Transverse Fracture of the Radius: A Love Story

If there's one thing you never want to see on a kickball field, it's an injury. Sadly, when you combine booze, a neighborhood park, a children's game, and a bunch of people who probably need to admit that they aren't in the same shape they were in college but will be DAMNED if they stop flying around like MLB players, you end up with a few bumps and bruises. And ACL tears. And bone lesions. A compound fracture or two. It's a brutal sport y'all.

Of course, the world is a dangerous place and the potential for injury is not just limited to the kickball field. As it turns out, if you try and take a work call on your cell phone while simultaneously riding your bicycle down Mary Street after leaving Corner Bar at 10:45, there's a very high probability that you will fall down and absolutely wreck your shit. SHOCKER, I know!

Such was the scene as I left the bar last night headed to Jake's car for a ride home. Smack in the middle of the road we've got a crumpled Jason Pilon lying next to his bicycle and clutching his forearm in pain. Super heartwarming to see a pair of complete strangers stop to help (I'm pretty sure they actually saw him eat it), but we assured these good samaritans that he was WAKA family and we'd be taking care of him.

Seeing an elite athlete like Jason injured is heartbreaking. It's like seeing a bird of paradise with its wings clipped. I mean look at this glorious bastard:

Ladies, take a moment to pull your panties up. I understand that they probably just dropped without you even realizing it.

A plan was immediately put into action to rescue and repair this glorious creature, and after an inexplicable attempt to fashion a splint out of some scrap cardboard and a couple of t-shirts, we got him over to the new Emergency Medical Clinic on S. Lamar and got acquainted with the staff as we settled in to set things right.

Now, Jason may be writhing in pain at this point, but that's not going to stop him from spitting game. While one of the med techs on duty was a grumpy crone that was not amused by us, Angela was a whole different story. Bedside manner for days y'all. Good looking blonde, great smile, and ready to pump delightful drugs all up in herr.

That's a connection y'all. She's only wearing gloves so that she won't be shocked by the electricity dancing between them. At first it was just sidelong glances and smiles, but once the morphine started flowing, the Jason game came alive and the compliments were plentiful. He asks for her number, she blushes and giggles, almost like she knows something we don't. A few milligrams later, there's a marriage proposal. I'm pretty sure he was only half kidding, you could see it in those starstruck eyes.

Brief aside, he really did break the shit out of his arm. Check this shit out:

Anyway, eventually Jason and Angela had to part ways. It was 3:30 in the morning, we had a vicodin prescription to fill and needed to get this guy to bed after Angela hooked him up with one last shot of morphine. A roadie, if you will. 

But the romance was not over. We're maybe two minutes out the door when Jason's phone lights up with an incoming text. Odd for almost four in the morning. I assumed that it was his drug addled brain just trying to make sense of the text through his shattered phone screen that gave him such pause, but then he passed the phone to me. Here's the text:

From: Angela Tinder

So, I don't suppose you've got a shattered phone screen and broken arm do you?

That's right, these star-crossed lovers had already connected on Tinder, exchanged phone numbers, and had some solid banter going before he ever walked into her clinic. Truly, this is destiny. Marveling at the wonder in the universe, we got Jason back home safe where I can only assume he popped a couple vikes and started sexting.

We're all anxiously awaiting the wedding invitations.

JASON + ANGELA 4 EVA

CANDY VAN - TX Live

Here's what I think about Ball So Hard: top notch humans. Originality of team name? Weak. Strength of mustaches? Depends on Rock's face. If it's anything like this rare photo, I would say he's probably getting at least 3 dudes pregnant this week:

Come on in; the water is fine.

After I created that picture and sent it out, I had a bit of a laughing fit at the reactions of those who were lucky enough to receive it in an email entitled "You're going to regret this." This was pretty much me:

In other news, Corey and I are back to being BFFs. We bonded during our horribly embarrassing 21-0 skunking at Bags (or Cornhole for you weirdos) at the Plant Your Flag party. Rekindling our friendship was a highlight of the night. Losing at Bags was not. 

We finally broke out our matching outfits, though.

I really have nothing else to say for this GMOT. I'm kind of just watching MacGyver and for some reason, I'm really craving some chocolate.

See you on the fields, cuties.

And Money Maker Mike.

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Oh man! Snappin’ Da Base got Skeet Skeeted last week! (Yeah took me, like, five minutes to think of that).

We started out strong and it seemed like we were all set to get our first notch in the win column, but alas, the Beast was not ready to be unleashed quite yet. But to watch victory get snatched away at the last second…well, you might understand if some of us got a bit emotional.

But it’s all good. This week we have another shot at victory as we go up against Dream Crushers. I’m gonna go ahead and throw down the gauntlet, and say that we’ll be the ones crushing dreams Wednesday night!

CANDY VAN - TX Live

I have some bad news, y'all: Corey and I broke up as BFFs. It will probably be awkward on the fields when we don't know if we should acknowledge that we saw each other or just act like the other person doesn't even exist. It's just part of being a preteen in America's 2014, I guess. Anyway, I'm on to bigger, redder things so don't even feel bad for me (pity him, though). That's right, Red Rockets: I'm looking at you in all your weirdly erect glory.

The Legendary Red Rockets are some of the best people I know. Each and every member of their team is a combination of Zoolander's really, really good looks, Hansel's carefree and go-with-the-flow attitude, and Matilda Jeffries' incredibly sexy brains. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF 'EM. And yes, I'm hitting on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. They're also the only team I know that will take our weird challenge to a Denim-off and EMBRACE IT TO THE POINT OF CHAFING. That's dedication. I think it's time to escalate this situation to THREAT LEVEL DENIM.

If there's one thing I know, wearing as much denim as possible is not only the most comfortable summer attire for Texas weather, but also the sexiest. I'm pretty sure all of these celebrities agree:

Hey girl, I like how that denim fannypack looks with your jorts.

WARNING: Viewing this photo while female causes ovary explosion.

WARNING: Viewing this photo pantsless causes pregnancy.

This isn't Candy Van's first tangle with a Denim-off. I don't even remember the team we were playing, but we decided the theme was Canadian Business Time and this is what happened:

WARNING: You're pregnant now. Sorry that I'm not sorry.

Do you know why I look so unhappy in the following family photo? 'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE ROCKIN' THAT DENIM.

Cardinals fan since the day I was born, yo.

Look. Denim is our past, present, and future, and it's time we start showing our love for that durable fabric by wearing as much as humanly possible.

Your reaction when you see my old lady denim outfit.

See you on the fields, y'all. Don't forget the vaseline!

That Kick Cray - TX Live

That Kick Cray…so we may have had a hard loss the first week to Tea Baggers.  But I only have one thing to say to that…

We’ve brought together some of the best talent from around the league, and we’re ready for redemption.  This week we’re waking our asses up to do only one thing, WINNING.  Did you get that?

This loss has made us realize how much we need to wake up and smell the coffee.  We can’t just relax and let you guys take The Golden Shower.  We need to get our adrenaline pumping!

Watch out you bitches, Cray is coming and is going to DOMINATE.  We have Ben coming back this week to pitch, we’ve been doing two-a-days to get ready, and there is absolutely no stopping this trainwreck from drunkenly obliterating this week.  Wait, you don’t understand?

So get ready world, because Cray is about to spray its domination juice everywhere.  I hope you can swallow it.

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Snappin’ da Base is back for what should be an epic 5TH season of play! We’re pumped!! We took our down time to gather some Perkis Power and prepare our minds, body, and soul for a season of success!

Ok, ok, sure, we had a bit of a stumble out of the gate, but our first game was also an initiation of sorts to our rookies. And what could make a better initiation than to face up with the always impressive SMK? So don’t let our slow start lull you into complacency. I don’t know when, where, or at what game.....but one day soon we’re going to UNLEASH THE BEAST!

This week we go up against Skeet! Skeet! , which if the name is any indication, it should be a partay!

Welcome to the GMOT!

What up, turkey burgers!

Welcome to the greatest blog on Earth: WAKA Austin's Ghost Man on Third! We'll be bringing the joy (and sometimes pain) to your inbox every Thursday afternoon. Here you'll find all manner of amusing Thursday afternoon time-wasting fodder as you daydream about 5 PM rolling around so you can ditch the office and head for the fields. Or the pre-party, as the case may be.

This whole thing works because YOU send in content for us to post by emailing us at waka.gmot@gmail.com! This is your forum to call out your teammates on their shenanigans, challenge your upcoming opponents to special rules, or anything else you could possibly want! With a few basic exceptions:

1. No hate speech. Slurs, discriminatory language, misogynistic rants, homophobic rhetoric, and anything else along those lines is going to get your post screened right into the junk mail folder. Don't be that person.
2. No extreme profanity. We're all adults here, there's no harm in dropping a couple bombs for emphasis now and then, but use your head.

Look to the right! There are every-week columns with picks and power rankings for every league! Hooray! I will be posting your messages every Tuesday, so if you send one in after that, expect to see it the following week on the blog.

If you have images to include, please insert the URL of the image in the location you'd like it to appear. Don't make us host it for you, we're hotlinking like bandits up in herr. Happy posting, happy kickballing, happy everything! It's kickball season!

LOVE,
GMOT Czar

CANDY VAN - TX Live

Ladies. Gentlemen. I present to you, Corey, the pitcher, captain, and spiritual advisor for the Abominaballs.

Hey girl, my coolers aren't the only things that are bear proof.

I'm not going to lie to you: Corey and I are maybe the best friends anyone can be. We're always finishing each others.... sandwiches. I like to brag about it because, if we're being honest here, he's probably one of the best dressed pitchers in Austin. Do you see those cuffed jeans? That coifed hair? Someone better call heaven, because they are certainly missing an angel.

Another fun fact about Corey: he was a taste tester for Gerber before he started writing marketing material for hooker-sized coolers. I can't imagine giving up a gig like that is easy, but I'm definitely happy that he made the transition. I'm personally grateful for the switch because I think he had a big hand in bringing internet fame to my boyfriend.

I don't care what they say. Size DOES matter.

When Corey is not pitching or talking about coolers (which like, is all the time because that man loves his coolers), he's busy drinking Skinny Margaritas at Graham Central Station. He's on a constant Cougar safari and Pflugerville is his hunting ground.

Basically, I love Corey. Cougars love Corey. Each and every one of you should be balls deep in love with Corey. If you want to see how Candy Van shows our love for Corey, come check us out at 7 p.m. tonight. I'm pretty sure I don't even need to tell you what field we will be on because it will be obvious.

Our collective facial expression as a direct result of Corey.

LOVE,
Candy Van

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

This is season SEVEN for PurpleSaurus Rex, and you'd better believe we're going to continue to be as confusing to play against as we've always been. Glitter. Leggings. Tutus. Aggressive hip thrusting. Dinosaur noises. The 'ol jug of PurpleSaurus Punch.

This is what we're thinking about all of you sweet, sweet Summer children right now:

Yeah. We're a little weird. But we embrace that shit. Ain't no sense in hiding who you are, and a good friend of mine taught me some important lessons about letting you freak flag fly and making sure this is the Wettest, Hottest, American Summer we've ever expereinced in TX Live:

So when you see us out there, and you're a little confused about what exactly is going on, don't be scurred. Come on over, drink the kool-aid, and dance with us! In the end, we just are who we are, and what we are is:

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Two words sum up last week against Gilligan's Island: 

BIG. 

HEAD.

See y'all at the playoffs!

Hannah Montana - TX Republic

Well it happened, Hannah Montana went full r-tard last week on the fields.  You never go full r-tard. We are now officially changing out name to, "Simple Jack's Sex Tape"  

Hannah Montana - TX Republic

(Editor's Note: I'm including the entire e-mail received from Hannah Montana)

Hey, do I send our gmot to you?

It is basically just this:

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

It’s been a long time coming, but Snappin’ da Base finally pulled a win over SMK in a close game that once again came down to the last kick of the last inning.

For most of the game, we were held 1-0 and thought that maybe we could close it with a shut-out game. And we very well could have. But then came the perfect example of why YOU NEVER GIVE UP (new kickball/dancing/musical movie, I call it!).  With two outs, and sprinting towards home, a girl in jeans and cowboy boots had a total face plant just inches away from home plate……It’s over! We did it! We won!

Yeah, no. You thought. We had our own team-wide epic face plant. While anyone else would lie there in embarrassment and wait for that game ending hit with a giant, red inflatable ball, she instead CRAWLED FORWARD and tied up the game. And we just watched her do it.

Seriously, 100% major kudos to her. That was awesome.  But, we managed to rally and prevent an over-time tie breaker with a perfectly placed kick that brought in the final run. This week we’re playing Gilligan’s Island, and we’re especially excited to play them. We’ve been eyeing this game since the start of the season because of a certain someone on that team (he knows who he is).  This game is going to be tons of fun and maybe the best we’ll play all season. LET’S DO THIS!!!

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

I'm not sure anyone on the field was expecting what happened last Thursday when PurpleSaurus took town Tight & Bright, least of all me who actually picked against my own team for only the second time all season, but I will tell you this: it was GLORIOUS.

Me watching from the sideline most of the game.

The good guys gave up two runs early before clamping down and building a 5-2 lead over the course of 4 innings. P-Rex has been playing the best defense I've ever seen out of my squad over the last several weeks, and it showed again tonight. As usual, we employed our patented "kick pop flies and hope they drop 'em" strategy for the majority of our at-bats (punctuated by some uncharacteristic bunting from a few of the non-believers on the team), and T&B obliged us with some top-notch drops. Then the 5th inning happened.

Probably my fault. Everyone was playing so well and so in the zone that they knew they were ahead but weren't really thinking about it, but then I had to go and say "give up 2 or fewer this inning and we get the W!" and all of a sudden it was JUST TOO REAL.

PurpleSaurus during the first four innings: 

PurpleSaurus at the top of the 5th:

Naturally, we choked. Full on blooper reel, silly mistakes, T&Bers casually strolling around the bases, drops, overthrows, the works. Four runs later, we got off the field down 6-5. 

PurpleSaurus walking off the field after the top of the 5th:

But wait! We're still kicking for the win here folks! First up? BAM triple. BAM bases loaded. BAM dropped ball at home ties the game up. Annnnnnnnnd BAM walked it off with one out. SCENE.

And there was much rejoicing.

This week we face off against a team lead by PurpleSaurus alum and still an honorary Rex: Sterling Shrader. We're going to be absolutely bedazzled in purple war paint/glitter, hawt hawt kilts, and we shall be burdened with glorious purpose: one more win and it's possible we won't be the last place seed in the tournament. IT'S ON.

Love,

Stephen & PurpleSaurus Rex

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Man. OH MAN. If you didn’t get to see Wednesday’s game between us and The Big Laballskis, then you’ll have to trust me when I say, you missed out on a heck of a game.

The Big Laballskis came out swinging with a series of obliterating kicks in the first couple innings that left us in a 6 run hole that I don’t think anyone on either side was expecting.

Guess I was right when I said they could put the hurt on….But you can’t keep Snappin’ down for long! In a great come-back, we managed to get it together and close the game with a final 7-7 overtime tie. We’ll chalk it up to one of those “performance under pressure” type things.

This week we get to meet on the field of brotherly love with games against P.E. Credit and SMK!!

We’re pumped that we’ve pulled a double-header, rematch-and-Game-of-the-Week, “welcome to the thunder dome” night!! I mean, really. Could you ask for a better end to Hump Day?

HUMP DAAAAY!! 

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

Word is we play A Nu Start this week. As usual, we’ve got bigger and better things to focus our attention on. We don’t want to give anything away too early, but if I were all of you I’d be cozying up to Relax in the next few weeks. Sandra Bullock, Matthew McConaughey, Andy Roddick, Kyle Chandler, and now each and every member of Relax. We’re all about to have a lot more in common.  It may be tough living the celeb life, but we’re prepared and we’re ready to handle those challenges. We’re pretty much used to the limelight anyways, so it shouldn’t be a big adjustment. I just feel bad for Shan and Jay’s first kid. It’s going to be a Suri burn book, selling first photos to the tabloids, North West hype sort of situation.

More to come on our continued success, but if we’ve learned anything about anything, it’s that you’ve got to take each day one at a time. And our dynasty continues to build by shitting all over A Nu Start’s silly little dreams tonight. Good luck to you all – we’ll remember you when we’re sipping margs with our butlers on the porch of our Hollywood bungalows. Smooches, y’all.

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Oh the humanity!! For the second season straight, Hannah has handed us our first loss of the season!

Sure, it was an epically close 1-2 game. But with the final score being made on the final play of the final inning, it was so close it hurt!

Point is, we made some mistakes, and we like to think we’re relatively fast learners that just happen to forget the lessons we learned last season. So, we’ll see. This week we square off with The Big Laballskis! We’ve heard the rumors that y’all are tough and can put the hurt on if given the opportunity. But we’re looking to bounce back from last week, so get ready! It’s gonna be a great game!!