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Thursday, June 18, 2015

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Dinosaurs are super cool y'all.

Jurassic Park was, bar none, one of the most important moments of my LIFE. In 1993 I was 9 years old, and at the height of my dino-literacy and enthusiasm.

I still have the toy version of that T-Rex on my lunch box. I spray painted him purple and we made him a tutu and call him Denver now.

My 4th grade teacher literally let me teach segments of the dinosaur unit in science class, and always asked me how to pronounce the names of the various dinos we were looking at. I had read my Dad's copy of Jurassic Park so many times that the book fell apart and I taped it back together with duct tape, and my Mom had never read Michael Chrichton so thought it was totally harmless when I grabbed Sphere next and read some seriously bizarro sex scenes that I comprehended very little of other than  thinking Crichton really likes to describe nipples.

So when I find out Jurassic Park is going to be a MOVIE that Spring I went absolutely bananas. I re-read the book like twice and honed by dino-knowledge, carefully referring to the illustrated timeline poster I had wrapping around the walls of my room that showed what dinosaurs lived during which time periods, and carefully following up on the various dinos that appeared in the book so I was fully prepared for the majesty.  June 11, 1993, my Dad takes me to the theater on opening day, and I saw the GREATEST MOVIE EVER TO BE PUT ON FILM. Holy shit! Those were DINOSAURS! They were REAL! People use this as a reaction gif all the time, but it is literally how I felt watching that shit:

My parents probably invested a few thousand dollars into merchandise in the following year, and I will never replicate the unadulterated childlike joy I felt in that theater watching the T-Rex eat Generro while he's sitting on the shitter.

Fast forward 22 years, and I still love dinosaurs. PurpleSaurus Rex dances around with t-rex arms and roars every week, and you can bet your sweet ass that we had a team outing to go see Jurassic World on opening day. Actual opening day, not bullshit 7 PM showing on Thursday because thats when movies open now so they can inflate the opening weekend numbers, we went on Friday like AMERICANS. Bought out an entire row at the Drafthouse Ritz, fought our way through the ROT Rally crowds with our pal Denver in tow, and we rocked that shit. If I was another party in the theater, I probably would have raised a card to alert them of a rude table because we were having way too much fun. I like to think we were all 9 year olds again watching with wide eyes and giggling like idiots. After the film, Denver stalked the theater as some clever PurpleSaurs projected his profile on the big screen for all to bask in his majesty.

And not once did I point out that Velociraptors are really the size of turkeys, and the dinosaur that most closely resembles those that appear in the film is Deinonychus. Also Ankylosaurus should have gotten more screen time because he's the best dinosaur. BULLSHIT how fast he got wrecked by the Indomitus.

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