CANDY VAN - TX Live

Ladies. Gentlemen. I present to you, Corey, the pitcher, captain, and spiritual advisor for the Abominaballs.

Hey girl, my coolers aren't the only things that are bear proof.

I'm not going to lie to you: Corey and I are maybe the best friends anyone can be. We're always finishing each others.... sandwiches. I like to brag about it because, if we're being honest here, he's probably one of the best dressed pitchers in Austin. Do you see those cuffed jeans? That coifed hair? Someone better call heaven, because they are certainly missing an angel.

Another fun fact about Corey: he was a taste tester for Gerber before he started writing marketing material for hooker-sized coolers. I can't imagine giving up a gig like that is easy, but I'm definitely happy that he made the transition. I'm personally grateful for the switch because I think he had a big hand in bringing internet fame to my boyfriend.

I don't care what they say. Size DOES matter.

When Corey is not pitching or talking about coolers (which like, is all the time because that man loves his coolers), he's busy drinking Skinny Margaritas at Graham Central Station. He's on a constant Cougar safari and Pflugerville is his hunting ground.

Basically, I love Corey. Cougars love Corey. Each and every one of you should be balls deep in love with Corey. If you want to see how Candy Van shows our love for Corey, come check us out at 7 p.m. tonight. I'm pretty sure I don't even need to tell you what field we will be on because it will be obvious.

Our collective facial expression as a direct result of Corey.

LOVE,
Candy Van

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

This is season SEVEN for PurpleSaurus Rex, and you'd better believe we're going to continue to be as confusing to play against as we've always been. Glitter. Leggings. Tutus. Aggressive hip thrusting. Dinosaur noises. The 'ol jug of PurpleSaurus Punch.

This is what we're thinking about all of you sweet, sweet Summer children right now:

Yeah. We're a little weird. But we embrace that shit. Ain't no sense in hiding who you are, and a good friend of mine taught me some important lessons about letting you freak flag fly and making sure this is the Wettest, Hottest, American Summer we've ever expereinced in TX Live:

So when you see us out there, and you're a little confused about what exactly is going on, don't be scurred. Come on over, drink the kool-aid, and dance with us! In the end, we just are who we are, and what we are is:

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Two words sum up last week against Gilligan's Island: 

BIG. 

HEAD.

See y'all at the playoffs!

Hannah Montana - TX Republic

Well it happened, Hannah Montana went full r-tard last week on the fields.  You never go full r-tard. We are now officially changing out name to, "Simple Jack's Sex Tape"  

Hannah Montana - TX Republic

(Editor's Note: I'm including the entire e-mail received from Hannah Montana)

Hey, do I send our gmot to you?

It is basically just this:

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

It’s been a long time coming, but Snappin’ da Base finally pulled a win over SMK in a close game that once again came down to the last kick of the last inning.

For most of the game, we were held 1-0 and thought that maybe we could close it with a shut-out game. And we very well could have. But then came the perfect example of why YOU NEVER GIVE UP (new kickball/dancing/musical movie, I call it!).  With two outs, and sprinting towards home, a girl in jeans and cowboy boots had a total face plant just inches away from home plate……It’s over! We did it! We won!

Yeah, no. You thought. We had our own team-wide epic face plant. While anyone else would lie there in embarrassment and wait for that game ending hit with a giant, red inflatable ball, she instead CRAWLED FORWARD and tied up the game. And we just watched her do it.

Seriously, 100% major kudos to her. That was awesome.  But, we managed to rally and prevent an over-time tie breaker with a perfectly placed kick that brought in the final run. This week we’re playing Gilligan’s Island, and we’re especially excited to play them. We’ve been eyeing this game since the start of the season because of a certain someone on that team (he knows who he is).  This game is going to be tons of fun and maybe the best we’ll play all season. LET’S DO THIS!!!

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

I'm not sure anyone on the field was expecting what happened last Thursday when PurpleSaurus took town Tight & Bright, least of all me who actually picked against my own team for only the second time all season, but I will tell you this: it was GLORIOUS.

Me watching from the sideline most of the game.

The good guys gave up two runs early before clamping down and building a 5-2 lead over the course of 4 innings. P-Rex has been playing the best defense I've ever seen out of my squad over the last several weeks, and it showed again tonight. As usual, we employed our patented "kick pop flies and hope they drop 'em" strategy for the majority of our at-bats (punctuated by some uncharacteristic bunting from a few of the non-believers on the team), and T&B obliged us with some top-notch drops. Then the 5th inning happened.

Probably my fault. Everyone was playing so well and so in the zone that they knew they were ahead but weren't really thinking about it, but then I had to go and say "give up 2 or fewer this inning and we get the W!" and all of a sudden it was JUST TOO REAL.

PurpleSaurus during the first four innings: 

PurpleSaurus at the top of the 5th:

Naturally, we choked. Full on blooper reel, silly mistakes, T&Bers casually strolling around the bases, drops, overthrows, the works. Four runs later, we got off the field down 6-5. 

PurpleSaurus walking off the field after the top of the 5th:

But wait! We're still kicking for the win here folks! First up? BAM triple. BAM bases loaded. BAM dropped ball at home ties the game up. Annnnnnnnnd BAM walked it off with one out. SCENE.

And there was much rejoicing.

This week we face off against a team lead by PurpleSaurus alum and still an honorary Rex: Sterling Shrader. We're going to be absolutely bedazzled in purple war paint/glitter, hawt hawt kilts, and we shall be burdened with glorious purpose: one more win and it's possible we won't be the last place seed in the tournament. IT'S ON.

Love,

Stephen & PurpleSaurus Rex

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Man. OH MAN. If you didn’t get to see Wednesday’s game between us and The Big Laballskis, then you’ll have to trust me when I say, you missed out on a heck of a game.

The Big Laballskis came out swinging with a series of obliterating kicks in the first couple innings that left us in a 6 run hole that I don’t think anyone on either side was expecting.

Guess I was right when I said they could put the hurt on….But you can’t keep Snappin’ down for long! In a great come-back, we managed to get it together and close the game with a final 7-7 overtime tie. We’ll chalk it up to one of those “performance under pressure” type things.

This week we get to meet on the field of brotherly love with games against P.E. Credit and SMK!!

We’re pumped that we’ve pulled a double-header, rematch-and-Game-of-the-Week, “welcome to the thunder dome” night!! I mean, really. Could you ask for a better end to Hump Day?

HUMP DAAAAY!! 

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

Word is we play A Nu Start this week. As usual, we’ve got bigger and better things to focus our attention on. We don’t want to give anything away too early, but if I were all of you I’d be cozying up to Relax in the next few weeks. Sandra Bullock, Matthew McConaughey, Andy Roddick, Kyle Chandler, and now each and every member of Relax. We’re all about to have a lot more in common.  It may be tough living the celeb life, but we’re prepared and we’re ready to handle those challenges. We’re pretty much used to the limelight anyways, so it shouldn’t be a big adjustment. I just feel bad for Shan and Jay’s first kid. It’s going to be a Suri burn book, selling first photos to the tabloids, North West hype sort of situation.

More to come on our continued success, but if we’ve learned anything about anything, it’s that you’ve got to take each day one at a time. And our dynasty continues to build by shitting all over A Nu Start’s silly little dreams tonight. Good luck to you all – we’ll remember you when we’re sipping margs with our butlers on the porch of our Hollywood bungalows. Smooches, y’all.

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Oh the humanity!! For the second season straight, Hannah has handed us our first loss of the season!

Sure, it was an epically close 1-2 game. But with the final score being made on the final play of the final inning, it was so close it hurt!

Point is, we made some mistakes, and we like to think we’re relatively fast learners that just happen to forget the lessons we learned last season. So, we’ll see. This week we square off with The Big Laballskis! We’ve heard the rumors that y’all are tough and can put the hurt on if given the opportunity. But we’re looking to bounce back from last week, so get ready! It’s gonna be a great game!!

Pitches be Trippin - TX Live

So winning at kickball may not be going so well this season, and makes Friday mornings a little more difficult

But the Pitches know how to do party! The Spring Equinox was such a glittery fun time

And there we did WIN something... the photo hunt! YAYY *we may be photo whores*

Prize: $50 at Gibson... Eff. Yess.

I can't get enough of Thursday as it is, Kickabll, Best Friends, and now... free Dranks :)

We'll see y'all on the fields tonight and will probably take a selfie with you ;)

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

Unfortunately, our game is at 9PM this week. Unfortunately, we play PurpleSaurus Rex. Unfortunately, they are coming in hot as last place in the league. We’re not going to be mean about it, but we are going to absolutely destroy this team.  It’s going to feel horrible. Horrible for them to have every last ounce of pride stripped from their souls. And horrible for us to go home after, and fall asleep knowing we did that to those people. It will be all the more horrible, knowing that we did it with our 5^th string team thrown out on the field. Knowing that with an all-girls infield, we still took them down without breaking a sweat. I’m not looking forward to Thursday night at all. But as humanitarian members of this league, we will take a deep breath, get out there and do what we need to do. We will put our personal feelings aside, and hand this ridiculous loss to PurpleSaurus Rex. We will do it knowing that every league needs a leader. And without us, Texas Live Spring 2014 would have none. We will play Thursday night for the good people of this league. We tip our hats to you all. Smooches.

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Awwwwww yeah! Snappin’ da Base has pulled the game of the week!

And is it any surprise? Last season, Hannah handed us our only defeat of the regular season. Needless to say, we’re looking forward to redeeming ourselves and taking the win this time. Repeat of last season?! NEVER!

Hannah has only lost one other game, and that was to another strong team: SMK. So we know they’re good. But Snappin’ is planning to keep our place in the standings and we’re not giving up anything without a fight!

Get ready y’all…

it’s about to get epic.

TX Republic - Weekly update

TX Republic (Wednesdays) has a weekly video update on the league.  Here is the summary from last week & preview of this week:

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

According to Coach Jay, the Teabaggers will give us our first "tough" game of the season this week. Let’s put it this way – I’m not concerned. Who are the Teabaggers anyway? If I can’t remember you, you don’t actually exist.

In more exciting news, this will be the debut game for Mr. and Mrs. Dr. Shannon Russell. Jay will be sporting his post-Mexico sunburn splotches and Shan will be looking all wifey and shit. The more I think about it, the more I know in my heart that we should HH. We owe it to the Russell’s to celebrate them for the 8^th time this month, and the Teabaggers annoy me. Let’s lube up at El Mercado around 6. If you're not sure if you're invited, you're not.

Smooches y’all.

Snappin' Da Base - TX Republic

Oh South By….not only do you disrupt the flow of traffic in Austin, but you also disrupt the flow of kickball season. Luckily SXSW always makes for an awesome time or this might be unacceptable. Regardless, we had alcohol-fueled shenanigans OFF the field last week, and now it’s time to get back to alcohol-fueled shenanigans ON the field this week.

Last game we faced off against PPTSWU 2.0 in a game that apparently was a lot closer than some people were expecting.  

Considering they played us after a double-header against Hannah Montana and we still had a close game, this is a team to watch.

Up next, we battle Pitches Be Crazy and will try to continue our winning streak against a team that has one win and looking for another. Be forewarned, we come armed with skills that are totally useless except for in kickball…

And maybe football.

Pitches be Trippin - TX Live

The story began a long time before you and I. But to save time (mainly my own), I'm going to begin in 2014. There are riots(and worse) in in Ukraine, Venezuela and Turkey. It's becoming more and more likely that aliens abducted a 777 Dreamliner full of people. The thursday night kickball league in Austin, Texas is as volatile as ever...It's POPPIN! Let's examine that further.

I'll go ahead and start with the most recent game. We played against an amazing team called Kicks Like Jesus, formerly known as the Health Alliance for Austin Musicians team (just kidding, there was no affiliation, and only one 'A'). This was a game that will be remembered for many seasons to come... It had it all; heroic plays, bewilderment, danger, and even suspense. 

The game began like any other: I was talking to someone, and then realized the first inning was about halfway through. I said to whomever I was talking to the same thing I say every game; "Oh shit, I didn't realize the game had started! Seems like this happens every game!"

I found a small un-mowed portion of grass at the base of the support cable for the power-line. I got the attention of one of the new players on the team and said "See this? This is what you want - you wanna stash your stuff in a tuft of grass like this. You can put anything in here - booze, condoms, cigarettes, grass, liqour, you name it."

He pondered it a second and then responded to the effect of "My beer's in my friend's backpack, but... I guess I could stash some cigs, cool if I share that spot?" Of course it was ok. That was the first time I had ever used a tuft of grass to stash things.

First 3-6 people go, maybe we scored, maybe we didn't. It's time for me to go in to my position at 1st. I focus in on the play. My mission is to not get distracted as the first ball it pitched, and get to the ball or base as fast as possible. My body is poised, strung up like a bow and arrow ready to be released and hurdle towards it's target at high speeds. 

There it goes...Huh? I didn't see what happened somehow. I asked the guy standing in as first base base coach for KLJ what happened.  He said "That guy over there caught it somehow. It was actually pretty amazing, haha."

There it goes...Bam, misfire. 

Second ball bounces and is caught by one of my teammates , and I stretch out diagonally with my foot on the base and catch a ball just after a girl runs through first... I'm assuming; that felt like it was safe. But I didn't see what happened; I was focused on the ball. The ref called her 'out'. What? I thought she was safe, but I was wrong! It was then it was time to act like I didn't think it was a big deal as our team cheered. Then I fucked up a difficult but not impossible catch after that. 

So anyway the game ended up tying, so... neither team lost.Then we played flip cup with them, and we ALMOST played a game of flip cup for the tie-breaker, but both teams mutually agreed not too... which worked out in our favor, because our team had horrible luck, (or horrible skill, whatever you wanna call it). 

Badass night.

Relax and Let It Happen - TX Live

Thursday March 6

5:40 PM – Relax begins to gather at El Mercado.

5:42 PM - First round of margs ordered. Shitty half price apps ordered.

5:52 PM – Second round of margs ordered.

6:15 PM – Third round or margs ordered.

6:34 PM – Dre arrives.

6:35 PM – Final round of margs ordered.

6:45 PM – Depart for fields.

6:59 PM – Shit on their dreams chant.

7:00 PM – Game vs. TnB begins. TnB genuinely believes they can win.

7:02 PM – TnB loses all hope.

7:06 PM  – Relax leads 8-0.

7:21 PM  – Relax leads 13-0. Game concludes due to mercy rule.

7:26 PM – TnB tries to cheer themselves up with their silly TnB chant. Relax throws things at them.

7:32 PM – JG goes home. Kate goes home. Alex goes to the bar with TnB because she feels bad for them. Jen and Jenna go somewhere else to drink. Joey goes somewhere else to black out. Hutch goes to some girl’s house.

Friday March 7

7:46 AM – Various members of Relax wake up. Joey is already in an Operating Room supervising a surgery. Hutch gives his booty call a classy kiss on the cheek and sneaks out in silence. Dre snuggles deeper in his sheets and remembers the one catch he made successfully last night. He giggles in delight.  Everyone takes a moment to reflect on how great it is to be a member of Relax, and throws in a prayer for those less fortunate.

Smooches y’all.

Son's of Pitches - TX Live

It's going to be short and sweet this week. Why? Because I'm in NOLA bitches! Mardi Gras!

Here's the important stuff you're dying to know:

1) I may have (probably) saved Stephen Moursund's life when I selflessly blocked a rogue kickball from nailing him in the head when he wasn't paying attention. Then we hugged it out. It was kind of magical.

2) Three weeks in to the season and the Sons of Pitches are still undefeated! What? What is this crazy talk? All that time spent losing and suddenly we're winning? Yeah, that's right. It's happening. We were the Texas Live League Champions once upon a time...so, there's that.

3) Conversations With Drunk Pitches: Unless you want to get inked directly on your a-hole, the best place to get a tattoo of someone climbing out of your poop-shoot is the lower back.

You're Welcome.