This week, we play PurpleSaurus Rex. They are horrible and we will kill them. PurpleSaurus Rex is a team that has been pissing me off for a while now. A few weeks ago, Stephen informed me that there are “fun points” this season, and that Relax had garnered some for simply writing a weekly GMOT – while insinuating that Relax could not possibly ever earn “fun points” in any other way, because we aren’t fun. I don’t know where to find the rankings but I’m willing to bet PurpleSaurus Rex is leading this imaginary “fun race”.
I see this as a fierce injustice that needs to be addressed. PS Rex, just because you wear lady-colored spandex and jewelry and wigs, does that really make you “fun”? Because you carry a mobile speaker blasting Calvin Harris and dance like no one is watching, do you really deserve applause? When it all boils down, all you really are is a more obnoxious version of Relax. Think about it. Relax is having a goddamn blast every time we pull down our pants to shit on this league. Dominating you guys every week is better than an annual pass to Six Flags. Just because we don’t prance and sing and sport the colors of the rainbow, doesn’t mean we aren’t out-funning you in each and every moment of life. Winning is fun – and Relax is ALWAYS winning.
And I get it. It’s not fair for Relax to win EVERY single thing. We live in a world where every kid has to win at something, and participation and sportsmanship awards are handed out like Kind Bars at Whole Foods. So league, have your “fun race”. Have your competition where Relax isn’t in the lead. Have your tiny sliver of sunshine that peeks through our shadow as we lay spread-eagled, basking in the glory of the UV rays. Enjoy. But don’t for one second let yourself be fooled. Relax is STILL better than you at every single aspect of life, including fun.
Can’t wait to see PS Rexnight. We will outwit, outplay, and outfun you once again. Smooches, y’all.