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The Dillon Panthers, full
team name “The Dillon Panthers circa 2006,” are very confused by the previous
GMOT post from our supposed rivals.
As everyone knows, East Dillon High School was disbanded decades ago due
to poor educational quality and crumbling facilities. Our only rival is Arnett Meade. They vandalized our fieldhouse.
As to Tim Riggins being too drunk to save us, anyone who knows anything about
Dillon knows that Tim Riggins is NEVER too drunk to do anything, but he is
upset that you woke him up this early. Texas forever.
Plus, Carrie “Smash” Winsett has been injecting steroids for
weeks now to impress college scouts, so we’ve got that going for us.
We will admit to being embroiled in a bit of a pitching
controversy between Justin “Voodoo” Morgan and DJ “7” Engle, but hopefully that
will sort itself out in a pre-game speech or something. It always does.
One thing we can agree with these “Lions” on, though, is that
tonight would be a good night to get Tim-Riggins’-estranged-father drunk and
hit some golf balls into pastures.
Anyway, these East Dillon Lions, whoever they are, are going
down. Clear eyes, full hearts,
can’t lose.
Due to the fact that PurpleSaurus Rex has temporarily (for the duration of you reading this blog post only) changed it's name to the East Dillon Lions, this has officially become RIVALRY WEEK!
I don't even know these Dillon Panther losers, but two consecutive bye weeks has got me missing kickball so much that I've built this game up in my head to the point where it can be nothing short of LEGEN...(wait for it)...DARY. I hear their coach is this cocksure young guy who pushed out Coach Taylor with some BS political maneuvering, just because he thought the head case freshman QB he'd been training should start instead of a real leader. What a dick! You're going down Dillon Panthers! Tim Riggins is too drunk to save you!
Can't wait to see my fellow Purplesaurs ... ahem ... Lions in their amazing halloween costumes, and look out for the debut appears of the Amazing Purple-Man! Halloweek is officially upon us, and there is no reason to do anything short of getting stupid tonight.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to Googling pictures of Minka Kelly.
Well our normal GMOT writer is being lazy this week so I'll give it a whirl. Last week we played Pitch Slapped! At first glance you see their name and think, are they really promoting domestic violence, they can't be cool. But then we got to know them, and I would have to say out of the 50 or so new teams that Relax has played this team is our absolute favorite. They are the first new team in the history of kickball not to complain about bunting or taking it too serious (also known as winning). Even though this team was getting beat like they stole something, they still maintained a positive attitude throughout the whole game. Once we were up 12 they asked us if we would start kicking so they could work on catching the ball!! This is the type of team that new teams need to strive to be. Therefore, I would like to throw a HUGE shout out to Pitch Slapped!, you are welcome in the Relax circle of trust any time you'd like to come.
Since I don't really want to write about a 13-3 game, I'll write about a 14-3 game that took place over the weekend. This past weekend the Relax franchise took home another title in the 7th Annual Bobby Bones Tournament. Leading up to the tournament a certain kickball delegate was talking non stop about how they were going to beat Relax. I'm not sure if he really believed it or if he was just trying to sike himself up to make himself believe it but in the end we beat them twice in one day. I (Jay) will also be holding tours for $5 from 4-7 on Saturday's if anyone wants to visit the shrine of trophies on display in my living room, just call ahead.
Relax wasn't invited to the Halloween party tonight at the fields so naturally we hope it rains and nobody gets to play. The one dress up night that Relax supports we don't even get to participate in!!! Thanks Lundy, you're getting punched in the ovaries next time we see you (seriously, you're getting punched)! Instead we've decided that we need to compete in something on Thursday so we are having a Pumpkin Carving contest/pot luck dinner/best time ever. Next week we will send in a picture of the champion pumpkin carver.
Kickballers, Roboapocalypse deniers, and robot haters: The Roboapocalypse is coming, whether you believe it or are ready for it. Last week's episode of Always Sunny even mentioned it, and we all know that everything we see on TV is true/comes true at some point. So what's a bone bag like yourself supposed to do to survive the fiery fate of the human race? Well, if you're like me, you'll get a robot brand on your body to prove that you are a robot sympathizer. Or you can go all motha' frackin' Gaius Baltar on the humans and give our security codes away to some hot blonde Cylon skin job. Both of those options too extreme/nerdy? TOO BAD. Just kidding, there's a third way: make yourself a handy dandy robot costume to throw on when the robots rebel! I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you how to make a robot costume (google that shit). I do, however, have three other tips to help you after you've created your disguise:
1. Say "affirmative" instead of "yes." (Unless you know the other robot really well.)
2. Perfect your robot dance. (No brainer.)
3. Start pillaging old people's medicine and consuming it in large quantities. (Robots eat old people's medicine for fuel.)
So, there you have it: your robot costume, your tolerance for viagra, and your sweet, sweet robo boogie should* save you from the roboapocalypse.
*Robotkicks does not guarantee that you will be spared during the robotic uprising.
Candy Van had a close loss against the Teabaggers last week. Some may say they still walked away with a victory, as another Eskimo Brother was added to the team (even though he happens to be on the Teabaggers… whaaattt??). Here’s a preview of tonight’s game against Walk of Shame: blah blah blah, Candy Van wins 6-1, Dre whines about something, blah blah blah, then BOOM, this outside your bedroom window the rest of the night:
HAPPY CREEPOWEEN.
P.S. Kate Rutkowski, you can run, but you can’t hide.
This is all speculation since I've never seen any sort of writing from most of these teams, but in lieu of ACTUAL submissions to the GMOT I've decided to make some crap up for all of you. If you feel like you're being represented unfairly then, well, write me something!
Relax and Let it Happen - Yeah, we did it again. 14 runs against a pack of scrubs like whoever it was that we played isn't even scratching the surface of the potential beat down we could have put on them, but we honestly just got bored. It was much more interesting to stare off into space and think about how awesome we are than to focus on the game, so I think I can speak for most of us when I say we were too busy giving ourselves mental HJs to be bothered with things like keeping them from scoring a few runs. We're off this week, and then we play the next team to lose to us. (Edit: Relax emailed me a writeup before I posted this, but I'm leaving this in.)
Candy Van - Actually wrote a GMOT! You go Candy Van!
Brown Chicken Brown Cow - As evidenced by our game last week, the most exciting thing that can possibly happen in kickball is a TIE. It's not easy being a tie-machine, but we make it happen. Man, LOVE ties. Too bad we're not playing this week so we can't tie somebody else.
Tyrannical Teabaggers - Try our new cocktail: the Tyrannical Sweet Teabagger. 2 parts Firefly sweet tea vodka, 1 part peach schnapps, 2 parts sprite, poured over MY BALLS.
Walk of Shame - We admit it. We are but a shadow of our former glory without Tanker. Why Tank? Why have you left us? Luckily Dre's stellar play at 1st has kept us in contention this season.
Hangers and Bangers - We didn't really understand what the deal with these seemingly semi-pro kickball teams was in weeks 2 and 3, but I can tell you now, I GET IT. Winning is flippin awesome and fun. We're gonna try doing that from now on, see how that strategy works out.
Thorz Day Ballers - Unfortunately we have a bye this week, so our next game is March 3rd.
Suck My Kick - We're generous lovers. So far this season we've sucked 14 kicks while only getting our kicks sucked 11 times. Eventually we're gonna get ours.
Dbags - Look, there's only one way to win in this league, and ... well we haven't figured out what it is yet. But when we do, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
Pitch Slapped - We're like Obi Wan after Vader cuts him down in the first Death Star. (Vader = Relax). We have become more powerful than you can POSSIBLY IMAGINE. I guarantee we will not lose this week. Yes we have a bye. Shut up.
Yeah WHATEVERs - So this guy was making the Power Polls and talked some shit and we were like yeah WHATEVER.
Last week, your awful waffles had a first. A substitute at pitcher, Carrie B threw the first shutout in team history, and against a decent team! Amazingly, game ball doesn't go to her but Cole who caught everything in sight in the outfield and smashed a dinger. Way to go team.
And there's another big event at the kickball fields and another bye week for the waffles. Great. And that's unfortunate because we all love halloween. There's really no reason not to:
1) a reason to wear costumes that would usually get you arrested otherwise
2) you get to act like an idiot without real repercussions
3) the possibility of free candy
4) the most crowded night ever in Austin where you can barely move anywhere!
(ok that last one isn't too cool)
In compiling this list though it seems that those first three are pretty much occurring every kickball day so I guess we'll make an appearance if not at the fields then at third base. So as to not spoil the surprise, no hints given to our costumes but you'll be impressed.
Last week we played the DBags and beat them 3-0. Don't let their name or the score fool you – Joey is still the team's only Dbag (because Hunter probably already quit) and the only reason we only beat them by 3 is that everyone was still a little hungover/burnt out on kickball from our Vegas escapades. If you didn't hear, we, the best team in Texas got knocked out in the elite 8. We had a lot of fun, there was a lot of sex, and there was a lot of fun sex so that pretty much means Vegas was ALMOST a success. We definitely did better than last year and the sky is the limit for that team.
Ask Jay about how a drunk guy tried to attack him after he kicked the ball. Also, this chubby hoe called Shannon's sister (a professional sand volleyball player) fat. I don't know if you've ever watched an upper level volleyball game, but fat and volleyball don't go together.
This week we play whoever and we'll beat them by whatever. Please someone give us a challenge because this shit is starting to get boring again. Real talk.
Shout to Alex Victor for getting into Dr. School or whatever happened. He's a smart kid and one day he'll be delivering babies, doing brain surgery, or sticking his fist up your asshole. I'm not sure what kind of doctor he's going to be but I think it's one of those.
Until you let Alex tickle your innards, Relax and Let it Happen.
Another week and another hard fought win, this time 4-2 over hangers and bangers. A live team. That's right. A win over a Capital team. Which might not be too surprising since we were a Capital team a long time ago (last season). Guenther gets the game ball with a three run triple which was only slightly sullied with him being thrown out at home.
Wait thats not right. Actually it wasn't that great of a game. Our team kinda regressed to years past performance (probably due to the two week bye...thanks schedule maker!). We couldn't score runs and our defense was mostly "let them load the bases and them get outs at home". So like all teams struggling we went to camp. Not a kickball camp per se but a camp nonetheless:
A bar crawl like that really clears your head!
This week we're refreshed and ready to rock Balls and dolls. I don't know much about them but thinking we'll be ok.
PurpleSaurus is entering the second of two consecutive bye weeks, and we've been forced to find alternate forms of entertainment in lieu of kickballing, such as knocking bones:
And going over the top on Sly Stallone:
Mid-Season partying was as epic as expected, although a few PurpleSaurs got a little too tipsy, unexpectedly transformed into Dinobots and started yelling things like "Me Grimlock! Me no bozo! Me KING!" before pounding tequila shots.
Still got our eyes on Dillon Panthers next week, we look forward to devouring you soon!
Well the Dillon Panthers are running out of GMOT material a little bit. We don’t have a rival to talk trash to, and we are still in the nickname development phase. So for this week’s post I will resort to a poetic style that is both sophisticated and concise. I give you, a Dillon Panthers acrostic.
Power shortage: The Panthers await their first outfield hit.
Aging well: The Panthers had 3 times as many runs scored on them in the first inning of the season than the following 14 combined.
Not acknowledged: Despite a rapid climb up the standings the Panthers remain unranked in the Power Polls. Marc Stein would never allow this!
Tagging up: A concept we are struggling with a bit.
Halloween: Is soon. Just a reminder.
Economical: With a level of thriftiness appropriate for our current times, the Panthers have won 2 games by a combined 2 runs.
Riggins, Tim: The Panthers model for both in-game excellence and pre/during/post game drinking. Also hair.
Sandstorm: The Panthers get ready for games by blasting this 90's Finnish trance hit.
Ahhhhh field four. We knew we'd be stuck with you eventually but not so early in the season. No bother though, we just continued on like we always do. 15-2. Decent win but I think it was clear to everyone that our pitcher, Big Gunth, didn't really have his heart in it. Which is understandable since it was 15-2. Me being blind in one eye wasn't a hindrance nor was our social chair and our art director being MIA due to some founders cup thing and First Thursday. Highlight was Alyssa, captain that she is, going over to yell at the dudes at the other fields not to touch our balls when we kicked onto their fields. Now for those of you who don't know her, she's a feisty one that's short with a wicked thick New York accent. I don't even think the guy she was yelling at understood her but he looked frightened to his core. Needless to say, he didn't risk touching our balls again. And then after the game, we rocked jello shots with pumped up kicks since we're not douches...just winners.
This week we look to be full strength in a clash against capital team Hangers and Bangers. I'm thinking more good things are headed our way.
When losing a kickball game badly the only truly sportman-like way to respond is to get super drunk and start making fun of opposing players' haircuts, so we did exactly that. After a vicious 6-0 beat down at the hands of Sit On My Base, I think I have discovered the fatal flaw in our team's composition:
Big head + little arms = not so great at kickball. But I have a solution. After secret meetings with the evil and diabolical artificial intelligence known as Robotkicks, we have developed this highly technical drawing of the new technology that is to be the salvation of PurpleSaurus Rex.
That's right, ROBOT ARMS. It will take a few weeks to develop our mechanisms of kickball domination so we're on bye for a while, but know that you will all rue the day you mocked us! Practice your rueing. Especially you Dillon Panthers, you're next!
In other news, due to the horribleness of what was happening in Dallas on my TV this past Saturday, I decided to go in the other room for an hour and make freakin sweet hats for my teammates. Behold, the PurpleSaurus HAT!
In situations like this, it's normal to seeth with envy and wish you could have such an awesome awesome hat, so don't feel bad. All you need is a few bucks for cheap-like-free hats from amazon, some inkjet iron-transfer paper, and to quit being jealous weenies and make your own hats. All the cool kids are doing it.
No Kool-Aid related jokes this week, I just love dinosaurs too much.
It has come to our attention that some of you aren't pleased with the Walks GMOT from last week. It was thought to be too mean and harsh. We would first like to say, we absolutely won the GMOT war last week.... While we still don't care what any of you personally think, we must put league above all. So with that in mind. This is an official "Our Bad" write up... So... Our Bad, even though JG told us we...
-Were Smelly
-Had a "triple gap"?
-Below average
-Had "bitties"?
-Not doable
-Had no leadership
For those of you who don't know Dre. Let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm Dre. And I can't let anyone just talk about us like this. It just doesn't go down like that. I don't care if you beat us by 52. And Relax knows this.
However, since Relax is going to the Founders Cup tournament (that we were excluded from thanks to some backroom, corrupt WAKA shenanigans), we know their sensitivity level is very high right now. We want you know that we are cheering for you. That you can compete with the other pretty girls. And that no matter what they say about you... You ARE somebody! You ARE special! And don't you forget it.
And as a peace offering, we will let you folks have an opportunity at your very own Walk of Shame this weekend at Founders Cup. Our very own Walks Goddesses, Erin Shirley and Mizzy Rodriguez will be yours for one weekend. Don't get any funny ideas. You can't steal them. However this weekend, consider them as a show of our good faith. We expect them back... unharmed.
Another thing, we're not above basking in your glory, so if you do win... We'll dance under the Texas flag with you. So can we love each other again?
