Dillon Panthers

PurpleSaurus Rex!

PurpleSaurus is straight up on a roll heading into the end of the season, charging up the standings and finally putting up the numbers we always knew we were capable of.  Is this primarily due to the return of certain parties from the PUP list? Not my place to say, but we're heading into the playoffs with a swagger not seen since the days of ... ever for this band of misfits.

Perhaps it simply took this long for us to build up a sufficient tolerance to the sweet sweet poison that fills that blue jug of death every week, but I 100% stand by the decision to have completely wrecked my productivity for the last 10 Fridays with debilitating Kool-Aid induced hangovers. The juice no longer impairs us, it FUELS us! We derive our power from the Kool-Aid, and the Kool-Aid rewards those who put their faith in it.

Last week was a game that almost didn't happen, but fun was snatched from the jaws of disappointment as Team Easier faced the Purple in a game short-handed on both sides. Little did we know the poor souls were playing sober, but that shortcoming was quickly remedied following our post-game tunnel of perpetual celebration. The pink and purple bled together and for a few glorious hours we became ... light purple. Or something. I'll work on that. Magenta?

Tonight will see another unlikely combination of players on the field, as an entirely different half of our roster will be out for office holiday parties, but the power of the purple is like Mjolner: whosoever wears the purple, be they worthy, shall posses the power of PurpleSaurus Rex. Every member of the squad has demonstrated their worthiness through some facet of their person, be it sparkling athleticism, unabashed alcoholism, belligerent douchebaggery, general tomfoolery, or raw sex appeal.

The last victim to be crushed beneath the PurpleSaurus regular season steamroller tonight is Just Kickin It. There are few things that are sure in this world, but these are a few of them: Santa is real, Tim Tebow cannot be stopped, the ginger seal is an abomination and we should not meddle in matters that nature has already sorted out, and PurpleSaurus Rex will win this game.

Rawr,

Stephen

Walk of Shame™

People keep coming up to me asking how we feel about the loss to Teabaggers this week... A game that we were ahead in most of the way until we gave it away... I couldn't quite articulate how I felt without approaching an assault charge... So I'm just going to let Dennis Green tell you folks, dead on, how the Walks felt about losing to Teabaggers this week...

Instead of playing this week, we are off to party with the other 3 cool kids in Capital. We'll drink our sorrows away with rapists, pedofiles, and sexual deviants. You can probably guess which teams we're talking about. We'll see you next weekend

Relax and Let it Happen

What do dynasties do? They dominate, take no prisoners and dance on their opponents' kickball graves. Yeah everyone knows that. But HOW do they continue to stay on top for so long, even after people think they have figured them out? They evolve. They make adjustments. Changes. To the naked eye it all looks the same, but that's because the changes are subtle. Relax was at a point where we don't find ourselves that much. We tied two games in a row. We didn't panic like some teams would, we buckled down, made some small changes and then took it out those pervy  pervs from Candy Van. 

They pulled up in their shady van with no windows. They told us it was full of candy, and we actually took the bait. But when we hopped into the van WE were the one pulling the Sandusky. Too soon? Probably. We did a bernie FINE job at jumping on Candy Van early and keeping them down. I won't say they lost their cool when we went up 2-0 in the first inning, but I will say that they started to screw the pooch. Which, ultimately is the same thing. 

Now we have the playoffs and I'm sure we'll see them again. It'll be cold out there, but we'll heat it up. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen. 

PurpleSaurus Rex!

PurpleSaurus is currently in the midst of an identity crisis. Are we dinosaurs or are we Kool Aid spokespeople?

Are we men or are we muppets?

Are we human or are we dancer?

Whatever we are, we're apparently all to GD popular because people's social schedules have just been FAR to crowded for kickball as the holidays near. I've gotten weak excuses like "I'm out of town for work", "I got hit by a car while riding my bike", "My grandparents are in town for my graduation", "I'm not on your team", "I'm not legally allowed to be within 100 ft of the punch you make", and other less-than-valid reasons for failing to appear at Gillis ready to ball. Regardless of who shows up, we'll put a team together and dominate.

Is it 80s prom time yet? I'm unreasonably excited.

Love,
Stephen

Dillon Panthers

As our regular season wraps up this evening, the Dillon Panthers are bummed that kickball is on hiatus until February.  We had all kinds of ideas for sprucing things up in our Second Season.  We thought maybe the promise we showed in Season 1 would allow us to bring in a more established player to boost our offense like when Parks & Rec got Rob Lowe and the guy from Piranha 3-D (underrated movie if you ask me).  We also JUST figured out that sliding in Gettis park is almost never a good idea and that bunting isn't quite the offensive fix-all we had originally hoped.

We also learned important things about ourselves.  Win or lose, we don't want to do it by more than 2 runs, and the only thing worse than losing is losing when the other team scores all of their runs on one play.  We learned who is punctual (Ashley and DJ), and who is not (Carrie, Jamie, and Reed). We learned that Jonathan and Helen basically just signed up for the cool Waka T-shirts.  Hopefully we did not learn that this $100 bar-tab for writing weekly GMOT posts was a trick they play on new teams to make all the posts.

Either way, we had a great time in the regular season, and after we win tonight and clinch our spot in the Winner's Bracket, we plan to have a great time through a couple rounds of the playoffs.  Or not.

As Coach Taylor would say, "What the hell, you want a hug or something? Get out of here." C.E.F.H.C.L.

Candy Van

Look, folks: I'm going to get real serious up in this GMOT entry. Tonight, Candy Van has the chance to clinch their first ever regular season title. A guaranteed good game full of trash-talk and drunken athleticism. And we couldn't be more excited about it. So excited, that we kind of feel like Peter Pan in the movie Hook. You know, we're the familiar hero (full of veterans) that everyone is excited to see, but Rufio (Relax) is not all about losing their power over the camp. Fights will ensue (drinks will be drank), sides will be chosen, but in the end, Rufio will realize that he needs to align with Pan if he wants to survive. We're pretty sure Relax won't die in the end like Rufio, but we're not fortune tellers. Field 1. 8 p.m. Candy Van v. Relax and Let it Happen. Damn good kickball with a bunch of crazy drunks. BANGARANG!!!!!!

Better Red Balls than Blue Balls

It's been an interesting season for Better Red than Blue Balls. After starting with back-to-back shutouts and a #2 ranking in the Live Standings, we let the success get to our heads and we slacked off. We went from a high-protein, low-carb diet plan to $3.99 Prime Rib specials at Expose; from wind-sprints to lines in a Chevron bathroom with our hobo friend Casper. The only physical exercise we've gotten in the past six weeks was from the transportation and disposal of that hook—err... All we're saying is that if one, hypothetically speaking, were to accidentally come upon a deceased lady of the night and wish to give her a proper burial... I've said too much. Just know that the low water levels in Town Lake aren't doing anyone any favors. Getting back to kickball (hell of a segue), we slacked off and now sit at a bland 3-3 record. The most telling statistic is that in our three losses, we've scored a grand total of 1 run. The good news is that we've never given up more than two runs in any game, so should we ever figure out this whole offense thing (defense wins championships is obviously a lie), we might be a team worth paying attention to. If anyone has recommendations for increasing runs, we're all ears. We've tried the whole horse steroids route, but that doesn't react well with our pitcher's STD medication (guess which one in the comments and win a beer!) Is the secret squats? Because I don't think I can do those on my Bowflex. After a bye week and Thanksgiving, it'll be a nice return to kickball as this week, in a battle for mediocrity, we play Just Kickin' It (who are also 3-3). We've both lost to Balls Deep and beaten Balls & Dolls this season, so there's no real takeaway from the shared schedules; we're just hoping for a good game, a victory for the good guys and copious amounts of drinking.

Dillon Panthers

So I was trying to think of GMOT material for this week, and I thought maybe a post on the history of kickball would be informative material to give the League.  So, like any good law student, I hopped on Wikipedia as the beginning and end of my research.  What I discovered was somewhat disturbing.  Kickball, invented in 1917 by gym coach Nicholas C. Seus (great uncle of the famous children’s book author*) was designed in order to help young people learn the basics of...... baseball.

You read that right.  Kickball, a fun, fast-paced, social, game of champions was invented to facilitate the rise to dominance of America’s most boring and competitively imbalanced sport.  I sort of always assumed it was the other way around.  For those not totally appalled by this revelation, here are a few quick reasons kickball is better than baseball:

1.   Boston Red Sox pitchers (who weren’t even pitching that day!) got criticized for drinking in the clubhouse.  “Field beers” are encouraged in kickball.

2.  Baseball spreads 54 outs over a three hour game.  That’s one play every 3 1/3 minutes. Can you imagine if something only happened in football or basketball every 3 1/3 innings?  People would freak out.  How does baseball get away with this!  The Dillon Panthers would be embarrassed to spend 3 1/3 minutes in the field for an entire inning.

3.  Baseball has jerks like Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, John Rocker, and Alex Rodriguez.  The worst it gets in kickball is when somebody gets a little excited and argues a meaningless call or crowds people at the plate while they’re trying to hit.

4.  Baseball made Brad Pitt sad in that movie because it tricked him into not going to Stanford, and then they wouldn’t let his team win in the playoffs.  Kickball would never do that to Brad Pitt.

5.  Every baseball game is 20.2 times less important to your overall season winning percentage ((1/8)/(1/162)).  In fact, you could lose every game for like a month in baseball and still make the playoffs (the Astros exclusively do it this way).

6.  The best evidence that baseball is boring is that baseball movies usually only get made these days when implausible stuff happens to jazz up the plot.  Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Little Big League, Major League, Air Bud Seventh Inning Fetch... all entertaining baseball movies because implausible stuff happens.  Sure there are some exceptions, and they all star Kevin Costner or Dennis Quaid, but the good ones were made decades ago, when people had lower standards for entertainment.

7.  Baseball teams are named after things like non-predatory birds, colored socks, lame regions of the country, or people who came from the same sperm/egg combo.  Kickball team names are constantly updating to the times with clever commentaries on pop culture or puns on baseball terms.

I could go on, but I’m sure I’ve already exceeded the GMOT word count.  Speaking for the Dillon Panthers, which I am of questionable authority to do, I say it’s time to move kickball out of the shadows.  With the NBA lockout never-ending and baseball season (finally) over, it’s time kickball took it’s spot as one of America’s true big three sports.

*Not really.

C.E.F.H.C.L.

PurpleSaurus Rex

PurpleSaurus has had a rough season. Byes, weeks off, work conflicts, holidays, and general shenanigans make it feel like we haven't had two consecutive weeks of kickball the entire fall! That changes right ... wait what? No kickball next week for Thanksgiving? Well balls.

Regardless, the violet therapods pulled out a tie against a Capital team with half of their roster away in Tennessee and are back this week to show Pumped up Kicks the true meaning of loss and pain.

We've taken our time off to address our offensive shortcomings, and made a few important changes.

Yeah. Lasers. You're pretty much f***ed.

Love,
Stephen

CANDY VAN does it for the kids!!

CANDY VAN: Charity Style

When Candy Van does charity jello shots sales, we do it in the only way we know how: weird. So bring your dolla bills, because Captain VAG is not afraid to bully you into buying jello shots. I mean, it's for the kids! Who doesn't love kids? AMIRIGHT?

This week's jello shot buffet includes:
Cherry Watermelon
Pineapple Orange (with a hint of Cherry because we ran out of pineapple vodka)
Strawberry Pineapple Banana
Cherry Lime
DOUBLE Cherry
Lime

Happy drinking!

Awful Waffles

Another big win for the waffles last week...9-2 over sit on my base.  They're a good team with a really funny catcher with a phenomenal mustache.  You should check them out if you can.  It was a return to form though for us...giving up two runs and scoring a bunch of runs.  And our pitcher struck out a dude.  Swinging.  Might have broke his ankle, it was hard to tell, since it was getting dark.  

What's really fun about this week is that, for the first time this year, we have a game during the theme week.  We had byes during saved by the bell and Halloween and that sucked.  So we all have cowboys and Indians costumes of some sort, and they should be epic.  See ya there.  Oh yeah, and we play another good team this week.  But it should be more of the same for us.

with great tenderness,

awful waffles

FREE BEER!!

Did you know that EVERY week at Third Base we give out 2 pitchers of beer?!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! Show up this week to win the bar game and win your team 2 pitchers of beer!

AT THE BAR

Awful Waffles

So maybe we lost last week. Kick in a Box played well and we didn't score our usual 200 runs. It happens.  But no hassles... even though we far outmatched them on paper, that's why you play the game.  And honestly, I could see us getting a bit cocky out there. But after a week of soul searching we're back and ready to go stopwatches in hand!


Love,
awful waffles

Relax and Let it Happen

Last week we played the Teabaggers and for the first time in like a year they gave us a good game. Looks like all the times you spy on us and come watch our game has finally paid off. It ended in a 0-0 tie that went into extras and it was a fun game to play in. We couldn't bunt for shit off Justin who finally decided to be relevant in a kickball game by pitching the game of his life. Would he be able to do that on a field that had grass and doesn't go downhill? I don't think so, but that's for another day. It was an old fashion pitcher's duel with good pitching and even better defense to back it up. Barrett played as well as we've seen him play, his catching was absolutely impressive. Well done Teabaggers, well done!

Shout out to Andy for playing his first game. May your career be both fruitful and victorious.

This week we play BCBC and OMG did they get they get screwed for having to play us after a game that we didn't score any runs. I won't be there but I'll be sending some long distance "black up" from Minnesota. Until then, Relax and Let it Happen.

Candy VAN

These are the things that happened last week in our game: 
1. We stopped paying attention a few times and let 3 runs in. 
2. Our offense finally woke up and we put 9 or 10 runs on the board (We stopped counting). 
3. Dre got pissed off. 
4. Dre lost to a team captained by a girl, a feat he claimed would never happen. 
5. Dre earned the new nickname Captain Shambles. 
6. Tom and Valerie squatted and lunged at and around anyone who stood still long enough to allow it. (You're welcome, Alex!) 
7. Jay let his man crush on Tom show. 
8. Dre continued to be pissed off. 


This week we're playing Brown Chicken Brown Cow. We'll be themed out to the MAX and drinking more than we should for a team in Capital at a 6:15 game. So, you know, normal behavior for us. 


Pray tell, dear CV GMOT Author. what is this theme of which you speak? 
Oh, well, it's the best theme ever, of course: Drunk Injured Valerie. That's right: Candy Van will be honoring (is that the right word?) their captain by wearing bandages, braces, and a trucker hat and mumbling and stumbling around the fields/bars/life. Look for such classics as "Creepy humping motion and accompanying face" and "She can't make eye contact... is she okay?" Valerie has even promised to sport a cape just like old times. Who says you can't black out for a 6:15 game?

Relax and Let it Happen

Well as promised here is the picture of the winning pumpkins:




The one on the left is obviously your typical house design, executed nicely. Great carving ability but the creativity of having the template included in the box just doesn't do it for me. The one on the right is a personal favorite and obviously more creative. It is the seal of the mighty New Mexico Lobos. Some might argue that if you have to explain what it is, it's kind of like that halloween costume that only one person (the one wearing it) thought was awesome and to you, I say (in the most polite way possible) "Fuck You". Others might be saying "New Mexico Lobos? Aren't they the worst team in football right now?" well the answer to that would still be "Fuck You." buuuuuut you may have a point. Feel free to vote on your favorite pumpkin, as long as it's for the Lobo, otherwise shut your stupid face and keep your opinion to yourself.

Back to kickball this week, we play the Teabaggers. Should be a good Capital match up but in the end I think we know who will come out on top.

Love,
Relax

Hoeloween/Halloweek/Creepoween/Hallowheezy aka Best Holiday Ever

Last week, Halloweek, was a blast..I saw Snoop Dogg on top of all the holiday festivities. Epic! It was such a blast that yesterday, on the actual day, I went to sleep at 8 p.m. no joke. After 4 different costumes and 5 Halloween parties, I was officially exhausted. I saw so many great costumes last Thursday at kickball. Great job guys! Here are a few of my favorites:  

Kyle and Kyle

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle

I see you, shakin' that ass



Candyvan does the best creepy



Sour Patch Kids



So yeah, we are a bunch of weirdos and I love it. Things got a little out of hand at Ego's on Thursday. However, JB and I were totally on our guard and came up with the best roofie protection tower. It was complicated and obvious if you tried to touch it and remove the cups. I like to think of it as the roofie protection boobie trap. That's effing team work right there! The one below is also a contribution made by JB at our mid season party. He is really on his 'don't get roofied' game. Props dude...

Do not get near our drinks!



So excited to see yall Thursday. I can't believe it's November already. I forgot my interns birthday at work today...oops. But November seriously snuck up on us! Have a great day and see you Thursday for beautiful weather and great times at the field and third base. Pres out.

MM: 11-1-11



Dillon Panthers

The Dillon Panthers, full team name “The Dillon Panthers circa 2006,” are very confused by the previous GMOT post from our supposed rivals.  As everyone knows, East Dillon High School was disbanded decades ago due to poor educational quality and crumbling facilities.  Our only rival is Arnett Meade.  They vandalized our fieldhouse.

As to Tim Riggins being too drunk to save us, anyone who knows anything about Dillon knows that Tim Riggins is NEVER too drunk to do anything, but he is upset that you woke him up this early. Texas forever.  

Plus, Carrie “Smash” Winsett has been injecting steroids for weeks now to impress college scouts, so we’ve got that going for us.

We will admit to being embroiled in a bit of a pitching controversy between Justin “Voodoo” Morgan and DJ “7” Engle, but hopefully that will sort itself out in a pre-game speech or something.  It always does.

One thing we can agree with these “Lions” on, though, is that tonight would be a good night to get Tim-Riggins’-estranged-father drunk and hit some golf balls into pastures.

Anyway, these East Dillon Lions, whoever they are, are going down.  Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

East Dillon Lions

Due to the fact that PurpleSaurus Rex has temporarily (for the duration of you reading this blog post only) changed it's name to the East Dillon Lions, this has officially become RIVALRY WEEK!

I don't even know these Dillon Panther losers, but two consecutive bye weeks has got me missing kickball so much that I've built this game up in my head to the point where it can be nothing short of LEGEN...(wait for it)...DARY. I hear their coach is this cocksure young guy who pushed out Coach Taylor with some BS political maneuvering, just because he thought the head case freshman QB he'd been training should start instead of a real leader. What a dick! You're going down Dillon Panthers! Tim Riggins is too drunk to save you!

Can't wait to see my fellow Purplesaurs ... ahem ... Lions in their amazing halloween costumes, and look out for the debut appears of the Amazing Purple-Man! Halloweek is officially upon us, and there is no reason to do anything short of getting stupid tonight.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to get back to Googling pictures of Minka Kelly.

Love,
Stephen