Walk of Shame

Every day, one should try and better themself by learning at least one
new thing. Well, 2 things were learned Thursday, March 8th:

1. The love affair between Jay and the sport of kickball is kinda like
the John Cusack in one of those 80s movies… standing out in the yard,
playing music, praying, hoping, desiring, that simply being there will
get the job done…that simple proximity and self-imposed dedication to
one’s most desired love will indeed be enough…completely ignoring that
the other side was not reciprocating those feelings in any way, shape,
or form. However, this past Thursday, Mother Nature treated young Jay
like the majority of attractive high school girls treat all hopeless
romantics…total B!#@H mode! Mother Nature dropped plenty of hints that
warned the evening would not end as desired…but an email with an
extremely high amount of exclamation points assured the WAKA group
that the game was ON! Mother Nature, probably shocked by the inability
to pick up on obvious clues, such as: heavy predictions of
rain/thunderstorms from professional meteorologists who have really
expensive and fancy equipment that is actually designed to predict
weather conditions; quick drops in temperature; and impending dark
ominous rain clouds moving directly towards Krieg Field; promptly
scoffed at the optimistic email and responded with sleet, then
sideways rain, a flying cow, and frigid winds just a couple knots shy
of gale-force quality (all of this happened at 6:30pm CST on Field #2,
in case you missed it), to remind all of us that she, like all women,
ulitmately control the situation and the rest of us are just trying to
get it in whenever we’re allowed. But we commend you, Jay, for the
ultimate, albeit irresponsible (at times), optimism!

2. The second thing learned was much more relevant to the current WAKA
standings. With such atmospheric conditions as described above, it
wasn’t ideal kickballing weather, but as Jay 'Cusack' informed us…the
game was still ON! Delta Bravo, despite their somewhat militaristic
team name, chose to ignore Jay’s email/call to battle and wave the
white doily towel from their couches. Instead, we assume, they all
remained home, cuddled up in their Hello Kitty snuggies, sipping on
some 4 month old Swiss Miss, trying to finish the Hunger Games trilogy
before the movies come out and ruin it, whilst trying to improve their
teenage-quality diction…hope you enjoyed yourselves, you pansy-faces!
On the contrary, the Walks showed up in full force…enthusiastically
braving the weather, the imminent colds that everyone would catch if
an hour-long game actually happened, and enduring the even-worse
traffic conditions due to always-present poor Austinite drivers,
extremely poor foresight in city road planning, and the increasing
amount of skinny-jean-wearing SXSW hipster visitors in the region, to
show that their collective team bravery would rival those American
heroes from the Band of Brothers brethren in the Battle of Bastogne
(google it, educate yourselves). The end result was a forfeit win for
Walks, which by Canadian standards, means a score of 11-0, eh. So
thank you, Delta Bravo, for rolling over, taking it like a champ, and
not even being respectful enough to inform us that you’d be too scared
as a collective team to show up…we are now stronger because of it!

Finally, everyone, please enjoy the remainder of this week however you
desire…SXSW or the shenanigans prompted by March Madness! (Delta
Bravo, we hope you burned your tongues on the Swiss Miss, but still
have a good overall week nonetheless, just without any ability to
taste free tacos or beer...unless they taste awful, because then we'd
want you to suck on that taste for awhile.)

KLJ

We came. We saw. We destroyed. I think the score was something like 37 to 1. Honestly, I have no idea what the score was at the end of our game, but I do remember several key pieces to KLJ's night of kickball domination. Let's take a stroll down memory lane, shall we? No? Well fine, screw you then; you best start sleeping with one eye open, jerk.

1. Our beloveds Kyle and Manda sacrificed a good KLJ time in order to play with their other, less awesome and 900% more serious Capital team which left the rest of us without an official clipboard holder and/or ginge. What did we do? Did we panic? Kind of. There may or may not have been several minutes of running around screaming and crying because no one knew where they were playing during which inning. Kudos to Krystal for taking on the task. I mean, not that Kyle Trazalakakalski's fool-proof squiggly grid with lopsided boxes filled with names wasn't easy to decipher...

2. I believe there was alcohol involved. At the beginning of the game our boisterous cheers were semi-coherent and fueled by love and admiration for our teammates. By perhaps the 2nd inning, our cheers were slurred and typically screamed at what might be the worst possible time. What? Are you telling Courtney "Pirate Hooker" Black and I that you aren't supposed to scream for your teammate .9 seconds before he attempts to knock one out of the park? That it can be considered "distracting" if 2 incredibly sexy ladies shrilly squeal "Let's go PRONSKYYYY!!" from the 3rd base line while spilling their beverages (obviously non-alcoholic since it is frowned upon by the establishment fo have such deliciousness on the field) at the feet of the 3rd baseman? Really? Huh, how about that. Our b...

3. The one, the only NATINA was in attendance to provide moral support and the occasional vodka-soaked feminine product.

4. There might have been some progression in the whole "learning all 47 team members' names," but I might be mistaken. Name tags are a must.

5. Kyle Woody WoodHAM was ON TIME, nay, EARLY for our game. I know, I was too impressed that he could squeeze us in between carbo-loading and bench-pressing Volkswagen Beetles.

6. The Multi-Tims were in full-blown ass-kicking mose. Yah huh, we have dos Tims who dominate the plate, in the field, and most likely can knock your socks off with a soul-stirring rendition of "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," RIP Whitney. RIP.

7. Not to toot my own horn, but I (mad Maddie) managed to stay on my feet for the entire game. Well, until Captain James spun me in circles in celebration after I managed to catch a ball in the outfield with the aid of my notable gigantic bosoms. After that, it was all I could do to get the precious beer to my lips without missing my mouth completely.

8. We Tebow'd. Now, as a two-time graduate of the University of Tennessee, by law I must hate anything and everything relating to other SEC schools; however, what about a group of drunkasses in matching t-shirts Tebowing in a team huddle isn't hilarious?

9. Perhaps the most memorable (unfortunately for some) part of the evening was due to the quick hands of Jenny HAMjosa and the poorly secured pants of one Kyle WoodHAM. The patrons of Shangri-la will never be the same and, quite frankly, I personally cried myself to sleep.

And that, my dearest ladies and gentleman, is a brief overview of the night KLJ kicked the whiskey out of their opponent. Okay yes, we are typically borderline drunk before the first pitch is thrown, but you know what? I', sorry we're not sorry for being awesome. You better watch your balls Drunk Again; we're coming for you.

Hannah Montana's XXX Tape

Hannah F’ing Montana, welcome to Capital Kickball!!!!  

Hannah has officially gotten a taste of capital with a tough fought battle against the very talented Candy Van team.  I can honestly say this is the first loss we have earned in a long time. Although we did lose 3-2 like The Mug predicted, I am very pleased with the way we played, even if we still left plenty of room for improvement. Hannah was missing two key players in this match up, and we still managed to hold the Rape Van to three children. I think everyone in capital would agree that CV has one of the most potent offenses in the nation (second to the New Orleans Saints) and if you make three mistakes, they will score three times. It is simple capital kickball math! Great game Candy Van, but we will shut you out the next time we meet as we are only getting stronger, faster and smarter!! 

On a side note, the complete game was filmed and turned out awesome!

Delta Bravo, we will see you on the 22^nd!!

Slutty as always,

Hannah

CANDY VAN

Last week, Captain VAG rode a phallic American rocket all the way to Awesometown (drunkenness).

Then, a ninja from Hannah Montana karate kicked it to destroy it because we broke all of our "bats." It was... AMAZING. And then everyone ate candy and drank more beer. The kickball game was mehhhh.

This week, we're switching gears away from our American pride and focusing more on the patron saint of drunk Mexicans, P. Chapa, with a little celebration we're calling St. Chapa's Day. Similar to St. Patrick's day, we'll get drunk and wear green. But, instead of pinching you for not wearing green, Tom "DBag" H will drop it like it's hot on you... repeatedly. You'll be some combination of aroused, disgusted, and confused the entire time you're getting Tom Dropped.

So you feel a little more inclined to join in on this St. Chapa's Day celebration, here's the Saint card about him I stole from a church.

Big League Chew

In Austin, TX, a snobby ex-baseball star conducts try-outs for the town's kickball team, which will compete for a chance at the state kickball playoffs. He slights his rowing counterpart by rejecting Stephen "Icebox" Mourisund, who is a good player. The baseball star rejected Stephen simply because he's a girl. Stephen and some of his friends, boys who were also rejected, get the idea to start up their own team, to be coached by Most Eligible Bachelor Nate Fox. After the baseball star tries to put a stop to that plan, Nate gets him to agree to a game to decide which team will represent Urbania, I mean Austin, because each town is allowed only one team. Nate and Stephen scour the town in search of willing players, and they gather a crew of kids who have limited skills and no team spirit. They luck out when Stephen discovers John Spillar expertly passing rolls of toilet paper right into a shopping cart at the supermarket, as though he's throwing a kickball to first. With Stephen and John on board, the new team, the Big League Chew, has a chance to make a good showing, and they begin their training. But low morale and lack of experience continually threatens to break up the team, and some close early season losses wreak havok on their confidence. A chance visit by former NFL football coach John Madden and four NFL football stars -- Steve Entman, Bruce Smith, Emmitt Smith, and Tim Brown -- leaves the team with several tips on how to create an advantage. Stephen develops a crush on John Spillar, and he's jealous when his kickball teammate Marie flirts with John. Stephen decides to compete for John on equal terms, so he has surgery and puts on make-up and a cheerleader outfit, joining the cheerleaders and abandoning the team. Will Stephen be there for the team if they need him? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK AFTER BIG LEAGUE CHEW DISMANTLES LIVER LET DIE FOR THEIR FIRST VICTORY AS A TEAM!

HANDS ON A HARD BODY

We want you. Yes, you. You hard-bodied men with your well-maintained six packs and your dropped-jaw-inducing sculpted arms. Let's be honest: we noticed, and we appreciate it. But, it got us thinking: who else in the league is nice to the touch? And why aren't we feeling 'em up? So, again: we want you. Come find one of us (we play on Relax & Candy Van) and show us what you got. The winners of our subjective contest will win something super awesome. Like a crown. Or a medal. Or shots at the bar. We'll pick the top 5 best bodies and broadcast them at some point in the future, giving you bragging rights forever and ever.

As a special preview, here are some of the men in the league getting called out for their phenomenal bodies. Hope you're not shy, fellas!

See you on the fields,

Alex, Sarah, and Valerie

We Don't Even Like DEEZ Balls

Out to prove that their WAKA debut against Toot It & Boot It was no fluke, We Don't Even Like Kickball used their bye week to perfect the art of between inning shot-gunning and on-deck circle beer bonging.

Needless to say, DEEZ Balls didn't stand a chance. The Hare Bear swiped his kickball v-card with a stellar performance on the mound, backed up by all-World second baseman John Crizzle Crain and his running mate up the middle, Stealthy Stephen D. Home-Run Blathrae made her Waka debut - as did her gallon light-up jug of Blay-Blay juice.

However, the stage belonged to kickball rookie Killer Kate Banks. After putting on the classic 'Guys, I Suck!' act, Kate stepped up to the plate and ripped a run-scoring kick that broke both the hearts and minds of DEEZ BALLZ. Her sudden fame got to her head - however - as she decided she didn't give 2 shits about 3rd base, and she was tagged out idly standing by the bag while the ball was right next to her. Nonetheless, her performance garnered her MVP honors for the night.

At the end of the night, We Don't Even Like Kickball kicked DEEZ Balls right in DERE Balls and continue their march through WAKA Capital.

Submitted by KD

Relax and Let it Happen

I assume Delta Bravo is code for D-Bags, but this year it has been code for Damn Bad. Joey and Hunter, the only people on the team who know what is going on, are trying their hardest to lead a team that has a fair amount of athletic talent but no experience. Once we went up 5 - 0, Joey looked like he didn't care, and Hunter never really did. We beat them 10-1 in a game that was pretty normal considering we won and they lost. One thing that was different was the first baseman for Delta Bravo. He is 6' 10'' and from what I could tell, he's a gentle giant. With some work, this guy could be the best first basemen in the league because he has the wingspan of the majestic bald eagle. Shout out to America.

If it doesn't rain, this week we play a new team called "We Don't Even Like Kickball". After we're through with them, the name of their team will be a reality. Want to see us try to score 20 again? Come on out and watch the clinic. Until the, Relax and Let it Happen. 

Liver Let Die

Let us be the first to congratulate our competitors on a team name that still had us giggling like school girls at the bar. Well, at least Jason was. That guy’s a quack. Chicks Dig Big Kicks, you guys (and gals) were a class act and fun to play.

Everyone played sharp, but a few call-outs are in order:

- Our bright shining star Cody deserves special mention. This guy is just like Thomas the train. The train that could. And he attacks the field with tank-engine force.

- Just ask our second call-out, Sean, who we’re pretty sure no longer has an ankle and/or foot after a wicked infield collision with the lo-cody-motion engine. He was a punishing force at first.

- Finally, if a kickball gets anywhere near Allie, it’s caught. She is like the Death Star. A Death Star with a curtsy.

This Liver team comes to you with a mix bag of veterans and newbies. Our fearless leader David brings his kickball zeal and know-how to a group of misfits in an attempt to pull off his best Brad-Pitt-In-Moneyball. It’s going to be a challenge but we have high hopes. Now if we can just get that was-fat-now-skinny kid from Superbad to create some kind of algorithm we’ll be, well… in the Money.

Good times. Relax: we’re coming for you.   

Walk of Shame

Hello League. Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are The British Army Walk of Shame. We wanted to let you good people know just how excited we are to see you each and every Thursday at Krieg, or Pan Am, or wherever it is we are playing in a given week. We would also like to extend an online high five to Big League Chew and Suck My Kick for rolling over playing hard fought games with us in the first two weeks. Most of us have had the chance to meet the people from every team in the league this year and we must say that we are digging the league.

All of these teams are cool….

Tyrannical Teabaggers

Candy Van

Suck My Kick

Delta Bravos

Big League Chew

Slampieces, Smokeshows, and Bros

Hannah Montana XXX Tape

Liver Let Die

We Don’t Even Like Kickball

Toot it and Boot it

Deez Balls

Chicks Dig Big Kicks

All of these teams are not….

Relax and Let it Happen

With that said, we really hope to see you people at the bar this year. If you don't know who we are, we'll be the team wearing the red shirts with the group of black guys dancing to the 6 rap songs available in the jukebox. Shouldn't be that hard to spot us. See you down there!

Toot It and Boot It

Toot its says:

We might be a pack of mutts, but come game time, the beast will be unleashed!

We made the most of our bye last week, tootin' and bootin' like we've never tooted and booted before (maybe played a little beer pong on some tennis courts in between suicides).

Tonight, you will witness the dedication, strength, and heart we have and you will also be witness to how much we love beer.

I invite you all to join us on field 3- play some Bpong, mingle, and most importantly see us give "that kick cray" a GRADE A, CERTIFIED, toot it approved arse whoopin'.

Cray, baby, WE'RE COMIN' FOR YA!

Candy Van

Look, when Papa Jay tells you to write a GMOT, you write a GMOT. I don't want his mug of fury raining down terror and drunken slurs on me. Plus, this week's game will be RIPE with good times, so I probably ought to get the HYPE machine going anyway.

This week, we face Hannah Montana: the other team in the league who likes making jokes about the sexuality of underage kids with passionate adult feelings. But, that's not what's important. What IS important is our decision to have a theme: AMERICA. Candy Van will be showing our favorite country's pride by shotgunning beers and having a bald eagle in our dugout. We'll probably let him pitch, too. And we'll yell things like "F-ck Canada," "YOU MAD, BRO," "SUPERSIZE IT," and "YO, GATORADE ME, B-TCH." My guess is that Matty A will be sporting an American flag man thong and Elizabeth "Demon Ginger" K will be wondering what the H she got herself into. Me? I'm probably going a different route: American Gladiator. Mostly because I want to wear my silver leggings. DON'T HATE.

I'll leave you with this image from theoatmeal.com:

Big League Chew

Two games in and two 1-run losses. This one wasn't any easier to swallow, losing with the bases loaded in the bottom of the fifth. That being said, another impressive defensive performance, and great play by our newbies! Both in the field, and at bad, these girls and guys did a great job keeping us in the game. Unfortunately, the game came with a devastating loss. Kristen "the spider" DeYoe seriously injured her knee running through first base. MRI results are coming, and BLC can only hope that she'll be able to return this season. By the way, she was safe at first.

This week we have the Walks. We'll also have the debut of John Spillar (I think), our ringer from out of town. He's been traveling on business the past two weeks, but I feel like he's ready to become the difference maker for us. To Dre: Stephen talks of only one thing as we prepare for this pivotal match up... Trucking you at first base during his first at bat.

THATS THE TICKET!!!

PurpleSaurus Rex!

The PurpleSaurus has just been too awesome for two weeks, and needed a break. The standings are a bit misleading. Yes, we have yet to win a game, but that says nothing about the true performance of the team. When you look at the SMCAKES ratings (Stephen Moursund's Completely Arbitrary Kickball Evaluation System), we actually rank in the top 5 of all kickball teams anywhere, in the history of time.

We attempted to institute a brisk training regimen during our bye week, but quickly ran into a serious problem:

We'll still be at the fields tomorrow watching the rest of you attempt to be as awesome as us, so good luck to everyone playing tonight!

Love,
Stephen

We've Got Throws in Different Area Codes

Two games in and we are still yet to score, although last week’s 0-7 showed much improvement over our first game’s 0-15 loss. J-man told me at the bar that there is hope for us though. He said that if we improve by the same amount this week we should win by 1 point. (And J-man must be good at math because he is in some smart-sounding science program at UT). Winning would be awesome, but we’ll be pretty ecstatic if we can get just one point on the board.

 Even if our offense continues looking like Charlie Brown, we are looking forward to many flip cups games at the fields before we head to the bar. We’ve been honing our skills and have created a flip cup lineup to hide weaknesses and maximize our one-flip-wonders. Our game is at 6:15 so come challenge us before your game! Here’s to hoping we finally get lucky on the field (or at the bar)!