When we can't decide on a topic to write about, I just end up opening the flood gates on what could be considered a terrifying stream of consciousness. So, enjoy:
There have been a lot of bad people that have lived and died on this great big, blue planet that we call Earth. There have been people who raped, murdered, committed genocide, convinced people that immunizations and gluten are bad for you and your kids, you name it. Bad, bad people. We've all read the history books. We've all read Buzzfeed. We've all read and posted whatever random, shitty, partisan, skewed web site article that feeds into our current popular fanaticism (Actually, I misspoke, that's you that does that, not me. Stop doing that. It's awful and makes you look ignorant, not smart.)
Today, however, I'd like to bring up a type of person that tops them all. A person that fills me with such hatred that I hope they just get hit by a bus, or better yet, a train, because trains can literally only travel along train tracks, and it would just prove how stupid these people are by getting hit by a train. That's a wonderful thought, but I digress. Ah yes, as I was saying, the worst person in literally the entire world, and across all time and all potential multiverse iterations: The Spoiler.
We all want to talk about our favorite forms of entertainment with like-minded individuals. We want to find out about nuance we may have missed, or the latest conspiracy theories associated with the newest episode, because it's fucking fun and gets us through the work day. But The Spoiler is different. The Spoiler only cares about themselves and doing anything and everything to make themselves look cool. The Spoiler takes to social media and gives away plot points that other good-natured people have been waiting, sometimes weeks, to experience. "Oh man, people will think I'm so cool if I show that I watched a show! It's going to be so cool and funny! I bet I'm the first person to ever watch this!"
Well I'm here to tell you that it's not funny, and you're not cool. In fact this is probably why your Dad left when you were a kid and also why dinosaurs are extinct. What you do is pointless and ruins other people's days. You are the taint-biting mosquito of social media. You are the gum on the bottom of a shoe that's getting tracked all over everyone's carpet. You are both the dog shit and the shitty dog owner who doesn't pick up said dog shit. I'm sure even Donald Trump is disgusted at the thought of you.
So think twice before putting your idiotic notions on blast for all to inadvertently see, Spoiler. Instead of living in your stupid internet world of fantasy, how about contributing to society by talking to people in person, and/or getting a job, and/or being a decent person and/or friend (and/or).
Unlike all of the people in the first paragraph, the path to redemption for you is an easy one, Spoiler. You can come back from this and pretend that your life never went down this path to begin with. All you have to do is shut your stupid, virtual mouth, or fingers...or whatever. I mean, not being a dipshit isn't going to bring your Daddy back, or the dinosaurs, but it may, just may, help you hold on to your few remaining friends. Maybe.
