CANDY VAN

I learned something last week: trash talking with pictures from the interwebs is a lot of fun, even if you have to eat your words and/or Ron Swanson's perfect mustache. We won't dwell on our loss to Relax last week (shout out to K-Rut for kicking it better than the boys), but instead, look forward to our next match up: Hannah Montana's XXX Tape.

This matchup brings together two teams that are similar in many ways. The most important, of course, is our appreciation for making jokes about seducing and/or having sexual relations (the fact that you call it that tells me you're ready) with underage persons.

Now, don't get me wrong: we love our friends over on HMXXXT, but they just don't have the same level of creepy, awe-inducing, terrifying, and enigmatic charisma and heart that leads our team into victory and subsequent blacking out at Ego's. This heart that we play with is so hard to describe, in fact, that the only person I can think of to portray such creepy excellence is none other than the most talented and well-respected actor of our time: Nicolas F'n Cage. I mean, just look at this guy:

(INCREDIBLE)

I mean, would you really mess with that guy? If you answered yes to that, I want you to take a moment to reconsider your decision, keeping in mind that'd you be willingly stepping up to a man who spent his last $276K on a dinosaur skull. This man:

(Just look at that 'stache. OG CV right there.) 

So Hannah, to sum up: Candy Van is Nicolas Cage and you're a teenaged girl. Oh but wait, so is Nicolas Cage:

(This gave Tom the weirdest boner.)