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Thursday, July 14, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

I'm here to make a public service announcement! 
Is pokemon go affecting your life negatively? 

Are you:

- Addicted
- Feel like your entire day is being consumed by catching little animated non-existent creatures
- Losing touch with all of your friends
- Stopping in the middle of the street to collect said creatures
- Running across dead bodies 
- Getting mugged by teens
- SIngle
- A Male
- Grant Larsen

If you answered yes to any of these, then you have a serious problem. But fear not because I have the remedy for you.

Nick Offerman's 5 rules for being a male:

1. Take a bite of steak
2. Wash it down with some whiskey, preferably single malt scotch
3. Find a socialist and punch him in the face
4. Hand craft a small wooden boat (out of cedar preferably... obviously)
5. Make love to a partner of your choice (preferably someone who is accepting of your advances) and upon climax, withdraw your firearm and unload some rounds, laced with double entendre, into the night sky.

If you are a woman, disregard this message. You are allowed to play pokemon go.

Mason Heath

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