Week 2 Picks

Came out of the gate with a homer pick, a surprising new team, and a new look Capital team tripping up my picks, but .666 isn't bad!

Regular Season Record: 6-3-0 (.666)

THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: FRESH BRU vs Finkick Odair
Finkick Odair -1.5

Game 2: Large Hardon Collider - Girth vs Plan B
Plan B -3.5

Game 3: Booooze On First! vs Brown Guy and Friends
Booooze On First -1.5

Game 4: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Jacked to the Kicks
Jacked to the Kicks -2.5

Game 5: Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names vs Pitches Be Trippin'
Pitches Be Trippin' -2.5

Game 6: Tight and Bright vs Sit On My Base
Tight and Bright -3.5

Game 7: The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs Large Hardon Collider - Length
Teabaggers -5.5

Game 8: Sons of Pitches Kikin the Punt vs At Least We're Having Fun
At Least We're Having Fun -4.5

Game of the Week: PurpleSaurus Rex vs Red Ball and V0dka
Caitlin has arbitrarily decided the outcome of this game with no regard for what actually happens on the field. In a total coincidence, her team wins.
Reb Ball and V0dka -4.5

PurpleSaurus Rex

Apparently you jack-holes didn't get the memo about PurpleSaurus Rex being the apex predator of the TX Live ecosystem, because Pitches be Trippin' quite RUDELY scored 11 runs on us without spotting us a single score.

There's a silver lining though y'all. Predicting our misfortune, Booooze on First! asked five of their women to not attend last week's game, causing them to forfeit and take negative points in the standings. Thanks to their selfless sacrifice, PurpleSaurus Rex is

NOT LAST PLACE!
NOT LAST PLACE!
EVERYTHING'S A CHANT!

If you haven't met Denver the Dinosaur, here he is looking fly in all his PurpleSaurus Swag:

Denver only fucks winners, so he goes home with the MVP of the game each week and does cool dinosaur shit with them all week. Our week 1 MVP Alan Butters took Denver to the woodshop where he helped cut, glue, clamp, and plane some butcher block!

Look forward to more adventures of Denver! Also I'll be introducing the team with their official PurpleSaurus Rex trading cards of the course of the season. This week? PurpleSaurus Rex founder and yours truly: Stephen Moursund, and our intrepid captain Ashley Compton!

I'd like to predict a win this week but our quarterback is dealing with a fractured vertebrae and we have a rookie starting, so we're just going to have to hope for the best.

Love,
PurpleSaurus Rex

Large Hardon Collider - Length

Hardon Haiku

music butts too loose
capital might be better
much too tight poop chutes :(

Welcome to the GMOT

Welcome to the Ghost Man on Third blog! Here you will find all manner of high end prose and poetry, incisive and in-depth journalism, and poignant art (often of the meme and .gif genre). It is a repository of WAKA love, knowledge, memories, and above all trash talk.

Each week will see the posting of two permanent columns: the Weekly Picks and Power Rankings. Also included each week will be the contents of any message sent to waka.gmot@gmail.com, be it a breakdown of your previous victory, a call out of your next victim, the relating of a beautiful tale of kickball love, awkward pictures of the league coordinator, or anything else your minds can imagine.

As a public service to the league, contributions to the blog will be rewarded with one social point added to your tally for the week, bringing you one step closer to the glory of the Party Belt. Participation is entirely voluntary, but all the cool kids are doing it so don't be an L7 weenie.

I look forward to dazzling you with my incredible precognition in the picks and power rankings, and am even more excited to see the league generated content that I know will flow into my inbox like the cool refreshing waters of a mountain stream.

Love,
Stephen

PurpleSaurus Rex Returns

One could be forgiven for thinking that some sort of enormous meteor strike had lead to the mass extinction of PurpleSaurus Rex, after all we haven't been seen since the Spring of 2015 when Papa Purple departed for paternity leave, but rumors of our demise have been drastically overstated. After a reunion tournament at Keep WAKA Weird Weekend we've returned en force to once again rule over all we survey, the tyrant lizard kings of TX Live! Tonight marks a PurpleSplosion of dino glitter (purple glitter is actually PurpleSaurus semen, it's how we procreate), inflatable creatures of ancient might, and really aggressive party punch.

You're all invited to be bold and introduce yourselves (if we dont just glitter bomb/dry hump/shred your flesh with our mighty claws and devour your glittering entrails first) or simply bask in the glory of our presence.

A team 65 million years in the making.

TX Live Spring 2016 Survey Responses

Hey Folks! You had concerns, I'm addressing them here! The following are direct quotations from last season's end of season survey in bold, with my comments below them.

"I love Gillis but the fields need repair. Especially the field with the backstop. Also, field lines are worth it."
You're right, they do need repair! Unfortunately the parks department has limited resources that can be directed toward neighborhood park maintenance beyond routine mowing and keeping the lights on, so it's time we took matters into our own hands. That's why next Sunday we're going to Make Gillis Great Again! If you're interested in helping improve the quality of our playing surface and home, please join us. CLUBWAKA will be providing soil and all the tools I have in my backyard, but shovels, rakes, and bodies are all needed.

"Don't force teams to move to the upper league unless they are really good." "Why have relegation/promotion? Have a council of refs/captains that decide if a team should or shouldn't be promoted."
Our conference system is something I've been tweaking since 2011, and the current format has provided by far the best parity we've ever had. Promotion/relegation combined with captains' rankings to determine those best suited to what conference protects against several natural tendencies of having competitive teams:

1. A few teams establish themselves as a step ahead of the rest competitively.
2. The gap gets bigger due to the most competitive players wanting to play on the teams most likely to win.
3. Good teams that just have no shot drop down to the less competitive conference for a better chance at a 'ship.
4. End result: 2-3 ultra competitive teams that nobody wants to play against, and a "fun" conference that actually has 5 really good teams that curb stomp newbies and turn everyone off to the game.

By promoting the Music conference champion and voting to fill any empty spots in the Capital conference, good teams sandbagging into a less competitive environment for a better chance to win is prevented and everyone in the Music conference has a better time. In the Capital conference, we have a broader range of teams and new faces every season that keeps things from getting stale and nasty. Relegation protects teams who are outclassed in Capital by ensuring them a trip to Music the following season. The system isn't perfect of course, but it's the best I've seen!

"We need a new bar! The same bar EVERY season is getting old. Let's switch it up, if possible."  "Consider Toss Pizza for next bar sponsor."

You wanted it, I made it happen. You're welcome. Here are the DETAILS! 

"Better bar games, bar games this season were mostly dumb."

This is a subjective assessment that many people may disagree with, but it brings up a really good question. Why don't we play beer pong? Flip cup? Quarters? The answer is pretty simple: the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission forbids it. I actually contacted them back in 2015 asking for clarification and was told that section 45.103 of the Texas Administrative Code (specifically article C 10) has been interpreted to disallow drinking games. This, of course, is a TOTALY HORSESHIT interpretation that they pulled out of their asses, but it doesn't change the fact that the TABC will go after the license holder if they permit drinking games to take place on the premises, which is why it's categorically disallowed by any establishment interested in not being fined / losing their license.

As to the party games that we do play, the silly minute-to-win-it style competitions are supposed to be dumb. They're ridiculous in order to loosen you up and get you out of your comfort zone and interacting with players from other teams, which is why they count for "social" points!

TX Live Week 1 Picks

Welcome back to another season of Stephen not using any sort of advanced analytics, rhyme, or real reason at all and making controversial picks and setting arbitrary lines for games. Remember, CLUBWAKA does not endorse sports betting or gambling in any fashion, but if Justin gets out that green plastic visor y'all better let me know so I can hit the ATM.

Regular Season Record: 0-0-0 (.000)

THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Large Hardon Collider Length vs TBD-Cumming Soon
LHC -1.5

Game 2: At Least We're Having Fun vs Booooze On First!
At Least We're Having Fun -3.5

Game 3: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Brown Guy and Friends
Brown Guy and Friends -1.5

Game 4: Jacked to the Kicks vs Kickin' Grass & Takin' Names
Jacked to the Kicks -3.5

Game 5: Large Hardon Collider Girth vs Tight and Bright
Tight and Bright -2.5

Game 6: Pitches Be Trippin' vs PurpleSaurus Rex
PurpleSaurus Rex -6.5

Game 7: Red Ball and V0dka vs Sons of Pitches Kickin the Punt
Red Ball -3.5

Game 8: Plan B vs Finkick Odair
Finkick Odair -2.5

Game of the Week: The Tyrannical Tea Baggers vs FRESH BRU
Talk about a grudge match! Tea Baggers are NOT accustomed to being eliminated in the quarterfinals, in fact I can't recall the last time it happened. Watching those guys walk off the field after FRESH BRU's go-ahead inning was like watching the Mariners walk off the field after THIS HAPPENED last night. They're gonna come out firing hard, but FRESH BRU ain't no rookie bitch anymore. I couldn't be MORE EXCITED about a week one game, which is probably why I scheduled it.
FRESH BRU -.5

TX Live Week 1 Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Finkick Odair - N/A

Another 'ship, another seasons starting at the top of the standings.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

Picked up some key players that should be welcome additions, but there may be an adjustment period.

3 -  Plan B - N/A

The next edition of $hit Circu$ is cracking the top 3 for the first time after going to the Capital final last season.

4 - FRESH BRU - N/A

Breakout performance in the Spring post-season where they knocked off the Teabaggers in the quarters, and they'll be looking to build on that for another run.

5 - Tight and Bright - N/A

Welcome back to the show! After several seasons off they've decided to quit mucking about with name changes and call it what it is: the one and only TNB.

6 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A

No idea what exactly to expect from this crew but with an infusion of talent from the Alcaballics they could definitely surprise people/

7- Large Hardon Collider - Length - N/A

Probably the most free agents I've ever put on a Capital team, but sheer gumption will likely win them a couple of games.

8 - TBD-Cumming Soon - N/A

Word on the street is that the leading candidate for actually naming this team is "Sit On My Base", which is my favorite punny name (if you have to have a punny name).

9 - At Least We're Having Fun - Girth - N/A

Stole a few up in capital, but not enough to avoid relegation. Should be immediate contenders in Music.

10 - Red Ball and V0dka - N/A

Barely avoided being bumped up to capital, and while their defense is reliably stalwart this crew seems to have trouble scoring runs and wins a lot of 1 run games. Still a threat in a theoretically weaker conference this season.

11 - Booooze on First! -  N/A

Our top ranked team coming over from Wednesday, they'll be adjusting to bunting and may take a while to acclimate.

12 - Pitches be Trippin' -  N/A

Scott has finally embraced the heritage of the team name after letting another team adopt it last season, and while they should be solid on paper they were ravaged by off-season injuries.

13 - Brown Guys and Friends -  N/A

As of last season this team officially loosened up and decided to play the everyone wins game that features an active flip cup table and strong bar presence. Me likey.

14 - Do You Even Kick Bro? - N/A

Had to take a few free agents to make the squad happen this season, which just means I'm jealous of the people whose first CLUBWAKA experience will be on this always-fun team.

15 - PurpleSaurus Rex -  N/A

The brand is back after a Keep WAKA Weird Weekend outing reinvigorated the dino lovefest. All the competitive players have jumped ship so this will likely be the total shitshow team of years past.

16 - Jacked to the Kicks - N/A

Another Wednesday transplant, I have little to know knowledge of their game but look forward to learning more!

17 - Kickin' Grass and Takin' Names - N/A

A new crew that has totally maxed out their roster with 26 players. Don't expect much in the early weeks until they learn the ropes, but I have high hopes for a team that likes to party.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A

My favorite and most reliably ranked team in the league.

Playoff Picks

Finish the season a hair under .700, once again failing to hit my arbitrarily set goal for the season. And I was doing so well! Now for the real shit: PLAYOFF PICKS!

Regular Season Record: 39-15-7 (.696)

CAPITAL BRACKET

Ro8 1: Caesar Kickerman vs At Least We're Having Fun
Caesar Kickerman -5.5

Ro8 2: A Nu Start vs Slumpbusters
Slumpbusters -3.5

Ro8 3: They Tyrannical Teabaggers vs Fresh Bru
Teabaggers -4.5

Ro8 4: $hit Circu$ vs The Legendary Red Rockets
$hit Circu$ -2.5

Semifinal 1: Caesar Kickerman vs Slumpbusters
Caesar Kickerman -2.5 

Semifinal 2: The Tyrannical Teabaggers vs $hit Circu$
The Tyrannical Teabaggers -1.5

Capital Championship: Caesar Kickerman vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
It may be the boring and expected championship matchup pick, but it sure as hell seems to be the likely one in this field. Kickerman is looking towards Founders Cup with this roster, which leads me to believe they're going to be in championship form for this game.
Caesar Kickerman -2.5 

MUSIC BRACKET

Play-In 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Do You Even Kick, Bro?
Alcaballic Rex -3.5

Play-In 2: Blue Bandits vs Sons of Pitches Kickin' the Punt
Blue Bandits -2.5

Ro8 1: Large Hardon Collider - Girth vs Alcaballic Rex
Alcaballic Rex -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Ro8 2: Red Ball & Vodka vs Gary Kick Jr.
Gary Kick Jr -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Ro8 3: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Blue Bandits
Large Hardon Collider - Length -2.5

Ro8 4: Pitche$ B Trippin' vs Freeballers
Pitche$ B Trippin' -1.5

Semifinal 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Gary Kick Jr
Gary Kick Jr -1.5

Semifinal 2: Large Hardon Collider - Length vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ B Trippin -1.5 UPSET ALERT!

Music Championship: Gary Kick Jr. vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Everyone is all too aware of the promotion to the Capital conference that comes with a Music title, which accounts for many of the upsets seen in this bracket: managerial decisions to play sub-optimal lineups in order to have a good time but not go all the way. The team with the most pride goes the furthest! After PBT got spanked last week I predict they'll be unable to "turn it off" and go full bore to the title, consequences be damned. Gary Kick Jr. is one of those teams that gets crippled by one or two errors all too often, and I see the same thing happening in the final.
Pitche$ B Trippin' -1.5

Final Power Rankings

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A

Literally doubled their runs scored for the season in their last game.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

Winning the ones that count, even if it actually kind of hurt them with the way the bracket shook out!

3 - Slumpbusters - N/A

They end up with the five seed, which puts them in the same position as last season of having to go through the champs in the semifinals in order to win the tourney.

4 - $hit Circu$ - N/A

Charged up the standings late to secure the 3 seed and get on the (presumably) easier track to the 'ship.

5 - A Nu Start - N/A

I think they got some of the terrible play out of their system last week, which is good because they're going to need to be overachieving to advance: their first round opponent Slumpbusters are definitely better than their #5 seed indicates.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A

They had no idea everyone makes the playoffs and assumed they wouldn't make the cut. I may have to pick them to upset a high seed just for giggles. Spoiler!

7- At Least We're Having Fun - N/A

There are teams in this conference they can hang with, and teams in this conference that they can't hang with. Last week they ran up against the latter, and unfortunately they face the 1 seed in the first round.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - N/A

Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?

9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - N/A

Finishing strong, clearly in control.

10 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↑2

Completely dismantled Pitches be Trippin early, and then cruised through a clean error-free game for an easy win.

11 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1

Didn't look good in an ugly loss, but it was very much an outlier based on the rest of the season.

12 - Blue Bandits - ↑3

Look at these guys! Charging back into relevance.

13 - Alcaballic Rex - ↓1

Two steps forward, one step back will still eventually get you to the top right?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - N/A

No shame in losing to the best team in the conference.

15 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓4

A precipitous drop in quality games here, 13 runs allowed to the last place team?

16 - Freeballers - N/A

For all their trouble they get a first round bye and then a matchup with my pack of delinquents to kick off the second day of playoffs.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - N/A

Really couldn't find a more difficult spot in the bracket to be in.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A

Finished the season hot! They go up against the surging Blue Bandits in the first round though.

TX Live Week 9 Picks

Back under .700 after a week of two ties, missing on an upset I picked, and two upsets I didn't see coming. CURSES! These are your last regular season picks!

Regular Season Record: 33-12-7 (675)

THIS WEEK'S PICKS

Game 1: Alcaballic Rex vs Blue Bandits
Alcaballic Rex -2.5

Game 2: At Least We're Having Fun vs Caesar Kickerman
Kickerman -5.5

Game 3: Do You Even Kick, Bro? vs Freeballers
Freeballers -1.5

Game 4: Fresh Bru vs Legendary Red Rockets
Fresh Bru -1.5

Game 5: Gary Kick Jr vs LHC Girth
LHC -2.5

Game 6: Slumpbuster vs The Tyrannical Teabaggers
Teabaggers -1.5

Game 7: LHC Length vs Pitche$ B Trippin'
Pitche$ -1.5

Game 8: Red Ball and V0dka vs Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt
Red Ball -4.5

Game of the Week: $hit Circus vs A Nu Start
This is a sneakily big game for the Circus. Due to a week 2 forfeit from the Slumpbusters they have a good chance of sneaking in at the three seed and staying away from Kickerman until the Final, and have been paying more attention to the standings than any team ever (otherwise I wouldn't know about this). ANUSTART had a down week last week but tends to play up when challenged to do so, so as usual this game is going to come down to errors. If the Tarts don't go on tilt they can be more consistent, but the Circus seems to have more speed and savvy.
$hit Circu$ -1.5

TX Live Power Rankings - Week 9

Rank - Team - Δ - Summary

1 - Caesar Kickerman - N/A

Played big in a big game, and hold on to the top spot.

2 - The Tyrannical Tea Baggers - N/A

Keeping up with their latest trend of just being playground bullies, they win 16-3 over the Rockets.

3 - Slumpbusters - N/A

Well fought game, but came up short. (This did not change from last week, still true).

4 - $hit Circu$ - ↑1

Gettin er done and has a legitimate shot to go into the playoffs well positioned for the tournament.

5 - A Nu Start - ↓1

I'm starting to think these guys play to the level of their opponents, be that up or down.

6 - Fresh Bru - N/A

We may have found the right ranking for this group.

7- At Least We're Having Fun - ↑1

Big game last week and almost pulled off the big upset, they still get props.

8 - Legendary Red Rockets - ↓1

Still at the field playing barefoot pickup when I left at around 11, so maybe they should swap names with #7?

9 - Large Hardon Collider - Girth - ↑2

The only team in the conference truly rolling with the Pitches faltering last week.

10 - Pitche$ B Trippin' - ↓1

Ran up against a truly solid defensive team and couldn't get late runs to seal the deal.

11 - Red Ball and V0dka - ↓1

I know they had an offense around here somewhere...

12 - Alcaballic Rex - ↑2

Coming on strong in the late season and getting back into form.

13 - Large Hardon Collider - Length - ↓1

The torch has truly been passed. Maybe girth really is better than length?

14 - Gary Kick Jr - ↑1

Two really strong games, putting them solidly middle of the pack.

15 - Blue Bandits - ↑2

Pulling off the comeback after being down 6 runs in the 4th would have been amazing, but they couldn't quite finish.

16 - Freeballers - ↓2

Well that's what happens when I pick a dark horse I guess.

17 - Do You Even Kick, Bro? - ↓1

They need to hit the gym and kick some more.

18 - Sons of Pitches Kickin The Punt - N/A

For justice!

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

LHC Girth: House of Coreys

He was a Corey fan at heart, its clear

He searched and found a Corey hair

He spent 10 long years and built a cloning machine

And now he’s accomplished his wonderful dream

To make a house of Coreys

Its a House of Coreys

Corey #16: Token Corey

He only reads his own literature and comes up with all his own sex moves.

Corey #15: Female Mason Corey

The name is insulting enough.

Corey #14: Clipboard Corey

Actually shows up and is fun.  Fails to set an example for this group.

Corey #13: Invisible Corey

She’s all around you.  Just kidding, she’s inside you.  In your butt.  Your butthole.

Corey #12: Goatee Corey

It’s like sitting on a guinea pig.

Corey #11: Blonde Corey

Blonde.

Corey #10: Psyche Corey

Get analyzed and figure out the dreams about your mother fellating a lawn dart.

Corey #9: Hispanic Corey

Spicy and absentee.  Classic.

Corey #8: San Antonio Corey

Tuberculosis free since 2016.

Corey #7: Curious Corey

She wants to get in all your nooks and crannies.  Because she’s curious, you see.

Corey #6: Hat Corey

Who is this guy?

Corey #5: Coreyette

She does basically all Corey stuff, but she’s a girl so it’s socially acceptable.

Corey #4: Creatine Corey

Get blasted in the mouth.

Corey #3: Face Plant Corey

Enjoys drinking in moderation.

Corey #2: Caveman Corey

Hairy, aggressive, and territorial.

Corey #1: Chameleon Corey

Easily Blends in with his surroundings and is often mistaken for Corey #16.

Large Hardon Collider - Girth

I'm here to make a public service announcement! 

Is pokemon go affecting your life negatively? 

Are you:

- Addicted

- Feel like your entire day is being consumed by catching little animated non-existent creatures

- Losing touch with all of your friends

- Stopping in the middle of the street to collect said creatures

- Running across dead bodies 

- Getting mugged by teens

- SIngle

- A Male

- Grant Larsen

If you answered yes to any of these, then you have a serious problem. But fear not because I have the remedy for you.

Nick Offerman's 5 rules for being a male:

1. Take a bite of steak

2. Wash it down with some whiskey, preferably single malt scotch

3. Find a socialist and punch him in the face

4. Hand craft a small wooden boat (out of cedar preferably... obviously)

5. Make love to a partner of your choice (preferably someone who is accepting of your advances) and upon climax, withdraw your firearm and unload some rounds, laced with double entendre, into the night sky.

If you are a woman, disregard this message. You are allowed to play pokemon go.

Love,

Mason Heath