Final Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A

Literally doubled their runs scored for the season in their last game.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

Winning the ones that count, even if it actually kind of hurt them with the way the bracket shook out!

3 - Slumpbusters - N/A

They end up with the five seed, which puts them in the same position as last season of having to go through the champs in the semifinals in order to win the tourney.

4 - $hit Circu$ - N/A

Charged up the standings late to secure the 3 seed and get on the (presumably) easier track to the 'ship.

5 - A Nu Start - N/A

I think they got some of the terrible play out of their system last week, which is good because they're going to need to be overachieving to advance: their first round opponent Slumpbusters are definitely better than their #5 seed indicates.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A

They had no idea everyone makes the playoffs and assumed they wouldn't make the cut. I may have to pick them to upset a high seed just for giggles. Spoiler!

7- At Least We're Having Fun - N/A

There are teams in this conference they can hang with, and teams in this conference that they can't hang with. Last week they ran up against the latter, and unfortunately they face the 1 seed in the first round.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - N/A

Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?

9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A

Finishing strong, clearly in control.

10 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↑2

Completely dismantled Pitches be Trippin early, and then cruised through a clean error-free game for an easy win.

11 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1

Didn't look good in an ugly loss, but it was very much an outlier based on the rest of the season.

12 - Blue Bandits - ↑3

Look at these guys! Charging back into relevance.

13 - Alcaballic Rex - ↓1

Two steps forward, one step back will still eventually get you to the top right?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - N/A

No shame in losing to the best team in the conference.

15 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓4

A precipitous drop in quality games here, 13 runs allowed to the last place team?

16 - Freeballers - N/A

For all their trouble they get a first round bye and then a matchup with my pack of delinquents to kick off the second day of playoffs.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - N/A

Really couldn't find a more difficult spot in the bracket to be in.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A

Finished the season hot! They go up against the surging Blue Bandits in the first round though.

TX Live Week 9 Picks

Back under .700 after a week of two ties, missing on an upset I picked, and two upsets I didn't see coming. CURSES! These are your last regular season picks!

Regular Season Record: 33-12-7 (675)

THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Blue Bandits
Alcaballic Rex -2.5

Game 2: At Least We're Having Fun vs Caesar Kickerman
Kickerman -5.5

Game 3: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Freeballers
Freeballers -1.5

Game 4: Fresh Bru vs Legendary Red Rockets
Fresh Bru -1.5

Game 5: Gary Kick Jr vs LHC Girth
LHC -2.5

Game 6: Slumpbuster vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
Teabaggers -1.5

Game 7: LHC Length vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ -1.5

Game 8: Red Ball and V0dka vs Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt
Red Ball -4.5

Game of the Week: $hit Circus vs A Nu Start
This is a sneakily big game for the Circus. Due to a week 2 forfeit from the Slumpbusters they have a good chance of sneaking in at the three seed and staying away from Kickerman until the Final, and have been paying more attention to the standings than any team ever (otherwise I wouldn't know about this). ANUSTART had a down week last week but tends to play up when challenged to do so, so as usual this game is going to come down to errors. If the Tarts don't go on tilt they can be more consistent, but the Circus seems to have more speed and savvy.
$hit Circu$ -1.5

TX Live Power Rankings - Week 9

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A

Played big in a big game, and hold on to the top spot.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

Keeping up with their latest trend of just being playground bullies, they win 16-3 over the Rockets.

3 - Slumpbusters - N/A

Well fought game, but came up short. (This did not change from last week, still true).

4 - $hit Circu$ - ↑1

Gettin er done and has a legitimate shot to go into the playoffs well positioned for the tournament.

5 - A Nu Start - ↓1

I'm starting to think these guys play to the level of their opponents, be that up or down.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A

We may have found the right ranking for this group.

7- At Least We're Having Fun - ↑1

Big game last week and almost pulled off the big upset, they still get props.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - ↓1

Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?

9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↑2

The only team in the conference truly rolling with the Pitches faltering last week.

10 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1

Ran up against a truly solid defensive team and couldn't get late runs to seal the deal.

11 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓1

I know they had an offense around here somewhere...

12 - Alcaballic Rex - ↑2

Coming on strong in the late season and getting back into form.

13 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓1

The torch has truly been passed. Maybe girth really is better than length?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - ↑1

Two really strong games, putting them solidly middle of the pack.

15 - Blue Bandits - ↑2

Pulling off the comeback after being down 6 runs in the 4th would have been amazing, but they couldn't quite finish.

16 - Freeballers - ↓2

Well that's what happens when I pick a dark horse I guess.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - ↓1

They need to hit the gym and kick some more.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A

For justice!

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

LHC Girth: House of Coreys

He was a Corey fan at heart, its clear

He searched and found a Corey hair

He spent 10 long years and built a cloning machine

And now he’s accomplished his wonderful dream

To make a house of Coreys

Its a House of Coreys

Corey #16: Token Corey

He only reads his own literature and comes up with all his own sex moves.

Corey #15: Female Mason Corey

The name is insulting enough.

Corey #14: Clipboard Corey

Actually shows up and is fun.  Fails to set an example for this group.

Corey #13: Invisible Corey

She’s all around you.  Just kidding, she’s inside you.  In your butt.  Your butthole.

Corey #12: Goatee Corey

It’s like sitting on a guinea pig.

Corey #11: Blonde Corey

Blonde.

Corey #10: Psyche Corey

Get analyzed and figure out the dreams about your mother fellating a lawn dart.

Corey #9: Hispanic Corey

Spicy and absentee.  Classic.

Corey #8: San Antonio Corey

Tuberculosis free since 2016.

Corey #7: Curious Corey

She wants to get in all your nooks and crannies.  Because she’s curious, you see.

Corey #6: Hat Corey

Who is this guy?

Corey #5: Coreyette

She does basically all Corey stuff, but she’s a girl so it’s socially acceptable.

Corey #4: Creatine Corey

Get blasted in the mouth.

Corey #3: Face Plant Corey

Enjoys drinking in moderation.

Corey #2: Caveman Corey

Hairy, aggressive, and territorial.

Corey #1: Chameleon Corey

Easily Blends in with his surroundings and is often mistaken for Corey #16.

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

I'm here to make a public service announcement! 

Is pokemon go affecting your life negatively? 

Are you:

- Addicted

- Feel like your entire day is being consumed by catching little animated non-existent creatures

- Losing touch with all of your friends

- Stopping in the middle of the street to collect said creatures

- Running across dead bodies 

- Getting mugged by teens

- SIngle

- A Male

- Grant Larsen

If you answered yes to any of these, then you have a serious problem. But fear not because I have the remedy for you.

Nick Offerman's 5 rules for being a male:

1. Take a bite of steak

2. Wash it down with some whiskey, preferably single malt scotch

3. Find a socialist and punch him in the face

4. Hand craft a small wooden boat (out of cedar preferably... obviously)

5. Make love to a partner of your choice (preferably someone who is accepting of your advances) and upon climax, withdraw your firearm and unload some rounds, laced with double entendre, into the night sky.

If you are a woman, disregard this message. You are allowed to play pokemon go.

Love,

Mason Heath

TX Live Week 8 Picks

Redemption! 10-1-1 last week to get my average back up. No picks from week 7 due to being on my honeymoon, sorry if you missed me!

Regular Season Record: 26-9-5 (.7125)

THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Gary Kick Jr vs Large Hardon Collider - Length

LHC Length -3

Game 2: Fresh Bru vs Slumpbusters

Slumpbusters -3

Game 3: Blue Bandits vs Freeballers

Freeballers -2

Game 4: $hit Circu$ vs Fresh Bru

$hit Circu$ -1

Game 5: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Blue Bandits

LHC Length -3

Game 6: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Large Hardon Collider - Girth

LHC Girth -2

Game 7: Alcaballic Rex vs Pitche$ B Trippin'

Pitche$ B Trippin' -1

Game 8: The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs Legendary Red Rockets

Teabaggers -3

Game 9: Gary Kick Jr vs Red Ball and V0dka

Red Ball -3

Game 10: A Nu Start vs At Least We're Having Fun

 A Nu Start -4

Game 11: Freeballers vs Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt

Freeballers -5

Game of the Week: Caesar Kickerman vs Slumpbusters

The matchup so good we did it two weeks in a row! This was probably the best game of the last seasons playoffs, and the 3-1 battle from last week didn't disappoint either. Slumpbusters will have the advantage of a warmup game this time around, and I'm calling the upset!

Slumpbusters -1

TX Live Power Rankings - Week 8

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A

The 6:30 time slot doesn't appear to be their strong suit as they nearly dropped a game to the surging anus tarts, but they showed up to play against Slumpbusters.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - ↑1

Their new thing appears to be scoring a lot of runs against lower ranking teams. Like a LOT.

3 - Slumpbusters - ↓1

Well fought game, but came up short.

4 - A Nu Start - ↑2

After starting slow the Bluths are coming out of nowhere with huge performances. Last week they had a double header where they almost toppled Kickerman and then blanked Fresh Bru. Look out!

5 - $hit Circu$ - ↑3

Another team very much reversing their fortunes. Things looked bleak rolling into lass week with a goose egg in the win column, but double header wins against the Rockets and At Least We're Having Fun have them in contention again.

6 - Fresh Bru - ↓2

Trending in the wrong direction, and it's do or die time this week with games coming up against Slumpbusters and Shit Circus.

7 - Legendary Red Rockets - ↓2

Where have you gone, Rockets of the first half of the season? They're playing in a primetime 8:30 matchup against the Tea Baggers, and a win will flip the script in a big way.

8- At Least We're Having Fun - ↓1

They should have listened to Han Solo after that first win, things haven't gone so well since then.

9 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↑3After their loss they're on a 3 game streak with a +10 run differential.

10 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓1

Call them #9b.

11 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↑4

They have emerged victorious in the Collider collision and take their rightful place above their brethren.

12 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓2

Gotta wonder, did they let their little brother win?

13 - Freeballers - N/A

This may look weird with the standings being what they are, but I'm confident tonights games prove me right about this ranking.

14 - Alcaballic Rex - ↑3

Coming on strong in the late season and getting back into form.

15 - Gary Kick Jr - ↓4

This is a result of me bumping them too high on a win, they're actually doing alright.

16 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - ↓2

I suspect they may be much better than this, but they keep losing close ones.

17 - Blue Bandits - ↑1

They have emerged from the basement!

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - ↓2

Well tits.

LHC Length - TX Live

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LHC Length - TX Live

When we can't decide on a topic to write about, I just end up opening the flood gates on what could be considered a terrifying stream of consciousness. So, enjoy:

There have been a lot of bad people that have lived and died on this great big, blue planet that we call Earth. There have been people who raped, murdered, committed genocide, convinced people that immunizations and gluten are bad for you and your kids, you name it. Bad, bad people. We've all read the history books. We've all read Buzzfeed. We've all read and posted whatever random, shitty, partisan, skewed web site article that feeds into our current popular fanaticism (Actually, I misspoke, that's you that does that, not me. Stop doing that. It's awful and makes you look ignorant, not smart.)

Today, however, I'd like to bring up a type of person that tops them all. A person that fills me with such hatred that I hope they just get hit by a bus, or better yet, a train, because trains can literally only travel along train tracks, and it would just prove how stupid these people are by getting hit by a train. That's a wonderful thought, but I digress. Ah yes, as I was saying, the worst person in literally the entire world, and across all time and all potential multiverse iterations: The Spoiler.

We all want to talk about our favorite forms of entertainment with like-minded individuals. We want to find out about nuance we may have missed, or the latest conspiracy theories associated with the newest episode, because it's fucking fun and gets us through the work day. But The Spoiler is different. The Spoiler only cares about themselves and doing anything and everything to make themselves look cool. The Spoiler takes to social media and gives away plot points that other good-natured people have been waiting, sometimes weeks, to experience. "Oh man, people will think I'm so cool if I show that I watched a show! It's going to be so cool and funny! I bet I'm the first person to ever watch this!"

Well I'm here to tell you that it's not funny, and you're not cool. In fact this is probably why your Dad left when you were a kid and also why dinosaurs are extinct. What you do is pointless and ruins other people's days. You are the taint-biting mosquito of social media. You are the gum on the bottom of a shoe that's getting tracked all over everyone's carpet. You are both the dog shit and the shitty dog owner who doesn't pick up said dog shit. I'm sure even Donald Trump is disgusted at the thought of you.

So think twice before putting your idiotic notions on blast for all to inadvertently see, Spoiler. Instead of living in your stupid internet world of fantasy, how about contributing to society by talking to people in person, and/or getting a job, and/or being a decent person and/or friend (and/or).

Unlike all of the people in the first paragraph, the path to redemption for you is an easy one, Spoiler. You can come back from this and pretend that your life never went down this path to begin with. All you have to do is shut your stupid, virtual mouth, or fingers...or whatever. I mean, not being a dipshit isn't going to bring your Daddy back, or the dinosaurs, but it may, just may, help you hold on to your few remaining friends. Maybe.

Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - TX Live

There are 26 letters in the alphabet, but the only three I care about are U S A

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA



USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA 



USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

I wish you all a Happy Fourth of July. I hope your weekend is full of extremely cold and extremely domestic beers. May your hot dogs and hamburgers be plentiful and your ignorance to the rest of the world be #1 - the same number as the greatest nation on earth, if not the universe.

One more time for good measure

USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA

LHC - Length

Balls. 

Natures hairy walnuts. I've lived my life with a constant fear involving my balls. They've been hit. They've been sat on. They've been sweaty. Any they've been itchy. I thought that this would be my life forever, but on Wednesday, June 15th the clouds parted and the heavens sang to me.

"Hark. Thine testiculades shall herefore and thuns be draped with pillowy softness and caressed by thine own divine glory."

So I said. 

"Huh?"

Turns out the heavens were correct and so I purchased my first HappySac. HappySac is a sack for your sack. It's a cloth pouch with a light elastic band at the top that is made to keep your business covered. All they had in stock when I bought mine was the medium but based on the sizing chart and usage I need a large (keep it in your pants ladies). 

This thing is a goddamn revelation. I put it on and forgot it was there just minutes later. It so gently cradled my dangly bits that it felt like I was ass in the air, spread eagle with my entire team was softly stroking my giblets with feathers.

They did not get sweaty or itch. They were not sat on. And no one hit them (although this was probably because I wasn't around shitty people). I'm waiting for the larger size to come in stock (again, because I've got some meaty clackers) but as soon as they do I'll be buying several more.

If you want to feel like Bea Arthur squatting over a stream daintily dipping your slappers into the cool water try one out. It will change your life.

Love,

Paymon

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day!

I hope you have a great day.  I just want to let you know that I’m thinking of you like you were always thinking of me at the bottom of every beer you pounded.  Like a beautiful lifelong game of cat and mouse, such is your love for me.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t quite live up to your expectations.  You were right to burn me with a curling iron when I botched mowing the lawn.  Putting it in my mouth may have been a bit excessive.  But the secret collections of scars on unexposed areas of my body are a testament to the lessons you’ve taught me.  Except for that acid that burned off my ear.  Hydrofluoric: you’re such a smart man.  It really penetrates to the bone.  I would know that better if I had become a chemist like you, but instead followed my passion for writing.  I really wish you hadn’t thrown my typewriter at mom, breaking her clavicle.

But like you said, you’re a sensitive and passionate man.  And you have so much passion and senses that it’s too much for one family, necessitating a secret family in Winnipeg and another in Grand Rapids.  I hope they’re also thinking of you this special day.

May you have another great year and be proud of me once again - like you were when my adult kickball team won the Austin TX Live playoff tournament.

Love,
Your Son

Pitche$ B Trippin'

Don't look now, but Pitche$ B Trippin' is #1 in the Music Conference standings! It MAY have something to do with the fact that only 6 of our 18 teams have actually gotten to play a game, but it's also totally possible that we're the greatest team ever assembled on the face of the planet. Don't rule it out.

Unfortunately, one of our captains turned 25 last Sunday, so she's old and not cool anymore. Currently looking for a tall, hot, brunette, but UNDER 25 lady with strong leadership skills to replace her. 

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

After another wonderful weekend of Hardon madness (Kendall’s birthday), we have to sit back and wonder how did this amazing team assemble? Just over 50 people have been fortunate enough to call themselves Hardons. But where did it all start?

One sunny day, 2 Hardons played tummy sticks or dry docked each other or perhaps both (the specific details have been lost over time), and came up with the idea to create a team that would become the biggest party animal team the world has ever seen. After a few seasons this team became so out of control they had to separate into two massive Hardons. Length and Girth.

And to think I was only 6 inches away from making a penis joke.

Penis jokes are so old, I mean cum on.

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Hello my friends, it's 'bout time y'all learned

Of this sweet little move before you get burned

It's certain to keep you rich in friends

If you just give it a try, your embarrassment will end

Well this sweet little move, it's the right thing to do

When it's time to get busy, in your room or the loo

When your partner is ready and raring to go

Don't just ball up your fist and ram it on home

This sweet little move, oh yes, sweet indeed

Push your fingers together and make your best beak

It's the right thing do, I'll say it again

The Courtesy Beak: Your new best friend

Aerodynamically true, lube you shant need

The design of this beak is the best thing we've seen

Now do not forget this when you set down beside 'er (or him, but that doesn't rhyme)

For we will be watching

Love,

Large Hardon Collider  ( uu==Length==D~~ )

Pitche$ B Trippin'

The forecasters were wrong last week (well, 2/3 wrong), they can be wrong again this week!

Sadly due to not realizing that 7/8 of our permanent refs are all on the same two teams, I had to ref another game while my team was playing. BUMMER. Somehow, I was still able to become the MVP of the game when I called off play in the 5th inning due to the lightning getting too close. Unbeknownst to me we had given up 2 runs in the top of the 5th to go from a 2-1 lead to a 2-3 deficit, and were in the bottom of the 5th, so when the final score reverted to the end of the 4th inning we got a weird win!  

Of course, we had Richie "Mr Clutch" Fischbach up to kick and runners in scoring position with 1 out, so it's pretty much guaranteed that he would have kicked a 3 run homer or something to walk it off.

So with the W, and only one run allowed, and two teams not getting to play ... FIRST PLACE!

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Here's a Hardon bedtime story for the kids:

Once upon a time there was a young scientist who was very smart. He was so smart that he could pick any disease and surely be able to cure it. He couldn't decide! AIDS, cancer, diabetes, heart disease- the list goes on and on. Everyone begged him to help them, but he didn't know who to help. He definitely couldn't help everyone.

One day, a man in a shiny suit and some real cool hair knocked on his door and told him of a terrible thing that has been happening all across America. Men of all ages were having difficulty getting erections and they couldn't figure out why. They would look at super awesome porn and hire very limber ladies of the night, but nothing would work. The scientist was in disbelief and, for the first time in his life, questioning how he could solve a problem. He wanted to help, but expressed his uncertainty to the man in the suit. Well he dumped a truckload of money at the scientist's feet and he was instantly off to find a cure!

After toiling away with pipettes and test tubes, the scientist found that pills and injections did nothing for these poor men. What a disaster! He was so ashamed. Everyone was disappointed and the scientist went into hiding. He wouldn't get out of bed until one night when he had an amazing dream. A wet dream! And there were 50 super good looking people in it that caused everyone to get instant boners. He had his idea!

So he went into his laboratory to create 50 super boner-inducing mutant individuals and these boys and girls would play kickball. There were so many of them active that their team had to split into two different teams. And they would wear skimpy outfits and act very lewd in public places, but everyone they encountered would get erections whether they wanted them or not. He had done it! Men would see them and run home to finally pound one out in the wives they settled for after years of impotence. All was well in the world. He even gave them fake belly buttons so no one would be racist towards them or limit their point-scoring abilities.

They did super cool themes, camping trips, boat parties, pub crawls, and even murdered the scientist at one point to prevent any new science experiments. They did everything together! They never aged and certainly never got too old to act like idiots and make people super jealous of their undeniable boner powers.

The end.