Natures hairy walnuts. I've lived my life with a constant fear involving my balls. They've been hit. They've been sat on. They've been sweaty. Any they've been itchy. I thought that this would be my life forever, but on Wednesday, June 15th the clouds parted and the heavens sang to me.
"Hark. Thine testiculades shall herefore and thuns be draped with pillowy softness and caressed by thine own divine glory."
So I said.
Turns out the heavens were correct and so I purchased my first HappySac. HappySac is a sack for your sack. It's a cloth pouch with a light elastic band at the top that is made to keep your business covered. All they had in stock when I bought mine was the medium but based on the sizing chart and usage I need a large (keep it in your pants ladies).
This thing is a goddamn revelation. I put it on and forgot it was there just minutes later. It so gently cradled my dangly bits that it felt like I was ass in the air, spread eagle with my entire team was softly stroking my giblets with feathers.
They did not get sweaty or itch. They were not sat on. And no one hit them (although this was probably because I wasn't around shitty people). I'm waiting for the larger size to come in stock (again, because I've got some meaty clackers) but as soon as they do I'll be buying several more.
If you want to feel like Bea Arthur squatting over a stream daintily dipping your slappers into the cool water try one out. It will change your life.