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Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Here's a Hardon bedtime story for the kids:

Once upon a time there was a young scientist who was very smart. He was so smart that he could pick any disease and surely be able to cure it. He couldn't decide! AIDS, cancer, diabetes, heart disease- the list goes on and on. Everyone begged him to help them, but he didn't know who to help. He definitely couldn't help everyone.

One day, a man in a shiny suit and some real cool hair knocked on his door and told him of a terrible thing that has been happening all across America. Men of all ages were having difficulty getting erections and they couldn't figure out why. They would look at super awesome porn and hire very limber ladies of the night, but nothing would work. The scientist was in disbelief and, for the first time in his life, questioning how he could solve a problem. He wanted to help, but expressed his uncertainty to the man in the suit. Well he dumped a truckload of money at the scientist's feet and he was instantly off to find a cure!

After toiling away with pipettes and test tubes, the scientist found that pills and injections did nothing for these poor men. What a disaster! He was so ashamed. Everyone was disappointed and the scientist went into hiding. He wouldn't get out of bed until one night when he had an amazing dream. A wet dream! And there were 50 super good looking people in it that caused everyone to get instant boners. He had his idea!

So he went into his laboratory to create 50 super boner-inducing mutant individuals and these boys and girls would play kickball. There were so many of them active that their team had to split into two different teams. And they would wear skimpy outfits and act very lewd in public places, but everyone they encountered would get erections whether they wanted them or not. He had done it! Men would see them and run home to finally pound one out in the wives they settled for after years of impotence. All was well in the world. He even gave them fake belly buttons so no one would be racist towards them or limit their point-scoring abilities.

They did super cool themes, camping trips, boat parties, pub crawls, and even murdered the scientist at one point to prevent any new science experiments. They did everything together! They never aged and certainly never got too old to act like idiots and make people super jealous of their undeniable boner powers.

The end.

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