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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Relax and Let It Happen

Dear Candy Van,

I’m sorry if I’m the first one to tell you this, and if you haven’t realized yourselves by now… But how does it feel that your two fearless leaders and the third biggest douche on your team would ALL rather play with Relax? They literally want to be us, and sometimes that’s cool but sometimes I look at you guys and I’m like awwwww, that’s kind of sad though.

Example A: Valerie Anne Gleason. Val has played with Relax for numerous tournaments and special events. I’m sure she likes you guys because she obviously spends a lot of time with you, but it’s clear that her internal struggle centers on this issue. Please see the photo taken below, at the San Antonio Rodeo just weeks ago. Here’s the unseen insight – during the 3-2-1 countdown of EACH photo (the photographer took 4 in total) Val’s arm was like point – no point – point – no point – point – no point as she breathily whispered to me “OMG I don’t know what to do with my arm!”

Example B: TB Hallock. Tom has frequented the Relax field, and is even still a current member of our travel roster. He’s joined forces on our soccer franchise, and he basically just loves us. It’s not like I blame him, what’s not to love? But I just look at the rest of your team and I’m like hmmmmm, does the love spread to them too? I’m just not sure.

Example C: Joey D. Thomas. I don’t have to tell you guys what the D stands for. He left Relax a while ago, praying that we’d whine and cry and beg him to return. When he saw that we really didn’t give a shit, he created his own team of minions, attempting to get back at us. We all saw how that worked out… awkward... And then he found CV. Seemed like a really good fit at the time. But about two weeks ago he jumped back on the bandwagon, begging at Jay’s feet to have us take him to ATL. Alright alright –we’re not out here ruin your life Big J. Sure you and 98% of our team are true frenemies, but whatever. You can come!

To the rest of you CVers, I’m really sorry to be pointing all of this out. It’s just really sad for me when, for example, I see a Mexican hairless dog watch his owner petting a golden retriever puppy, wondering what might have been. We just want you guys to know that we really love you. ALL of you. Even everyone besides Val, Tom and Joey. We don’t actually know any of your names but we LYLAS. Can’t wait to spend a great Thursday night with you all once again – see you guys out there!

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