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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

P.E. Credit - TX Republic


Where My Pitches At, we’re sorry. We didn’t want to make an example of you, but every season there is bound to be some collateral damage, especially when a league rep I’d prefer to leave unnamed  (I’m talking about Harris) goes rogue and decides to mistake a good natured fun loving team for a doormat and move them to the bottom of the rankings that I know we all take incredibly seriously.

PE Credit realized we were having a blast every week but we wanted to expand our horizons beyond just our team and decided a league hashtag might be an easy way. We wanted it to be poignant and simple. We settled on #SuckitHarris.

If you’re hitting a happy hour before games on Wednesdays, out and seeing if any other kickballers are too, or just want to share something with the rest of us make sure to tack on #SuckItHarris. We’ll keep our eyes peeled.

Snap Lords - TX-Republic

I have been proven right: our game with SMK was (as usual) amaze-balls! This time though, we managed to pull down the win with a 5-4 clincher. SMK came with it and had some kick-ass catches, plays, and close-calls. But Snap Lords (down to the minimum number of players to even start) brought a whole new level of fierce to the field.

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There was a special point in the game which I found to be an especially fun experience. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say some of our base-running was great….to watch.

This week we go up against Toejammers-KH (what does the KH stand for? Kings of Hugs??)

Whatever it means, you’re going to be needing some hugging skillz for yourselves because you’ll be going up against a Snap Lord team that has finally acquired it’s super-powerful all-inspiring level-upping tie-dye t-shirts!!!!!! (soooo much hyphenation)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

That Kick Cray - TX Live

We came, we saw, and we… were conquered. Yes, Relax did bring the pain, but they did not break our spirits! Did Nate get lit up on the mound? Yes. Did Jay shut us out at the plate until the game was already out of hand? Yes. Did most of the team cry ourselves to sleep Thursday night? Of course, but that had nothing to do with kickball. What’s really important here is something that members of both teams can truly appreciate: Jay “The Mug” Russell looked terrible at the plate! Seriously, watching him kick is similar to Stephen in tights: Total train wreck (just kidding Stephen, we love you and your toothpick legs)!  The guy is unstoppable on the mound, but lets be honest, our entire team sighed in relief every time he came up to kick. Luckily, we got video of his efforts for the league to enjoy:

Don’t worry Jay, Vegas is still 3 weeks away! I’m sure you can figure it out by then… Maybe Kate can give you lessons? Three quick sessions will take you from this:

To this!

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery!

Anyway… TKC isn’t about moral victories. After a 0-2 start, we’ve decided its time to focus on what matters:

  1. Run train on our opponents from now until the playoffs: Sorry A Nu Start. We like the fact that your captain is a Redskins fan, but your timing could not be any worse. You better pray it rains, because things are going to get ugly out there.
  2. Happy Hours/Team Parties/Drinking too much in general: This is a game we always win. Some might say “Aren’t you guys too old to be drinking like that?” Maybe, but lets be honest, isn’t that what WAKA is all about?
  3. The Baltimore Orioles. Everybody in the league should focus on the Baltimore Orioles. 

Relax and Let it Happen - TX Live

Wowzie Mc Jangles!! Who are those new people playing on Relax this season? If you’re anything like me (and lucky you if you are), you may have asked yourself the same question last week. We’ve never met them before but they fit perfectly like a tightly knit winter’s mitt and we love them already. Here’s why:

1.       They are beautiful. I don’t know any of their names really but they are some of this world’s finest specimens as far as I can tell. Like athletically charged stallions galloping into the night.

2.       They are like, really good actually. Which blonde guy was that that made the amazing leaping catch by 3rd base? And was it the same, or a different blonde guy who kicked a bad ass smack right into the outfield in the 4th inning? I don’t know and I don’t care. They can stay on our team as long as they want if they keep making ESPN Top 10 caliber plays like that.

3.       They are some of the best pickups we’ve had in a while. Sure Jenna and Jen are our BFFs, and the additions of Tom and Huntley have been good for us as well. But we’ve had some real misfires in our past that we’re not ashamed to acknowledge (rhymes with “Shmre Shmrodgers”). These guys are a real hole in one IMHO.

So here’s to you, new members of Relax, you beautiful and gifted angels, you. Some people are champions. Some people are you guys. Smooches y’all.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

P.E. Credit - TX Republic

Harris what the hell kind of kangaroo court are you running. Ranked 10th after losing to the team you say is the 3rd best in the league, and is also number 1 in the overall standings! That’s shenanigans and you know it. In fact you even prove you know how absurd ranking The Cred (that’s our street name) in last place by picking us to beat the team you have ranked as the number 5 team in the league.

Harris you’ve made this pick personally because you want us to fail and that hurts not only my, but all of my teams feelings.

Harris is the worst. Snap Lord’s 1st baseman AKA Star Lord is the best.

-Foxy Coxy

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Snap Lords - TX-Republic

It’s been an interesting off-season this summer: Armageddon-like disease running rampant. Naked celeb photographs all over the place. Some guy getting stabbed behind my apartment……it’s been dramatic to say the least.

But the most dramatic thing to happen over the off-season…Snappin’ da Base transforming into SNAP LORDS!

Basically, we got together and was like: “Hey, should we change the name?” “Yeah, sure, whatever.”  "Ok, then." BOOM! Democracy.

I don’t know if the new name is supposed to super-saiyan us or whatever, but we’re looking to finally get our championship this season. And we started that off right with a win last week against PE Credit. As usual we had a ton of fun playing those kooky kids: There were great plays! There was alcohol! There were sneak plays (that failed)! There was alcohol! There were a TON of people! There was alcohol!

A good time was had by all.
This week, we go up against SMK! In the past, these have usually been some pretty awesome games that come down to one or two great plays. Will it be the same this season?   


Relax B*tches! - TX-Republic

Austin Kickball Community – your worst nightmare/largest life blessing has finally come to fruition. Relax is now playing 2 nights a week. We’ve completely taken over Austin WAKA and the rest of you have no chance of survival – Planet of the Apes style.

Lucky for you, we’re bringing the very best of Relax to Gillis on Wednesday nights – the team’s premier shit talkers, and hottest chicks. In fact, ALL the chicks. You heard it here first. We’re a nearly all girls team and we’re about to embarrass every other squad in this league. We tore down the hopes and dreams of Sir-Kicks-A-Lot last week, shout out to my coworker JL and the best league rep I’ve experienced thus far, Mike Harris!! Mike’s a sweet guy. He asked our permission to throw fast to girls, and then proceeded to throw some of the slowest, most kickable pitches I’ve ever seen. Love you MH!!

We really want to make a good impression on this league, so for all of you who haven’t had the pleasure of knowing Relax yet, and for those of you who do… just hear this: We’re out here to have an amazing time. We’re probably going to beat you and it will be tough knowing you lost to all girls, but we’re very good and you just need to understand that. We’re also going to tear you down with our shit talk. But that’s really just because we’re funny and fun and deep down we want to love you. This is how we express it.

In final thought, we’re going to just go ahead and welcome ourselves to this league with open arms and open hearts. We love you all and can’t wait to destroy your hopes and dreams in good fun and glory. FBG$!!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

PurpleSaurus Rex - TX Live

As we entered the season the top ranked team in the conference, I did something I don't think I've ever done before last week: I gave a pre-game talk where I didn't insinuate we were probably going to lose. Crazy new strategy, but I felt like it was time to go ahead and let athletes be athletes in spite of my insistence on keeping the team as low-key and fun focused as possible.

So of course we immediately gave up three runs in the first inning and failed to advance runners past 2nd in the first two innings. Woops! The Red Rockets are BACK this season, and whoever is running the play calling over there is to be commended, it was technically sound offense that played great small ball and manufactured runs while putting them in a position to take advantage of mistakes. Eventually we got our shit together and scored the go-ahead to runs in the top of the 5th and held on for a 4-3 win, but our hubris was entirely extinguished. 

Only disappointment of the night: I promised all my players a shot of fireball for every phone number they obtained from a Rocket, but no red jerseys ever showed up at the bar!

This week, we're gonna get you wet. Aw yeah girl, you gon' be DRIPPIN. Were bringing out the squirt guns and water balloons and just buckets of water, and anyone in the vicinity of Field 1 from 7-8 is going to get their shit drenched. Fuck playing in this heat, no way I'm tolerating it without my swimmy trunks on and tank top drenched with not-my-own-sweat. 

Relax and Let It Happen - TX Live

In case you didn’t see us spraying shit all over that rando team’s dreams last week, let it be known via GMOT – Relax is back. This week, we’re­­­ setting out to wreck a home. Tom and Kaitlyn, we get it. You guys are the perfect match and it’s so amazing. Honestly, we’re over it. And Thursday night is the perfect time to put your relationship through the ultimate trauma.

Kaitlyn, bless her heart, truly believes that she and her silly friends on That Kick Cray are a real kickball team. She thinks their trophy from last season actually means something. Sorry Kaitlyn, the only thing that trophy means is that Relax took a season off. We try to take some time to ourselves every now and again, to nurture relationships with our fans. The occasional Relax break lets all you other kiddos win a game or two, letting you have just enough fun that you begin to believe you actually still like kickball. And then we come back, and shit on… well you know the drill.

Thursday night, we embark on a journey. We put TKC in their pathetic little place, we score about a billion runs, and we probably break up Tom and Kaitlyn. We want to be sorry but we can’t be stopped.

Some people are champions. Smooches y’all.