I need to come up with derogatory nicknames for Dustin, Bobby, Janelle, Kim, Elizabeth and Jennifer.
• Conventional gender biases are totally bogus.  Our best offensive output came with the ladies got up to kick.
• PurpleSaurus is the best Saurus.

Next week we line up against the newly-formed Robotkicks. In honor of our second hapless victim's team color (yellow) the PurpleSaurus Punch flavor of the week will be LEMONADE and as always, we'll need your help knocking back those 5 gallons of sweet sweet nectar.

A quick preview of how PurpleSaurus vs Robotkicks will go down:

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put my jorts on and do that whole "Austin City Limits" thing I hear is happening down at Zilker this weekend.

Eternally Yours,
Stephen

Candy Van: After School Special

Don't worry, we'll pick up your kids from school. And we have free candy, so we're totally legit. Don't believe me? That's fair. You don't know us. But once you do, you'll see that we're just a charming bunch of hooligans, diligently searching for the hottest playground in town. 

If you want to meet us, we'll be the ones mastering "The Creep." and stretching in inappropriate ways. Feel free to yell "what up, pervs" as we take our YOG (that's candy van for jog) around the fields. And if you really want to get to know us, find our table at Third Base tonight for our Second Annual Candy Van Creeper Awards. There's even a surprise award for everyone's favorite d bag - Joey Thomas!

This year's creepy roster:

THE LADIES:

Alli "Gator" B. - Don't be fooled by how innocent she looks. She won our sexy off AND she actually works with children for a living. Plus her nickname is GATOR.

Megan "MmmReilly" R. - Resident hot blonde. Everyone needs one, and we got her back after she took the summer off. 

Natalie "Nat Attack: R. - She'll be wearing nothin' but a tutu and bikini top. The less she's wearing, the better she plays.

Valerie "Captain VAG" G. - One half of the creepiest captain team ever to hit the fields of Gillis Park. She'll be the one with the perma-creep walk due to double-MCL sprains. Also acceptable ways to describe her walk: skeletor, slow-motion t-rex, or robot.

Telina "Still needs a nickname" G. - Our newest female on the Candy Van roster, she may de-thrown Valerie as most competitive girl on the team. We'll see. And we just hope she's ready for her Friday morning hangovers.

Megan "Skankbot McLunderson" L. - Fanny pack? Check. Hot pink party hat? Check. Always in costume? YEP. That's the one. You may know her from such films as "she runs the league" and "she'll make you slap the bag." The one and only Lundy!

THE FELLAS:

Luis "Caramel Bear" O. - He'll be the one acting like he's creeped out by everything we say. But I predict by game 4, he'll be the one helping Foxy stretch.

Tom "Captain D Bag" H. - The White Steve Urkel of the Candy Van squad, the other half of the creepy captaining duo, and not actually a douche bag. Also most likely to dress up as Jessie Spano and sing "I'm so Excited" at you during the Saved by the Bell theme night.

Matthew "Foxy" F. - If this were Teen Girl Squad, he'd be the cheerleader. Just because he's so hot and he always has a guy stretch him out before the game. Also likes to wear small, pink tank tops.

Matty "Matty A" A. - His uniform consists of a cape and pink underwear. Also a possessor of the more power with less clothing characteristic. You'll just be jealous you don't have abs like him.

Ryan "Dog Owner/The Nuts" H. - The true bruiser, you won't be able to tell if he's walking up to you to hug you or put his fist through your cheek bones, and that's why we love him. WILD CARD! (He's not really violent.)

Ryan "Moosetard/Pitbull" M. - He'll be the guy in a cast barking at you. Or WHOOP!-ing like a dementor. If you're still not sure, we'll all be yelling MOOOOOOOOOOSE at him. 

Patrick "Chapa" C. - Our resident Mexican, he'll be the one doing sweet dance moves/falling over and trying to salvage it. He'll also be the one hoping he'll live that down at some point.

Stephen "Kenneth" R. - Possibly the sneakiest creeper of the team. He looks so cool with his C-walking ways and then BOOM! transition to the creep.

What Field Am I On?

Check out this handy-dandy birds-eye reference that labels each of the fields at Gillis park.

Welcome to The GMOT!

Welcome, true believers, to the Fall 2011 Austin WAKA Ghost Man on Third Blog.  This is a forum for you to announce the greatness of your team to the world, share your great memories from the past week's games, tell next week's opponent just how badly you're going to stomp them, or deliver any other vaguely kickball-related news you choose to on a weekly basis. Additionally, any user can post on any post here on the GMOT.  Do you take issue with some team's assertion that they are a band of over-men who will never be defeated?  Tell them!  There are few things more fun and rewarding than arguing with people on the internet.

A few ground rules to keep everything running smoothly:

1. Smack talk is great, hate speech is not.  Don't use racial slurs, threats of physical violence, make references to non-consensual intercourse, or anything else along those lines.  This blog is completely in the public realm.  If you start getting out of line repeatedly I will not hesitate to find your mother on Facebook and post a link to your horrible comments on her wall.
2. The content comes from YOU. If you're not sending me write-ups, we don't have a blog! To help with this particular issue, we're offering a round of shots for your ENTIRE TEAM at the end of season party to each team who submits a GMOT entry every week this season. (Don't worry, this week doesn't count).
3. To ensure that your write up gets posted on time, send your submissions to waka.gmot@gmail.com by Wednesday at 9 PM each week.

See you on the field and at 3rd Base tonight!

PurpleSaurus Rex

A Brand New Day dawns on the scorched and battered fields of Gillis Park, and ye shall all bear witness to the glorious rebirth what has always been Austin WAKA's greatest collection of talent, wit, and moxie.  PurpleSaurus Rex, formerly known as Nate Fox and the Less Eligible Bachelors, formerly known as Untitled Kickball Project, formerly known as CTRL + ALT + ELITE, formerly of ASSC Kickball has been brought forth into the world with a new, giant-sized, 23-man roster look.

After our failed experiment trying to turn a group made up almost entirely of ex collegiate rowers into a team with the hand-eye coordination to competently play kickball or the reliability to field an 11 man roster each week, a new recruiting strategy was devised.  

"What if," some forward-thinking individual queried, "we just invited a ton of people, got Awesome every week and laid our enemies low with an unrelenting onslaught of fun?"

"Brilliant!" said I, "We shall call ourselves PurpleSaurus Rex, and there shall be copious amounts of Kool Aid for adult consumption at every game."

"But wait," cried some naysaying Mer-man, "Doesn't having a bunch of people on the team mean I won't personally get to play as much and that's all I care about because I'm a fun-sponging Redskins fan?"

"Silence, knave!" replied the collective, and PurpleSaurus Rex was born.

This season, our five gallon kooler will always be avilable to fill the kups of any who wish to partake in the sweet nektar of the gods that is 7% ABV Kool Aid.  Week one will feature our namesake (and the greatest Kool Aid flavor EVAR), PurpleSaurus Rex.  Subsequent flavors will be either based on the team kolor of that week's opponent, or by direkt request here on the GMOT.