IF CANDY VAN WERE A KITTEN I WOULD DEFINITELY RESCUE IT FROM A TREE AND THEN TAKE IT HOME AND CUDDLE AND LOVE IT BECAUSE KITTENS ARE F*CKING ADORABLE. NO ONE MESSES WITH KITTENS, JUST LIKE NO ONE MESSES WITH CANDY VAN.
IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN PLAYING KICKBALL WITH CANDY VAN OR PUNCHING A GRANDMA IN THE RIGHT BOOB 5 TIMES, I WOULD DEFINITELY PUNCH THE GRANDMA 10 TIMES BECAUSE I'M TWICE AS EXCITED TO PLAY ON CANDY VAN.
No but for real. I would do anything for Candy Van because they are the funnest best most attractive people I've ever met in my whole life and I want to be as cool as them. They even have a cool logo of a guy with a mustache and they joke about pedophilia, which is literally the funniest thing in the entire planet in my opinion. I literally would die for candy van and then continue to love them from my place next to God the Almighty Savior because I am a martyr for the cause that is candy van which is also the best cause in the entire earth. Because If Jesus was still alive and kicking (PUN INTENDED) he would be kickin' it with CANDY VAN because they are basically gods in their own right.
I would kick Justin Bieber in his wee wee and then make him lick the faces and armpits of 100 sweaty poo farming child laborers if it meant CANDY VAN would win the championship.