Denver's Diary 2/6/2017- Purplesaurus Rex

Dear Diary,

At the end of 2016, I started reevaluating my life and promised myself that when 2017 rolled around I would clean up my dirty habits. You know, less sex, drugs, drinking, and more clean eating. I want to live another billion years after all!

I was determined to stick to the T-Rex Diet:

Then kickball started back up. Along with that came the copious amount of pizza, whiskey, babes, and beer.

​

How in the hell am I supposed to be speedo ready in a month?!

Not to mention, January and February have been jam-packed with birthdays! How do I join in on the fun when I can't party?! (Obviously the answer is to say "eff it" and party.)

Then, in a miracle that could have only happened in a galaxy far, far away, my team won a game! 

​

I was so excited...I peed.

​

Not my proudest moment, Diary. Luckily, the team didn't notice because they were too busy celebrating. *whew*

Love,

Denver

Denver's Diary 2/1/2017- Purplesaurus Rex

Dear Diary

I've noticed a lot of my friends are having birthdays lately. I think its a ploy to get everyone drunk. Or their parents were just all having sex at the same time. Either way, I've decided that we were all meant to be friends in the grand scheme of life. Like minded individuals who drink like proper PurpleSaurus Rex should. 

Case and point, wine in a pint glass with wings & a tutu on. 

Peace, love & dinos. 

The Famous Camera of all Hardon Nudity is up for Sale- Hardons

8230 sexy photos have been taken by this magnificent object! So many moments, so much nudity! But there comes a time when you must say goodbye and move onto green pastures.

I am looking to find this little guy and his 5 friends a new home. My Nikon D7000 DSLR with multiple lenses are up for sale.

The Camera is in excellent condition and a low shutter count of only 8230 (5% of it’s expected shutter life). The bundle comes with 5 lenses, battery, charger, hard case, and more.

I purchased the camera brand new and am looking to upgrade all my equipment. Current retail for the body and lenses are around $3000. I’m asking for $1450 for the bundle. I am willing to sell each item separately as well. Cash only

This camera is perfect for basic and intermediate photography hobbyist. Just check out the photo gallery!

The following are included:

Nikon D7000 Body w/battery and charger – $300

Nikon AF-S DX NIKKOR 18-105mm f/3.5-5.6G ED (kit lens) – $160

Nikon AF-S NIKKOR 50mm 1.8g (my personal favourite lens) – $140

Sigma 10-20mm f/4-5.6 EX DC HSM – $270

Nikon AF-S DX NIKKOR 55-200MM f/4-5.6G ED – $100

Nikon AF-S DX NIKKOR 18-300mm f/3.5-5.6G ED (amazing all purpose lens!) – $600

Nanuk 905 Hard Case – $20

Email sean@hardonkickball.com if you are interested. Nude photos not included… actually, let me think about that.

Denver's Diary 1/25/17- Purplesaurus Rex

It's been a long week for most of us. Friday .... well I just wanted to hide under a bed, or in a bed, or really anywhere I could get away from Facebook/TV/Media in general. Then I got dragged to an actual fucking inauguration party!

Thankfully the host had provisions, and didn't turn the TV on! 

I spent the rest of the weekend taking it easy, you know only about a beer/hour.

Finally I made it back out today. I was told I had to work if I wanted any more beer.

I made friends!

Now I'm all juiced up and ready to go for next week. Could someone please tell my caretakers that I suck at chores/work?!? I'd rather just have some purple drank and wake up for the next game. 

Hump ya later,

Denver

Tami

You’re Welcome.- Hardons

Didn’t I tell you I'd do it, that this would happen? Women. Tons of them. Hungry. Disheveled. Unkempt. Walking around. Holding things up. Flexing their vocal chords. Some of them wearing makeup; most not. Some of them dressed nicely; most wearing hiking boots and shirts with happy stick figures. All of them getting much-needed exercise for yours truly: me.

I think it’s clear- I’m the most eligible and sought-after man in America, my America. And women know it. They’re out in the streets, the most grabbable of places to locate one’s self. They’re worried that there’s only one of me, only one truly great enough to satisfy whatever it is those tiny brains want. Probably cheese. Am I cheese? I’m the head cheese. Super cheesy. Like sharp cheddar- and orange to boot!

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, they want what the most nimble of hands can do. Not those stubby, calloused, veiny hands of those mouth breathers, but the hands of a genius. Like raccoon hands with thumbs that get all the hard-to-reach places. The G-spot: located cleverly between the F-spot and the H-spot. Can’t find it? Carpet bomb all 3 and find an Eastern European woman whose never heard of any of them. Satisfaction is a sliding scale and she’s gotta make weigh-ins!

Keep your business here and your dirty little mouths shut. And don’t even think about going to whichever bar you want. This is my kickball league and you will eat Toss’ floppy, fart-smelling pizza and like it! No parking? Get a driver and stop being poor! He can idle in front of Torchy’s and eat a bag of their overrated tacos- exactly how you’ll end up when you drunkenly take home whatever’s left lurking around the corn hole boards. Your breath smells like farts and their face looks like a butt. A match made in toilet heaven.

We got your money and you got a weak social circle so lube up and drink some Bud Light because it’s the best beer, I just had some, outstanding, great people, those Buds. And you’re gonna need it because you have the personality of a nasty woman scientist and should be locked up in a zoo. What else? Oh yeah, Toss has the best stuffed pretzels. Absolutely not made out of hobo dick cheese. That’s real cheese and you know it. The pretzels, not the hobo dicks. Go Pats!

Denver's Diary 1/18/17- Purplesaurus Rex

Dear diary, 

What a weekend! Extensive birthday celebrations were in full force! My liver hates me, per usual. 

Thankfully there aren't any incriminating photos of the debauchery.

Here's me and a couple of my teammates, who's birthdays we were celebrating at the fields.   

Sunday funday!  This is the direction you go when the bar runs out of bubbly. 

Luckily my friends are pretty cool and let me detox at their place for the week. All I had to do was help out with some cooking. 

Never mind the fact that they made me eat veggies, not my favorite. 

Made some new friends. Sparkly and delicious bitches, just like I like 'em. 

​

With all of the recent rain, it was easy to accomplish a low key week. Thankfully I was able to occupy myself with some coloring and light reading. 

Now, fingers crossed that the fields are playable for Thursday night games! 

​Until next week! Peace, Love and Dinos. 

xoxo,

Denver

#doublepoints – A Schoolyard Story- Hardons

Conflict erupted on the ClubWaka Austin Facebook group this week. It reminded me of a similar argument I witnessed 25 years ago on the playground at Thompson Elementary. Here is the schoolyard story....

--- Scene 1 ---

Four 3rd graders are hanging out in the center of the playground. This playground is vast with jungle gyms, teeter-totters, monkey bars, and tether ball on one end. The other end of the playground consists of slides and that spinny thing that makes you sick.

 

 Child 1: "Hey check this out! We are playing on the slides." Child 4: "Why are you playing on that side of the field, that is so last year." Child 2: "We don't like that side of the field because tetherball sucks!" Child 3: "But you should check out these slides, fun for everybody"

  

 Child 4: "What does this have to do with tether ball? This game is really fun and you guys are pretty good at tetherball" Child 1: "We just want to have fun." Child 2: "Ever since we started playing that kid that powerslams the ball, the game has lost it's fun. That kid is in the 5th grade should only play with the 5th graders. He does even join everybody when we play tag. He just plays tetherball."

 

Child 3: "Ya, he won't even play tag!" Child 2: "We used to have fun playing tetherball when everybody played tag also, but this year that 5th grader doesn't play tag so we won't play on that side of the field. Child 4: "I've seen you guys powerslam on people! Just because someone doesn't play tag doesn't make them lame. He likes tetherball, he practices tetherball, so he is going to be good at tetherball." Child 2: "It's not about winning at tetherball. He takes it too serious."

 

 Child 3: "Ya, we only get 30 minutes of recess, we are going to make our own fun playing tag. Plus, nobody is ever on that side of the field anymore. The teeter-totter is broken."

 

 Child 2: "Stop being hall monitor and telling us what to do!"

 

 Child 4: "I'm not a hall monitor anymore, I am telling you that you shouldn't play on that side of the field just because of tetherball." Child 1: "I don't appreciate being told what to fucking do! I'm sorry that I have powerslammed before. I try to tell people not to and explain that this is a 'Play' Ground."

 

 Child 4: "You cursed! I'm telling" --- End Scene 1 ----

--- Scene 2 ---

After child 4 tattled on the other students, the teacher spoke to each separately to discuss the argument. She then sat them down together to get to a resolution. Teacher: "I have listened to you all individually and I have done what I can to make the playground enjoyable for everybody. I tried to schedule your recess to not overlap with the 5th grade as often. We will have the new hall monitor make sure everybody gets equal play time with tetherball." Child 4: "They are just upset that they are losing. And think that if you play tetherball, you should play tag to be fun." Child 2: "How about we have different recess times for the 3rd graders and the 5th graders?"

 

Child 3: "But teacher..." Teacher: "No buts...I've done everything I can do. Quit being mean to the ex hall monitor." Child 3: "We don't have a problem with the hall monitor. We like the hall monitor. We just wanted people to join us on the slides." Child 4: "Sorry, I just want you to play with us on this side of the field." Child 1: "You should still come over and play on the slides. More space for activities."

 

--- End Scene 2 ---

Moral of the story:

No matter our age, we all act like children.

Schedule Explanation

You might be asking what the fuck is going on with the schedule. To that I say, watch your fucking language, there are kids around. Let’s get your brain meat warm so you can learn yourself some kickball ingenuity.

Origin story: A long long time ago in a gillis far away, there were two leagues. One was for the good teams, one was for the ….. other teams. This worked out greatish, actually terribly. The first thing that happened was that the “good” league had fewer teams who wanted to play in it. That’s no fun, so the league  (a partially owned subsidiary of GLOBOCHEM an explosives and surgery beverage firm) decided it would choose which teams would play in which league. This tyranny was met with an easily rigged, but popular effort for team captains to rank each other on play, musical taste, and effability. Mostly play though.  The big problem that some of us visionary heros saw was that teams change from season to season, and you would frequently have teams lose every game in the top division and win every game in the bottom. It was not fun to be on, or play against these teams.  What to do?

Manna: God bestows on but few the abilities necessary to address such a conflagration. Lucky are you, dear reader, lucky indeed. Through a quirk of mathematics, geometry, and to a lesser extent, black magic the leagues were united under the provision that teams would play other similarly skilled teams, with a few games sprinkled in for variety. Below is the format, where the rows and colums are the teams, grey squares are scheduled games between them, and the numbers in them are the relativistic mismatch of the teams. Higher numbers indicate bigger mismatches. We wanted to keep this number low. 

Now for the schedule, this is interesting, at least to me. I don’t have a mathematical proof to this effect, but I’m willing to bet a lot of money that there is only one way to ensure every team plays one game a week. AAAAAnnd we found it.

The numbers are the week the game takes place, and the final row is they bye week. As a coincidence of nature each bye week has just two teams off, and amazingly, they are always teams that play each other at some point during the season. After much thought and sacrificial burnings, we decided to throw in an extra game. The bye week games are just that.

For which fields and times, that was also done with a culturally progressive flourish

The Blowback: All great innovations are met with skepticism, luddites, and village people with torches. This is no different. I understand that some people will lose more games this way, but other will win more. As a matter of fact, I guarantee there will be the same number of wins as losses. I am THAT confident. As for “fairness” the only complaint is not with the schedule, but with the preseason rankings. Mind you, that burden was previously placed only on the middle 6 or so teams, now we all share it. But again, this system is BETTER for next seasons preseason rankings. It is much easier to tell which teams are how good when you can see their overall playing ability against a wider range.

Rankings: This will be the crowning achievement, and yet we have too little data to test the model. A form of power ranking similar to algorithms for college basketball is being used to determine team rank. This will be provided to all the captains hopefully in season, but more importantly, during the preseason rankings next season.

In conclusion: This is good. You are bad for not liking it. You should feel bad about feeling the way you do.

But seriously, I’d like to hear everyones thoughts. I really think this is a better way forward, but if you disagree, I really want to hear it. Thanks  -Ted

Denver's Diary 1/11/2017-Purplesaurus Rex

Dear diary, 

Mood? Apathetic.

Just kidding (sorry if you don't get the reference), after this week I feel like living life to the fullest. 

I started off being inspected by a furry thing for acceptance.

Shut up, it went great. He liked what these golden balls were cooking.

Next thing I know, I'm being thrown into a shower to take a selfie. A SELFIE. IN THE SHOWER?

Who the fuck does that.

Regardless, rowdy is as rowdy does and I got real wet with this one.

With my days numbered I knew there was only time to waste. 

Into the ether I went, amongst the brews of bros past.

'Be like Waldo," they said.

'It's going to be fun," they said.

Until next Thursday, mi amigos...

Love, 

Denver the gotdang Dinosaur

<3 Chelsea Levin

PICKS!

We're 1 week in and we already have some rivalries heating up! 

Thanks to Kia we've got some picks started. Lets see how he does... 

Game 1: Brown Guy vs Anustart. 
Anustart -3.5

Game 2: Slumpbusters vs mocking jay. 

Mocking jay -2.5

Game 3: Baller vs where my pitches at? 

Ballers -2.5

Game 4: Kickball massacre vs shit show. 

Shit show -4.5

Game 5: Teabaggers vs TNB. 

Teabaggers- 3.5

Game 6: Dragonmyballz vs SOPKITP. 

SOPKITP -3.5

Game 7: Fresh Bru vs LOKI. 

LOKI -2.5

Game 8: Shit show vs mocking jay. 

Mocking jay -8.5

RIVALRY OF THE WEEK! PurpleSaurus Rex vs Hardons. Tie

It'll be a wild and crazy game of who wore the best onesies. There might be some purple drank (we'll see), there may be some points scored, but we definitely know there will be some trash talking! Kia thinks we'll tie... I guess you can still tie at 0-0. This will definitely be one to watch, or just hang out near! 

Large Hardon Collider- 2017 New Years Resolutions

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Final Summer 2016 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - ↑1

Despite a little bird telling me that Finkick would be missing key players last week, they still managed a big win over FRESH BRU at the end of the season to take back the mountaintop.

2 - FRESH BRU - ↓1

Welcome to the top of the mountain folks! Time to earn this ranking tonight, but I think I might have this right.

3 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

You know, they're technically the #1 seed in the league. If anyone should be pissed about a ranking, it's these guys getting snubbed at #3 in the Power Poll of Just One Guy.

4-  Plan B - N/A

They've looked the strongest against the weakest, but what does it all mean Basil?

5 - Tight and Bright - N/A

In an amusing twist of fate, they are actually the #6 seed in the tournament

6 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↑1

The only team voted up from the lower conference with a win against a team that was already there.

6 - Sit On My Base - ↓1

Wind really got taken out of their sails with a losing record, and now they're playing below their level of ability. Next season's more balanced schedule should revitalize their battered spirits.

8 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A

Come back Seanathon.

9 - Brown Guys and Friends -  N/A

Not exactly the hot streak you'd hope to roll into the playoffs with, but they're primed.

10 - Pitches be Trippin' -  N/A

It wouldn't surprise me to learn that they've adopted Relax and Let It Happen's old pre-game cheer. "SHIT ON THEIR DREAMS!"

11 - At Least We're Having Fun - N/A

Worst parents ever. These two need to sit down and work out their differences so that they can provide a stable environment for their children, or WHO KNOWS how they'll turn out!

12 - Booooze on First! -  N/A

Clean win going into the playoffs, and if they can minimize mistakes they'll be dangerous.

13 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - ↑1

These sneaky sneaks are doing way better than anyone thought they would, but Pitches Be Trippin' wasn't having any of that.

14 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - ↑3

I'm going to choose to believe that they played their best game of the season to sneak by my Rex bretheren 4-3

15 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  ↓2

Looks like they're coming back down to earth a little bit =(

16 - Jacked to the Kicks - ↓1

This team is a party and a half, they're playing the right way even if it's not showing on the scoreboard. Fortunately they get a like-minded foe first round of the playoffs in PSR!

17 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - ↓1

Pretty sure I saw some of these folks bunting! Seriously though guys if you're interested in playing without bunts we DO have a NO BUNTING LEAGUE on Wednesday nights, it runs concurrent with the Thursday league! I hope you stay here though because you're awesome and I love you.

18 - Red Ball and V0dka - N/A

No matter what happens, they're still probably more attractive than any of the other teams in the league. 

Playoff Picks

A not-terrible week of 6-2-1 leaves me with a final percentage of .722, or as some may call it: God-like in my precognition. On to the playoffs!

Regular Season Record: 50-18-4 (.722)

CAPITAL PLAYOFF PICKS

Quarterfinal A: #1 The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs #8 Large Hardon Collider - Girth

The Tyrannical Tea Baggers -5.5

Quarterfinal B: #4 Plan B vs #5 Large Hardon Collider - Length

Plan B -4.5

Quarterfinal C: #2 Finkick Odair vs #7 Sit On My Base

Finkick Odair -6.5

Quarterfinal D: #3 FRESH BRU vs #6 Tight and Bright

FRESH BRU -3.5

Semifinal A: #1 The Tyrannical Tea baggers vs #4 Plan B

The Tyrannical Tea Baggers -2.5

Semifinal B: #2 Finkick Odair vs #3 FRESH BRU

FRESH BRU -.5

Championship: #1 The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs #3 FRESH BRU

Dear God please let this be how it shakes out, I really don't want to put another friggin Hunger Games pun on the trophy. FRESH BRU seems to be getting better every year but the Tea Baggers are their strongest iteration in years it seems like (when they're playing up to their potential). I may be picking with my heart here, but I want the new blood to taste ultimate victory!
FRESH BRU -1.5

MUSIC PLAYOFF PICKS

Play-In A: #8 PurpleSaurus Rex vs #9 Jacked to the Kicks

PurpleSaurus Rex -1.5

Play-In B: #7 Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt vs #10 Red Ball and Vodka
Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt -3.5

Quarterfinal A: #1 Pitches Be Trippin' vs #8 PurpleSaurus Rex

Pitches Be Trippin' -4.5

Quarterfinal B: #4 Booooze On First! vs #5 Do You Even Kick, Bro?

Booooze On First! -3.5

Quarterfinal C: #2 Brown Guy and Friends vs #7 Sons of Pitches Kickin' the Punt

Brown Guy and Friends -9.5

Quarterfinal D: #3 At Least We're Having Fun vs #6 Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names

At Least We're Having Fun -3.5

Semifinal A: #1 Pitches Be Trippin' vs #4 Booooze On First!
Pitches Be Trippin -3.5

Semifinal B: #2 Brown Guy and Friends vs #3 At Least We're Having Fun

Brown Guy and Friends -2.5

Championship: #1 Pitches Be Trippin' vs #2 Brown Guy and Friends

They've clearly established themselves as the class of the conference, but it remains to be seen exactly what it looks like when both teams are actually going full tilt for the W. With no auto-promotion to an upper conference on the line you can bet they won't be holding back, which I believe tilts the balance in favor of Brown Guy and his cohorts. Pitches has faded down the stretch with what seems like lackluster attendance from key players, but could return to form in the playoffs. Still...

Brown Guy and Friends -1.5